SS's stance on reconciling after DV *trigger warning*

[allshakenup1]

Obviously name changed for this. Apologies if this is the wrong location - please let me know if there is a better place.

I fled with my baby (10.5 months) after a DV incident a month or so ago. