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Original poster

AIBU Mother in Law gave baby phone

275 replies

Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 22:00

Hey everyone,
Background - Our 11 month old baby visits my mother and father in law at their house twice a week so that my husband and I can have time off from childcare to work.
since he’s been born I’ve told all the family that a goal of mine is to keep him away from screens for as long as possible, so I never watch YouTube or any apps with him. We use the phone to listen to music on Spotify. But It’s 2021 , and I know he will eventually be using screens, but as he’s still a baby this is a really important for me to maintain this time before he starts to get interested in screens.
I also think it’s a slippery slope once you do introduce phones and tablets, they are designed to get babies hooked.

Today I casually asked how he was doing during his visit to their house and my mother in law replied saying me he was having his lunch and ‘watching his Shows’
I asked what she meant by shows, and she explained he watches a few cartoons. I explained that I was really surprised because we had told them I didn’t want him to watch screens, to which she said it was ‘only 20 mins of cartoons each visit.’
I feel really hurt and actually quite angry about this. I feel as the parents we should be the ones to introduce screens , or at least asked first if we are ok with them showing him screens.
My husband acts like everything is no big deal so has tried to stay out of it, which is also quite annoying.
I know times are different now, it’s the digital age, but I’m trying to keep my son protected from screens for as long as possible.
Also for context - after I asked my mother in law not to use her phone during my wedding .a she FaceTimed her sisters, during mine and my husbands wedding ceremony... so she has been known to ignore requests this before. AIBU ?

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 25/02/2021 23:25

He is already quite a hyper baby.

That's why they let him watch 20 mins cartoons so he will sit and eat.

I agree with you about babies and phones but I think this is different. They're just looking for ways to keep him sat down so they can eat & have a drink.

Honestly you need to pick your battles. He's lucky he gets 2 days with them. I think grandparents to some extent get to make the rules in their own home.

Do they take him out, talk to him & make an effort otherwise? I think there's a difference between a quick 20-30 min break and quiet time with a cartoon and dumping them in front of a screen all day.

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:26

Yeah fair enough I can see how my views on screens are different to most peoples. I’m really not into tech.!
I’ve tried to FaceTime my family, but my parents dont really use it (they are 70) and when we try my son just gets really restless; and honestly seems quite confused. So I think that’s where I got the idea that screens aren’t really that necessary until he’s older.

None of my side of the family are big into FaceTime - we prefer a phone call on Loudspeaker when we are doing other jobs.
Some of the responses on mumsnet are quite unkind and rude - hope you lot don’t speak to your friends and family like that!

OP posts:
Redrunbluerun · 25/02/2021 23:27

Please don’t worry about screen time Op.
I spent my life in front of the TV (my parents are awful neglectful lazy people) and I have a Masters and have a successful career. (Well I think I’ve done ok and am quite proud of that considering the start I had!) anyway, my point is screens aren’t the devil! It’s free child care, I really wouldn’t worry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SongSilkTrainspot · 25/02/2021 23:27

I think this is a wind up!!!

Nith · 25/02/2021 23:28

I can tell from this thread a lot of people think I’m being ridiculous so I’m going to delete it

Really? You're not even going to countenance the property that a wide range of very experienced parents might have valid opinions that are worth listening to?

What a shame.

sonnysunshine · 25/02/2021 23:29

I'm with you OP. I was slated in here for similar concerns over screen times when mine were little. Very glad I stuck to it. All my friends who let there young DC on screens have kids stuck to screens all day every day during lockdown. A lot of them are either overweight or sort of flaccid and unfit, have no other interests and sadly quite a few have some sort of mental health problems. The few of us that were anal about screens seem to have fitter and happier teens. It's obviously anecdotal but fits in with what mental health professionals are beginning to recognise.

SpringisSpinning · 25/02/2021 23:29

It's not about the request content, it's ignoring your request.

SpringisSpinning · 25/02/2021 23:30

Sonny what utter nonsense!!

BabyElephant2 · 25/02/2021 23:30

The principle of it is annoying - you’ve asked for something not to be done and it’s done anyway.

I personally think you’re being ridiculously precious but that’s my opinion and it’s not my kid. And I can’t really comment on overuse of screen time as mines been sat infront of a screen practically the whole of lockdown 1/2/3 and 4 so I can work and he’s still alive but that’s another story.

You have two options really, get over it or get the nanny back.

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:30

I know what you’re saying but you’ve totally got the wrong end of the stick about his experiences. Just because I’m not keen on screens doesn’t mean he doesn’t get treats; he gets so many treats! This has nothing to do with wanting to not treat him and make the absolute best of these years: this is just about personal choice and I just have a diff perspective About screens for him before he’s two.

