What do SAHMs with school age children do?

[Ahbahbahbah]

I’ve been SAHM for 7 years, and my youngest starts school next term (didn’t start in September due to covid).

DH is happy for to just relax/take up a hobby etc - and certainly after the last year of homeschooling I will do that for a while! Financially I don’t need to work.

But how will I actually fill my days? I feel like I have no idea what I would do or who I am without my children constantly needing me.

Can any SAHMs with school age children tell me how they fill their days? What should I be thinking about?

I was a full time working mum, out of necessity. Neither DH or I were high earners. Part time would have been my ideal, I only achieved that after retirement! DD & DDIL both work, although they could probably afford not to. Their friends, apart from one who works now, have never been SAHMs either.

The only SAHMs I met when I was taking DGC to playgroup, were on benefits. In the group were a couple of grannies, some childminders, some part time workers, a dad, and the mums for whom work wasn't a consideration even after their children started school. I live in quite a mixed area in terms of affluence, and it tends to be the grannies who are often in school reading, and who are volunteers.

This thread has fascinated me! Every SAHM on it has the choice, because they have no need to earn, whereas I've seen a very different scenario. I'm now meeting women who come to the charity where I volunteer, to get some work experience. They haven't had paid work in years 'because they have children' and are eventually left on basic single person's benefits, sometimes with a home they can no longer afford, because they no longer have dependents they can claim for. Quite a bleak situation.

Apologies OP, for not sticking to the point of the topic.

As others have said, the school day is so short (especially at the moment, my children’s day is 20 minutes shorter due to different drop off and collection times to ease congestion). I basically try to exercise every other day, cook the evening meal and have it ready, do cleaning and other housework... and that’s about it! I volunteer at school once a week and at a vaccine clinic too. It doesn’t leave loads of free time to be honest, but it massively improves our weekends together as I can get most chores done during the week, food shopping done etc.

Interestingly, in my group of mum friends we all worked when the children were toddlers and had nursery care or nannies. The majority of us stopped working when children started school- it’s a lot harder juggling work with school commitments, school holidays etc and I kind of feel that my children have needed me more at age 5+ .

I work full time and also studying online on top of that but for extra activities I do:

• gym every morning
• Volunteering
• learning a musical instrument

Cleaning and social coffees I do as well, but I need a lot more for my mental fulfilment/to stop feeling like I’m degradation. I am jealous you’re SAHM as I’d love to learn another language (would be my 3rd) if I wasn’t working!

I’d really recommend exercising most days, and learning a new (hard) skill like another language or an instrument. But dedicate yourself properly with a teacher - without a teacher I’d let us slide ...

Lucky you !

We don’t have a cleaner so OH and I do cleaning and cooking ourselves.

Yes I do know I’m lucky to be in this position! It’s a very first world problem to have :)

*to stop feeling degradation 😆

I've been a SAHM for over 8 years now, both kids in primary.

• exercise, three mornings I'll go for a run after drop off, this takes a few hours once I'm back and sorted. One morning I do a Pilates class.
• volunteer - two afternoons a week I'm in school listening to children read. Another morning I spend using a few hours to plan and do admin for another volunteering activity I do on an evening.
• one morning a week I do the food shopping and all other household shopping.
• clean and tidy house (not too much though!).

I end up with about 2 afternoons and one full day to do whatever else I want, it's not a lot though, a couple of hours or less in the afternoons. I'm very grateful for it though, and I appreciate that whenever the children have something on at school I can be there.

@speak2me

I've been a SAHM for over 8 years now, both kids in primary.

• exercise, three mornings I'll go for a run after drop off, this takes a few hours once I'm back and sorted. One morning I do a Pilates class.
• volunteer - two afternoons a week I'm in school listening to children read. Another morning I spend using a few hours to plan and do admin for another volunteering activity I do on an evening.
• one morning a week I do the food shopping and all other household shopping.
• clean and tidy house (not too much though!).

I end up with about 2 afternoons and one full day to do whatever else I want, it's not a lot though, a couple of hours or less in the afternoons. I'm very grateful for it though, and I appreciate that whenever the children have something on at school I can be there.

