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Original poster

AIBU Mother in Law gave baby phone

275 replies

Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 22:00

Hey everyone,
Background - Our 11 month old baby visits my mother and father in law at their house twice a week so that my husband and I can have time off from childcare to work.
since he’s been born I’ve told all the family that a goal of mine is to keep him away from screens for as long as possible, so I never watch YouTube or any apps with him. We use the phone to listen to music on Spotify. But It’s 2021 , and I know he will eventually be using screens, but as he’s still a baby this is a really important for me to maintain this time before he starts to get interested in screens.
I also think it’s a slippery slope once you do introduce phones and tablets, they are designed to get babies hooked.

Today I casually asked how he was doing during his visit to their house and my mother in law replied saying me he was having his lunch and ‘watching his Shows’
I asked what she meant by shows, and she explained he watches a few cartoons. I explained that I was really surprised because we had told them I didn’t want him to watch screens, to which she said it was ‘only 20 mins of cartoons each visit.’
I feel really hurt and actually quite angry about this. I feel as the parents we should be the ones to introduce screens , or at least asked first if we are ok with them showing him screens.
My husband acts like everything is no big deal so has tried to stay out of it, which is also quite annoying.
I know times are different now, it’s the digital age, but I’m trying to keep my son protected from screens for as long as possible.
Also for context - after I asked my mother in law not to use her phone during my wedding .a she FaceTimed her sisters, during mine and my husbands wedding ceremony... so she has been known to ignore requests this before. AIBU ?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 25/02/2021 23:48

This is a bit PFB. I’m not thrilled by the mix of screens and small children. But lm pragmatic as they’re everywhere these days. She shouldn’t ignore explicit instructions but that’s the price of free childcare a lot of the time

2021namechanger · 25/02/2021 23:48

and they know that’s my only ‘rule’
I bet it’s not.

EmJay19 · 25/02/2021 23:49

Totally understand your reasoning but if you’re going to ask people to spend time looking after him they should be allowed 20mins downtime with tv. My mum always tries to find ds something new to watch because she’s tired when she looks after him

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Families
Nicola54 · 25/02/2021 23:52

I think most grandparents do stuff like this. Give extra little treats behind mum and dads back. I know mine did. It’s a little way of bonding for them and grandparents always think they know better than us and we’ll probably be the same when we’re grandparents.

At the end of the day, trust me, you won’t care about this in a year or 2. We all start out wanting to limit screens, sugar etc and we end up not caring about those things at all and they are replaced with new worries.

But if you make a huge deal about this now, and remove your child from their care over this, you could well do irreparable damage to your and your husband’s and you child’s relationship with your in-laws. They would likely be incredibly hurt and harbour resentment as they obviously see it as a non-issue. My advice would be to tread very carefully and as other have said, pick your battles wisely. I don’t think this is worth it.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 25/02/2021 23:52

I'm another one who thinks people are missing the point.

You asked her not to do something, she's ignored you and done it anyway behind your back for a while.

I would genuinely be looking for a nanny. They're the ones who wanted the time with their GC but they've totally disregarded what you've specifically asked. I'd be fuming.

And I say this as someone who's very relaxed about screen time. But that's not the issue. Riding roughshod over a significant and clear request is the problem.

Twillow · 25/02/2021 23:53

I understand your viewpoint but you're being a bit precious first born (I know I was so don't think I'm being mean!) There are a limited number of terms and conditions you can apply while they're looking after him and while it may feel to you that they are disregarding your wishes, it's also entirely reasonable for them to do things a little bit 'their way' on your child's visits. And your child will survive.
Did they specifically understand 'no screens'? Do they think it's just telly for example?

Wondermule · 25/02/2021 23:53

Lo and behold MIL has given my 13mo a packet of milky buttons! Chaos certainly ensued but I stood my ground and she came round

Phew that was a close shave! Saved from a lifetime of poor choices and wooden pegs for teeth Wink

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/02/2021 23:54

[quote sonnysunshine]The WHO recommends no screen time for under twos www.who.int/news/item/24-04-2019-to-grow-up-healthy-children-need-to-sit-less-and-play-more[/quote]
WHO advice was given with Asian countries in mind where most of the world’s children live. Screen use there is already high as in many places it isn’t safe for kids to play outside or exercise and cultural expectation is to stop buying toys and start focussing on education from 5.

