What do SAHMs with school age children do?

[Ahbahbahbah]

I’ve been SAHM for 7 years, and my youngest starts school next term (didn’t start in September due to covid).

DH is happy for to just relax/take up a hobby etc - and certainly after the last year of homeschooling I will do that for a while! Financially I don’t need to work.

But how will I actually fill my days? I feel like I have no idea what I would do or who I am without my children constantly needing me.

Can any SAHMs with school age children tell me how they fill their days? What should I be thinking about?

@Seymour5 I don’t consider that a SAHM. That’s unemployed. There is a difference between living off benefits & being able to afford to stay at home with your children through choice.

It’s all very well saying childcare should be a shared cost (which it definitely should) but does it make a difference?

Working parent brings home £25k SAHP nothing, no childcare costs, household income £25k

Working parent brings home £25k, second parent earns £15, childcare £15k + (that’s what one child in nursery 5 days a week costs near me) and effectively the second parent is working for nothing AND both parents have to spend time they’d rather have as family time doing housework etc. Even if the two “share” the costs, the total income hasn’t changed.

I became a SAHM due to having a child with complex health needs and disabilities. When my youngest started at nursery I was determined I would not spend that free time doing housework but do something for me. I joined a gym and got fit having done virtually no exercise for 7 years. A lot of my school day wasn't actually free as it was filled with medical appointments and education/disability related admin. But I did find time to take on various voluntary roles over the years including at both DC's schools and for disability related charity. One word of advice about taking on voluntary work - think carefully about what you choose and how much time and effort you want to put in outside of what the voluntary hours appear to be. For example, volunteering to listen to children read in school generally means you do X hours a week and that is it (although you may get asked to go on school trips as extra because you'll be DBS checked). Volunteering as a school Governor or other committee member will not only involve attending meetings but often involves reading lots of documents outside of those meetings and dealing with issues that arise at other times. I'm not saying don't take on the latter but just advising you to think carefully about what is involved and what you're prepared to give.

I was basically a SAHM for a few years, just working at local school at lunchtimes. I kept on top of all the housework (so no need for DH to do) and always cooked on a weekday evening. I also did whatever I could physically do on my own in the garden. If I had the car, I'd get things DH needed and kept on top of our financial affairs.

I totally enjoyed it. It's important to get out though. Exercise class, walks, meeting with friends for that walk or a coffee with them.

As you adapt, you'll soon find yourself running out of time before school pick up.

@BoomBoomsCousin

Don’t you feel any responsibility to bring money into the family though? Like that could be my life also but I really wrestle with deciding that I’m going to waft about as a career and let DP work to look after us all?

You didn’t ask me either, but also FWIW while the kids were in primary, it would have cost us in the region of £50k to buy in all the services I provided as a SAHM, so I would have needed to earn in the region of £75k(?) to make it a net gain at the time and I probably couldn’t have made more than £45k. We wouldn’t have needed to buy all of those services in - we could have had a significantly more stressed household and more money - but I added plenty of value to the household, that aspect never concerned me. The issue with being a SAHM has been more around my financial vulnerability and the longer term impact of lower earning capacity after the kids are older. The trajectory for the sort of career I had would probably have been gently sloping downward for me by this stage even if I’d worked, though, so it’s not clear that’s going to be an overall loss either.

What services do you provide that are worth 50k per annum?

@justanotherneighinparadise I am assuming the PP meant childcare, cleaning, gardening etc all of which can be outsourced.
She doesn’t need to justify her choices to you.

@FuckyouBrennan, I would agree except unemployed usually means seeking work. Automatic benefits based around children legitimises not working, and some do describe themselves as SAHMS or full time mummies.

I have lots of admiration for single working mums btw.

It'll still be a good 3/4 years for me to possibly be in that position..... wanna trade for a day??

I would emphasise for you to be well rested and available for your family. Right now I feel like I totally suck at being a mum/wife/person/wtv. I hardly sleep, I have lost all my patience.... and that influences how available I am for my kids, to help them with their school, their play, to have energy to take everyone out to the park. You can rest and exercise and do meditation (maybe even volunteer, that would be nice ) during the school time and kind of "work full time" as a mum when everyone else is at home.

It’s all very well saying childcare should be a shared cost (which it definitely should) but does it make a difference?

It doesn’t in the short term but but does long term re pension, job prospects if circumstances change etc.

At one point a few years ago I was very ill for a few months - had surgery and was basically on bed rest. DH couldn’t take the time off work (or rather he could have but would have lost a huge project which would have had a massive impact on his career).

During that time we had a cleaner twice a week, and a nanny, and a separate night nanny (baby still woke several times a night), and used ready meals and food deliveries. It easily cost the equivalent of £50k a year! So I agree that the services I provide as a SAHM have a financial value to the family.

I just think that once the DCs are all in school it would be reasonable for me to do something else with my new free time, and I have no idea what!