Don’t you feel any responsibility to bring money into the family though? Like that could be my life also but I really wrestle with deciding that I’m going to waft about as a career and let DP work to look after us all?

We’re fortunate that he’s a high warmer and yet still, I don’t feel comfortable with that.

*earner

Don’t you feel any responsibility to bring money into the family though? Like that could be my life also but I really wrestle with deciding that I’m going to waft about as a career and let DP work to look after us all?

I know that wasn’t in response to a post of mine but FWIW... it does cross my mind; but I certainly don’t draw someone’s worth from how much money they make and not earning does not affect my self esteem.

I sometimes think I could get a job but life is short and there are much more fun ways I can spend my time to get a sense of fulfilment. For my circumstances, I don’t have a high earning potential so any money I make would be eaten up by childcare costs.

DH worked abroad a fair bit pre covid and the hassle of sorting childcare if I was working while DH was abroad is just not a headache I am interested in. I have no desire to add any extra stress into our lives and with one parent at home to do school stuff etc DH is free to work night and day in his 2 businesses which he is super passionate about with no preoccupations about having to drop everything if a kid is ill or whatnot.

It works for us and I don’t concern myself with what others think of me.

I just assume everyone is doing what works for their family and I would guess people assume the same of me. If you’re not doing what works for you then that is no-one else’s problem to sort.

To add, I didn’t go to uni or ever have a career, only jobs, so it’s not like I’ve given anything up. I could start from scratch in the future rather than trying to get back to a position I was in before. My SIL and sister both have PHDs so are understandably working mothers - they have worked bloody hard for their jobs!

@PansyIvy

Interestingly, in my group of mum friends we all worked when the children were toddlers and had nursery care or nannies. The majority of us stopped working when children started school- it’s a lot harder juggling work with school commitments, school holidays etc and I kind of feel that my children have needed me more at age 5+ .

This is me. I worked all through the nursery years but now that DS is in reception I am a SAHM. It has surprised me actually how much DS needs me after school in terms of helping him with school work he struggles with, talking through all the playground issues that arise and just giving him a chance to rest after a busy day at school.

Don’t you feel any responsibility to bring money into the family though? Like that could be my life also but I really wrestle with deciding that I’m going to waft about as a career and let DP work to look after us all?

You didn’t ask me either, but also FWIW while the kids were in primary, it would have cost us in the region of £50k to buy in all the services I provided as a SAHM, so I would have needed to earn in the region of £75k(?) to make it a net gain at the time and I probably couldn’t have made more than £45k. We wouldn’t have needed to buy all of those services in - we could have had a significantly more stressed household and more money - but I added plenty of value to the household, that aspect never concerned me. The issue with being a SAHM has been more around my financial vulnerability and the longer term impact of lower earning capacity after the kids are older. The trajectory for the sort of career I had would probably have been gently sloping downward for me by this stage even if I’d worked, though, so it’s not clear that’s going to be an overall loss either.

Reading (can easily read 3/4 books whilst the kids are at school in the week), gardening, diy, house work, life admin, sometimes I help the in laws, I write a book blog and review books that haven't hit the shops yet, see friends, very easy to fill 6 hours.
Saying that my youngest has only just started FT school this year and has only been in for 4 months before lock down so I haven't had a chance to get bored yet. 😅

Don’t you feel any responsibility to bring money into the family though? Like that could be my life also but I really wrestle with deciding that I’m going to waft about as a career and let DP work to look after us all?
I did bring money in that I sold my house that I'd previously rented out, and paid off the mortgage here. Also with my husband having contracts abroad it and with both of us in agreement that we wanted to look after our own children, it was me that did. We were both happy as he loved his job and wasn't ready to give it up at the time and I loved being a SAHM. Now we're both home and can both enjoy the delights of homeschooling!

Yeah for us I could only earn a decent amount by going back to a full-on job in my previous career.

That would pay enough that we’d make a smallish profit after paying for all the extra childcare, cleaners, etc, but it’s not enough to be worthwhile for us to lead much more stressful lives.