Gettingthru98 · 25/02/2021 23:57

PFB
PFB
PFB
Yabu

Throwntothewolves · 25/02/2021 23:59

@sonnysunshine

I'm with you OP. I was slated in here for similar concerns over screen times when mine were little. Very glad I stuck to it. All my friends who let there young DC on screens have kids stuck to screens all day every day during lockdown. A lot of them are either overweight or sort of flaccid and unfit, have no other interests and sadly quite a few have some sort of mental health problems. The few of us that were anal about screens seem to have fitter and happier teens. It's obviously anecdotal but fits in with what mental health professionals are beginning to recognise.
It is utter nonsense to claim that many children who have screen time have no other interests, are overweight and have mental health issues. Plenty of kids use 'screens' but are also very active and healthy. It's all about balance.

My child has been 'stuck to a screen' during lockdown...doing schoolwork, as have most children. My point being that screen time can be useful and educational. Completely banning or severely restricting screen time could have a detrimental effect or disadvantage them when it comes to education, learning and social development.

However at 11 months it's not going to be beneficial or detrimental to your child's development, so you decide what you want, and if you feel that strongly about it tell your in laws so. Or don't leave your baby with them, it's your call.

hamsterchump · 26/02/2021 00:03

@Rooandrose How can you not have a TV? What is all your furniture pointing at?

Did you have a TV before you had a baby? If so what happened to it? Is it covered with a sheet like olden days people did with mirrors when someone had died?

Seriously though I don't get people who don't have a TV in favour of watching stuff on a laptop, feels like it would be people who mainly watch porn or really niche YouTube videos and nothing else for some reason to me, (ease of searching probably?) weird.

alexdgr8 · 26/02/2021 00:05

i think you need to get the nanny back.

saraclara · 26/02/2021 00:07

At the end of the day, trust me, you won’t care about this in a year or 2. We all start out wanting to limit screens, sugar etc and we end up not caring about those things at all and they are replaced with new worries.

Never was a truer word said. Everything seemed SO important when my first was a toddler. Like every tiny decision I made would have a massive effect on her life. I blush at the memory of some of the intructions I gave my relatives. In hindsight my PILs were saints for not showing how ridiculous they must have thought I was being. Thank goodness I calmed down when #2 came along!

What they do as toddlers is undone pretty quickly when they're older. My friend's toddler who was devoted to broccoli andbarely ate anything but healthy veg and fruit until he was three, wouldn't go near anything green by the time he was 7! And has a terrible diet as a young adult! My friend still laughs ruefully at the memory of how smug she was about his diet when he was little.

So chill. Screens will have to become part of your child's life eventually, so the occasional 20 minutes of cartoons at this age will make no difference at all to his habits later.

FishWithoutABike · 26/02/2021 00:10

This is why you have to pay for childcare. My MIL used to do the same thing.

saraclara · 26/02/2021 00:12

@sonnysunshine

I'm with you OP. I was slated in here for similar concerns over screen times when mine were little. Very glad I stuck to it. All my friends who let there young DC on screens have kids stuck to screens all day every day during lockdown. A lot of them are either overweight or sort of flaccid and unfit, have no other interests and sadly quite a few have some sort of mental health problems. The few of us that were anal about screens seem to have fitter and happier teens. It's obviously anecdotal but fits in with what mental health professionals are beginning to recognise.
I think you're being very selective here. That or lying through your teeth.

My kids watched some TV when they were little. They also loved playing outdoors and doing craft activities etc. From school age to university and beyond, they were also intensely sporty and fit, and had loads of interests, musical and creative. As did their friends.

