If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

Because you don't really want your kids to have double-barrelled names!

I don’t. It was a mistake and one I only started to regret a year after being married....you know, when the strength of the patriarchy fully reveals itself.

I didn't.

You're making assumptions, anyway. Big ones.

Didn't really develop into feminism until long after marriage. I'm really looking forward to changing my name back soon. Although that surname is my father's, so, would I need to come up with my own surname altogether to be a "proper" feminist?

I did, but I was young and stupid, and I guess I also wanted to at the time.

I’m not sure I would now.

I must have had something about me though, because I refused to register DS with DH’s surname and told him the only way our son was having his surname was if he married me. We were married 9 months later.

I just didn't give it any thought to be honest my surname meant little to me.

I did it because I wanted one name for all of us and his was nicer.

Still use my other name loads though.

I didn't want to keep my pretty unique surname, nor did I want my children to have to endure it. Marriage gave me a perfect "out" to change my surname to a very common one. Now we're just one of many, rather being "That Griffin".

Because I no longer wanted to have the surname of my dad who had no part in raising me and had long since died. I didn't have any relationship with anyone in his family or anyone I shared a surname with. I could, I suppose, have taken my mum's maiden name (but I'm now NC with her). I could have made up a totally separate name just for me. But actually I really like the idea of sharing a name with the family I feel is my own, this was dh and his family, because I really liked them. It actually felt like a very feminist choice. I could choose any family name I wanted, so I chose that one. It is also really nice that we all share a surname (dh, dc and I). We could have made up a totally new name, and some of my friends have done this and that's fine, but it seemed silly to go through the extra hassle when I really liked his name and his family. I was super relieved to be rid of my dad's surname, who I barely knew and who had nothing to do with my present life.

Because I no longer wanted my abusive fathers name and it doesn’t make sense just to make up another name when I can legally have my husband’s for free.

If you're a feminist why keep your father's name?

My maiden name was Irish and no one could say it correctly, never mind spell it.

I’m now one of the most common surnames in the country. The world really didn’t need another Mrs-my surname but the opportunity to not spend the rest of my life spelling my surname out, only to have it butchered anyway, was too good to pass up.

Because I hated my surname and having to spell it everytime I said it.

I didn't change my name and now we're pondering what surname to give our baby. There's no perfect answer, double barrelled can be clunky, a brand new surname has no family links or heritage and involves paperwork, picking one parents name means someone is left out. I'm a bit confused right now.

I can see why people opt for the easy route of going with tradition. And I say that as someone who loves it when women don't change their name. Now I'm pregnant I do have a weird longing for family unity which I'd have scoffed at before, I think as I feel closer to DH and unborn DC than my parents - hormones I guess!

Sometimes you can't make perfect feminist decisions, I let my dad walk me down the aisle. I could argue why thats fine but I'd be kidding myself, tbh it just wasn't worth the argument during wedding stress and I can own that decision.

I didn't. I have my father's surname, so hardly sticking it to the patriarchy. But it's the name I'd had all my life and I saw no reason to change it.

Just as I saw no reason for my husband to change the name he'd had all his life.

I didn't. We are equals so out child has both names. It's a little long but not too bad and it was the right thing to do.

Because I hated my maiden name.

We are double barrelling ours when we get married.

Because I want to. Surely the most 'feminist' answer, no?

@dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby

Because you don't really want your kids to have double-barrelled names!

But double-barrelling is 1 of 3 choices though, not the only other one besides the children having the man's. They could take the mother's name, which I would prefer seeing as she'd probably be the main carer, and the one in event of a relationship breakdown to be the resident parent.

1. Because my father abused so I didn't want to keep his name

2. because not all the choices I make have to be feminist ones. Everybody capitulates to the system in some way to survive it

These sort of questions are guaranteed to start a row!

In the end all women do what they do to get by in a society which was set up by and for men.

I find it counter productive to hone in on the decisions of individual women. Whether it's names, shaving, makeup or whatever. It tends to end up in a lot of defensiveness and arguing.

A better question would be why do some women who consider themselves to be feminists take their husbands name in marriage and if you remove the personal you tend to get a broader and deeper conversation.

As it happens i was young and felt quite bulldozed. I think if i'd been older I wouldnt have. I dont think it makes me less of a feminist.

I'm 60 and most women did then. Some professionals kept their original name for work/publications so were Dr oldname/Mrs Hisname - I briefly considered it but I'd not yet finished my doctorate, didn't really care about citations and my original name was one of the uglier, very widespread 'trade' names whereas his wasn't, so it seemed like an unnecessary complication. I might make a different decision nowadays, not sure tbh.

I didn't.