SS's stance on reconciling after DV *trigger warning*

[allshakenup1]

Obviously name changed for this. Apologies if this is the wrong location - please let me know if there is a better place.

I fled with my baby (10.5 months) after a DV incident a month or so ago. Although completely and utterly wrong, it was a minor incident (pushing, shoving) and I felt compelled to report it because I was so shaken up.

I had a call from SS, which naively, I didn't expect and it completely terrified me - they advised me in no uncertain terms that my baby could be taken if I resumed the relationship.

At the time I had absolutely no intention to, however, I do trust that it won't happen again. My husband is devastated and is seeking help for his actions. I'm missing him dreadfully and so is my DD. I want to keep my family together but I'm so terrified that if I do, my DD could be taken away from me. She's breastfed and has never, ever been away from me before. She's an awful sleeper and has co-slept, practically in my arms, since she was 3 days old. I'm so devastated. I don't know what to do for the best.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare - however, I want my family. It was a horrid row that went awfully wrong. He's a fantastic father and generally a fantastic husband. I feel I acted rash in going to the Police and I feel like I've failed DD by separating her from her father.

If I was to go back, could SS take her? Surely they'd want to keep families together and work with them? I'm terrified.

Just to add - my husband is in no way controlling or coercive. I do not feel pressured to go back and this is 100% my independent thought.

SS are not baby snatchers as portrayed but the women I know who have had children removed will often not leave relationships with DV. I used to volunteer for a DV charity plus have since then had some MH issues and met a couple of women who had children removed for just that reason.

Women often minimise the behaviour of their partners to fit the narrative they want as they love them. Look at the Freedom Programme online offered by Women’s Aid and co operate with SS.

Thank you for your reply @Valkadin

What do you mean by this?
SS are not baby snatchers as portrayed but the women I know who have had children removed will often not leave relationships with DV.

Do you mean repeated episodes of DV?

SS don’t have the resources to remove every child from a home where there’s domestic abuse. If you’re determined to return, what safeguards do you have in place for you and your daughter. What family or social support do you have, what work is he doing to understand his behaviours and change then. In short, what’s actually changed here other than you missing him. That’s what SS will want to know, if you don’t have clear answers don’t go back - not because of SS but because you and your daughter deserve better.

“ Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare”

There’s your answer. You can’t go back to him. Your DD is relying on you to make the right decision and put her first. Yes SS could take her, if they feel she isn’t safe with her father on the scene.

Thanks for your response @Jellycatspyjamas - that's all really helpful.

If there was even a hint of violence, I would absolutely not hesitate in leaving for good.

I have a really supportive family and my parents have plenty of room for DD and I at the drop of a hat, should I wish to go. I witnessed abuse as a child and I would absolutely under no circumstances allow my daughter to have the childhood I had.

Could they really take her that easily @Brunt0n?

Are you missing the husband you idealised or the husband who was violent towards you?

Do you not understand the concern about you going back?

I'm desperately trying to make the right decision for my DD. I feel like it was a terrible mistake reporting something so minor and my dd is missing out on a wonderful home we worked so hard to buy, a lovely lifestyle, two adoring parents.

@allshakenup1 the fact that they have informed you they could should tell you it’s a real risk surely?

I wonder if the past abuse you have witnessed (sorry to hear about that) is colouring your view on this somewhat? Are you minimising what your husband did because you don’t see it as ‘as bad’ as what you witnessed as a child? Did you ever get counselling or talk to anyone about what you went through as a child?

Not being funny, but if it was so awful you were shaken up and reported to police AND SS... it obviously wasn’t nothing was it?

Also it sounds like you’re more worried about missing a lifestyle to me. A nice home is bullshit if your mams getting knocked about it every time your dad loses his rag...

@PickAChew

Are you missing the husband you idealised or the husband who was violent towards you?

Do you not understand the concern about you going back?

Of course I do. I totally, totally appreciate it. Which is why I'm posting. Please don't make the mistake of thinking I am missing the idealised family lifestyle - I miss him.

God I sound awful. I am trying to be so strong for my DD and if I actually though for a minute that either DD or I would be unsafe, the thought would not cross my mind to go back.