Judging any kids for their lockdown life, is of course, ridiculous.

saraclara · 26/02/2021 00:13

@alexdgr8

i think you need to get the nanny back.
Anyone who thinks a nanny is never going to put the telly on, is deluding themselves.
Original poster
Rooandrose · 26/02/2021 00:14

Thank you to the people who shared that I won’t care about this in a year or two and I’m being a bit ‘PFB’! I take it on board... But I also want boundaries in place with MIL and FIL over parenting decisions now, eg discipline and other ‘rules’

I’ve asked them not to give him sugar and I know my MIL has given him biscuits before

To me it’s just really strange that once you become a parent you can’t get honesty from your PIL when it comes to the care of the children... i guess it makes me worried for the future if they go behind my back again, but I could also take on the view that it’s the role of the grandparents to be a bit more lax and give a few more treats etc ...
it’s a learning curve!

OP posts:
merrygoround88 · 26/02/2021 00:22

I think this is a control issue for you. To be fair it can be hard to relinquish control of your perfect baby when you know that grandparents will go against your wishes but isn’t that the deal with grandparents ?

You don’t want them eating sweets, they give them to them. You don’t want them watching TV, they let them.

Being fully rational you know that screen time at grandparents is no biggie but you don’t want to give up control

I get that but this is your issue to solve, not theirs

Barkybarkynutnut · 26/02/2021 00:23

Snorted tea over the phone when I read the horror of the ‘milky buttons’ catastrophe unfolding. Oh please......Hmm

seepingweeping · 26/02/2021 00:25

My 1 year old sat on her iPad for 2 hours this morning while I helped her brother do schoolwork.

Yes my 1 year old has her own iPad. They also watch tv and use iPads at nursery and school. You can't shield him forever.

There is nothing wrong with giving a baby a biscuit. Potatoes convert to sugar, apples and grapes have a high natural sugar content and fresh fruit juice is full of sugar. So unless you're making your child everything from scratch and avoiding fruit and carbs, then they have sugar in their diet.

I think you need a nanny.

SunshineCocktails · 26/02/2021 00:27

Give over. Really.

Nicola54 · 26/02/2021 00:28

To me it’s just really strange that once you become a parent you can’t get honesty from your PIL when it comes to the care of the children...

Because they see the children as a little bit theirs I think. I have had the same issues with my in-laws but it’s just something you have to make peace with for the sake of your DH and DC.

BluePheasant · 26/02/2021 00:29

I think you need to think about whether you want free child care or not. Quite frankly as someone who has had virtually no child free time in nearly 8 years of being a parent other than to go to work in which case I pay through the nose for nursery etc, I would have been overjoyed to have some help. If baby watch a few cartoons so be it. Yes you asked them not to but they are doing you a massive favour and a bit of screen time while they sort out some lunch or have a bit of break is hardly a big deal.

Daisy62 · 26/02/2021 00:31

OP, I'm with you on the delaying screen use. I think that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do, and in line with WHO recommendations. When I had my (now adult) kids I was very out of step with most people I knew, as my kids didn't watch TV when they were young and we didn't have a video recorder unlike most people back then. I am glad I didn't have phones and tablets to contend with then. I'm happy with what we did, I think it had some benefits, and no disadvantages. Kids are all computer literate, they like movies, one is big on gaming... so pretty normal re screen use today.

You can't usually impose this at other people's houses though. Even at nursery and childminder there may be some kind of screen time. A nanny is probably the only form of childcare where you can stipulate this.

You could talk to your in-laws and see if you can get them to understand your viewpoint; maybe also talk to them about how it feels when they ignore what you wanted for your baby. Maybe show them the research, try to get their buy-in. Explain that it's different to when their kids were young, as there's now a ton of media available to kids 24hrs a day. But it's a convo that may not go well - possibly your partner should be having it, but it sounds like he doesn't feel as strongly about it as you do.

You'd need to weigh up how much it bothers you - there's also the benefit of spending time with grandparents, which can be a huge gift to a child. Maybe you'll decide that outweighs the screen issue. If that's the only screen exposure, maybe that's good enough. Your decision as parents though.

glassshoes · 26/02/2021 00:35

It looks like you have asked for people's opinions but expected then to back you up. I think regardless of how keen the grandparents are to babysit, which is lovely, you need to pay for these two days childcare if you want to make these requests. Your thoughts are not unreasonable for paid childcare, but they are for free childcare.