I've done something stupid and I'm scared!

[MegaScared]

I've just sent a message to my Father after finding him on Facebook. Haven't had contact for 20+ years. Bloody scared now. Got a feeling he'll ignore it though.

He sounds utterly self-absorbed, you are his daughter. Paragraph

@MegaScared I personally would message him and say that you're done. You've given him the chance. (He's had 20 years for goodness sake! He must've known this would happen imminently now that you're an adult!?) he clearly hasn't changed and is only capable of considering himself. You don't not need anyone in your life like that.

That's just me though. My child is going to have to go through this themselves one day and I dread it

This is really tricky. I'm estranged from all
My family and have been for about 8 years so I have that perspective on it.

It was very brave of you to reach out, but just hi' was kind of a strange introduction after 20 years. My (adult) niece messaged me a while ago on Facebook and her message was more along the lines of 'hi, I know it's been a long time but I just wanted to get in touch and see how you are. I hope we can maybe have a relationship at some point'. So she sort of set her agenda out there. Your dad doesn't really know what you want, if it's positive or negative and maybe that's why he's been quite wary.

That said, he's the parent here and he's treated you badly for two decades so I think he owes you a proper response, despite you not really saying much yourself.

It's such a hard thing to navigate. I never want to speak to my parents again so it's quite straightforward, but you obviously feel like you need answers and personally I think you deserve that much from him at least.

Be very careful here, so far his reaction suggests that the outcome isn't going to be positive and the only person who will get hit here is you.

I've been where you are.
He isn't worth the emotional upset, I sent my absent, crumb throwing 'father' a letter telling him that owing to his total lack of interest in my life and wellbeing for the previous 25 years I had no wish to ever speak to or see him amongst other things.

It was like a weight had been lifted, the niggling obligation left me. When I heard a few years back that he was dieing I felt nothing, he truly wasn't worth it.

Take it easy, don't rush. Give it a few days then contact again. Use the time to think what you want and maybe get some support with that

I think you need to stop and think.

You couldn't risk saying anything more than hi and have said a few sentences since.

You knew you were going to message him, he has no clue what was coming and it could be just as much of a shock to read hi as if you had sent an essay.

Write what you want to say, as if it was the last thing you tell him, then leave it for a week or more. Give him chance to come to you. Just calm yourself otherwise you will frighten him off at best or hurt yourself deeply at worse.

This should be more about what you can deal with right now rather than getting pissed off he isn't sending you reams of thoughts minutes after you message him.

I have experience but even those who have been lucky enough to have both parents their whole life also have some valid points.

Just take a step back.

@MegaScared Having been through it myself, I completely understand how you're feeling. Rejection, by your own parent is incredibly distressing and damaging.
You could ask your painful questions here perhaps? Some here sound like they might have a bit of enlightenment to share?
I want to send you a loving hug - you don't deserve to hurt like this. His attitude is no reflection on you

I think it's difficult. You want to ask some really hard, uncomfortable questions - that's understandable, but you don't have any foundation of a relationship to rest those on.

So I think you either need to bluntly lay that out and ask to meet - and be prepared for the fact he might refuse - or keep things more neutral and cautious for a while and attempt to build up a relationship first.

I became Facebook friends with my dad after not seeing him for years. We ended up playing some game every day together and passing the odd comment when it was our turn but never actually messaged. He would like some of my posts and that was all. I never quite got what I wanted but then again I'm not sure what I wanted except for him to want contact with me. It sounds like you felt the same. It's horrible when you don't get that.

These men who walk away are weak. To expect anything from them is pointless. He has nothing to give you I’m afraid. He isn’t brave enough to face up to his own cowardly behaviour, it’s easier for him to continue to pretend that you don’t exist.

Please don’t take this as a
Personal rejection. He doesn’t know you. This is all about his own failings and inadequacies, not yours.

I speak from
Experience.

He is obviously someone who can compartmentalise very well. Whether that's to protect himself or to distance himself you can't be sure.

If I were you (and I speak as someone who hasn't been in the same position), I would want to make the most of the contact you have now because it might be your only opportunity. I would tell him about your life - kids, what you do for work etc. I would then ask him about his life. It's difficult with Covid but I would maybe suggest meeting him in person for a walk just to chat. I wouldn't bring up anything major during that meeting, but meeting in person would likely be more natural for you both. I'd then see how that goes and take it from there.

I understand there are questions you want answered, but I think you need to do a bit of groundwork first. And when I say you, I mean both of you (mainly him).

It does seem very unfair that he seems to be the one who is unsure/contemplating the contact at this point. As a parent he certainly owes you that at the very least, but, I hate to say it, as he was able to walk away and compartmentalise that part of his life, it is possible that he could keep the lid completely shut because he finds it "easier". If you want answers from him, approaching that too soon might scare him off. At the moment you are just this "idea", not a real person. He may need time to get to know you before you feel able to open up a dialogue about the past. I will say that that doesn't seem fair, he owes you much more, but his actions up to now indicate that he doesn't necessarily go by what's fair or right and if you want answers then you might have to play the long game. If you don't want to play to his tune then that's fine too. It's just a case of working out what you want from him and then the best way to get it.

