If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

Because I wanted us as a family to have the same surname. It made me feel connected to dh and secure. Because I didn’t really like my maiden name and much prefer my new one even if I now have to spell it every single time!

The important point really though is that we have a choice now something that other women didn’t have a few years ago and we can choose whether to keep our birth name or change it.

I didn’t.

And my sons have my surname (DH’s as extra middle name).

It wouldn't work if you double barrelled tho...the next generation would be quadruple barrelled and so on
Once freed from the expectations and pressure of patriarchal tradition I am sure the next generation will exercise free choice, good judgment and common sense and not end up with 64 surnames. Don’t you think?

I didn't take his surname. And my children have my husbands surname because I was teased mercilessly all through school for mine and didn't want to burden them with it.

I have to say double barrel is a cop out, dh was double barrelled as was i, so now we're getting married and having a baby we're faced with a tough decision, give baby all four names? Or someone gets their feelings hurt.

We've decided to pick the one name we like best from all 4 and that goes with our proposed baby names and to hell with the rest. Really feels like they just kicked the can down the road to us

Why do people say, because we want to all have the same name?
Why can’t a man change their name

I liked it better than mine.

The important point really though is that we have a choice now something that other women didn’t have a few years ago and we can choose whether to keep our birth name or change it

Yes I agree.

I kept my maiden name for three years after marriage and then changed it. Just because I decided I wanted to.

Freedom of choice.

@Narniacalling

Why do people say, because we want to all have the same name? Why can’t a man change their name

I'm asking this too...just out of curiosity. If this is the only reason, why wasn't it the man who changed to fit in?

I kept mine. It wasn’t my father’s name, it was always mine.

We thought about flipping a coin for kids, but exuded that girls would get mine and boys would get his.

My DH and I both use one another’s surnames casually or as a matter of convenience, like if one of us arranged a delivery, sometimes if the other person ends up being the one home to receive it’s just easier to use that surname.

I’ll take my DP name when we get married but I don’t think it makes me less of a feminist for doing so

People always tend to say on here, oh my name sounds rubbish or I don’t want my dads name. Why not take your mums name then!
If more children had mothers surnames then we wouldn’t have that problem

All well and good but surely that would still be taking a man's surname as your mums surname would (probably), have been her dad's name. The only way to have a surname that is yours, and yours alone, would be to change it to something no male member of your family has.

I wanted us all to have the same name.

Bold fail.

I really don’t get the ‘oh but it’s my dads name anyway’

No my name is MY name. Just like my partners name is HIS name.

I’m not borrowing it from my dad - why is there this sense that men own their name but women don’t? Mine came from my dad but now it’s mine!

I understand people not wanting the same name or ties to an abusive father - but the idea that it isn’t ‘really’ yours because it came from your dad annoys me - I bet your husbands feel that their names are theirs!

Btw same applies if you change your name! (No issue with women who do, I wouldn’t but it’s your choice) once you do it’s your name - you don’t just borrow it from your husband.

The important point really though is that we have a choice now something that other women didn’t have a few years ago and we can choose whether to keep our birth name or change it

There is still huge pressure on many women, from partners and their in-laws. MN is full of women whose ILs insist on using the DH’s name , partners won’t hear of their children even having a double barrelled name.

The naming of children is as deeply entrenched as ever. Most women who keep their own name nevertheless give their children the father’s name. Even when they aren’t together

Men will not change this. It is seem as a status thing.

I reply to this one regularly, about every 6 months. In my case: I'm double-barrelled for professional reasons, but as an immigrant there are some days I'd just like to fit in. And tbh my own surname is one of those that nobody in this country can pronounce or catch if I say it on the phone. Dh's is one of the commonest in the country. I get better service using his. Which is shit but not really to do with feminism.

As for dc, I was the one who wanted them to have his- I knew they would be growing up in the UK and knew it would make their lives easier. Dd would have changed hers anyway by now as she's in Equity and no actor would take the risk of having a name that is difficult for agents to pronounce and remember.

It is not a feminist choice.

Absolutely not.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

The naming of children is as deeply entrenched as ever. Most women who keep their own name nevertheless give their children the father’s name. Even when they aren’t together

I didn't. I gave them my name. Then we got married, kept our own names and double-barrelled the kids' names.

I didn't. While I understand the reasons given on this thread, such as preferred husband's surname, easier to spell, distancing from abusive or absent father, it's weird that I've never met a man who has taken his wife's surname for one of these reasons. Also the "it was my father's name or my husband's name" reason - men are generally named after their fathers too but again this doesn't seem to make them want to change it. Yet they are free to do so. There's definitely a lot of societal expectation that the woman will be the one to change name not the man.

It was so much nicer than my original one, and made choosing names for the children easier, as it had a nice, pleasant lilting quality to it, and not a hard Germanic bark.

My goal was always to simply choose the nicer name. If mine had been nicer than his, I'd have kept it.

In the end, 'our' names are our father's names. I can look at my family tree and see a whole host of names of my female ancestors that have been lost, and they are just as much 'my' name as the one I ended up with.

If it's a big deal, we can always choose a fresh one, which is an option available to anyone today and wasn't in the past.

@Onedropbeat I have the choice of my fathers name I was born with or my husbands name

Don't you mean your husband's father's name?

Or rather his father's father's father's... name?

Why is his name his, and yours is your father's?

Or I could have chosen another time but the paperwork would have been a bother

Is there no paperwork when you take your husband's name?

Double barrelling gets complicated later on. When the kids grow up , if they marry , what then ? Someone has to compromise or everyone will have dozens of surnames.

@Pennethorne My goal was always to simply choose the nicer name. If mine had been nicer than his, I'd have kept it.

I guess all his female relatives have kept their names then, and their husbands have changed to it?

In the end, 'our' names are our father's names. I can look at my family tree and see a whole host of names of my female ancestors that have been lost, and they are just as much 'my' name as the one I ended up with.

Do you think the name that you were born with is more or less your name than the name your husband was born with?

If it's a big deal, we can always choose a fresh one, which is an option available to anyone today and wasn't in the past.

Which piece of legislation are you referring to that means people can now change their name but couldn't 'in the past'?

Should add that out of my 3 sisters-in-law the only one who double-barrelled like me and gave the children her husband's name like me was also an immigrant. The other two kept their own names and the children took the mother's name.