What do SAHMs with school age children do?

[Ahbahbahbah]

I’ve been SAHM for 7 years, and my youngest starts school next term (didn’t start in September due to covid).

DH is happy for to just relax/take up a hobby etc - and certainly after the last year of homeschooling I will do that for a while! Financially I don’t need to work.

But how will I actually fill my days? I feel like I have no idea what I would do or who I am without my children constantly needing me.

Can any SAHMs with school age children tell me how they fill their days? What should I be thinking about?

Ok, that’s great that it was physically possible for your husband to do all of that. I don’t believe it would have been possible for my husband to look after me and the kids and keep his job.

@Hobbitfeet32 but surely the point of SAHPs is that they do have children! And all the associated stuff that comes with that including the points that have already been made like the school day hours and the school holidays.

I’m just saying that the household work associated with children does not add up to 50k. I do all of the same tasks but outside of my paid working hours and can honestly say that it wouldn’t equate to that. Not bashing SAHPs at all, it’s great if that’s what you want to do and it works for your family but don’t pretend that the workload is something that it isn’t.

Okay - I didn’t make the £50K assertion so can’t say where that came from, I just think comparing a SAHP with a FT working non-parent is a bit pointless as they are totally different. There’s far less to do in terms of life/house stuff without kids for one thing (nostalgically remembers those days 🤣)

[quote Hobbitfeet32]@LadyDanburysCane but much of that does not need to be outsourced. As in it’s entirely possible to complete most of those tasks whilst maintaining a full time job. People who work and don’t have children still have to do laundry, eat etc and they don’t outsource it.[/quote]
I only answered the question.

I know my DH saw me being at home as being better value for money than putting the children into childcare and he has said that if I went back to work full time (I currently work part time, term time only) then we would probably get at least a cleaner because he likes to spend “downtime” with me.

@justanotherneighinparadise

What services do you provide that are worth 50k per annum?

It shouldn’t be surprising, almost all parents provide services that would cost a small fortune to hire in, we often under value the work we do as parents. Mums in particular are often talked about having a “second shift”.

When the kids were in primary during term time I provided nannying services from 7 - 9:45 and then from 2:45 to 8. I was also available at no notice for sick days. During school holidays I provided nannying services 7am - 8 pm. And on week nights I was on call from midnight - 7. During about 6 weeks a year I was on my own with them 24/7 while my husband travelled. I Also provided around 15 hours a week of housekeeper/house manager/personal assistant services that a nanny wouldn’t do, though I did some of it while looking after my kids.

Lots of parents do this and work too. As I said, we could easily have covered everything at less out of pocket expense. We could have shared the load on week time night wakings, drop off, pick up and sick days. We could have used before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. We could have chosen a school that wasn’t a 45 minute drive away. I could have asked my MiL to come stay while DH was away (or one or both of us could have taken a hit to our careers). We could have done the chores together in the evenings or at the weekend. Etc. That’s what most parents do instead of hiring people to do it all.

But it adds stress to their lives that we just didn’t have. Primary years were a bit of a breeze for us in many ways. We weren’t harried at all (other than cold season in the first couple of years!), almost all our family time was relaxed. My kids got lots of after school play dates, music lessons, sports stuff etc. that we didn’t have to run around to fit in on the weekend. We didn’t have to meal plan or decide who was going to shop while the other took the kids swimming, argue over whether the stairs really needed hoovering, or whatever. The DC got a lot of time chilling out at home that they loved and still talk about now that they’re teens, we spent the school holidays exploring their interests (and chilling!). That was almost entirely because all the work time childcare and the household chores were taken care of by me without other competing demands. When we costed out hiring other people to do all that so that our lives would be equally stress free while I worked as hard as my DH in a career it was easily £50k (and it still wouldn’t have covered everything).

@GrumpyHoonMain you have a massive DH problem if you think/feel the only reason he looked after you when you were ill was because he considers you an equal because you have a job.
I can’t think of anything worse than being married to a man who places my entire value on being someone’s employee or how much I bring in each month.

I've been a SAHM (not through choice) for the last 12 months.

