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Original poster

I've done something stupid and I'm scared!

217 replies

MegaScared · 11/03/2021 16:43

I've just sent a message to my Father after finding him on Facebook. Haven't had contact for 20+ years. Bloody scared now. Got a feeling he'll ignore it though.

OP posts:
WineInTheWillows · 12/03/2021 04:48

I'd ask a question, OP. I know some people are weird when it comes to written communication and won't respond to anything unless there's a question involved- they presume it's not necessary. Maybe your dad's a bit like that, too?

user1481840227 · 12/03/2021 05:03

Thanks, I appreciate your comments. In honesty though, I'm not interested in forming relationships with any half siblings or any one like that. I just want to speak to my Dad.

Definitely the right decision. I had a half sister that I didn't know about contact me and tried to get close to me to get close to or to get back at our dad and it wasn't a good experience.

I think it's good that he has at least mentioned it to his daughter, it shows he has at least spoke about it to someone so he probably isn't planning on burying his head in the sand over you completely.
I'd say he is probably terrified that you're going to berate him and make him feel like a shit (which he is) and a lot of men will try to avoid that at all costs.

NeverRTFT · 12/03/2021 05:40

Good luck OP. Hope you get what you need from this ThanksThanksThanks

toocold54 · 12/03/2021 06:44

Another development, my Dad's daughter just added me as a friend on facebook.

He has obviously told people then which sounds like he is thinking of how to reply.

I don’t think what you’ve done is silly at all. If he is nasty or blocks you then at least you will know and haven’t lost anything.

Wife2b · 12/03/2021 07:00

I think you could of sent a bit more than just Hi OP. Even just a “after all these years I feel now would be a good time to reconnect if that is what you’d like too...”. I’m saying this as someone who also tracked down their parent on Facebook after an absent childhood. Will he for sure know it’s from his daughter?

oakleaffy · 12/03/2021 07:52

@MegaScared

I'm never going to know now whether he saw the message and chose to ignore me or whether he just didn't see it.
I think it says ''Seen'' underneath...But I don't use Facebook much at all now. Not been on for a year.
Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 12/03/2021 08:03

she is not a gatekeeper, what a silly remark.

Remona · 12/03/2021 08:03

I don't think it's fair to criticise him for his brief response when all you sent as your opening gambit was "Hi". You did yourself no favours with that. He'll have no doubt been suspicious and wondered what was going on to get such a message out of the blue. He wouldn't even have known for sure that it was you.

I would leave it a day or two and then if you haven't heard further send a follow up message something along the lines of "I'm sorry if my message came as a bit of a shock, but I'd really like the chance to reconnect again after all these years, if that's something you'd be interested in too." And then leave it with the ball firmly in his court.

Don't accept his daughter's friend request at this stage. She may be trying to protect her father and is trying to determine what your motives are, but she may also be wanting to interfere and ward you off.

Also, don't invest too much in this. Don't expect him to say all the things you've been wanting to hear, all the apologies you think you're owed etc. You're highly likely not to get them. Don't expect too much as you're only going to end up getting hurt. At least he replied and that's a massive positive! He could have just ignored it completely and blocked you, so it's a step in the right direction. I had been estranged from my father too for 20+ years and had been doing some digging around recently. Yesterday I received a copy of a death certificate - he died seven years ago. That ship has sailed for me now. You've got your chance here, be careful and don't blow it! Good luck.

Billandben444 · 12/03/2021 08:05

I hope he responds and you get some sort of relationship with him but I wouldn't bank on much tbh. Having opened the door slightly, if I hadn't heard back in a couple of days, I'd be tempted to send a longer message with brief details of my life so far and where I'm at now. I'd ask him how he is and how's life treating him - no recriminations or accusations - and once he knows you want nothing from him, he might come back to you. I hope he does and that even if the conversation is short you get something from it. Good luck 💐

Lovemusic33 · 12/03/2021 08:09

I think you should write a longer message, don’t be afraid to ask questions or tell him how you are feeling, explain why you want contact, tell him you would like to see him (if that’s what you want) and tell him there are things you would like to ask him, blanks you need filled.

It’s a good sign that he daughter has added you, that shows he has talked to his daughter about you contacting him, he’s probably unsure what to say.

TeenMinusTests · 12/03/2021 08:27

I'd leave it a couple of days while you think through what you really want. Then send a message something like:
'Sorry for the brief message out of the blue the other day. I had been thinking about you and messaged on impulse without really thinking things through. I'm pleased you responded though.'
Then go on to say what you want:
e.g.

