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Original poster

AIBU Mother in Law gave baby phone

275 replies

Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 22:00

Hey everyone,
Background - Our 11 month old baby visits my mother and father in law at their house twice a week so that my husband and I can have time off from childcare to work.
since he’s been born I’ve told all the family that a goal of mine is to keep him away from screens for as long as possible, so I never watch YouTube or any apps with him. We use the phone to listen to music on Spotify. But It’s 2021 , and I know he will eventually be using screens, but as he’s still a baby this is a really important for me to maintain this time before he starts to get interested in screens.
I also think it’s a slippery slope once you do introduce phones and tablets, they are designed to get babies hooked.

Today I casually asked how he was doing during his visit to their house and my mother in law replied saying me he was having his lunch and ‘watching his Shows’
I asked what she meant by shows, and she explained he watches a few cartoons. I explained that I was really surprised because we had told them I didn’t want him to watch screens, to which she said it was ‘only 20 mins of cartoons each visit.’
I feel really hurt and actually quite angry about this. I feel as the parents we should be the ones to introduce screens , or at least asked first if we are ok with them showing him screens.
My husband acts like everything is no big deal so has tried to stay out of it, which is also quite annoying.
I know times are different now, it’s the digital age, but I’m trying to keep my son protected from screens for as long as possible.
Also for context - after I asked my mother in law not to use her phone during my wedding .a she FaceTimed her sisters, during mine and my husbands wedding ceremony... so she has been known to ignore requests this before. AIBU ?

OP posts:
MrBullinaChinaShop · 26/02/2021 08:04

@throwaway201809

It's quite scary how many parents rely on screens to entertain their very young children. The amount of little toddlers you see with a screen in their hands and their parents going "oh little Sammy knows how to use the phone better than us!" - that's not something to brag about! I think it's admirable that you're trying to keep your child away from screens for as long as possible.
Yes, truly despicable isn’t it. What a bad mother I am for putting my toddler in front of Peppa pig for an hour while I work full time from home and homeschool two young primary aged children while his nursery is closed. He’s ruined for life.
ChaBishkoot · 26/02/2021 08:05

We are almost screen free (my kids are 9 and 4). They are perfectly capable of using a computer (the 9 year old is) and we watch sport and the odd movie but in our household we can go many days without the TV being on. That’s not something that I am saying to sound smug or superior. It’s just how we live. Neither DH nor I watch a great deal of TV. I actually find ambient noise really painful so I never put it on during the day. And we have coped including multiple long haul flights. Now when they do watch sometimes they are also reasonably good at self regulation and switching things off.
I will say that while developmentally I can see the under 2 recommendation making sense I think practically it’s when they are 4/5 that screens can become more addictive. There are a lot of MN threads about kids who refuse to read or can’t entertain themselves and the screen is the fall back.
I am not great at playing with my kids and I knew that if I could use the TV it would be my default so not using screens was also a way for me not to go down a slippery slope.

So not offering an 11 month any screens is not that outrageous an idea.

  • it is weird to ask you to sack your nanny
  • it is hard if the childcare is free for you to impose your own rules
  • 20 mins twice a week won’t hurt anyone
  • it sounds like you have bigger problems around boundaries and their involvement. I would focus on that rather than this 20 min twice a week thing.
Quartz2208 · 26/02/2021 08:09

It’s not about being a bad mother though for putting children in front of tv as a necessity in these times though. Of course most of us do it that doesn’t mean the OP is wrong to have the view that she does
Parenting is different for everyone, each of us has our own rules and boundaries and that is fine. She is perfectly entitled to them and there is research that backs her up

Also it is striking the balance between it being fun grandparents house where there are less rules (because that is normal) and it being confusing that there are less rules

And this is where grandparent childcare can if not handled correctly muddy the waters. There is a difference IMO between fun trips to see grandparents where the rules are different and a twice weekly routine of childcare

OP I don’t think you are wrong actually to be questioning this I think you do need to look at the situation and decide from there

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
lottiegarbanzo · 26/02/2021 08:14

Well it's not only 20 minutes, is it. That was her defensive response after you'd pulled her up on it.

