If you're a feminist, why take your husband's name?

[OrIsTheWorldNuts]

I just want to talk. No judgements so no biscuits

As a feminist, why take your husband's name? I know some say it's because they want to have the same name as their children but why do the children have to have your husband's/bf's/partner's name not yours? Then your husband could change his name or better still both change names to something new as a family?

I know to each their own but just wondering how you reconcile some feminist beliefs with the old tradition of taking the man's name.

@corythatwas

Interestingly, I see a lot of women here who mention their surnames were ugly, hard to spell, etc. I get that. What if your husband's surname was also ugly, hard to spell, etc? What would have happened then?

That one's easy to answer: if we had settled in my country he would have taken mine. We discussed it at the time and he was absolutely fine with that.

He was also fine with the idea of moving to my country, but I wanted to move here because of my career (was doing research related to UK rather than my home country).

Thanks for answering this question.

Find me a person who doesn't object to the serial misspelling of their name, especially by friends and people who should know better. It's seen at best as ignorance (sometimes wilful); at worst mildly insulting

Misspelling, mispronouncement, neither bothers me.

What does bother me is the refusal to use my name (and title when necessary) altogether.

I kept my own name. The amount of friends and family that insist on “mrs dhname” - i’d much prefer they called me “myname” even if misspelled. Dr myname if they insist on a title.

I get the distinct feeling that these people think marriage and the adopting of “mrs myname” should be the pinnacle achievement of my life as a woman. That’s what all women aspire to and I should be proud to show that off in my very name. That I rejected that somehow offends them, especially as my title reflects my academic status and no one knows if I am married so they can’t judge my social status...

@ErrolTheDragon

I wonder if there tends to be any difference in the discussions re naming between same sex male couples vs female couples? (I'm sure there's no way of knowing this beyond anecdote, it might be illuminating... or not)

A study could theoretically be carried out, if we know how many straight people change their name there must be a way of finding the same data for gay people.

Anecdotally at our adoption support group we have one gay couple with a hyphenated name, the others all share the name of one of the partners. Where as on our online support group hyphenated names seem more common. It depends where you are as well, in some places gay couples need a court order to change their names rather than their marriage certificate. In the UK gay couples can use their marriage certifcate to change their name upon marriage.

When we get married my partner will take my name, this is because my son shares my surname, if my partner and I have a child together we don’t want our children having different surnames.

I also think it’s even more important now.
My friends mother married 3 times. 3 children
4 people in the household. Everyone has a different name!
If she’d have kept her name and names her children the same life would be a lot easier.

And let’s face it 50% of marriages end in divorce, and I wonder how many go onto remarry

Because it's my choice. End of.

Bluebluezoo, my attitude mirrors yours. Spelling and pronunciation also don't tend to trouble me, except in the extremities of the positions I outlined (someone taking it upon themselves to 'alter' my given name!)

The rest of what you write completely resonates. I'm sure my husband's family sees it as a gratuitous insult. I use Dr for the same reasons you mention and have no problem with Ms. I'd also prefer my name misspelled than have Mrs or Miss wrongly attributed to me (really silly that this distinction exists when they're all truncations of the same word).

In France and Germany Madame and Frau become the default title when a woman reaches adulthood. Were this the case with Mrs in the UK I'd accept it with no problem (unmarried housekeepers and senior domestic staff did use it this way at one time). But it does seem some married women prefer that distinction reserved for married women only: viewing it as somehow 'special'.

It's all so unnecessarily complicated, especially when you rarely see men chewing the fat like this (because they don't have to). It's far more common for a woman to keep her own name in this day and age, but most have at some time experienced being put back in their boxes with the 'wrong' names/titles being rude. Most even report direct rudeness or have been challenged openly about their decision (which affects no one else). Mostly, it has to be said, by other women.

Anecdotally at our adoption support group we have one gay couple with a hyphenated name, the others all share the name of one of the partners

I discussed this with a friend once. They made a comment about their surname (hyphenated) and I asked if they felt that way why didn't they just keep their own.

Answer was they had adopted three very vulnerable children, and felt is was very important for the children to feel part of a permanent family, and them all having the same name was key to creating that permanence.

Which makes perfect sense, of course. But I wonder if the data on gay couples may be skewed for similar reasons as both can’t be the biological parent so the link needs creating another way...

@CheesePleaz

If you're a feminist why keep your father's name?

Because its your name you were given without choice, this is a choice. Also you might not have your father's name. Many single parents exist and the child has the mum's name.

I've never taken either of my husbands names. My son has my name too. I registered his birth in my name before I married his father. Now divorced and wanting to stay single I'm glad my son has my name.

I didn't want to be associated with my biological family.

It's all so unnecessarily complicated, especially when you rarely see men chewing the fat like this (because they don't have to). It's far more common for a woman to keep her own name in this day and age, but most have at some time experienced being put back in their boxes with the 'wrong' names/titles being rude. Most even report direct rudeness or have been challenged openly about their decision (which affects no one else). Mostly, it has to be said, by other women.

Yeah. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Imo that's the only thing really 'oppressive' about the current situation where we can choose - other people criticising one way or another.

