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Original poster

Intrusive thoughts

560 replies

Mumtotwoxo · 03/03/2021 12:43

I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. I was doing well apart from small panic attacks from my anxiety that I’ve suffered with for years. The other day out the blue I started having intense panic attacks where I can’t sleep and intrusive thoughts that are extremely scary and real. I feel like a bad mum. Has anyone suffered this too? Reached out to my gp and now referred to a MH nurse.

OP posts:
Caneloalvarez · 05/04/2021 10:32

Morning @Mumtotwoxo I hope you're ok despite these pesky thoughts! Just wanted to say that all the questions you have are part of this whole anxiety package. If you'd seen my search history when I was going through this, it was absolutely full of these questions:
Did anyone else feel this way?
Did anyone have the same thoughts as me and act on them?
Did anyone have these thoughts and anxiety and get over it? (I too never believed I'd come out of it!)
I'm absolutely not suggesting that you don't ask questions. To a certain extent I think we have to get them all out our system when we are going through this! But, try and start viewing them as part of the anxiety too, this will help you. Sometimes an answer will reassure you for a minute or two but I found that the questions always came back with more force and sent me into more of a panic/Google spiral! Just remind yourself when a question pops up, it doesn't matter whether you find an answer. I hope this makes sense and of course I'm always going to come back and answer any questions you have! :) As I know how hard it is.

I definitely felt like I was going around in circles and back down the path of anxiety and horrible thoughts and worries. Just imagine a hamster on a wheel whizzing around. All the questions and worries just keep the wheel going and going. Every time you dismiss a worry, or let go of a question, it helps the wheel to slow down. Sometimes you manage it but then it all speeds up again. But eventually, you will get the hang of it and it will all slow down and you'll feel in control again.

To me, it honestly felt like learning a whole new way of thinking, and completely changing old anxious thoughts and habits that I had for years which had definitely contributed to the horrendous period of intrusive thoughts I had.

Sorry this was long, if you got to the end well done!! LOL

Caneloalvarez · 05/04/2021 10:42

@Mumtotwoxo I just want to add something else that helped me too. Initially I felt absolutely terrified of all my symptoms - the thoughts, the exhaustion, the headaches etc etc. The fact that I felt so terrible was sending me into panic after panic, obviously making me feel even worse! And I felt guilty and stupid for not being able to just "get over it". However when I started to treat myself more kindly it really helped. I changed my viewpoint and realised that it actually totally made sense that I felt terrible. I'd had anxiety on and off for years and this was just the resulting build up of stress. I'm guessing you've been fighting anxiety for a long time. Remind yourself that it's actually ok to feel this way. Of course you're exhausted, there's only so much anxiety one brain can take! Just taking this kinder, more relaxed attitude (rather than panicking and wanting it all to stop) helps a lot.

Can I ask, what kind of anxiety / panic things have you dealt with before the intrusive thoughts?

eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 10:43

It was hard, because no amount of reassurance that I was not going to act on the thoughts worked!
I was convinced that I wasn't a good person at all.
I read a book that really helped me. I'll google it and post the title in a minute. And it took time. Time really is a cure.
Oh, and I'm in Edinburgh Smile

How do you find living in Dunoon? I have a close relative who has lived there a short time, but wants to move back to Glasgow to be nearer family.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General health
eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 10:45

The Imp of the Mind, by Lee Baer.

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 05/04/2021 10:55

@eatsleepread did certain tasks trigger you and you felt like it was almost impossible to fulfill the task? I.e tidying a certain room or something?

It's too quiet I'm hoping to move back over Glasgow side once I'm better, my partner is currently over that way! X

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eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 11:01

Nope, as I'm a perfectionist. I was in hell, but those around me wouldn't really have known. I am a skilled masker of things!

I think the feelings you describe, of being overwhelmed, are more common though.

eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 11:03

Also, because I was feeling so shit about myself and so scared, I overcompensated with everything else x

eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 11:04

I clearly remember feeling more anxious at night than through the day, so I suppose you could say nighttime was a trigger.

