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I've done something stupid and I'm scared!

217 replies

MegaScared · 11/03/2021 16:43

I've just sent a message to my Father after finding him on Facebook. Haven't had contact for 20+ years. Bloody scared now. Got a feeling he'll ignore it though.

OP posts:
annonnymous · 14/03/2021 12:05

If you are not friends with someone the message just goes to a tiny icon in the corner and easily overlooked. I've picked up messages there from 2 years ago I'd not spotted.

MrsBobDylan · 14/03/2021 14:38

I am amazed at a minority of posters on here who have criticised op for how she chose to make contact with her Father and then advised that he 'could be reeling' from it and 'you don't know his side of the story'.

Unless op's Mum divorced and moved away with no forwarding address then this man knowingly and wilfully walked away from his daughter. He started a new family and erased any responsibility to his existing one.

Then, after years of not giving a shit, op gets in touch. If he was worth the space he takes up, he would have 'reeled' while messaging her back to say how pleased he was she had been brave enough to get in touch.

No excuses.

OP, in a way you got your answer. He is a selfish piece of shit not worth bothering with.

I think you did the right thing, you were brave and you did what your weak Father was never able too.

Happy Mothers Day Thanks

BoomShakeShake · 14/03/2021 20:18

I think a Dad who's not been in touch for 20 years has mentally checked out of that relationship. He's a coward and he knows it. He screwed up big time and he's probably unwilling to admit to himself what a fuck up he is. He's a lame-arsed shit.

I'm so sorry he let you down. That gnawing feeling won't ever completely go away as to why you were abandoned and rejected but you can eventually make some kind of peace with it. It will rear up every so often but you just need a talk down script inside your head to manage it about why it's not your fault, you did deserve better, of course you did but it's not possible so you have to focus on what's good in your life and be grateful for the love you do already have.

I'm so sorry OP. I wish it could have been different for you (and for me too). Understanding you have a lame-arsed shit dad and 'why he did what he did' doesn't really excuse any of it and won't actually help I don't think. Having heard my Dad explain and throw out these pathetic excuses, I still can't process why he did what he did. We come from different planets. Sometimes in life we don't get what we want and we have to move on and be strong and find our hearts and at least as an adult we have a choice who we give them to. He's only your Dad by biological connection, nothing else.

Happy Mother's Day to you too. Flowers

DoubleTweenQueen · 14/03/2021 20:32

@MegaScared Just to say, you’re not obliged to be friends with your half-sister is it’s painful to you. I am in the same boat x

MegaScared · 14/03/2021 20:44

I've actually sent him another message because I was pissed off. Pissed off that I was kind and understanding, pissed off that I basically apologised for bothering him and in return he was a self absorbed prick. I've said this "Actually on reflection, I don't have anything to apologise for. I've spent twenty years battling my demons, my self hatred, my own mental health, all mostly caused by my feelings of rejection and abandonment. I've finally, found the strength to reach out to you, I must add, after a very traumatic past year that included miscarriage, medication and therapy for my mental health. I've contacted you because I have so many questions that I'd like answers too and I believe at the very least, I'm owed that. I realise that this can't be easy, having me approach you like this and I don't know you and I don't know the truth of the past. Perhaps you aren't interested and you'd like the past to stay in the past, I get that, but this is me asking one last time if you're willing to give me some closure."

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 14/03/2021 21:07

@MegaScared Hand-holding from me x

altiara · 14/03/2021 21:47

I’m glad you found your anger OP.
For what it’s worth, I’m not sure he’ll respond as he’s coming across as a spineless knob, but I think this message will haunt him as he’s able to be a decent enough dad when he chose to with his second family.

Stay strong Flowers

SunshineCake · 14/03/2021 22:12

That is a good message. I hope you get a response.

Bimblybomeyelash · 14/03/2021 22:33

Good for you OP. I wouldn’t hold my
breath for a response, but I’m
glad you said what you needed to say and I think that the message will shake him, and so it should. He clearly thinks that he is a good dad to his younger children, he should face up to the fact that he hasn’t been a good dad to you.

orpah · 15/03/2021 00:09

Well done

Mummy7777 · 15/03/2021 00:46

Thinking of you Flowers

MegaScared · 15/03/2021 10:01

He's replied. He said he's sorry to hear about my sad news and mental health issues. He can try and help me with closure and answer any questions and what would I like to know. Genuinely wasn't expecting that reply.

OP posts:
requitalissima · 15/03/2021 10:30

I think apprehensive and somewhat remorseful is a better description than 'being afraid', don't you think, OP?
Hyperbole serves only whatever anxieties you might have and is totally unnecessary.

MegaScared · 15/03/2021 10:36

@requitalissima

I think apprehensive and somewhat remorseful is a better description than 'being afraid', don't you think, OP? Hyperbole serves only whatever anxieties you might have and is totally unnecessary.
Quite possibly yes.
OP posts:
WhiskyWhiskersdottir · 15/03/2021 10:57

Just to say, having been through something similar myself, that one way to think about it is that on some level your heart was always broken by your dad’s disappearance from your life.

But you always had to hide it for your own safety/security. And now you’re in a place in life where you are safe enough to bring those feelings out in the open, heal them and move forwards, in whatever direction this takes, having had the chance to properly deal with your emotions.

Ina lot of ways it doesn’t really matter what he does. You were brave enough and healthy enough to attempt to change or close a situation that arose at a time when you had no real influence over it (when you were a child).

So this is important for you and your development as a person, whatever your dad does.

You might get a relationship with him out of this, you might get closure, you have already had a chance to express justified anger in a healthy way.

You should be so proud of yourself. Whatever happens, your life will be better for doing this.

MegaScared · 15/03/2021 13:23

Well, he has answered all my questions.

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 15/03/2021 13:47

How do you feel? X

CryptoFascist · 15/03/2021 13:52

My heart goes out to you, Mega. I went through the same as a child, even down to the arranged visits that he didn't turn up for. I still remember sitting on the stairs in my coat and shoes, waiting for my Dad.

I'm glad you've found your anger and rightly so, he let you down badly. I hope you have had the answers that you need.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 15/03/2021 14:44

What did he say?

Roszie · 15/03/2021 14:45

I'm glad you've got answers. This must be so hard for you. Be kind to yourself Thanks

BigPaperBag · 15/03/2021 16:53

I feel for you @MegaScaredFlowers My dad never bothers with me and in the past I did all the running. I gave up about 4 years ago and haven’t looked back even though I know he’s pretty ill right now with cancer and is on chemo. Might not live for much longer. I just figured that if he wanted me then he’d reach out but he never has. As for you, stay strong and focus on your own family. He’s the one who’s lost out here.

S111n20 · 15/03/2021 21:13

Hope your ok @MegaScared

MyOtherProfile · 16/03/2021 07:52

I'm guessing he didn't answer in a very helpful way. Thinking of you x

MegaScared · 16/03/2021 10:26

Thank you all. His answers were helpful I suppose. But some of it didn't paint my DM in a good light.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 16/03/2021 10:44

Can you discuss it with your DM? His version isn’t necessarily the truth and he obviously isn’t trustworthy.

Your email to him saying “actually I’m not sorry...” was, frankly, awesome 💪🏼

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