Brefugee · 26/02/2021 08:15

tbh you're being a bit PFB but it's ok, it happens to the best of us. Eventually you find a way to get on with having a child in your life and everything is fine.

However, you got rid of your nanny so they could babysit? Be honest with yourself, part of the attraction for that was saving money? (it's ok to save money where you can). And you can also be glad that your MIL is using 40 minutes of screen time per week and didn't hide it from you. That could be because she's eye-rolling at your request, or because she wants 20 minutes peace to have a cup of tea and a sandwich, because she thinks your being too PFB etc ad infinitum. A combination of any or all of these and doubtless others too.

She was upfront, be happy about that, don't underestimate the value of that.

You and your DSs father can choose: get a nanny, try to get other childcare cover for those days or whatever. And your DH gets to decide too.

I know it probably feels big to you, but really it isn't. (also the wedding thing - she was sharing her son's wedding with his aunts. What did your DH think about that? maybe he thought it was lovely that his wider family got to see his wedding? or was that day only about your wishes? Again, just take a step back and think about it.)

You'll all be fine as long as you're all honest with each other about what's important.

saraclara · 26/02/2021 08:18

I think it makes me feel like they’d just not tell me about other things too which is why I felt hurt.

But she DID tell you! That's how you found out! She didn't lie or hide it.

But of course if you did make a big fuss, she will hide things from you in future.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/02/2021 08:20

I find it amazing that pp are choosing to believe the '20 minutes' line, from someone who has already lied to OP, when she agreed to her T&Cs and who is responding defensively, so likely to be minimising. It shows a willful lack of reading comprehension.

saraclara · 26/02/2021 08:20

@lottiegarbanzo

Well it's not only 20 minutes, is it. That was her defensive response after you'd pulled her up on it.
Do you always assume that someone is lying? Or just when it's a mother in law?
whenwillthemadnessend · 26/02/2021 08:24

World of difference shoving a screen in baby's hand for all occasions than a 20 min treat at nanny's. Yrbu

MsSquiz · 26/02/2021 08:25

In my experience, I've found that children who have tv time severely restricted are the ones who become really focussed on tv when it's on.
My friend's DD is 3 and has had tv restricted to 10 mins a day. She will walk into my living room (pre lockdown) and pick up the remote to give to me or will sit and watch tv, not acknowledging anything else around her.
In comparison, my DD is 14 months and we have the tv on in the background for most of the day (CBeebies or baby tv) and she will happily play with her toys, occasionally looking up at a noise on the tv or if a favourite show is on.

I do think tv time is different to being left unattended with an iPad or whatever though.

CaffineismyBFF · 26/02/2021 08:26

Yes I do think you're being OTT. I watched TV as a kid and me and my sibling are all functioning adults who contribute to society. My kids too. Your child will be fine with 20 mins twice a week. Chill.

whenwillthemadnessend · 26/02/2021 08:27

I'm afraid when you hand childcare over to grandparents either parental or maternal you have to accept a few things won't be done exactly your way.

If you try to micro manage the relationship could face going rapidly downhill which is a shame for all.

It's your choice I do sense a back story here.

nitsandwormsdodger · 26/02/2021 08:30

So you never have the tv on when baby is around ?

Calmly ask for no screens but you are being v precious

TheTeenageYears · 26/02/2021 08:31

I would have an issue with this @Rooandrose Doing something you specifically asked them not to do is wrong. I would have a huge problem with the fact it was watching whilst eating which is such a bad president to set. They could sit and the table with him whilst he's eating so he can process colours/taste/texture and self regulate when he's full rather than mindlessly putting food in (or not) whilst being hugely distracted by "his shows".

Greenmarmalade · 26/02/2021 08:33

YANBU AT ALL. It’s a trust issue- your wishes should be respected and they shouldn’t go behind your back like that.

turnthebiglightoff · 26/02/2021 08:39

This made me lol. My kids been watching cartoons since 7.30 this morning. I have to work so that's just the way it goes (nursery closed due to case of covid). 20 mins of cartoons is absolutely nothing. Also - free childcare much?!