I really do hope it works out for you.

Thank you all for such lovely and supportive comments. Obviously it hasn't gone the way I imagined and yes I believed I was owed, at least, some proper communication from him. So it's very disappointing. I've been a bit of a mess the past few days with it all but I'm trying to focus now on the people that I love and who love me in return. The last message I sent him, after he said he wasn't ready to talk was "Okay. Well, take care of yourself. I'll leave you be. Sorry." And no response back. So as far as I'm concerned now that's it. I can't actually believe I even said sorry! What kind of man let's his child say sorry when they've done absolutely nothing wrong and do nothing to refute it. He should be apologising to me. Deep down part of me wondered whether it wasn't his fault and there were things to the story that I didn't know but judging by his response that's not the case.

I'm not holding back the urge to send him a message telling him what I think of him. Hah.

I thought he might be interested in me, what I'm up to, what im like, etc. But I guess not. He has come across as self absorbed like it's all about him and no thought about me at all.

You dint know what actually happened when you where kids, you've your mums side obv - he might have wanted to stay in contact - he might be reeling from this or running, you don't know. You've left the door open so just let him come to you,

What an absolute bastard he is OP. Weak, self obsessed, devoid of compassion.

I’m so sorry, you must feel so broken. But you’re not - he’s the broken one, the one who doesn’t work properly. The defective ‘dad’.

He deserves for you to send a long furious email about what a pathetic and substandard specimen of humanity he is and why. To think he’s playing the victim!! Oh it’s been hard for him has it, hard to face what a worthless prick he is?!?

Furious for you and sending a hug

@notapizzaeater

You dint know what actually happened when you where kids, you've your mums side obv - he might have wanted to stay in contact - he might be reeling from this or running, you don't know. You've left the door open so just let him come to you,

This is what my DP says but all I can think about is the woman who raised me. My Dad didn't pay a penny in maintenance, never sent Birthday or Christmas cards. When I was seven he sent a text to say he was going to come and see me, we hadn't heard from him for years by this point and I was so bloody excited. I didn't sleep all night. I remember getting out of bed really early and running into my Mum's room, today's the day. My Dad's coming today! He never came.

And to add and now I look at my Half Sisters facebook pictures and he's there and I see their interactions in the comments and how much she adores him and vice versa and what a great Dad he's been to her. How can he be like that with her after what he did to me?

@AtrociousCircumstance

What an absolute bastard he is OP. Weak, self obsessed, devoid of compassion.

I’m so sorry, you must feel so broken. But you’re not - he’s the broken one, the one who doesn’t work properly. The defective ‘dad’.

He deserves for you to send a long furious email about what a pathetic and substandard specimen of humanity he is and why. To think he’s playing the victim!! Oh it’s been hard for him has it, hard to face what a worthless prick he is?!?

Furious for you and sending a hug

Thank you so much. ❤

I also look at my own child now and think how could a parent ever ever do that to their child?? My DP has children from a previous relationship. He split from their Mother but they co parent wonderfully. He adores his kids and sees them all the time. They stay often and we all get on so well. So I see how it could have been done.

OP don’t be manipulated into being ‘patient and understanding’ about a man who abandoned you and let you down.

Typical pressure for women to be kind and nice and forgiving, even towards people who abuse them.

What your dad did is unforgivable but the worst part is, he’s not begging for forgiveness. He’s just focusing on his own comfort and making pathetic self-serving excuses.

You are entitled to your rage and pain about this. You don’t need him, he can’t give you anything except more disappointment. What I would suggest is you find a great therapist who can help you work through these big feelings.

@AtrociousCircumstance

OP don’t be manipulated into being ‘patient and understanding’ about a man who abandoned you and let you down.

Typical pressure for women to be kind and nice and forgiving, even towards people who abuse them.

What your dad did is unforgivable but the worst part is, he’s not begging for forgiveness. He’s just focusing on his own comfort and making pathetic self-serving excuses.

You are entitled to your rage and pain about this. You don’t need him, he can’t give you anything except more disappointment. What I would suggest is you find a great therapist who can help you work through these big feelings.

Yeah, that's exactly it. He's focusing on himself. It's really pathetic.

Wishing you a happy Mother's Day, Mega, hope you have a lovely day with your DC and DP - your real family!

@MegaScared Yes, have a lovely day with your loved ones xxx

Thanks all. MN can be such a kind and supportive place. DP has baked a cake, cleaned the house and put a Roast on. DS got me some lovely presents and me and DM are putting our feet up. I went looking for my Dad because deep down I wanted his love and acceptance but I'm already surrounded by so much love and I'm so very lucky. Thank you, you wonderful women.