If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

[quote SomersetHamlyn]**@Pennethorne* My goal was always to simply choose the nicer name. If mine had been nicer than his, I'd have kept it.*

I guess all his female relatives have kept their names then, and their husbands have changed to it?

In the end, 'our' names are our father's names. I can look at my family tree and see a whole host of names of my female ancestors that have been lost, and they are just as much 'my' name as the one I ended up with.

Do you think the name that you were born with is more or less your name than the name your husband was born with?

If it's a big deal, we can always choose a fresh one, which is an option available to anyone today and wasn't in the past.

Which piece of legislation are you referring to that means people can now change their name but couldn't 'in the past'?[/quote]
Actually none of his female relatives have his name, nor any of them; he has none. He was the only one of his family to have it, after a lack of siblings, an abandonment and a remarriage. Whereas my family name had many bearers, he was the only one with his.

I liked the idea that I could bring the name back and create a new family with it, as it's rare and would die with him otherwise.

I also don't consider my birth surname 'gone' at all. It's right there. I can utilise it any time I please.

Women can adopt any name they please today. I suspect this was not always the case, but I have admittedly not studied the regulations. In the 1960s one needed a man's signature to get a mortgage, so it strikes me as a time that she would have also had some difficulty changing her name, but perhaps this is not the case. Perhaps at all points in history a woman could legally adopt any surname she chose. One must ask, then, why they did not do so - and those reasons, I imagine, apply less today (social stigma, etc.)

@polanama We wanted us all to have the same surname. Didn't like the sound of our names double barrelled. Happy to change mine.

Why was your husband not happy to change his?

My maiden name is a word in English which is not pleasant (think Pratt) and my dad was a massive dickhead. My first husband's surname was close to my mum's surname so it was a no brainer. I didn't change it back when I divorced.

I took my husband's name before I learned enough about feminism. I married quite young and was immature (though we are still together and very happily so)
I wish I had kept my maiden name.
And I wish I had given it as a middle name to my sons

My dh and I were creating a new family unit, and for us, a big part of that was having the same name. His surname is much better than my maiden name, so we chose that.

My mum divorced recently and didn't want my Dad's name or her maiden name as she hated it, so I suggested she take her mum's maiden name instead, so she has, it's a lovely name, I'm tempted to take it myself!

I kept my ‘maiden’ name because it’s my dads name but that’s probably not very feminist either 🤔
I don’t think sharing a name with someone makes me their chattel, it unites us as family

@Pennethorne
Women can adopt any name they please today. I suspect this was not always the case, but I have admittedly not studied the regulations. In the 1960s one needed a man's signature to get a mortgage, so it strikes me as a time that she would have also had some difficulty changing her name, but perhaps this is not the case. Perhaps at all points in history a woman could legally adopt any surname she chose. One must ask, then, why they did not do so - and those reasons, I imagine, apply less today (social stigma, etc.)

Rather than 'imagining' or saying 'perhaps', don't you think that before stating as fact that 'women can now change their names but couldn't in the past^ you should 'perhaps' try to find out if that's actually the case?

(Hint: it's not. Try reading 'Moll Flanders' as a start.)

You've stated something as fact without any idea at all of historical truth. You're just making it up.

You think that there would have been 'social stigma' in the past but there isn't now? Don't you think this thread alone is a pretty clear indication that very little has actually changed?

I know some will disagree with my decision but to me being feminist is about having a choice and making the decision for myself, not having that decision made for me. In my view I had a choice between a name that implies I'm owned by my father or one that I am owned my husband. I had a long surname that always required correction of spelling and pronunciation and as a result I always wanted a simpler surname. If my husbands name wasn't simpler then I would have kept my own name, I would have felt odd changing to something completely new and different with no connection.

@Clevererthanyou I kept my ‘maiden’ name because it’s my dads name but that’s probably not very feminist either

It's not 'your dad's name'. It's your name. And yes, keeping your own name, rather than disappearing yourself into your husband's, is a feminist act.

I don’t think sharing a name with someone makes me their chattel, it unites us as family smile

The name-changing tradition is absolutely about wives being part of their husband's possessions.

@SomersetHamlyn Yes. Some choices are feminist, and some are not. Feminism isn't 'whatever you like'. It actually means something. And a key part of what it means is resisting the patriarchal traditions that still dominate and structure our lives at every level.

To me, feminism is not having your choices and options determined by what kind of genitals you have.

Within that I am perfectly comfortable and confident in choosing what surname I use.

@SomersetHamlyn

Had a glance at the first two and I’m unconvinced! To quote-

“Yes, we make choices, but these are shaped and constrained by the unequal conditions in which we live. It would only make sense to uncritically celebrate choice in a post-patriarchal world.”

So women who know, or at least strongly believe, that they fundamentally want to make a certain choice, have to be decried on the basis that society is not yet ready to celebrate these choices?

