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Original poster

I've done something stupid and I'm scared!

217 replies

MegaScared · 11/03/2021 16:43

I've just sent a message to my Father after finding him on Facebook. Haven't had contact for 20+ years. Bloody scared now. Got a feeling he'll ignore it though.

OP posts:
SendMeHome · 11/03/2021 20:23

Ah love. This must be painful.

Objectively, if he's been shit for 20 years and not contacted you, he's probably not going to take the lead now and start being father of the year... so if you want to try and forge a relationship, or at least a conversation, you might be best to take the lead and try to keep it going.

But you have to balance that with the fact that he might still be shit, and disinterested, and that isn't a reflection on you. It's just that he's not capable of better, right now. If taking the lead and putting more effort in will make it hurt more if he doesn't reply, put yourself first and let it fizzle out if that's the way it's going to go.

Flowers
OhCaptain · 11/03/2021 20:26

You should try to figure out what you want from the contact.

If it’s not going the way you wanted, then you can delete/block and move on.

Good luck. Flowers

Laiste · 11/03/2021 20:29

Yes i was going to say first decide exactly what you want from this.

Then if you don't get it/don't feel you are going to get it you can walk away feeling in control.

Was your goal to see him? Or to ask him something? Or just general curiosity about what he is like?

Laiste · 11/03/2021 20:35

What ever his failings it will have been shock to hear from you.

When you've spent a lot of time plucking up the courage to do something, mentally preparing, it can seem really frustrating when the recipient isn't as responsive as you might have pictured them being. It's easy to forget they haven't been in on the plan the whole time.

He might need a bit of time to gather himself.
Flowers

LudoBear · 11/03/2021 20:38

I hope things work out for you.
My dad walked out when I was 3. I'm 33 now. Never had any contact with him since. I found his brothers daughter on Facebook about 10 years ago so I contacted her. She told him I'd been in contact and she informed me he was "anti kids". Took him two kids to realise that. I'm number 2. No wonder I'm fucked up. Sorry didn't mean to rent. I actually found his phone number once and wrote it down. I've been tempted a few times to message him but he knows I'm on facebook if he wants to contact me.

Original poster
MegaScared · 11/03/2021 21:06

He saw the message an hour ago and still hasn't replied. I don't know what to think.

I'm not sure why I messaged him, I guess I do have questions, definitely. And I maybe wanted to just speak to him. I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
MegaScared · 11/03/2021 21:07

Should I follow up or just leave it be?

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 11/03/2021 21:17

I would leave it for now. He might be thinking what to say. You left your message open for a reply. If he doesn't reply, then you get your answer then unfortunately

HappyTrain · 11/03/2021 21:20

@MegaScared

Should I follow up or just leave it be?
I'd leave it, you've reached out, he's got the chance to follow up on your message if he wants. He might just be thinking of what to say and doesn't want to rush his reply. Leave it a few days, if nothing then maybe consider messaging again then but definitely not so soon ❤️
SatyajitRayFan · 11/03/2021 21:43

@londongirl12

I would leave it for now. He might be thinking what to say. You left your message open for a reply. If he doesn't reply, then you get your answer then unfortunately
This unfortunately.
Desmondo2016 · 11/03/2021 21:45

Regardless of him being a shit dad, from your dad's point of view this is a major event. He's probably going to need some time to process it. Leave it now. It's up to him.

What made you do it today?!

manybirdsnests · 11/03/2021 21:50

@londongirl12

I would leave it for now. He might be thinking what to say. You left your message open for a reply. If he doesn't reply, then you get your answer then unfortunately
Agree with this, and with what HappyTrain said.

OP, you should feel proud of yourself for being brave and making the first move, whatever the outcome Flowers

FelicityPike · 11/03/2021 21:50

I would leave it now too.

Original poster
MegaScared · 11/03/2021 21:51

@Desmondo2016

Regardless of him being a shit dad, from your dad's point of view this is a major event. He's probably going to need some time to process it. Leave it now. It's up to him.