It’s really worrying that you’re minimising here. If it was enough to leave and report then it’s enough. Period

It’s unlikely they would remove your daughter on the basis of one report to the police about one shove.

HOWEVER - just because you don’t consider there to be any risk doesn’t mean that social care would share that view, especially if there are any other issues or is any other incidents.

You say if there was a hint of violence you would leave. There has been and you did leave.

He put his hands on you, minor or not. You're saying you want to go back to him for her sake, fast forward 20 years, and imagine it was your daughter in your shoes. Would you be happy if she went back to her abuser and advise her to do so?

Ffs Op, there has already been "more than a hint of violence. You are minimising and defending a man who scared you so much you reported him to the Police. A man that assaults you is not a good husband or father.
Your DD will grow up hearing/seeing this and thinking it is normal and thus the cycle perpetuates. Just as it did with you who grew up
With it and now is accepting it for herself and her daughter.
Wake up! This will not be the last time he is violent to you unless you leave him.

@Ruddyfedup

He put his hands on you, minor or not. You're saying you want to go back to him for her sake, fast forward 20 years, and imagine it was your daughter in your shoes. Would you be happy if she went back to her abuser and advise her to do so?

You're totally spot on. I'd be devastated for her.

It’s worth considering @Brunt0n’s comments here. I’ve worked with women who lived in really awful abusive relationships but who didn’t define or recognise the abuse because it wasn’t as bad as X. Or it’s not abusive because he only pushed me out of the way, he only grabbed my arm to stop me leave, he didn’t kick me, he’s never punched me, he hasn’t done X where X is the thing they witnessed as a child.

Of course you miss him, you loved him in some way, built a home and had a child. But he’s placed his hand on you in anger - that’s a massive red flag and needs to be properly addressed.

That's your answer then.
He isn't a good husband or Dad if there is violence.

Did you know he’d be violent towards you before? If not how can you be so sure it wouldn’t happen again?

Would you want your daughter to go back to a relationship with a man who had terrified and hurt her, made her flee and call the police?

What do you think has made your dh change? Has he lernt that he can't push and shove you around now?
If so how?

@AnaisNun I feel your comment about my lifestyle is a little under the belt. I absolutely would not allow that to happen. I'm trying to do the best for my daughter. I have no idea about processes.

@Jellycatspyjamas you sound really informed. Thank you for your help. You're right wrt @Brunt0n's comments - absolutely this was not "as bad" as the abuse I witnessed as a child.

No one has ever physically pushed or shoved me before - that's why I was shaken up.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Did you know he’d be violent towards you before? If not how can you be so sure it wouldn’t happen again?

Would you want your daughter to go back to a relationship with a man who had terrified and hurt her, made her flee and call the police?

Of course not, I never considered he would ever be violent to me before. I wouldn't have married him, I certainly wouldn't have had a child with him.

This has devastated both of us.

It's really not ok for him to push and shove you, there is a valid reason you were shaken up (and that you had never experienced it before - because adults aren't supposed to do that to each other)

Keep going with the thoughts of what you would be happy for your daughter to have. You deserve as good as she does. Teach her what she deserves by being a role model for it

My thoughts are with you OP, I know this must be incredibly hard.

@FagashJackie

What do you think has made your dh change? Has he lernt that he can't push and shove you around now? If so how?

I think the fact that it happened. The fact that DH realises he placed everything his life revolves around in jeopardy- he will lose me, he will lose dd, our house, our business, everything.

You keep repeating that you would leave if you thought something would happen.

Something did happen.

Of you don't take this as a wake up call, you will be repeating those mistakes.

@trunumber

It's really not ok for him to push and shove you, there is a valid reason you were shaken up (and that you had never experienced it before - because adults aren't supposed to do that to each other)

Keep going with the thoughts of what you would be happy for your daughter to have. You deserve as good as she does. Teach her what she deserves by being a role model for it

My thoughts are with you OP, I know this must be incredibly hard.

Thank you.

Of course it's not ok. It's not ok for a second, but I believe that everyone makes mistakes. This is an absolutely almighty fuck up on his behalf.

I felt I was doing the right thing by reporting it. Now I feel like I've failed my family.