AIBU Mother in Law gave baby phone

[Rooandrose]

Hey everyone,
Background - Our 11 month old baby visits my mother and father in law at their house twice a week so that my husband and I can have time off from childcare to work.
since he’s been born I’ve told all the family that a goal of mine is to keep him away from screens for as long as possible, so I never watch YouTube or any apps with him. We use the phone to listen to music on Spotify. But It’s 2021 , and I know he will eventually be using screens, but as he’s still a baby this is a really important for me to maintain this time before he starts to get interested in screens.
I also think it’s a slippery slope once you do introduce phones and tablets, they are designed to get babies hooked.

Today I casually asked how he was doing during his visit to their house and my mother in law replied saying me he was having his lunch and ‘watching his Shows’
I asked what she meant by shows, and she explained he watches a few cartoons. I explained that I was really surprised because we had told them I didn’t want him to watch screens, to which she said it was ‘only 20 mins of cartoons each visit.’
I feel really hurt and actually quite angry about this. I feel as the parents we should be the ones to introduce screens , or at least asked first if we are ok with them showing him screens.
My husband acts like everything is no big deal so has tried to stay out of it, which is also quite annoying.
I know times are different now, it’s the digital age, but I’m trying to keep my son protected from screens for as long as possible.
Also for context - after I asked my mother in law not to use her phone during my wedding .a she FaceTimed her sisters, during mine and my husbands wedding ceremony... so she has been known to ignore requests this before. AIBU ?

You've got free childcare so if you want to set out really strict rules then pay for nursery... They're doing you a huge favour and they don't have to... It's the modern world there are screens everywhere

You said the screen thing was your only rule but now it emerges it's no sugar either

You have 3 choices OP

1. Continue to dictate every second of their time with him
2. Accept thyself help and let them bend your rules a bit
3. End the arrangement and pay for care again.

it feels odd to me that he is a baby and can’t talk or walk but would sit in front of a phone to watch some animations

The reality is that it's no different from watching a mobile, or indeed flowers and trees waving in the wind. His attention is caught by something brightly coloured and moving, plus he's old enough to be beginning to develop communication so he probably is picking up some speech and enjoying the music.

Your MiL could be helping you with your "low screen time Strategy" as she is showing your baby that screen time is something that you have outside the home and is reinforcing it as something special and not for every day.

A short amount of screen time is both the price you pay for the childcare and also not likely to damage your baby. That said, I'm surprised that there has not been much mention of what programmes he is watching. "Cartoons" can mean a lot, I would not be happy with my baby watching Tom and Jerry (too fast moving for young eyes). Imo it should be just programmes on things like CBeebies specially for younger children which have slower moving pictures for a baby. In other words more what and less if.

Tbh even if you paid for it , its not going to be avoided as a childminder we do a class once a week ...He really benefits from the interaction of someone other than me.

We have done baby yoga off you tube..

it isn't a slippery slope unless you let it be.

I think you have all made good points. Tbh it’s not my place to say something to them. I’m also really grateful for the help.
I was hurt that they ‘went behind my back’ over this, because I think it makes me feel like they’d just not tell me about other things too which is why I felt hurt.
Thanks everyone for the comments!
Signing off now. Take care X

If you get free childcare from grandparents you have to accept that they are going to let your child watch cartoons/eat ice cream/nap too long if they want to. If you're not prepared to "allow" that, you have to pay a nursery/childminder/nanny who will follow your instructions.

Simple as that. Expecting grandparents to do your bidding on the childcare front is a hiding to nothing. Be grateful for the free childcare.

OP if you think "not following every imposed rule to the letter" (I strongly suspect you have more than 2 rules as you say) is the same as "going behind your back" then you need to end the arrangement immediately as you are being very controlling and sweating the small stuff big time and it will only lead you on the path of a relationship breakdown.

You cannot get annoyed about this.

YABVVVVU

I strongly suggest you bookmark this thread and come back to it in a year or two. You are going to be SO embarrassed!

Also, just leaving this here...... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2794674-AIBU-to-ask-you-all-for-your-most-PFB-moments

My children are in their 20s now op but we never had any of these problems because both sets of grandparents were at least two hours drive away, therefore, no occasional help either when a child was unwell (or me). So I think there are blessings to be counted.

I recall letting ds watch tellytubbies for about 20 minutes (we didn't have a video) each morning while I had a sit down or read a bit of the paper. DD probably watched twice as much and suffered far more from benign neglect. Both probably spent far too much time on runescape and animal crossing/simply respectively as teenagers. One did their first degree at Oxford, the other Cambridge.