  • I'd like to get to know you a bit now just by messaging. X contacted me but for now can it just be us.
  • I've got some questions about what happened when you and Mum split up, would you be willing to answer them
  • I'd love it if we could ignore the past for now but try to rebuild some kind of contact slowly
or whatever
Clarice99 · 12/03/2021 08:32

@Inthevirtualwaitingroom

she is not a gatekeeper, what a silly remark.
It really isn't a silly remark.

@justilou1 - I agree with you. I have been in this type of position, pre FB days, with my biological father's 2nd wife and her 2 children (his step children) closing ranks to ensure that I was well and truly kept out.

The gatekeeping is definitely a thing. I'm not the only one it's happened to and I sure won't be the last either!

Bunnybigears · 12/03/2021 08:43

A similar thing happened with my DH and his absent father. It's to a very intense month or so with hours of communication and lots of half siblings getting in touch. After that it dwindled and now we are on a Christmas card and the odd birthday text basis only. Prepare yourself for the worst hope for the best.

FreshFancyFrogglette · 12/03/2021 08:44

I don't think you can assume the intentions of the half sister just from an add! That may have been your experience, it may be what's happening now, but nothing yet to indicate that! Just a friend request, which is perfectly legit. Maybe the half sister wants contact, but the dad is unsure, everyone is different! We can't assume we know people's intentions based on our own experiences.

minniemoocher · 12/03/2021 08:47

Just see where it goes, my exh has a decent relationship with his df after a similar gap, never going to be a normal parent child one but they do meet a couple of times a year and go to see sports. He crosses paths with his half siblings if at his dads but otherwise has no real relationship, they are acquaintances

Ugzbugz · 12/03/2021 08:49

@MegaScared

Maybe I don't have an other folder because my settings are set up not to allow messages from people who aren't my friends.
Then you won't see the reply if you aren't friends on Facebook surely??
StellaDendrite · 12/03/2021 08:57

I think you are overcomplicating it. I'd write a short message saying you wanted to say hi and see how he was doing then I'd give a summary of what I'd been up to. I would keep it light and I would not mention 'reconnecting' or 'reaching out' or anything similar.
If I had received the messages you have sent so far I'd wonder if you are drunk 😅. They are a bit weird.

MaliceOrgan · 12/03/2021 09:22

OP have you got anyone with you? It sounds quite stressful, especially if you're not entirely sure of what outcome you want.

52andblue · 12/03/2021 09:35

@SendMeHome

Ah love. This must be painful.

Objectively, if he's been shit for 20 years and not contacted you, he's probably not going to take the lead now and start being father of the year... so if you want to try and forge a relationship, or at least a conversation, you might be best to take the lead and try to keep it going.

But you have to balance that with the fact that he might still be shit, and disinterested, and that isn't a reflection on you. It's just that he's not capable of better, right now. If taking the lead and putting more effort in will make it hurt more if he doesn't reply, put yourself first and let it fizzle out if that's the way it's going to go.

Flowers

@SendMeHome

I just wanted to say 'THANK YOU' for this post.
It is helpful to me on a number of levels.

Original poster
MegaScared · 12/03/2021 09:47

Still no reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
MegaScared · 12/03/2021 09:48

@MaliceOrgan

OP have you got anyone with you? It sounds quite stressful, especially if you're not entirely sure of what outcome you want.
My partner is supportive and here for me. I can't tell my DM though.
OP posts:
52andblue · 12/03/2021 10:00

OP, the 'waiting' is horrible as you are sitting with all your hopes & fears.
I hope that this gives you the outcome you need xxx

CorianderBee · 12/03/2021 10:03

This must be very difficult, but I don't think you've made your intentions or wants clear. You're not asking open questions or really indicating why you're getting in contact. He may find it hard to reply to your messages when he doesn't know what you want and may feel it's rude to say 'why?'

CorianderBee · 12/03/2021 10:04

Are you not opening the conversation because all you want to ask is very negative/blaming? Eg, 'why did you leave' or 'why haven't you called me'?

Original poster
MegaScared · 12/03/2021 10:13

He replied. I followed up my last message just asking if he was alright and he replied "I'm okay thank you". So I've just said, "glad to hear it. Would you like to speak to me or would you rather I didn't message you anymore?" Now it's up to him isn't it. Ohhh, he's replied again. "I'm a bit surprised you messaged and I'm trying to get my head around it."

OP posts: