Intrusive thoughts

[Mumtotwoxo]

I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. I was doing well apart from small panic attacks from my anxiety that I’ve suffered with for years. The other day out the blue I started having intense panic attacks where I can’t sleep and intrusive thoughts that are extremely scary and real. I feel like a bad mum. Has anyone suffered this too? Reached out to my gp and now referred to a MH nurse.

@Mumtotwoxo hello again! Sorry i haven't been back on this thresd for a while, i went back to work after a very short maternity. Hoping all is okay with you x

@UnsureOfNC hello, how is being back to work? I'm feeling a tiny bit better but nothing short of horrendous still being stuck in this rut x

Hi everyone
I've been increased to 3 fluxotine a day. Has anyone been on this much before??

Hello @Mumtotwoxo sorry for not replying sooner I think my emails were playing up and I wasn't getting all the notifications for this thread! Don't feel disheartened that you don't feel better yet. It takes time. It's like the brain receives a huge flood of anxiety and it takes a while for it to slowly drain away. Keep reminding yourself that it's ok to feel anxious and it's understandable. I remember feeling helpless and angry that it wasn't just going away but honestly, those feelings just add another layer of stress that you don't need! It's basically a very long and frustrating lesson in learning to be OK with the anxiety, and continuing your life even if the anxiety and thoughts are there.

I've not taken fluoxetine so I'm no help there but I hope it helps you! Fingers crossed xxx

@Caneloalvarez hello how are you? I'm having longer good days when I've had sleep, still suffering bad days. I catch myself off guard now where I have a sudden rush of fear again when a thought comes because I've gotten used to them being in the distance. Did you have this? X

Hello everyone - how are you all? X

@Mumtotwoxo hey I'm ok thank you, how are you doing today? Yes I definitely had what you describe! What will happen is that the gaps will get longer and longer between those horrible thoughts and rushes, and when this happens it means that your adrenaline levels are lowering and your mind is starting to calm down. There will be the odd bad day where it feels like you're back to square one but I now look back at those days and its like my anxiety was just having a bad tantrum while it was on the way out! Tomorrow is another day to keep letting the anxiety be there but carrying on regardless ;)

I do still have the odd horrible thought now (it's like my brain will try and conjure up the worst thing it can think of!) And sometimes I'll be momentarily horrified but then I'll forget all about it until later on, where I'll think gosh that's ridiculous!! You'll get to this stage where your mind will think of something but it will let it go, as a non-anxious mind should. You're also learning so much about anxiety and how to manage it in the future, so keep going, even on a bad day!

Hello! I’m so so glad that I have found this post. I have spent months and months suffering with what I understand is Pure O and PND. Following an incredibly stressful pregnancy, and a previous late-term loss, my anxiety spiralled after having my baby and I started getting the most hideous intrusive thoughts.
I couldn’t actually put food in my mouth. I couldn’t bear to be alone, but I was so terrified to be with my baby too. I felt like my life literally changed in an instant and I became a monster. Even though I know all of this now, the OCD has made its way into so many aspects of my life, attacking what I love the most (fear of loss, I think).
I have received talking therapy and I take sertraline (Breastfeeding). I’m still stuck in the rut, as it took me so long to admit what the real problem was. I literally feel numb and desperately sad that this has happened to me, and that I’ve lost out on a time I’ve dreamt of for so long. Bonding is an issue for me - anyone else had this? I feel so so sad about it.

I am going to seek further psychological support (NHS support stopped when therapist left and I hadn’t had long working on the real problem - my intrusions). Can anyone recommend someone who is really experienced in OCD treatment? I’m so desperate I will do anything to regain some sense of myself and to feel joy again.

Will this really go away one day? So so sorry that others have this too - and thank you OP for talking about it.

@Caneloalvarez glad you're well! I was doing so well the last few days now it's just a major decline again in me arguing with my horrific thoughts. It's like I was used to not having them and when they appeared last night I began challenging them again instead of ignoring them x

@RainbowMamaThree I'm so sorry you are suffering this too. How long have you been dealing with it? How old is your little one? I stopped bonding with my kids for 2 weeks whilst my mum had them but I gained that back, I sometimes still have days where they challenge me and I have resentful thoughts.

Do you suffer panic attacks or feelings of anxiety along with the thoughts?
There is a book that literally saved me - overcoming intrusive thoughts by Sally Winston. I still carry it with me everywhere and when I have a bad day I re read some parts to feel more human again.
I'm on 40mg fluxotine and propranolol 3 times a day.
Do you have support around you?
I hope it goes away for both of us one day love xx

@Mumtotwoxo I have been suffering for around 9 months now. I am able to function far better now, and have experienced some good times. But it keeps returning, the thoughts still have their ‘hooks’ in my head and have left me feeling (I think) depressed. I hve what would seem to most (and what IS) the perfect life. But I can’t feel any of it because of the thoughts - do you know what I mean?
Yep I have anxiety with the thoughts. When it’s bad I get a fuzzy head, almost like I’m slightly drunk but can still think straight if that makes sense.
I’m very aware of what Pure O is and understand that I’m just unwell, but it’s just so hard to shake. It makes me question absolutely everything. I have amazing support around me, and I manage to be the mummy I always imagined I’d be, but it takes so so much effort and inside I don’t feel how I thought I would. I don’t think my little one know, and she is absolutely adored and showered in love by me, but I still feel that lurch of panic, and the ‘what if’ all the time.
I will order that book, sounds really good. I’ve ready Mad Girl too by Bryony Gordon which is good also as if normalises the illness.
Really looking for any recommendations for excellent therapists or psychologists?
I hope it goes away for us both too xx