Op why not use the time to just try out lots of different things? It doesn't matter if it's not structured or with an end plan in sight. Volunteering is amazing, you can choose to do lots of different things and see how different orgs work, get access to training, meet people you'd never normally meet etc. I'm not a sahm but spent years working pt due to mental health, did loads of volunteering, community work and random courses (from beekeeping to learning to support people with substance misuse issues). I'm so glad of it now, it's so useful in my current job and it made me more confident and happy. I learned loads about myself and the way I want my life to be and what I want to do with it.

Time is so precious, you're in a great position to try new things, help out your local community etc. I was furloughed for 9 months and spent the time volunteering, running, cooking curries from scratch, baking, making stuff/crafting, reading. It was bliss. The volunteering was really helpful though, it gave more structure to my week.

I've been a SAHM for 15 years now and it's only now the kids are almost 13 and 16 that I'm finally feeling a bit bored. Covid not helping with that and although home schooling kept me busy initially they've now settled into a routine and I'm feeling a bit redundant again. This is the very first time in 15 years that I've felt this way.

When they were at primary school I kept very busy with a mixture of volunteering at school , did a photography course and that led me to be out most days doing landscape and bird photography as a hobby. Also went to the gym every other day and took up running. I had lots of local "school mum friends" and an active social life during the day plus other hobbies to keep me busy. Also spent a lot of time driving the kids around between various after school activities every day ( still would be if not for Covid)

If I was younger I'd be looking at finding a job just to keep me occupied but I am 51, don't need the money and DH and I are looking at him retiring in a few years and I don't want a job that will stop us being able to travel and enjoy our free time together.

I would advise anyone to try and keep working at least part time if at all possible. I do wish I'd done that looking back but the career I was in for 20 years before I had kids was not suitable for part time working ( according to my employer at the time anyway!)

I think now times are different and employers would ( I hope) make more of an effort to facilitate part time working for parents of young children.

Genuinely intrigued as to what household services would cost 50k!

I keep my house clean, do washing, prepare dinner early. Have a bath, meet friends for coffee (pre covid), go for walks with them. Organise the place, paint, craft, sew, shop.

I have a day to myself on the sofa.

Tbh 5.5 hours a day isn’t long and it’s soon filled!

I was a bit bored / lonley / adjusting for the first year. I had multiples and when they started school it was such a relief not to have to be on duty and tending to them all day and to have a few hours to myself.
I enjoyed the quiet for a couple of months and took the time to exercise, sort the house out (think every draw and cupboard, selling things etc)
I found though after the first 2 months I was a bit lonely and it just felt so strange. I still had cleaning to do but that had massively lost its appeal. It was winter and miserable outside.
I eventually got into my groove by regurarly putting walks and coffees in with friends who worked part time or SAHM also. I went swimming quite a bit.
Then I decided to start my own handmade business from home and that gave me a new lease of life and focus and was something I loved doing. Plus earned me some extra money

I wasn't strictly speaking a "sahm" as I'm sick/disabled is why I wasn't working, but I was a single mum and this sort of scenario applied to me roughly when dd started high school.

You'll actually probably be surprised how short the school day is!

I found that to be the case anyway, by the time I'd done any housework, admin and errands that needed doing dd was on her way home from school which meant helping with homework, making dinner, getting a laundry on etc

I thought I'd have LOADS of spare time, I really didn't! And I don't think I did loads more than others at that point, indeed from reading mn I probably did considerably less! I wasn't cleaning the skirting boards weekly or redecorating at least one room monthly!

I would advise wait and see first before committing to anything thinking you'll have loads of spare time, as you may not.

Some people are able to find the time but ime (not just myself but other mums I know in real life) most are chasing their tails still!

All it really does is mean that we have free time at the weekend as a family without needing to do the boring stuff.

I'd agree with that

When I was working I felt so guilty as weekends were mostly spent catching up on chores and errands and prepping for the following week! I was able to spend very little quality time with dd which I very much regret now

As it happened for me as well dd was dx with a disability of her own in the summer before starting high school, I had no idea how much time that would take in terms of appointments and assessments and fittings for orthotics etc plus the condition was affecting her far more at this point (how we ended up getting a dx) which meant days off school and trips to a&e etc although it didn't really kick in until the 2nd year she was at high school due to waiting lists

I also had my own medical appointments to deal with of course.

What I did find was I was able and happy to cook from scratch much more and batch cook, when I was working full time and commuting etc I was too knackered! So we weren't eating as healthily or cheaply. I lost weight without really trying as a result

Well for 13 weeks they arent at school. also true, which many (especially those critical of sahm) forget! Plus of course bank holidays and inset days! Which at one point seemed to be every other week!

Having a routine is a good idea, stops you getting fed up.

Also what I noticed is with us both being at home and doing more at home there was more mess TO clean and tidy - again something I think sahm critics forget/aren't aware of

For some of us, life admin, doing the grocery shop CAN take a day or at least takes it out of us enough that this is pretty much all we manage that day!

To those being JUDGY ARSES remember everybody's lives are different!

With my health issues I have days where making a cooked dinner that is just freezer to oven job IS an achievement - and that's now with dd having left home!

