If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

You must be quite sheltered OP if you can't think of any possible reasons why a woman may want to change her name. As some have pointed out, they may have had an abusive father, or have been brought up in care or for many reasons want to distance themselves from their maiden name or just not be that connected to it. Also as others have pointed out your maiden name usually belongs to your father anyway so is just as patriarchal.

Further to this, what i did do is give our dc dp's surname rather than my own.

While I'm not sure it is something I would do if I had my time over, at the time I thought it made sense as I didn't care and he did. I understand now that this is because I never expected to pass my name on while he did, because of living in a patriarchal society, and that this norm won't ever change unless people start making the other choice.

I've become a stronger feminist as I've got older, I think that is pretty common for women.

Because people could pronounce his surname, mine sounded like a sneeze.

This again. How orig

It wouldn't work if you double barrelled tho...the next generation would be quadruple barrelled and so on. Your surname name at birth is your fathers (usually), so not "yours" really. The only way you'd have a surname that was truly your own, would be if we all made up a name and changed by deed poll. Just like when Pheobe changed her name to
Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock

I didn't. I've been Ms my name all my life. Kids have his surname because I'm not that bothered. Just my name is my name so I didn't want to change it.

Because I didn't like my surname and preferred his.

The thing i dont get with double barrelling is the next generation have 4 names or you have to pick which one you want to use for your children.
In spain isnt there some logical system - i quite like that.

I really wanted our future family when we had kids to all have the same surname, to be The ....s. I love that feeing. I love my parents hugely, and still feel I am a xxxx (original surname) as well. So no “rejection” at all.
As to why I didn’t ask my husband to change his surname- probably because it would have felt like a bigger deal to him to change than to me. He grew up never expecting it, and I grew up always thinking it a possibility. So basically just tradition. Also, a complete confidence that nobody who knew me would ever even think for a second that I was less of a feminist for it. I’m pretty vocal on the topic, always speak up for women, have married someone who shares these beliefs, have raised my boys to be critical of gender expectations and stereotyping. I am the higher earner, my husband went part time when the kids were little before I did - now, we are both slightly part time. Also, my first name is a little unusual for my age group, and it has been nearly 20 years before I’ve ever worked alongside another person in my industry with the same name, so I felt I would be no less identifiable at work either.
But I am totally supportive of whatever people want to do. It’s just a name. If it comes with any other expectations of roles in marriage, sex stereotyping, assumptions about childcare, household responsibilities - those are all things I’m really clear aren’t happening, and that’s what I talk with others about and caution them of. But it literally is just a name. And I love being “the ...s”.

People always tend to say on here, oh my name sounds rubbish or I don’t want my dads name. Why not take your mums name then!
If more children had mothers surnames then we wouldn’t have that problem.

Some men also tend to throw their toys out of the pram, and if a DBoyf of mine did then red flags are springing to mind. I wouldn’t marry someone who had a strop about it, because you would know that they’ll be useless joint caregivers to any children

It would make more sense for sons to take the father's name and daughters take the mother's. Fair all round.

I enjoyed having the choice. As a child I'd been forced to change my surname to my step-dad's and remained aggrieved over that, it felt very freeing to choose to change my name to my husbands and start a new identity of my own. I realise now I could have changed my name back to my original one, or picked a new one, but I liked my husband's surname and it was an easy process. I also didn't think of it as taking my husband's name but taking the name of the family I was joining, which contained lots of women proud of the surname, and has strong roots to a culture I'm proud to be part of.

My maiden name is foreign and 15 characters long. DH has an easy 4 letter english last name. It never even occurred to me to keep my name. When he proposed my first thought was “im finally not gonna have to spell my name anymore!”
I would spell it several times and people still got it wrong.

Because I liked it better. Shallow I know

@LilaButterfly

My maiden name is foreign and 15 characters long. DH has an easy 4 letter english last name. It never even occurred to me to keep my name. When he proposed my first thought was “im finally not gonna have to spell my name anymore!” I would spell it several times and people still got it wrong.

I remember filling out a form once and had it sent back to me due to filling it out "incorrectly". I had to send a copy of my birth certificate along with the form to prove I had spelt my own name right.

Maybe because my maiden name is my dad's name, and because it was one of the most common surnames out there, one which I've never liked. So either way your buying into the piarachy. Keep your maiden name after your father's (if this is your situation) or change it to your husband's. Same with naming your children. Only way around it is for everyone to change the name to something totally different, or kids are named after the female line, however no matter how you look it a males name will be in their somewhere. But to change everyone's name to something entirely differnet would have to have the consent of everyone, and as marriage is about equal partnership you would need both parties on board. DH changed his surname when younger to reflect his step dad who stepped up where his real dad didn't, so his name has deeper meanings. Why should he change that just because I want us to have a totally different name due to my feminism. Why should my feelings take precedence anymore than him? being equal does not mean being above. Basically things aren't as black and white as all that :)

Outing myself here. My wife said she would take my name though I offered to change mine. I was keen that everyone (children) had the same name Much later she decided not to which was a shame as I would have been perfectly happy to change mine. Does it matter? Probably not, apart from a slightly uncomfortable time in one airport when travelling with the kids! Maybe it's time just to can the idea of changing names on marriage or even dispence with hereditary sirnames altogether.

What do people in same sex marriages tend to do?

@Trumplosttheelection

Because I liked it better. Shallow I know

I don't think it's shallow. You like what you like.

As I wrote above, I'm really not condemning the reasons, just wanting to know the different reasons. The answers have been interesting so far and it really makes me understand things even better.

I can relate to those with abusive fathers. I changed mine from his so I didn't bear that name anymore.

I took H mane because I wasn't as much on the ball on feminism at the time (but then I would probably also not got married...).

However, it has ONE very good side to it. I'm not british, H has a very british surname. It has helped A LOT, esp in the last few years...... Less questions, less assumptions etc....

Everyone could spell my maiden name. I have to spell my married name 😡
If I had my time again I wouldn’t marry , and I’d give any kids my name.

Because DH had been married before and had a dd. I didn’t change my name because I wanted the same name as him. I did it because I wanted the same name as THEM. We were becoming a family. If he had not had a child, I would have kept my name.

I'm not a feminist and I love my husband and wanted to take his name

I didn't and DS has mine

I have the choice of my fathers name I was born with or my husbands name

I picked which one I preferred

Or I could have chosen another time but the paperwork would have been a bother