AIBU Mother in Law gave baby phone

[Rooandrose]

Hey everyone,
Background - Our 11 month old baby visits my mother and father in law at their house twice a week so that my husband and I can have time off from childcare to work.
since he’s been born I’ve told all the family that a goal of mine is to keep him away from screens for as long as possible, so I never watch YouTube or any apps with him. We use the phone to listen to music on Spotify. But It’s 2021 , and I know he will eventually be using screens, but as he’s still a baby this is a really important for me to maintain this time before he starts to get interested in screens.
I also think it’s a slippery slope once you do introduce phones and tablets, they are designed to get babies hooked.

Today I casually asked how he was doing during his visit to their house and my mother in law replied saying me he was having his lunch and ‘watching his Shows’
I asked what she meant by shows, and she explained he watches a few cartoons. I explained that I was really surprised because we had told them I didn’t want him to watch screens, to which she said it was ‘only 20 mins of cartoons each visit.’
I feel really hurt and actually quite angry about this. I feel as the parents we should be the ones to introduce screens , or at least asked first if we are ok with them showing him screens.
My husband acts like everything is no big deal so has tried to stay out of it, which is also quite annoying.
I know times are different now, it’s the digital age, but I’m trying to keep my son protected from screens for as long as possible.
Also for context - after I asked my mother in law not to use her phone during my wedding .a she FaceTimed her sisters, during mine and my husbands wedding ceremony... so she has been known to ignore requests this before. AIBU ?

My daughters nursery communicate with us via an app and use a tablet to take pictures/videos/send messages, so even if I was 'anti-screen' the second my daughter went to nursery that would have been shattered.
I'll admit, I thought I'd never be that parent, BUT, screens are useful thing and can be very educational. We need to accept that screens are a part of living now and our small children will potentially have careers based on technology that might not even exist now.
I get the 'in-law' thing, I think we all suffer the 'they aren't doing what I wanted' thing. They're grandparents, it's a treat, accept it (because you won't win).
That screen time will not harm your little one, especially if they're only getting small doses from your in-laws. I know it is against your ideals, but you know it could be worse.
Chin up lovely - you're doing an ace job as a Mum not to have caved to screens already! X

Yep. The perspective is important. My MIL was a terror for giving them sweets and chocolate. But she was also the most loving and devoted grandma, who played with them endlessly and who they adored. And they still do as adults, despite her advanced Alzheimers. They have such wonderful memories of being loved by her. I'm tearing up even typing this.

In the long term, the things that seemed to matter back then, really didn't. Their relationship was worth so much more than my concerns about sweets.

YABU

I can understand why you feel like this and why it is important to you now but in the long run it doesn't matter for your child's development. If you aren't happy with the child care she is providing for free you'll have to.look elsewhere. But things might not be perfect there either. I realised the only way to control everything around my child was to never let anyone else look after them but that's not possible or healthy . If she loves him and your child is happy and she is talking to you about their day then weigh this up against the other options.

Ps I am a bit embarrassed now about my pfb rules looking back

My only comment is that totally banning something could backfire. My friend did not allow TV. When her daughter went to uni she binge watched TV and basically flunked first year.

I understand that you don't want a baby exposed to screens to any significant degree, but a few baby specific shows can't hurt, can they? My DGS loved "Maisie Mouse." This year he is doing his uni applications, and it doesn't look like watching Maisie (or Thomas for that matter) held him back.

If you are so inclined, I am sure your MIL will understand that you do not want "free screen watching." Would an open conversation, recognizing you all care deeply about your baby, be helpful?

@Thistles24

Honestly, you’re going to have to pick your battles when you use family for childcare, and this isn’t a big one. I remember feeling similar to you, and DS1 only watched 1 episode of in the night garden each day until he was over 2. By 2, DS3 would ask to watch Toy Story 1,2,3&4 consecutively. And sometimes I’d let him!! Both have grown up with fantastic speech, and outside hobbies and love school, despite their different tv habits!

This. And in the end, when they ask for your phone/tablet/screen, because I´ve been on the same page, I just say no. When they are older and say but grandma gives it to me; well, then go ask her. I know it´s anoying but as a mother of three I say the same: pick your battles.

She's giving him a phone not drugs. Lighten up, if anything you are doing him a disservice as we live in a world of screens.

Yabu what I don't get is the time off childcare, your a parent....

So no screen time am guessing nothing on TV either? Don't all kids watch cartoons from time to time either using a device or TV whats the difference?

Screens are fine, as long as baby is safe and happy I'd be fine personally. The fact you aren't is also okay, but time to get the nanny back if that's the case.

I would like to say, I love my PIL and they are dotted on my children. I have childcare but they sitll always have been involved. I understand your concern regarding boundaries, but you have to let go a little bit. Because you want your child to be close to them and they love him. Also, I have set things straight (specially with MIL) with them as well because all the chocolate, never saying no to anything, etc. sometimes get to much. I have let them know that I was not ok with whatever happened that they knew I did not approve of. But in the end I still want them to see their grandparents a lot and they have a lovely relationship. Now that they are older, they call them and chat, etc. So make your point, yes, but they might not follow through...that´s what they do, give them what their parents won´t (the screen, the crisps , the biscuit, etc). All grandparents do this. That's what grandparents do. At least mine were the same. There was always cake!

I’d be annoyed. The one thing I was adamant about was no screens - she was about three before she watched TV or anything on an IPad. My parents had her one day a week and respected that. I had someone accuse me of being abusive because I didn’t allow screens. I was also told she’d be left behind because everything’s screen based now. Which was a load of rubbish as she’s a bit of an IT whizz now. If they don’t respect your wishes over this, what else are they going to do?

Good post @Daisy62

Reinstate the nanny.

End of problem.

I love the way you say he visits them twice a week 😁

YABU and you were rude to your MIL.

@Spied

The 20 min screen time wouldn't bother me. Going against my wishes would. Your child- your rules.I'd make this very clear before she starts over-stepping and making other decisions that aren't hers to make. Giving-in to their demands to get rid of the nanny on their say-so was a mistake. They now think they can call the shots.

Grandparents house, Grandparents rules or pay for childcare like everyone else, not like she has give the baby crack ffs

You told a grown woman she couldn't use her phone at your wedding? Bridezilla much?

Get over it and be thankful for the help. When he's 5 and addicted to Paw Patrol you'll look back and feel like a right wally about this

Also it may be your norm, but for older people looking after a hyper 11mo will be a exhausting. Let them have the 20 min break.

Not to mention they've raised children for longer than you have - they aren't some silly old clueless couple at the mercy of your superior knowledge.

And you may have "told them" but you can make demands all you won't, the lived reality is they don't have to follow them to the letter, it's their time and house and they are allowed to do what makes their day easier

get.a.grip.

Yeah, you're overreacting.

First baby by any chance? 😂

I was the same. Chill OP. You'll look back on this and shudder.

Can I also say OP do not burn your bridges when it comes to childcare. When he's older (and maybe has siblings), and you're ill/want a date night/want a weekend away/stuck for childcare in school holidays etc, you don't want it to be a case of "my ILs don't do babysitting" because you made such a blardy fuss of things when your first was tiny. Trust me on this - you want to get any potential babysitters on side now.