Everyone has different challenges - different family sizes and make up (maybe caring for disabled children, elderly parents), pets that need cared for, bigger/older houses to maintain, their own health issues to factor in...

Unless you know what it's like to handle that stuff (and even the exact same medical conditions can vary greatly impact wise) then you are really best to mute the JUDGING!

There are pros and cons to all the different "mum" setups

I've been

Working full time mum
Working part time mum
Student mum
Sahm
Sick/disabled and unemployed mum

They ALL have different challenges and benefits

STOP BASHING OTHER MUMS

God knows we get enough of that shit from others!

And yes, I'm awaiting all the

I homeschool my children full time

Even without the pandemic. I love it. I know lots of people here hate it and I certainly would if I hadn’t done it before. But because of homeschooling I decided to take up maths at a higher level to try and get a degree out of it. I learn British sign language as do my children. We have lessons. I took up a new musical instrument (don’t judge. The harp!) and I’ve redone calligraphy.

This has taken me some 5 years though 😂

I forgot to add I am a school governor and so other volunteer work too.

justanotherneighinparadise
Quite honestly, no, but I think this maybe because we see my husbands salary as supporting our whole families lifestyle choice (for him to work and me to be the SAHM). Rather than him earning everything and me earning nothing, we view his salary as supporting our choice for me not to work (sorry if I haven't made sense here, it maybe hard to explain!). The salary goes into a joint account, it's our money, not his. I do our budget, sort out savings etc. We have joint savings, plus individual savings which get paid into mostly equally (though I sometimes end up with more for tax purposes).

I had to be a sahm for 2 years due to my medical reasons + husband got 2 contracts and worked 14-16 hour days (by his choice).

What I did

• knit - a lot. But I did that before too :)
• for a year I studied. Not enrolled in uni, but uni syllabus in a subject and do related coursera courses. Just because I always wanted to and finally had the chance.
• started tutoring a bit - again, have done that before, liked it, was happy to do it again.

And watched a lot of netflix :) made sure that the house was always spotless (nobody forced me) and cooked more elaborate meals than usually. and baked a lot. My H put a stop to that after gaining 20+kg in a year though.... so be careful with this one :)

@Hobbitfeet32

Genuinely intrigued as to what household services would cost 50k!

I think outsourcing all MY household work could easily cost that at London prices Cooking, cleaning, shopping. Laundry, ironing, gardening, DIY, admin (sorting insurances, car servicing etc) childcare, taxi services, mending etc etc....

@Felty

I did several OU courses, walked the dog, did an excessive amount of unnecessary housework and fannied about on mumsnet for a couple of years. Got bored of that and went back to work.

Took me 12 weeks to get to that point by which time my brain was starting to atrophy.

I then hired a nanny and paid her over the odds to throw the vacuume cleaner round and chuck the washing in the machine and then went back to work on a major trauma unit.

@speak2me

justanotherneighinparadise Quite honestly, no, but I think this maybe because we see my husbands salary as supporting our whole families lifestyle choice (for him to work and me to be the SAHM). Rather than him earning everything and me earning nothing, we view his salary as supporting our choice for me not to work (sorry if I haven't made sense here, it maybe hard to explain!). The salary goes into a joint account, it's our money, not his. I do our budget, sort out savings etc. We have joint savings, plus individual savings which get paid into mostly equally (though I sometimes end up with more for tax purposes).

Yeah I can see how that could work.

I think for me even though I have full use of his bank cards, I don’t have free choice of what we chose to do in terms of home renovations, weekends away etc. So those bigger monetary outlays are completely under his control and that makes me feel very impotent. I went from being someone who was VERY independent to now being someone completely dependant, and that doesn’t sit comfortably with me.

Anyway I have plans to retrain and work in the near future. I just need to feel more confident that we are out of the pattern of school closures before I sign up.

@LadyDanburysCane but much of that does not need to be outsourced. As in it’s entirely possible to complete most of those tasks whilst maintaining a full time job. People who work and don’t have children still have to do laundry, eat etc and they don’t outsource it.

@Ahbahbahbah

At one point a few years ago I was very ill for a few months - had surgery and was basically on bed rest. DH couldn’t take the time off work (or rather he could have but would have lost a huge project which would have had a massive impact on his career).

During that time we had a cleaner twice a week, and a nanny, and a separate night nanny (baby still woke several times a night), and used ready meals and food deliveries. It easily cost the equivalent of £50k a year! So I agree that the services I provide as a SAHM have a financial value to the family.

I just think that once the DCs are all in school it would be reasonable for me to do something else with my new free time, and I have no idea what!

See your DH put up barriers, that was my point. My DH also had a major project just after I gave birth to DS but I had major complications and required a lot of care - he did the project and cared for me. We would never have thought to hire a cleaner, nanny or a seperate night nanny even though at our salaries we could easily afford it. He just did all of it plus his job (and worked around deadlines) until I was better. I have no illusions that he only does this because we have both worked in high paid jobs and so consider both our careers equal.