Page 5 | I've done something stupid and I'm scared!

MegaScared · 2021-03-11T16:43:45+00:00

I've just sent a message to my Father after finding him on Facebook. Haven't had contact for 20+ years. Bloody scared now. Got a feeling he'll ignore it though.

Youngatheart00 · 12/03/2021 20:53

He might not be much of a text/messaging communicator. Could you arrange to meet for a walk? Nothing heavy, just catching up.

dogmandu · 12/03/2021 21:00

@MegaScared

You've done as much as you can to open communications with your father and to get answers to the questions you still have.

He may never give you truthful answers. I hope you will be able to step back knowing you have done your best and find some peace.

I might contact yoúr half sister one more time. Thank her for her reaching out but say that you don't get the impression that your contact was welcome, and block her and your father after this.

SilverBirchWithout · 12/03/2021 22:24

@MegaScared

I mean why is he doing this to me? After twenty years. Why can't he step up and respond with something that contains more than three bloody words. I feel like he really owes me I cant help it. He owes me but the way the conversation has gone so far seems like hes the kid and I'm the dead beat parent trying to make amends. He's the let down kid in shock and needs space, etc. This wasn't how it was supposed to be

He’s never stepped up for you, and he’s always owed you an explanation. He’s not ever fulfilled his father’s role for you. Nothing has materially changed, or likely to. He is who he’s always been. Just because you have some of his genes it doesn’t mean he shares your values. It does not sound like good communication (or even compassion) is part of his skills or abilities. The ball is now in his court, please summon all your strength to avoid any further attempts to get the responses you want, need, or deserve. His inability to be that father is not your fault or responsibility. Thinking of you.

Original poster

MegaScared · 12/03/2021 22:47

What can I say to him? I've left the ball in his court. He knows I want to talk. But i cant keep waiting for him to reply it's eating me up. Shall I just ask him straight? Does he want contact or not? I don't know how to word it.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 12/03/2021 23:06

His answers are short but it could genuinely be that he is in complete shock. I would probably leave it and see if he messages you. It may take him a few days or even months but you have taken the first step which is incredibly brave and whatever happens you’ll know you did the right thing.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 13/03/2021 00:00

MegaScared
"And I haven't been opening the conversation because I'm not sure what to say. I want him to know he has a grandson. But i have questions, negative ones, that i want to ask."

He's your father, not your dad. He may one day turn into a dad but then again he might not. Please don't get your hopes up. Since he asked why you contacted him, if he messages again, you could tell him you wanted him to know he has a grandson. Then wait to see how he reacts. If it's luke warm or distant, you could say something like 'I'll try to get your DGS to contact you in another twenty years, bye til then' and let it go on your terms. If there's a half-way decent response, leave out the negative questions for now, and just concentrate on the positive things.

Baby steps, go slowly, protect yourself and your DS. You're giving him a second chance, he's the fool if he doesn't take it, you're the brave one for reaching out and extending that chance.

Bimblybomeyelash · 13/03/2021 00:17

I would be honest and to the point and say something like ‘I have a child now and it has got me thinking about my own childhood and so I have some questions about xyz, do you think that you would be able to answer them?’

SilverBirchWithout · 13/03/2021 01:45

There is nothing you can say or do which will compel him to respond in the way you need him to. This man has not ever tried to make contact with you, and you have to presume he still has no desire to do so unless he does suddenly decide to be more forthcoming.
It must be incredibly painful for you, but please realise you are still that child that has no power to make him to do the responsible thing and step up and do what you need him to do.
You have given him a clear opportunity, it’s a very emotionally charged situation for you. Try really hard to reduce your expectations, your pain feels so palpable through your posts.

Alternista · 13/03/2021 02:01

I think you need to step away and give him some time. He had no idea you were going to do this or why. If you push for instant action out of your own (understandable) hurt and rejection, it won’t go well- either he’ll shut down or he’ll give you more but you’ll worry it’s because you pushed him into it.

Wonderbrush · 13/03/2021 02:02

Just say to him that you have some questions you want to ask. If you don’t want to have a relationship with me then that’s fine. But I would like some answers at least?

DeRigueurMortis · 13/03/2021 02:55

@MegaScared

What can I say to him? I've left the ball in his court. He knows I want to talk. But i cant keep waiting for him to reply it's eating me up. Shall I just ask him straight? Does he want contact or not? I don't know how to word it.

Now you've contacted him you might as well be blunt.

The angst of anticipation of his thoughts will be very difficult.

So I'd just send a brief message along the lines of:

"After 20 years of no contact it's obviously difficult to start a conversation; an activity that needs both of us to engage.

I'd appreciate if you would be honest about your thoughts about us taking some steps towards us trying to communicate beyond one line messages."

Obviously put it in your words, but put the onus on him now.

Dasher789 · 13/03/2021 03:11

I think @bimblybomeyelash approach is best.

Not to be insensitive but your father has been absent for 20 years and I am assuming he has never tried to make contact. I really don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt because he is obviously a waste of space in the fathering dept but ur message probably has taken him by surprise. I think it is a nice this he has told his DD and she has reached out. I'd say take PP advise to try and get the answers you want. If you can then build something from there great but don't chase it. You deserve better and having him in a halfway house will have you constantly thinking about when you will next hear from him which will not be a nice place. Good luck xx

justilou1 · 13/03/2021 03:15

How about leave the ball in his court... “I’m not sure if you realize how much courage it took for me to reach out to you. I understand that it’s going to take a lot of courage to communicate in return. Is this something you can see yourself doing?”

justilou1 · 13/03/2021 03:17

Also, while it was the standard story of dad pissing off and starting again, we also hear stories of mothers blocking contact and the kids only finding out years later by finding old letters, etc. Unfortunately the stereotype cowardly dad is the most common truth, but you never really know what happened.

