AIBU Mother in Law gave baby phone

[Rooandrose]

Hey everyone,
Background - Our 11 month old baby visits my mother and father in law at their house twice a week so that my husband and I can have time off from childcare to work.
since he’s been born I’ve told all the family that a goal of mine is to keep him away from screens for as long as possible, so I never watch YouTube or any apps with him. We use the phone to listen to music on Spotify. But It’s 2021 , and I know he will eventually be using screens, but as he’s still a baby this is a really important for me to maintain this time before he starts to get interested in screens.
I also think it’s a slippery slope once you do introduce phones and tablets, they are designed to get babies hooked.

Today I casually asked how he was doing during his visit to their house and my mother in law replied saying me he was having his lunch and ‘watching his Shows’
I asked what she meant by shows, and she explained he watches a few cartoons. I explained that I was really surprised because we had told them I didn’t want him to watch screens, to which she said it was ‘only 20 mins of cartoons each visit.’
I feel really hurt and actually quite angry about this. I feel as the parents we should be the ones to introduce screens , or at least asked first if we are ok with them showing him screens.
My husband acts like everything is no big deal so has tried to stay out of it, which is also quite annoying.
I know times are different now, it’s the digital age, but I’m trying to keep my son protected from screens for as long as possible.
Also for context - after I asked my mother in law not to use her phone during my wedding .a she FaceTimed her sisters, during mine and my husbands wedding ceremony... so she has been known to ignore requests this before. AIBU ?

You must be a first time mum- all precious like you are....ahhhh ten years from now you will look back and cringe 😅 I think a lot of first time mums do strange and outlandish “goals” like this- it’s funny looking back.

Screens only have a bad rep because of your generation. The new generation coming through is all about technology and it is the future so whilst I would limit it your child should be allowed to grab the basics of it otherwise you may find his behind his peers in technology when it comes to school.

A few cartoons here and there is more than fine- how do you think parents maintain some sanity?

I don't think you are BU, and would think if they are admitting to 20 minutes it's probably a lot more. I would definitely say to MIL again you don't want your child using a phone. They can watch cartoons on TV if need be. DH started giving Ds his phone from about 16 months (now 22 months) and now he is absolutely obsessed. I asked him not to but he didn't listen, now when DH comes home from work the first thing DS does is try and take DH's phone from his pocket and has a tantrum if he can't get it. DH usually gives in so DS watches YouTube on constantly. If DS doesn't have the phone but hears it's ring, it's another tantrum because he wants it. If the phone rings when DS has it he now answers it, he also goes through the phone book and phones everyone. DH can be using his phone and DS will try and snatch it off him, if he doesn't get it he hits or bites DH. It's a nightmare.

As much as I think banning screen time is pointless (nephew didn’t have any screens then as soon as he went anywhere else he was practically standing on top of them mesmerised as he was fascinated whereas the others who were used to a bit of TV were nonplussed) that isn’t what this is about.

If OP had said to MIL I don’t want his hair cut until he’s 1 and MIL had been trimming a bit off every visit, people would be livid on OP’s behalf. Regardless of whether she’s doing OP a favour or not, she’s directly ignored a specific request from OP. And that’s the issue here. And on that front I agree with OP.

Because how can you have confidence she will listen to any other requests you may have regarding DS? If she was struggling with him she should have asked you if it was ok first but I suspect she didn’t as she knew you would say no.

Your DM needs a little bit of P and Q.

Babies who need watching every moment can be exhausting when you’re older.

I'm all for technology and I've got two dc woo have been saved by it in lock down.
There are amazing creative wonderful games out there..

But there is no need at 11 month at all.

It's the trust.
This is important to op... She's made it clear its important to her and Mil has trampled over that and done her own thing.

How can op trust her if she's shown this disrespect?

I’d be furious especially screens at meal times. I think you just have to find and pay for alternative childcare.

I'm sure it caused a full on debilitating addiction and possible brain damage!
Chill out, seriously you will be happier

My second DC used to 'watch' aalmost a whole hour of sesame street from her bouncy chair while I made lunch, fed her sister, and then put DD#1 down for her nap.

It's a wonder she's a functioning adult, never mind a very successful one (who is the least screen-y of us all!)

I kind of get you, it was a shock for me to realise how little control you have over stuff when you have kids, you do have to pick your battles. I would have been no sugar no screens as well, except my PFB wouldn't eat a thing, and eventually I realised something with a bit of sugar was better than nothing. And dp is a computer scientist / gamer, so no screens was never going to wash.

I'm reminded of the the thread a while ago where the grandparents introduced their 1 year old GS to the concept of a biscuit against mum's wishes. It's kind of funny when you're three kids on and realise how your standards of what is acceptable have changed. But sounds like your in law's will very much do what they want and it's up to you how you deal with that and what relationship you want to have with them.

The parents who ban everything when their kids are babies....sugar...screens...junk food etc are setting themselves up for huge problems when these kids get older....far better to allow everything in moderation.
As a side note...the kids that grew up with mine from so called respectable nice middle class families who were very strict are the ones who are now dealing drugs for a living.

I think this evangelical approach to screens is a bit much honestly. Ok, maybe half an hour of cartoons has no benefit, but does it actually harm them?! If it allows whoever is watching them to have a brief bit of peace to sort food/clean up/answer an important call or just take 10 minutes to have a break then I see no issue. I'm mid 30s and I watched television loads as a kid - apparently I was always glued to the screen when my mum picked me up from the childminder and my favourite birthday present when I was 2 was a Disney VHS that I used to watch on repeat (to the point I could and still can pretty much recite it from start to finish!). I did very well at school, straight A*s at GCSE and now have a Masters. I'm fairly sure watching telly is fine. I'd just be grateful for free childcare - we fork out over £1000 a month for nursery so you're very lucky!