@RainbowMamaThree how long did you suffer before reaching out for help? I know exactly how you feel. It's almost a feeling of guilt on how dare you feel that way when you have everything and more. It's just another feeling of anxiety playing on the mind.
Where are you from? I'm in Dunoon, scotland but I see an nhs cbt therapist once a week x

I sought help straight away as felt like I’d literally been hit by a bus, but because I was ashamed of my thoughts I didn’t disclose that I was having them, just that I thought I had PND. So it took a long to time to get the right help, and then therapist left.
I’m in the midlands. I will be seeing an NHS therapist again for CBT but I just want to make sure I’m seeing the right person, and if I need to pay then I’ll do that.
Have ordered the book 👍🏼
Yes that’s exactly it. Absolutely everything becomes part of the anxiety, and becomes a what if. I think lots of people would look on and question what I could possibly have to worry about x

@RainbowMamaThree are you still having these thoughts and are they the same reoccurring ones? Why did your therapist leave?
I have no experience with a private therapist so can't give you any advice!
Are you diagnosed with pure O ocd? X

Erm, yes diagnosed to an extent, but I think it’s PND as well. Definitely OCD thinking patterns though.
On and off really, I now know it’s all irrational, but I need help overcoming it still. Oh they just moved away, so I’m just waiting for a new person.
How are you feeling with it now? Are you feeling a bit better?

I've not been diagnosed with anything so far. I'm finding the majority of my days are getting easier to manage but I still have sudden thoughts like spikes during the day and the fear that follows the thoughts and then I think to myself 'am I going back to the start, is this getting worse again' but I eventually calm down either by distracting myself with the kids or reading my books. Books have helped me channel the thoughts and see them a different way, I haven't got over my panic attacks yet.

On a brighter note, what types of things to you get upto day to day to help yourself function? What makes it that bit easier for you? X

That’s really good that you are finding ways to overcome those bad moments. I find getting out of the house really helps, having a walk, meeting a friend, doing activities with my little one like sensory classes etc.
It also really helps me to learn about anxiety/OCD - I had no idea what it really was before this!

@RainbowMamaThree are you still finding it manageable meeting with friends? That's something I still haven't been able to do. I shut myself away from them and social media. Did you lose any time or bond with your baby due to this?
Another book that is good in relation to anxiety is panicking about panic by Joshua Fletcher.
Are your thoughts the same ones that replay over and over again or do they change? X

Yes, I’ve found it a really good distraction to meet friends, and go to baby classes when we can. It’s just a break from being alone and trapped in my head. I think we all have such different ways of coping, and also different worries centred around similar themes. So we have different coping mechanisms too. I too find social media hard at times.
Erm, the same thoughts and worries, but heightened anxiety about absolutely everything, and numbness too. What about you? Is it the same thoughts over and over? Have your thoughts changed over time?
I’m trying to be kind to myself when I can, and to think about all the things I’ve achieved (even small things!) whilst dealing with this at the same time. That does help!
And constantly reminding myself that people DO recover from this, which other posters on this thread have said again and again. Which is reassuring! X

@RainbowMamaThree we currently don't have any baby classes available but I'm hoping now we are coming out of lockdown that they will start again!
My thoughts are reoccurring but sometimes change their theme but the same idea if that makes sense. It's hard to take when one fades away and another strong one appears.
I stay close to my kids to keep me from spiralling because I know they need me.
I'm trying to be kind to myself too but sometimes the mind wanders doesn't it! X

Hello @RainbowMamaThree and @Mumtotwoxo I hope you're both feeling ok! First of all, well done, it sounds like you're both taking the right steps to manage this horrible thing! Just from what you've both mentioned about other thoughts attaching to the original ones.. this is definitely how it works. In fact, it's a big clue that it actually is an OCD glitch in the brain, rather than your true thoughts. It just continues to spread and reinvent itself. Even those thoughts of "I'll never get better" are part of it, it's just another fear-loaded statement to set you off again. I promise you'll look back and see it for what it truly is one day! It will calm down and your mind will relax again.

When you're in the thick of it it's just relentless and you feel like you're going to be stuck this way. When it happened to me, I found many posts online from people suffering but not many where people returned and provided updates of when they got better (I think people just want to forget all about it when they've come through it). So that's why I make sure I reply to these threads, to show that it can and will get better... Keep going, you've got this!

Advice please !!
I’ve been in recovery now for a few weeks and been feeling good.
I’ve came down with a cold and cough so feeling run down.
My intrusive thoughts have came back and feeling very intense.. Has anyone else had this???

Hi op, I have pmd you. I hope you don’t mind x

@Mumtotwoxo not sure if you seen my previous comment because I didn’t tag you. How are you getting on? Did you manage to recover from this? X