JellyBabiesFan · 13/03/2021 03:24

Give him a bit of time for crying out loud. This is clearly a difficult time for you, but it will also be for him as well given that you have popped up out of the woodwork after 20 years.

Gwegowygwiggs · 13/03/2021 06:05

What exactly were you hoping to achieve from messaging? You'd hoped to resume contact?

If that's the case, deal with it like an adult rather than silly one word messages like "hi".

Send him a message just saying look, I know this has come completely out the blue and I understand it may take you a little time to get your head around it, but it's been 20 years and I panicked when I found you. I would very much like to have a chat, and catch up after all this time and I'm hoping you feel the same way.

Don't expect miracles. My husband found his father after 25 years through a mutual friend a few years ago and although they reconnected it's obviously not even close to a typical father / son relationship. So if you're looking for a father figure to come in and fill that gap, I fear for you that you may be disappointed. Just be careful and realistic, but please stop sending silly messages. Just say what you actually want and stop messing around

MNWorldisCrazy · 13/03/2021 11:48

If I were you @MegaScared , I would say all that you want and NEED to say in one long message. Get it out of your system, how you feel etc and then leave it. This may be your only chance to have your say

Original poster

MegaScared · 13/03/2021 12:13

He's said hes in shock and trying to process it. Apparently it "took him years to recover mentally from not seeing me" it's hard for both of us but he isnt ready to talk at the moment as hes still trying to process it as he wasnt expecting me to reach out. So yeah, he's not ready to talk.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 13/03/2021 12:18

Ask him if he minds you asking some questions. If he doesn’t respond, you have your answer.. I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you.

Snally82 · 13/03/2021 12:20

@MegaScared unless you’ve been in this position you’ll never understand, so many of these comments are uninformed and I’m sorry for that. Our actions when faced when these circumstances can defy logic.

My dad died aged 68 before I ever got the chance to process whether I even wanted to find him and make contact. It’s now a question mark in my life that I’ll never have answers to and that is very hard. The choice has gone.

Take care of yourself though and focus on the friends and family you already have for now.

SendMeHome · 13/03/2021 12:37

@MegaScared Ah love, I’m sorry.

If it was me, I’d go back with what you want to say - that he has a grandson, anything else that you need to say, and then leave it to him.

You can either block him and go back to the people who love you, your friends and family, or archive the message and see if he responds one day. Don’t do the latter if it’ll tear you apart.

It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be the Dad that you wanted him to be, and that’s painful, but you tried and at least you know. Maybe he’ll be better when he’s got his head around it, but for now, you can process the situation.

AmberItsACertainty · 13/03/2021 12:53

@MegaScared

I mean why is he doing this to me? After twenty years. Why can't he step up and respond with something that contains more than three bloody words. I feel like he really owes me I cant help it. He owes me but the way the conversation has gone so far seems like hes the kid and I'm the dead beat parent trying to make amends. He's the let down kid in shock and needs space, etc. This wasn't how it was supposed to be

He's being himself. The same himself who walked out and didn't look back. You know he's not a good person deep down because a good person wouldn't have done that. Therefore don't expect him to be a good person.

The only exception to the above, I'd say, is the situation where the father has tried his hardest to remain in touch but the mother has gone to extremes to keep him away from the child. Which could be entirely reasonable, depending on what he's like. Or it could be totally unreasonable, if it's the mother who is a bad person.

Remember the saying "don't treat someone like a priority when they only consider you to be an option".

Google "baggage reclaim, crumb communication" hopefully it'll bring up the relevant article.

AmberItsACertainty · 13/03/2021 13:00

MegaScared I've just searched and the article you want is "why aren't I enough... for your crumbs?"

AmberItsACertainty · 13/03/2021 13:24

@MegaScared

He's said hes in shock and trying to process it. Apparently it "took him years to recover mentally from not seeing me" it's hard for both of us but he isnt ready to talk at the moment as hes still trying to process it as he wasnt expecting me to reach out. So yeah, he's not ready to talk.

So he chose to grieve the loss of you and move on, instead of choosing to make the effort to stay in touch?

But i cant keep waiting for him to reply it's eating me up

This is the reason I'm very low contact with my siblings. You can't have a relationship by yourself, it takes for the other person to be involved too. A relationship that's all one way is nothing but pain. I send a text on birthday, a card at Christmas and I don't expect any sort of response. They don't have my address so I can't be upset about them choosing not to visit even when they're driving past. Without my address there's no hope or expectation in my part of them visiting. If they text I reply, but I don't ask questions so I'm not expecting a reply back and then can't be hurt when it doesn't happen.

I don't like social media. It makes it too easy to pretend we're having a relationship with someone. If you'd wrote a letter or phoned him, he'd have had to put more effort in. If he hadn't it would have been blindingly obvious to you. But these crumbs of effort via text or instant messaging allow people to string you along with very little effort on their part.

Billandben444 · 13/03/2021 14:58

Send him a very factual message about your life and then try and forget him as pushing for answers will drive him back into his safe space. He may contact you one day or not but, as in any relationship, you can't make him 'want you'. I'm sorry it hasn't turned out differently 💐