So far I've redecorated hall, stairs, landing , 2 bedrooms and bathroom, sanded &painted miles of woodwork, cleared garden & weeded/mulched flower beds, lifted and reseated paving slabs, repointed a wall and serviced three mountain bikes.

It's been an education, my house is much more up together but I'm going back to work shortly. SAHM is nice but not for me

[quote FuckyouBrennan]@GrumpyHoonMain you have a massive DH problem if you think/feel the only reason he looked after you when you were ill was because he considers you an equal because you have a job.
I can’t think of anything worse than being married to a man who places my entire value on being someone’s employee or how much I bring in each month.[/quote]
That’s not what I said and you know it. Have a reread then come back at me. Our careers are equal which is why there wasn’t even a discussion that one of us would sacrifice it. And hiring in 50k worth of help instead of supporting your DP, then brainwashing her into keeping status quo is horrible.

He just did all of it plus his job (and worked around deadlines) until I was better. I have no illusions that he only does this because we have both worked in high paid jobs and so consider both our careers equal

I wasn’t being a dick. That’s genuinely how I read this section.

@Hobbitfeet32 I can easily see how with childcare, extra travel costs and extra expenditure on convenience food and drink could reach £50k in a family with 2 young dc

If you work how much is your childcare ?

There are often articles where the costs of outsourcing everything a sahm does or even a working mum and the final cost is usually pretty high!

www.actuarialpost.co.uk/news/£30--000-a-year-that----039s-the-value-of-a-mum-62.htm

@Graphista thank you for talking about what it's like as a parent with disabilities (I hope I've tagged the correct person). My illnesses are invisible so people don't believe I'm sick, and as you say heating up something from the freezer can be all I manage that day.

A OP said what are we teaching our daughters and sons about a man providing and a woman not working. A few things I'd point out.

-working as a team rather than point scoring tends to be more successful in a relationship
-different things work for different people
-your value is not just about what you do for work and how much you earn
-different things work for different people (again)

From my own perspective, I'm lucky that I'm from a wealthy family so have investments/savings. Otis a risk that DH earns all the money but even when I was working there was a huge gap. I earnt £23k and he earn c.£75k so I was never financially independent.

The school day is not that long here in Ireland.
8.50 to 1.50 for juniors
8.50 to 2.s50 for seniors
8.50 to 4.00 for secondary/.

I had 3 school runs in morning then 2, and 3 in the afternoon to collect them.
That takes up a serio amount of time.
By teh time you get home,get clesning maybe do some shopping and making dinner for the kids when they come in.[Ours dont get school meals] thats the whole morning gone.

Then theres meetings with the school,dr appointments and such.

I was a sahm for years because we didnt have family help for emergencies.

And at teh minute my dp is at home,hes lost his job due to Covid.So we are all at home and its been lovely being together.

@Twilightstarbright thank you, I'm not as badly off as many, my conditions are invisible too mostly (at times I've needed to use mobility sids when I've been very bad but that's rare as I'm being told to avoid this for as long as possible) main problem while dd was younger was mental illness - which comes with a whole load of other stigmas!

I would have loved to be working I enjoyed work, but most of the time it was all I could manage just to keep us ticking over.

All sahm deserve to be spoken of and treated with respect - as do wohm, part time working mums, and student mums

We're all just doing the best we can for our families

My only concern for sahm is if they're in a relationship and not married that can make them financially vulnerable and often they're not aware of this.

Yes benefits are available but they are not generous (contrary to what some may think!) and they can take some time to kick in (especially at the moment!) and it can take time to mentally and practically adjust to them it's not easy

The critics need to check their privilege and their jealousy.

Everyone's "hard" may be different but very few people have it "easy"

My life experience and knowledge of the people in my circle's challenges has certainly taught me that NOBODY has a charmed life.

There's me - disabled and on benefits, right up to my friend who is now a barrister but who is stressed often and feels a lot of guilt for the long hours she works. I've had people in real life comment to me "x has it easy" when I know x is stressed about work, their relationship, or something their kid is going through...

I don't divulge confidences, maybe that is why people trust me with them, perhaps also because they know the struggles I've had, certainly I find I tend to be the one they disclose that they've experienced mh issues I think as I'm relatively open about my own, while others are thinking that person is sailing through life!