Perhaps it would in the long run be simpler if, like quite a few jurisdictions, women were not legally allowed to change their names on marriage, but it's not at all clear to me that these are now fundamentally less sexist societies than the U.K.

time.com/3940094/maiden-married-names-countries/

I tacked his surname onto the end of mine. I can still be a feminist & chose whichever damn name I fancied when I got married. In fact, it’s made me now rather unique & im proud of it.

What hurts me is the way some feminists criticise their sisters, it only causes division, anger & defensiveness. I can be a feminist if I take my husband’s name. I can be a feminist if I choose not to.

There isn’t a feminist’s charter that barks orders on what we can & cannot do. Feminism must come from a basis of love, not hate.

I didn't

What hurts me is the way some feminists criticise their sisters, it only causes division, anger & defensiveness. I can be a feminist if I take my husband’s name. I can be a feminist if I choose not to

I agree, but I think many women don’t realise these decisions aren’t completely free choice. Societal condition, gender pay gap, stereotyping and expectations all mean the choice that “makes sense” is all ways the traditional one. Whether that’s changing name, or “my salary didn't cover childcare”, or “he just doesn’t see dirt”- this is all an environment society creates for women to keeping aligning with those gendered roles...

There’s a reason men don’t “choose” to be sahm dads, or change their names, or pick up the bulk of the housework.

As much as we think we make our choices out of free will, we don’t.

I told my ex I didn't want to take his name and he said "well I won't marry you then". I was young and stupid and thought getting married was everything..how wrong I was!

@bluebluezoo @MarieIVanArkleStinks
I'm also a Dr and use it or Ms if I have to give a title. Never been a Miss or a Mrs, never would. I agree that many women are conditioned to think that becoming 'a Mrs' and taking a man's name is an achievement.

I took my husband's name because I strongly believe in passing on a surname rather than making up a new one, makes tracing histories and families so much easier because it links generations together. However, I also strongly believe it should be choice whether it's the mother's or father's taken on, each couple getting married should choose. DH was happy keeping his surname, I was happy taking his as I didn't like mine and it's my father's anyway so no more feminist to keep his rather than DHs.

However, if my mother had thought the same as me though and made my father change to her surname on marriage I'd have a lovely surname and would have insisted on keeping that, would have suited DH well too. But I didn't want to just randomly change to that one out of nowhere, as I say I like the consistency of surnames being passed down.

The awful thing is that I DI think it was an achievement that I got married. Being bullied from age 10 until Sixth form college left me with the firm belief that I had no value and no-one would ever like me, let alone love me enough to marry me.

To a some extent, I have learned to overcome my feelings of low self esteem, but the thought still nags at the back of my mind.

@Ragwort

As a mother to an only DS I would sincerely hope that (if he chooses to get married) he and his future DW would clearly discuss if/why either of them changes name. I wouldn't give a fig, and neither would my DH, if she choose to keep her name or they both took her's. I would care more of they just blindly followed tradition without questioning it.

Ds1 and his girlfriend got engaged in the autumn last year, and are hoping to have the wedding in spring 2022, and whatever they choose to do about surnames, we will respect.

What matters to us is that they are happy together, not whether they follow ‘tradition’ or not.

I did and wish I didn’t. It was a snap decision right after we got married which I’m still confused about since I was a child I was adamant I wouldn’t change my name.

Kids are double-barrelled.

On a lighter note, I do like this lady’s reason for being happy to take her husband’s surname (Letters, The Times, today).

The awful thing is that I DI think it was an achievement that I got married. Being bullied from age 10 until Sixth form college left me with the firm belief that I had no value and no-one would ever like me, let alone love me enough to marry me

I do think it is so sad that female worth is still measured by external beauty and the ability to attract men and marry.

I went the other way interestingly. While I had similar beliefs about being fat and unattractive, I decided that as I could never match up to those standards I needed to find other things I could be confident in.

Which again is also why I dislike Mrs and dhname. I have other qualities I have worked long and hard for, and I don’t see why my whole identity should be advertised by my ability to attract a man.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

The awful thing is that I DI think it was an achievement that I got married. Being bullied from age 10 until Sixth form college left me with the firm belief that I had no value and no-one would ever like me, let alone love me enough to marry me.

To a some extent, I have learned to overcome my feelings of low self esteem, but the thought still nags at the back of my mind.

This is how DH feels about being married. I didn't know until recently, we were having a conversation about being happy etc. And he said "I couldn't believe you wanted to marry me, I didn't think anyone would love me enough to be with me never mind marry me". It made me so sad for younger DH. Like you he was badly bullied and still has issues around his adoption etc that he's getting help for.

I haven't changed my name yet. I'm about to be published under DH's name double barrelled with mine, since mine is quite common and there are quite a few of us already in academia. I'd always been adamant about keeping my own name, but after a massive family bust up I've reconsidered and might add DH's name - I'm a bit sick of family baggage and I see me and DH as being our own family now.

We're a mixed race family and when we have kids I don't want people assuming I'm the nanny, so us having the same name will help with that. I might give kids my surname as a middle name.

I had decided that it would be our family name, as any children would have his surname too. And I thought that I was embarrassed by my unfortunate first name initial + maiden name combination s9nwas happy to change it.

But I slightly regret it now. I care less about what other people might say or think and half wish I hadn't change the surname. Still married and kids do have his surname.