What made you do it today?!

I know, I just hate the waiting and wondering if he's going to reply. I was reading a thread on Mumsnet about child maintenance and it wound me up so I messaged him.
OP posts:
Original poster
MegaScared · 11/03/2021 21:52

Another development, my Dad's daughter just added me as a friend on facebook.

OP posts:
Sweettea1 · 11/03/2021 21:53

I would leave it a few days you have made the first move its now up to him. Maybe he's a little surprised you got in touch or doesn't know what to say or he is just a crap dad thats not interested. Time will tell I hope it goes well for you.

FelicityPike · 11/03/2021 22:04

@MegaScared

Another development, my Dad's daughter just added me as a friend on facebook.
I think that’s great. Have you ever met your half-sister? Hopefully this means he’s told his family that you’ve been in touch. Good luck!
S111n20 · 11/03/2021 22:12

Hope you get the outcome you are looking for 💐

D0ntAtMe · 11/03/2021 22:29

I've done similar OP but with a sister my Dad abandoned and it didn't work out. He'd died before we found her and we messaged her mother first because if she'd been raised thinking someone else was was her father we'd never have messaged her but her mum said she's always known about us and hoped we'd find her one day.

My dad was very abusive and I think she's had a better life without him in it and it's the reason her mum didn't push for anything from my dad because she saw how he treat girls but obviously my sister feels differently and didn't get to know him and ask him the questions.

We have no hard feelings towards each other but we both reminded each other of the things we didn't have through no fault of our own so we both agreed to call it a day. I care for her and she's not a secret anymore, she knows if she needs me she can always reach out and she's said the same about me because we both know our feelings might change in the future or she may have questions about our Dad so it's not a fully closed door.

I really hope things work out for you and if it doesn't then I hope you get any answers and closure you need and that he's kind to you. I understand that scared panicky feeling at the start and you've been very brave to reach out. Remember that your well-being is important as as hard as it is try to sleep and eat well.

D0ntAtMe · 11/03/2021 22:34

I don't want to rain on your parade because I've seen you say his daughter has added you as a friend on Facebook, I'd suggest giving yourself time to speak to your Dad and process that before attempting to form a relationship with a second person. I didn't add my half sister to my friends and she didn't want me on hers until we were sure that we wanted to go ahead and introduce families. If your sister has children or you have other siblings I'm just concerned you're going to get excited about having nieces and nephews and other sibling that could leave your life once you get to know each other and the dust settled and it doesn't work out.

Original poster
MegaScared · 11/03/2021 22:53

@D0ntAtMe

I don't want to rain on your parade because I've seen you say his daughter has added you as a friend on Facebook, I'd suggest giving yourself time to speak to your Dad and process that before attempting to form a relationship with a second person. I didn't add my half sister to my friends and she didn't want me on hers until we were sure that we wanted to go ahead and introduce families. If your sister has children or you have other siblings I'm just concerned you're going to get excited about having nieces and nephews and other sibling that could leave your life once you get to know each other and the dust settled and it doesn't work out.
Thanks, I appreciate your comments. In honesty though, I'm not interested in forming relationships with any half siblings or any one like that. I just want to speak to my Dad.
OP posts:
IndecentCakes · 11/03/2021 23:00

In the best possible way, try to give him something to go on. He is probably quite wary, too - maybe it's not a genuine message, etc. Try to think about what you'd like to happen.

Esse321 · 11/03/2021 23:02

Why do you want to speak to him OP?

justilou1 · 11/03/2021 23:11

Interesting that his daughter is setting herself up as a gatekeeper

Sleepingdogs12 · 12/03/2021 04:16

Why not send a message saying you'd like to talk when he is able to do that and leave it there. He knows what you want to happen and it is then up to him. You can't make it happen but you reached out and left the door open for him. I would just try not to chase him then as he is making a choice. Sorry he isn't responding as you'd like.