DH has much better earning potential than I do (not just because I’ve had a career break, he’s in a much better paying field) so it makes no sense to ask him to do an equal share of childcare/taking time off when they’re sick etc.

So anything I do has to fit around his job. He earns several times more than I could make!

Make sure you’re paying into your pension and ideally making other wise financial choices. I pay my NI, make other investments, have my own savings etc.

@Ahbahbahbah

Yeah for us I could only earn a decent amount by going back to a full-on job in my previous career.

That would pay enough that we’d make a smallish profit after paying for all the extra childcare, cleaners, etc, but it’s not enough to be worthwhile for us to lead much more stressful lives.

DH has much better earning potential than I do (not just because I’ve had a career break, he’s in a much better paying field) so it makes no sense to ask him to do an equal share of childcare/taking time off when they’re sick etc.

So anything I do has to fit around his job. He earns several times more than I could make!

Same

In many ways I would like to go back to my career and have DH take on an equal share of pick ups/drop offs/domestic lifemin. I think it’s healthier and a better model for the DDs than WOHD/SAHM. And I’d be less bored. BUT it would mean DH changing career so would massively slash our household income (I’d be earning but this would be far outweighed by the drop in his earnings) and add to all our stress and tiredness.

Difficult. A first world problem though.

For everyone saying that the woman’s low salary wouldn’t be worth it due to childcare costs etc, aren’t these a shared cost? What about the pension contributions and so on that you accrue over the years? The chance to maintain a career during the preschooler years? There are so many stories on here of women being left high and dry by their high earner husbands once the kids have flown the nest. It surprises me how many people on this thread seem happy to vastly decrease their earning power and independence for the sake of a man’s career. Is that the right message to be giving to our daughters? Our sons?

Yes - definitely a nice problem to have in most ways.

DH (who is a very nice man!) even offered to change his job so that he could be more available and I could work too, but seriously we’d take such a massive drop in income it’s not worth it.

I’m just trying to find some meaning in my life beyond small kids. I saw some helpful advice upthread about thinking how I want life to be in 1 year, 5 years etc. So I’m trying to think a bit long term now about what I actually want!

Most SAHMs I know do a lot of exercise, volunteer at school and look after the home which probably takes up all their time. The main benefit of this is that you get to spend quality time with your children in the evenings and weekends instead of running round trying to do everything after work and all weekend.

I was a SAHM until my youngest went to secondary. Once both DC were in school I volunteered in the school once or twice a week. I did some bits for my church too, some typing for the priest, washing the choir robes, polishing in the sanctuary etc. As I was a SAHM I did do the vast majority of the housework so that it was all done by the time DH got home and we could relax together as a family / couple. I was certainly never bored and actually have less to do now that I’m back at work and DH does some of the housework (especially as he now WFH so no commuting time).

Yes childcare costs would be split if we both worked, but still the impact on our lifestyle as a couple would be an issue.

I think it depends on your circumstances. Only one person I know truly has remained a sahm / housewife out of free choice post pre-school.

All the others fall into that role because their dh gets used to a certain responsibility-free lifestyle and keeps putting up barriers to have it continue.

I even know several women who gave up £75k+ a year jobs because their dh convinced them full time nursery wouldn’t make their income worth it - they were all shocked when they met my dc whose family has heaps of free income (on a salary of 45k each) despite sending 2 kids full time to nursery. But that’s because dc’s dp views childcare as a shared expense and they truly share the pick ups / drop offs /cleaning / cooking so there’s no need for wrap around childcare, cleaners or expensive ready made food.

So back to the one person I know for whom it is a real choice. She used to be a GP and her DH is a Consultant who mainly works in warzones. They rarely get to spend time together but when they do that gets prioritised - so there are lots of seperate couple getaways for them to connect. Lots of seperate family getaways so they can all bond as a family. She does spend a lot of time on self care - gyms, skin care, just generally taking care of herself and her kids. She’s a member of the PTA and a school governer but only has responsibilities during term time. She doesn’t have cook / cleaner or use childcare because she truly wants to prioritise her family which I think is noble but it does mean her house never really measures up to the standards of their social circle - I know that really bugs her.