I can't think of a single person I know who hasn't been through something really tough at some point in their lives, critics would do well to remember to consider that they may not know the full story and they certainly shouldn't assume people they barely know (like on an online forum) "has it easy"

I once had a relatively new poster make some crazy assumptions about me and basically posted accordingly something like

"What would you know?! You clearly have a privileged and easy going life"

I wasn't on the thread for a while, then when I came back other posters who WERE familiar with me as a poster and knew the challenges I'd faced had enlightened them

To be fair to them they did apologise but just goes to show one should never assume.

Occasionally I am guilty of it myself, I try not to be but I'm human, I'm fallible!

Op I hope you find the transition as easy as possible, such a change can put you off kilter a bit at first.

When my dd started high school we had so much to deal with around this time I found it very difficult. As did she, mainly she was angry and scared and unsure at dealing with the news of having a disability, especially as this news for her also meant certain hobbies had to stop for health reasons, and the school were NOT very understanding - I had to have many discussions with the head about what was and wasn't ok for dd to do in school hours and culminated in a meeting where I had to use photos of the effects of their not bloody listening on dds body (why are schools so shit at listening?!)

My own health was very poor at this time too, which was also scary for dd.

But we got through it and she settled in.

Every change is a challenge, but mostly these challenges help us grow - cheesy but true

I have been a sahm for several years but have previously worked and to some extent, regret giving up work on a part-time basis. Smallest dc is due to start school soon and I need to do something for my sanity so will be going back and re-reading this thread.

Also experiencing relationship difficulties and now being a sahm have well and truly backed myself into a corner on many levels including the need for a bit more social interaction. I am living in a gilded cage where money isn't a big concern and probably looks perfectly lovely from the outside but in reality (and no-one knows this in real life) I am lonely and bored to tears. Unfortunately, I don't have any living relatives, no-one to visit etc. so I need to make my life outside the home work better for me in terms of trying to bring me into contact with like minded people and perhaps put in place some sort of structure. My plans are to try an -online business (low key but will get me out of the house at least one day a week), volunteer (I think I'm going to keep trying different things until I find something that works for me) and try and join a few social groups related to my hobbies. Have also thought about joining a gym for swimming etc. Unfortunately, the things I like to do (hobbies and potential on-line business) are insular so I need to look at other ways to address this. I might be better going back to work eventually but being a sahm works on so many levels and the previous jobs I have had have been dead end admin work. At the very least I need to take a bit of time out for me. I've entered the perimenopause and I'm waiting for some therapy whenever face to face therapy begins again. I need to dredge up some energy/motivation from somewhere because I no longer feel happy just pottering around the home and I need pockets of time in the week that I actually look forward to and something that helps to build my self esteem which is incredibly low. I'm actually in the process of trying to learn how to take care of myself, I've always been the caretaker and I think I have become co-dependent.

I'm not looking forward to change, it honestly fills me with dread but doing something has got to be better than what I'm currently doing.

@User454876584 sounds like a tough situation. Hope you are able to get the therapy soon.

I spend hours cleaning and washing. Go for walks and meet friends for outdoor coffee (whilst walking atm!)
I'm also retraining atm so that takes a few days.
Plus getting the kids at 3ish. It's not a long day and I personally don't have enough time despite what others think.
You could volunteer or get a p/t job?

Interesting to hear everyone's responses. I guess sooner or later we find a new kind routine but I definitely struggle with having no structure to my day/week.

Therapy first. Then I suspect I will do some volunteering of some kind. Tinkering with a small on-line business, then see what fits around as finding work is going to difficult I think. I want something to do that inspires me a bit so I don't just end up feeling like I'm filling in time. The problem when you feel low and anxious is then firing yourself up to get out there and do things. I'm in turmoil over what I want to try and whether I want to commit to it...I envy people who find work etc. that they feel really passionate about. I've got plenty of time to think...I might be over thinking things. I've got the urge to keep busy, just so I don't have time to think and dwell about how rubbish and lonely I feel but then I might not be doing what's best for me. I feel like I'm beginning to grieve because my youngest (and last baby) is due to go to pre-school soon. Gah...definitely therapy next.