OP posts:
Incogweeto · 25/02/2021 23:32

I think you have to get away from thinking screens are bad. They're little more than a flickering light show to a baby of that age. Plus I think the point of grandparents is to do things that the parents don't allow. I was never allowed telly at home, only at grandma's!

sonnysunshine · 25/02/2021 23:32

@SpringisSpinning the research is saying otherwise www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6214874/

Nith · 25/02/2021 23:32

So I think that’s where I got the idea that screens aren’t really that necessary until he’s older.

No, they aren't. But by the same token it's just as unnecessary to ban them wholesale, too. As I said upthread, DS learned some of his first words and sentences from watching Thomas the Tank Engine, and I know that he's turned out fine. I have fond memories of him trying to hurry up Grandpa by saying "Oh come along, it's rather late" which was a direct T the T quote.

DrunkBetch · 25/02/2021 23:35

You need to get a grip. The rules are always different at Grandma's. You get sweets and treats, you can stay up last your bed time and you get to watch TV for longer than you do at home. Lighten up!

endlesswicker · 25/02/2021 23:35

He got really bad eye problems from looking at a screen so just isn't keen on it

Hmm Really?

sonnysunshine · 25/02/2021 23:36

The WHO recommends no screen time for under twos www.who.int/news/item/24-04-2019-to-grow-up-healthy-children-need-to-sit-less-and-play-more

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:36

Yes I can definitely see the benefits of him enjoying them for fun , I loved cartoons growing up. But it wasn’t before I was 3 .... it feels odd to me that he is a baby and can’t talk or walk but would sit in front of a phone to watch some animations. I can just imagine him demanding mine and my husbands phone to watch them on soon... this is what I’m trying to avoid
Anyway; thanks all for the difffeent point of views. And I take the point that I may need to relax this rule given the digital world we are living in.

OP posts:
SpringisSpinning · 25/02/2021 23:37

Op as ever with these posts, some get it many don't.

You have trusted them with someone and said don't expose to screen, it could be anything...they have ignored you and gone a against your express wishes

Original poster
Rooandrose · 25/02/2021 23:38

Yeah for kids, but for babies ! Surely there’s no sugar and crap for babies. Grandma can have her fun once he’s older. 2 years plus was what I intended for him before screens and I think it’s reasonable; even if you don’t :)

OP posts:
SpringisSpinning · 25/02/2021 23:38

And no, I'm certainly not agaisnt screens however, i wouldn't let such a young dc have one no!!

Keeping2ChevronsApart · 25/02/2021 23:38

My kids were often plonked in front of the tv in the 90s while I got on with something. They all turned out well. My mum said I was loved the programme words and pictures and it's how I learned to write my name at 3 apparently 😀
I hate seeing babies with phones propped up in front of their faces in pushchairs, but sitting with one and watching a cartoon together is no different from tv really

VinylDetective · 25/02/2021 23:39

All my friends who let there young DC on screens have kids stuck to screens all day every day during lockdown

Maybe online delivery of education has something to do with that?

blacksax · 25/02/2021 23:41

@Rooandrose

Because I asked them not to use screens and they did it anyway. I’m intrigued by people’s perspectives here because I’m trying to gauge if anyone else worries about screens and babies as much as me! All research I’ve seen says it’s best to avoid for babies under 2.
You're being totally over the top and yes YABU.

The research is talking about a few minutes now and then. They just recommend not leaving babies in front of a screen for hours on end and using it as a babysitter.

Gosh, my dc had to put up with Countdown every afternoon practically from birth.

BabyBee93 · 25/02/2021 23:45

YANBU. Regardless of what your parenting choices are and whether MIL agrees with them or not, you are the decider of how your child is raised. She does not get to challenge you because she doesn't understand or agree with your reasoning.

Imagine if you told a childminder or nursery that you didn't want your child to be outside without a coat, and the nursery let them out without a coat? Would that be okay because "it's only 20 minutes"? No way! Family aren't exempt from respecting your choices.

FWIW - I have something similar, toddler doesn't have crisps, chocolate, fizzy sweets, McDonald's happy meals etc yet as I personally prefer him not to have processed foods when he's so young (totally fine with this for others btw, just a personal preference for me). Lo and behold MIL has given my 13mo a packet of milky buttons! Chaos certainly ensued but I stood my ground and she came round

BirdHedge · 25/02/2021 23:47

@WonderWomansPants

People are missing the point here. It doesn't matter what your request was, or whether or not some people think screentime is fine... the fact is you made this specific request to your MIL and she completely went against it. I'd be bloody pissed off too.
This. She’s telling you she knows better than you and won’t follow your instructions. I’ve no idea why people are getting aught up on the screen time when it’s more important that she feels happy to ride over this, wheat will she do when it comes to diet or discipline etc?