What are you worried about exactly op? A bit of screen time/IT in the 21st century is normal surely? I do agree with you about the face time in church - that was vulgar.

It’s a pandemic with nowhere indoors to take the child so 20min per visit seems very reasonable to me.

If not, maybe use a nursery.

Lol I was a lazy parent and sat my kids in front of the telly loads so i could get on with housework...this was 20 odd years ago and no one limited screen time back then...these square eyed kids now have masters degrees and professional careers...chill out Op....you will have plenty to worry about when they turn into teenagers snd start experimenting with sex and drugs.

This is the epitome of pfb.

I have to say some of the replies surprise me (and that is from the mother of two children who spend far far too much time on their devices).

There is a huge set of research that does indeed say that children under the age of 2 shouldnt have screen time. Now every PARENT has the absolute right to decide that what works for their family is time spent watching something.

Mine both watched cbeebies (sadly on TV as it turns out mine were too old to really be able to watch them on their phones) on tv before they were 2 but that was my choice. I respected those who decided not to.

Here the OP has a clear problem with her reasonable wishes not been respected by those giving childcare having been persuaded by them not to use the paid childcare (who would have followed them) instead

www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/Media/Pages/Why-to-Avoid-TV-Before-Age-2.aspx

www.healthline.com/health/baby/baby-watching-tv#why-its-a-problem

www.bbc.com/news/health-48021224

The OP is right - and the fact that the majority of us (myself definitely included) have to go against this is one thing the fact we are telling her that it is ok for her MIL to overrule her wishes (both on this and childcare in the first place) simply isnt

@Rooandrose

Because I asked them not to use screens and they did it anyway. I’m intrigued by people’s perspectives here because I’m trying to gauge if anyone else worries about screens and babies as much as me! All research I’ve seen says it’s best to avoid for babies under 2.

No, I don't.

I've had three. Eldest is 18. Obviously no smartphones iPads were invented until he was a bit older but he always watched TV. I would find it very hard to think what would be different if he'd never watched it.

Younger one was a whizz on the iPad by 2.

Baby is 6 months and always trying to grab 7 year olds screens,

What worries you so much? Screens and technology aren't the devil.

I think I'd be more annoyed at tv while eating. I get the bigger picture and it is about her ignoring your choices for your own child. I suppose you can say at least she didn't lie.

@FuzzyTurquoise

This is clearly your PFB and you will be mortified when you look back on this.

I think you should pay for a nursery to look after your child. You have a lot more control over what happens there. I expect you’ll also be a lot more grateful for free childcare.

Thing is a lot of nurseries have screen time too!

You can't control what MIL does when she's watching your son for you OP. You're not doing her a favour, she's doing you a massive favour. Also what is a hyper baby

@Rooandrose

People keep on reminding me that I’m getting free childcare, as if the grandparents don’t want to look after him. We have not asked them to take him at all, they’ve asked us if they can be involved and take care of him. They are both 50 years old and not Working full time. They want to be very involved, and at times it’s overwhelming I’m the mother and sometimes what I ask gets ignored. This screen time thing is just one example Please don’t make assumptions !

They're grandparents though. You don't get to make all the decisions. The baby doesn't belong to you. His dad, his grandparents will all have input about how he is raised - as they are helping to raise him. And the sooner you accept that your son is part of a family and not just an extension of you, the easier it will be.

Hhhhhmmmm, people don't agree with you so delete thread 🤷🏻‍♀️. Did you only want to hear from people who agreed with your POV?

But I also want boundaries in place with MIL and FIL over parenting decisions now, eg discipline and other ‘rules’

Honestly you can't control what they do in their own home.

You honestly have no idea how lucky you are that they are looking after him. The alternative it seems is FT child care at nursery and with a nanny. It's amazing he is getting time with family instead. My PIL had my two a day a week when I was working and the only thing I asked was that they keep nap times. But I don't think they did & there was nothing I could do about it. They were doing us a big favour.

Can you drop your hours at work? It might just be better to be with DS so you can make sure he's not watching any TV.

You really need to keep PIL on board and if you keep imposing rules they will likely just tell you where to go.

OP, for all it’s worth, I totally agree with you. I have the same rule for DD (15 months)- no screens. We do FaceTime with family, but she plays on her mat and we set up the ipad so they can see her. Of course we’ll let her watch cartoons in due course, but not at this age. And yes, I do also have a no sugar rule.

It's quite scary how many parents rely on screens to entertain their very young children. The amount of little toddlers you see with a screen in their hands and their parents going "oh little Sammy knows how to use the phone better than us!" - that's not something to brag about! I think it's admirable that you're trying to keep your child away from screens for as long as possible.