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 05/04/2021 13:40

@eatsleepread I feel myself getting worked up when I'm anxious and that's when I have the strongest thoughts. Did you experience that? X

OP posts:
eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 14:27

I hope my replies to your questions have helped OP, but I probably don't have much more to add. And it was such a long time ago.
I'll end by saying that you are not going mad, and that you are not going to lose control or act on your thoughts. I'd bet my life on it. The thoughts are driven by anxiety. Once the anxiety goes, the thoughts will gradually diminish. They may not disappear 100% - I still get the odd one! - but that's the OCD. You do get much more adept at dealing with them though, and they lose their power over time. If I have an intrusive thought these days, it doesn't 'hook in' like it used to, and cause utter panic! It has become very fleeting, and I no longer dwell on it. They no longer stay with me.
This will happen with you too, I promise.
All the best to you x

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 05/04/2021 16:37

@eatsleepread you've been a great help. Thank you x

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Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 05/04/2021 16:39

@Caneloalvarez I have just seen this message.
After having my daughter 5 years ago (my dad suddenly passed away 2 months before she was born) I started to suffer anxiety and panic attacks. I went on fluxotine and it took the panic away but I was still slightly anxious. I felt fine for the 5 years and throughout my full second pregnancy. It was only when my baby was 10 weeks that this started again with the intrusive thoughts along with it x

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Frownette · 05/04/2021 16:43

The most important thing to remember is that you're not 'defective' for having these thoughts, many people do. I'm glad you have reached out and got help.

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 05/04/2021 17:16

@Frownette did you experience this too? X

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Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 05/04/2021 19:23

ANNOUNCEMENT -
I'm glad to let you all know that I have been boosted up the list on the nhs for cbt therapy and my first appointment is Wednesday!!
Has anyone had success with this themselves? 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Caneloalvarez · 06/04/2021 09:43

@Mumtotwoxo that's great news! I also had CBT on NHS when going through this. It definitely made me feel more hopeful and it felt like I was doing something about it all! It was a while ago now but I think at first we discussed the thoughts and she gave me a few exercises such as writing down the thoughts over and over, this is to help just to see them as words with no meaning. I also had books to read and other exercises to do during the week.

I hope it goes well, you're taking a very positive step by starting CBT!

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 06/04/2021 12:28

@Caneloalvarez I just don't feel or see any progress in the last week or so with my mind, anxiety and panic. I'm sick of fighting to get better x

OP posts:
Caneloalvarez · 06/04/2021 13:34

@Mumtotwoxo I know it's horrible and exhausting, but you will get there. There are so many of us that have come through this. In fact the only good thing I can say about it is that it always tends to be an "episode" of awful thoughts and anxiety - it eventually does go away!

And remember - try to be ok with feeling this way. You mention fighting to get better but the key is not to fight at all. It's a hard concept to grasp but it's about looking at your anxiety in a whole new light. I'm sure CBT will help with this. If you're having a bad day, re-read all the amazing advice that has been added to this thread. I know your mind is racing so keep re-reading the advice until it sinks in. You're going to get there 💐

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 06/04/2021 15:48

@Caneloalvarez I've been re reading my books trying hard for it all to sink in for good. Sick of feeling ok one minute then straight back to the beginning the next 😭😭 x

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Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 09/04/2021 11:06

Anyone still on this thread ??

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Caneloalvarez · 09/04/2021 21:15

Hi @Mumtotwoxo I'm still around :) how has your day been? How did your first CBT session go?

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 09/04/2021 22:32

@Caneloalvarez hello! My day has been ok. Haven't slept much so have abit of a sticky mind today - little one had his jags so been up all night!
My first session went ok, I was very nervous and had panic with thoughts throughout but it felt good to get everything out in the open. That was the introduction session so my next app is next Wednesday!
How have you been? X

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Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 10/04/2021 18:26

Is it normal to cry and feel down after a stressful day or is this another sign of a set back?? Please someone reply to me x

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Caneloalvarez · 10/04/2021 19:16

@Mumtotwoxo well done for getting through your first session! It's very nerve wracking and I know those thoughts will be running in the background of everything you say and do, but that's normal, you're still in the thick of it. It will get better, don't lose hope.

And YES it is so normal to be very tearful and cry. When I was going through this I felt like I cried a few times a week, from pure frustration that I felt like wasn't getting better. Remind yourself that you're extremely anxious and therefore feeling this way is normal - try not to worry about feeling sad, it's just another layer of anxiety you don't need. You're also very tired from looking after a baby so be kind to yourself. It might feel like a setback but tomorrow is another day, another chance to practise letting the anxiety go.

I remember feeling like there were "bad" days and that i'd "failed" if I cried or didn't complete a task I wanted to get done and I'd just sat googling and worrying all day. This is called black and white thinking and it's very common in anxiety, I bet you've done this all your life.. try not to beat yourself up about having a bad day and look at it as just another day. Us anxious people tend to stress ourselves out by measuring our success and monitoring it. But remind yourself, you're doing all you can, you've started CBT and that's actually great!! You're only human and you're allowed to have a down moment, it doesn't mean you're not going to get better 💐

Original poster
Mumtotwoxo · 11/04/2021 11:08

@Caneloalvarez I feel myself slowly making little progress then I have a setback. Do they eventually go away?
Thank you for still supporting me. How are you? X

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