If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

I didn't take ex-h name, I changed my name at 12 when my mum remarried (my choice entirely & in Scotland so no deed poll but an updated birth certificate) & whenever anyone questioned why I didn't take ex-h name they were politely told that I had paid good money for my name therefore I'd be keeping it.

The only one who kept pushing the issue was his paternal grandmother & she was eventually not so politely told that I was legally entitled to use his name not legally obliged to.

My DD's have my name & DD1 has already decided that if she gets married she won't be changing.

1. It was the 1980s when not changing your name would have really stood out.

1. I was young and didn’t have the confidence to stand out by not taking it.

1. My married name is easier to say and spell than my maiden name.

1. I liked the idea of having a ‘family’ name. We did think of choosing a name that was new to both of us, but I think DH’s family would have been very hurt if we did that.

Now it’s absolutely my name and I wouldn’t change it again whatever happens. I kind of hope my DD doesn’t change hers if she gets married, but that’s her decision to make not mine.

@GintyMcGinty I wanted us all to have the same name

That is no more a reason for you to take his name than for him to take yours, is it?

I understand people not wanting the same name or ties to an abusive father - but the idea that it isn’t ‘really’ yours because it came from your dad annoys me - I bet your husbands feel that their names are theirs!

For me, it's more that I associate the name with him (especially as he was mainly known by his surname). So I didn't want to keep being reminded of him each time I received a post or had to write my name.

I like that I have a shiny new untainted name though and my dc have the same name. Started a whole new 'family line'. They can change it if they want though - not bothered about 'family lines'.

I’m not sure this is a purposeful question OP, as you surely know the answers - it’s usually that there is a preference for one family name, and (presumably because they weren’t brought up to expect to) women are less likely than men to expect or be bothered about passing theirs on.

There is also the matter of upset parents in law when it comes to the kids’ name. The irritation of the alternatives - having a different name for home and work, a different name for or you and the rest of the family, a cumbersome double barrel, or the fairly effortful feat of coming up with a whole new one.

Plus in some bits of society it’s still a badge of being grown up/a mark of love/the beginning of a new chapter. Plus the fact whether you like it or not people will often call you Mrs X.

All of things you know I am sure. Definitely more double barrels these days, and imagine kids taking the mothers name when it is clearly nicer isn’t far off. But as a default it will be slow to go.

@Narniacalling

Why do people say, because we want to all have the same name? Why can’t a man change their name

Some do, though it's rare. My PILs neighbours must have married in about the 1950s and had her name - a very easy, very english one. I don't know what his original surname was but he was Polish.

Yes this whole, it’s a mans name anyway so what’s the point. Really defeats the point

Does a man ever think oh it’s not really my name it’s my dads.

Why don’t people just say, I’m fully in trenched in the patriarchy and I like it. Like women would conform to all the gender stereotypes for their children

Did you create a whole new name @OrIsTheWorldNuts ?

Interesting, I thought about doing that too but it was too much hassle for us - easier to just keep our own names and I'm already published/known under my name.

@Pollypocket89

Because I want to. Surely the most 'feminist' answer, no?

Absolutely

@Narniacalling I agree with you 100%

@3rdNamechange
@Pollypocket89

Because I want to. Surely the most 'feminist' answer, no?

Afraid not, no.

www.jacobinmag.com/2017/03/i-am-not-feminist-jessa-crispin-review/

theconversation.com/no-feminism-is-not-about-choice-40896

www.jstor.org/stable/25698532?seq=1

magdalene.co/story/choice-feminism-and-why-its-not-enough

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/mar/23/threat-feminism-patriarchy-male-supremacy-dating-makeup

feminisminindia.com/2019/09/17/choice-feminism-self-imposed-barrier-progress/

@SomersetHamlyn That is no more a reason for you to take his name than for him to take yours, is it?

No it's but it's the one I picked.

You 'picked' a name that coincidentally happened to be your husband's name?

Of his surname and mine I picked his.

Hated my violent, alcoholic father. Hated my surname. Liked my husbands. Started using it a year before we got married 😅

I am aware I have an easier time of it with these excuses, though. Anytime the subject comes up I can shut it down with ‘abusive dad’ and the case is considered closed, whereas women who just wanted to change it have to defend their choices to the ground. I would argue feminism means the chance to make the choice that feels right for you without having to justify it. Nobody asks men to justify their decision to not change their name.

For me, it was a way out of my name. It was the name of a hated politician and phonetically didn't go with my first name at all - saying them together was a bit tongue twistery. It was always misheard and I would have to spell it loads, especially over the phone. New surname is much easier to say and doesn't have the unpleasant associations (imagine growing up with the surname Trump now, it's similar).

I do think as a pp has said though, everyone makes their way through the system as best as they can. Some things are priorities for some but not others.

I definitely wanted the whole family to have the same name.

Didn't want to double barrel, it would have sounded ridiculous.

Didn't really want to make something up.

We did discuss blending the two surnames together to make a new one (a few friends did this).

DH would have very happily taken my name - we discussed this too.

But at the end of the day, I just slightly preferred DH's name anyway.

It was near the beginning of the alphabet (mine was W, and meant I was always last for things at school).

I absolutely think it should be discussed, and an active choice rather than a default option.

@Ginevere
I would argue feminism means the chance to make the choice that feels right for you without having to justify it.

Posted a big bunch of links just up there about so-called ''choice feminism'. I have more if you want them

and you're right, 'abusive dad' is indeed an excuse. I have more than one friend with abusive parents who chose entirely new names for themselves. Not their husbands'.

I've read so many of these threads over the years and the thing that never fails to make me laugh/cry is that you get all of the women who obediently went along with the expected, patriarchal action, giving polar opposite reasons for making the same 'choice'.

His name is so much easier to spell / mine's awful to spell

His name is so much more unusual / mine's really common

His is distinctive / mine's boring

His is simple / mine is a mouthful

Just be honest. You did it because it's what you're meant to do.

Why don’t people just say, I’m fully in trenched in the patriarchy and I like it.

Don't be ridiculous. For some of us it's simply not that big a deal (unlike raising kids).
Maybe for some people their surname is in some way relevant to their 'identity' but for many of us it's really not. I'm glad that the old convention is increasingly being rejected and it's unremarkable now for women to not change name but it's really neither here nor there. Many other cultures don't have the convention yet are more patriarchal in ways which are of actual material importance than the U.K.

@SomersetHamlyn or people could just make different choices to you.

We wanted us all to have the same surname. Didn't like the sound of our names double barrelled. Happy to change mine.

@ErrolTheDragon
Don't be ridiculous. For some of us it's simply not that big a deal (unlike raising kids).hmm

there's nothing ridiculous whatsoever about her post. If it's 'not that big a deal', why do it at all? The default option is to not change your name. You have to do LITERALLY NOTHING then.

I'm glad that the old convention is increasingly being rejected and it's unremarkable now for women to not change name but it's really neither here nor there.

Except it's not. Because even among women who call themselves feminists, as you can see from this thread (and the many, many, many similar ones over the years), the overwhelming majority of women still do change their names.

I have the hugest respect for every single woman who resists the patriarchy in practice as well as in theory.

@GintyMcGinty SomersetHamlyn or people could just make different choices to you.

Yes. Some choices are feminist, and some are not. Feminism isn't 'whatever you like'. It actually means something. And a key part of what it means is resisting the patriarchal traditions that still dominate and structure our lives at every level.