“The idea that more choices automatically equate to more freedom is a falsehood. This is essentially just selling neo-liberalism with a feminist twist. Yes, women can now work or stay at home if they have children, for example, but this “choice” is fairly hollow when child-rearing continues to be constructed as “women’s work.”

Regardless of how hollow this choice is perceived to be, why is the individual not able to make it? Are we at the stage of judging women’s freedoms of choice in favour of changing societal opinion? If a woman wants to stay home and take care of her kids, should she be forced to do the opposite in order to advance a social movement? Why is that her responsibility?

Personally I would never want to stay home and raise my kids instead of working, and I do question why it is still seen as a woman’s role; I am also aware that the less women who choose to do this, the more we can move past this idea in general. However, I am yet to see a compelling enough argument that convinces me that the rights and choices of an individual are more important than this view.

Will read the rest of the links, but remain on the side that feminism is the belief that women are equal, and have the right to choose what to do with this equality.

@Dollhousedoor I know some will disagree with my decision but to me being feminist is about having a choice and making the decision for myself, not having that decision made for me. In my view I had a choice between a name that implies I'm owned by my father or one that I am owned my husband.

It was your name from the day you were born. No more or less than it was your father's name.

I’m not married so I can’t say for certain whether I would or wouldn’t, but most likely would unless I didn’t like the name. But for me feminism is about equality for women, and by extension of that - choice. The choice to vote, the choice to have a career, and the choice of whether or not I want my husbands name. That’s what being a feminist is for me.

@AintPageantMaterial

Because DH had been married before and had a dd. I didn’t change my name because I wanted the same name as him. I did it because I wanted the same name as THEM. We were becoming a family. If he had not had a child, I would have kept my name.

This. DH wasn’t married before but DSD has his name. Her three sisters have her mums ex husbands name. Her mum went back to her maiden name.

She asked me to change my name because she really wanted us three to be the same and feel like a real family (her words not mine). I was not attached enough to my maiden name to say no to that. I love that she loves me enough to want that for us three.

@SomersetHamlyn

Did you create a whole new name *@OrIsTheWorldNuts* ?

Interesting, I thought about doing that too but it was too much hassle for us - easier to just keep our own names and I'm already published/known under my name.

Yes I did. It's quite an unusual name, though English, and have never met anyone else with it. Sometimes, I think it's good that way, other times I wish I had gone for a more generic name.

@GintyMcGinty To me, feminism is not having your choices and options determined by what kind of genitals you have. Within that I am perfectly comfortable and confident in choosing what surname I use.

What percentage of women change their name when they get married, in the UK?

What percentage of men change their name when they get married, in the UK?

How do you explain that discrepancy?

Just be honest. You did it because it's what you're meant to do.

Somewhat arrogant to assume you know someone's reasons better than they do. I shouldn't be surprised, the sneering superiority a typical attitude on these threads.

@OrIsTheWorldNuts I think it's a brilliant thing to do. I was already too 'invested' in my name to change it for any reason, but I love the idea of creating your own identity.

I despised my maiden name, it was used to bully me at school. Also I don’t really want that link to my father who was an abusive alcoholic. My DH actually said he would rate my band but it’s so much easier to change your babe as a woman with a n m artiste certificate. They actually give you the certificate rather than doing a deed
Poll.

I spent a large percentage of my first 29 years being teased for having a stupid name. Too bloody right I changed it.

I'm Spanish, I have two surnames, they're not double barrelled. I have one from each parent. When I have children I will pass on one of mine and combine it with one of my husband's, in any order we like. It used to be dad first and mum second (mine are like that) but it's not a legal requirement anymore, people do what they want nowadays.

Women in Spain don't change their name when marrying. Ever. It simply doesn't exist. When we learnt at school about other countries, where you have 'the Jones family' or 'the Watts family', we were all very confused. In Spain it's always 'the Pérez Martínez family' for example.

I could not imagine changing my name when I marry. It's my name and it will always be my name. If I didn't like it I guess I could change it by deed poll, but when it comes to marriage, why would my husband be more entitled than me to pass a name on to our children? It's still a bizarre concept for me 😅

That said, I don't think the number of sexist men (and women) is lower in Spain, just because we keep our names. There's still plenty of sexist pigs around, so I don't think feminism-wise it makes a huge difference.

[quote SomersetHamlyn]@OrIsTheWorldNuts I think it's a brilliant thing to do. I was already too 'invested' in my name to change it for any reason, but I love the idea of creating your own identity.[/quote]
Clearly then you're someone who gives a shit about their name, and so you're harshly judging other women who really don't.
Of all the irrelevancies to get judgemental about, this seems like one of the least important to me. Clearly you think it's of more significance.

I double barrelled my husbands name with my own because his surname is really cool. That was the only reason

I disagree that it wasn't possible to keep your own name as recently as a few years ago. It's only ever been a custom. I got married 25+ years ago and kept my name, our children have my surname and DH's name as a second middle name.

And it's easier. Changing your name is the thing that requires effort. I had to do literally nothing to keep mine 😃