@SpringisSpinning

It's the trust. This is important to op... She's made it clear its important to her and Mil has trampled over that and done her own thing.

How can op trust her if she's shown this disrespect?

Well if she doesn't trust her she can fork out for another nanny then. Although it's a sad state of affairs when you trust a random person with your child more than a grandparent because of your own mental rules.

no its about trust green. she is the mum and she is allowed to say whats important to her for her own child. she has the right to have that respected and not totally ignored by someone who thinks they know better.

The parents who ban everything when their kids are babies....sugar...screens...junk food etc are setting themselves up for huge problems when these kids get older....far better to allow everything in moderation.

^^ I totally agree but there is a stage and age moderation, you dont just chuck an 11 month in front of screens and shove choclate at it for moderation purposes..you can - the mum can introduce things gently ...

@myusernamewastakenbyme

The parents who ban everything when their kids are babies....sugar...screens...junk food etc are setting themselves up for huge problems when these kids get older....far better to allow everything in moderation. As a side note...the kids that grew up with mine from so called respectable nice middle class families who were very strict are the ones who are now dealing drugs for a living.

I was brought up without TV or sugar until a certain age, and I have never ever dealt drugs, for a living or otherwise (nor indeed taken them). Neither have many other people I know who were brought up in the same way. In fact, I don’t eat much sugar and don’t watch much TV.

We've used screen time with our now 19 month old to help with difficult nappy changes. Keeping baby happy when out for lunch (when that was allowed). She's 19 months and watches cartoons before bed (pays little attention unless the characters are dancing or singing). This morning she watched 5-10 mins in my bed while I got dressed. Gave her notice that she had 1 more then it was going away. She was happy to hand the phone back. She rarely asks for it. And if I say no, she's fine with that.

She used to be terrible in the car. Crying till she made herself sick. The phone helped with that. I did worry that she was getting obsessed with it. So we stopped giving it to her. She never made a big fuss. Was probably a few weeks before she had it again. She'd much rather be playing in the garden or doing painting or play doh. Tbh.

Pay for childcare instead! Then you won't feel bad enforcing your preferences.
I used to agonise over mil doing things I didn't like and not wanting to put my foot down as she was doing us a favour. I feel much better since the pandemic meant we had to send him to nursery, where basics like not eating in front of the TV (they're still learning, they need to fully focus on the food) are a given.

@myusernamewastakenbyme

The parents who ban everything when their kids are babies....sugar...screens...junk food etc are setting themselves up for huge problems when these kids get older....far better to allow everything in moderation. As a side note...the kids that grew up with mine from so called respectable nice middle class families who were very strict are the ones who are now dealing drugs for a living.

Second this! I was the PFB and the rules for me were insane - no sugar, no screens, no going out blah blah blah.

Parents relaxed a lot for brother and sister - both of whom are far more successful and didn’t have the (completely mad) rebellion stage. It’s a wonder I’m still alive tbh.

Completely agree with @myusernamewastakenbyme !

I wasn't allowed any sugary treats and guess what... I did the same as what so many do and went completely OTT with them when I was able to do so as forbidding things makes it more tempting for children when it comes to things that they see so many others having even in moderation!

I also rebelled

If OP had said to MIL I don’t want his hair cut until he’s 1 and MIL had been trimming a bit off every visit, people would be livid on OP’s behalf.

cutting hair is in no way equal to 20 minutes of screen time.

Also OPs DH doesn't seem to be bothered. Just because she's the mum she doesn't get the casting vote. If OP feels so strongly about it, get the nanny back and don't leave the PFB with the MIL alone again

@myusernamewastakenbyme

The parents who ban everything when their kids are babies....sugar...screens...junk food etc are setting themselves up for huge problems when these kids get older....far better to allow everything in moderation. As a side note...the kids that grew up with mine from so called respectable nice middle class families who were very strict are the ones who are now dealing drugs for a living.

There's no need for 'bans' if it just isn't something you do. There's also no evidence those who watch less screens when young watch more later, and quite the opposite with sugar.

This is just anecdotal, if you look at stats on drug dealing you clearly know an anomalous sample.

Anyway, it sounds like there are issues between you and your MIL and that will be adding to how you're feeling regarding it all!

A little bit of screen time is not going to do your child any harm at all!

I do agree with some previous posters who have mentioned PFB as so many come out with many different rules that just don't get made with subsequent children!

You do need to learn what battles to fight and what ones to just let go.

I couldn't get worked up over this at all. There are a lot of educational things for little ones available and it certainly won't damage his eyesight!

Your mil and fil will likely need a little break for a cup of tea or a quick tidy up or maybe they just like sitting cuddled up with him watching it.

You are actually very lucky as you have free and very reliable childcare whereas so many don't and struggle to find childcare even for appointments! Nevermind childcare for work which is free!

Obviously they are looking after your child perfectly fine so I would let this go. He will soon be in nursery where he will be exposed to much more!!

Mine watched some and they're perfectly fine and our TV is off pretty much most of the time. Kids tablets such as kindles are actually pretty handy and not the devil!

I suspect you will look back on this and wonder what you were thinking...