MildredPuppy · 26/02/2021 08:39

I think people looking after your child should respect your wishes if its really important to you.

But i also think that family childcare comes at a cost. This is the cost. 20mins screen time a session.

I actually was pretty anal about screen time too op. And am so relieved smart phones only just becoming a thing when mine were small. I have a thing about pisture and the effect of the blue light on the eyes.

saraclara · 26/02/2021 08:47

I love the way it's always 'my house my rules', on MN, unless it's the GP's house.

Iwishihadariver · 26/02/2021 08:51

I've four much older kids and six nephews and nieces. All of them were 'trained' according to the best advice of the time (well, attempted anyway) and all of them have ignored what's good for them and done their own thing. They're all doing great. Just relax a little about the things you're told you should be doing, and enjoy them as little people before they're permanently in front of a screen. (It will happen).

cupofdecaf · 26/02/2021 08:53

Have you checked there's no screens at nursery?

My DC had an actual phone by 2 (no SIM card just on the WiFi) for games and YouTube. He can use a touch screen fantastically and when he goes to school he won't be held back by being unfamiliar with technology or being unable to use a touch screen.
Screen time is strictly limited and if his behaviour goes down hill it's removed.
DC sees people using phones everywhere, us, at nursery and if we could go anywhere then probably out and about.

Do you really never watch tv with the baby there? How did you get through long feeds and getting nap trapped?

CovidHalloween · 26/02/2021 08:53

Lighten up OP. 20-30 min of watching baby rhymes on YouTube or one of the baby programs on CBeebies is beneficial. My kids and I loved singing along and dancing together to little baby bums on YouTube.

Wondermule · 26/02/2021 08:56

my DD is 14 months and we have the tv on in the background for most of the day (CBeebies or baby tv) and she will happily play with her toys, occasionally looking up at a noise on the tv or if a favourite show is on.

This is my experience too. My toddler will watch CBeebies for about ten or fifteen minutes before getting bored and wandering off to find something to play with.

ancientgran · 26/02/2021 08:57

@Rooandrose

Thank you to the people who shared that I won’t care about this in a year or two and I’m being a bit ‘PFB’! I take it on board... But I also want boundaries in place with MIL and FIL over parenting decisions now, eg discipline and other ‘rules’

I’ve asked them not to give him sugar and I know my MIL has given him biscuits before

To me it’s just really strange that once you become a parent you can’t get honesty from your PIL when it comes to the care of the children... i guess it makes me worried for the future if they go behind my back again, but I could also take on the view that it’s the role of the grandparents to be a bit more lax and give a few more treats etc ...
it’s a learning curve!

It is a shame they weren't honest. My kids know that as far as me having GC the rule is granny's house granny's rules. The GC understand that what happens at granny's is completely separate to what happens at home. I'm really sorry but I'm not going to completely change my life in order to have time with GC/support their parents. Obviously I do change things when they are here, I spent yesterday morning doing maths and English workbooks with a 6 year old, funnily enough I don't do workbooks when I'm on my own so I make appropriate adjustments but I like watching the news, I have the TV on for breakfast and lunchtime news. If my kids tried to tell me that I couldn't look at my laptop or watch the news because I was doing childcare I would not be impressed but I would be honest about it.

I think the only way to control what your baby does 100% is to care for them 100% of the time. I think going back to work and losing that level of control is hard but it is what it is.

Lots of nurseries seem to let children watch a film or cartoons as a treat, have you checked if your nursery does that.

justgivejack · 26/02/2021 08:59

YABVVVU. Is this actually a joke..Hmm

nancywhitehead · 26/02/2021 09:08

I think you're overreacting a bit. What damage do you think it will actually do if your baby looks at a screen for 20 minutes?

Yes, screen time can be damaging if children have too much of it and are constantly glued to them. That is because it takes them away from other things that are important for their development. But there is no evidence that screens do any harm in and of themselves.

It is the lack of input outside of screens that does harm, not the screens themselves. As long as your child is being well provided for, interacted and played with outside of the cartoons, they will do no harm.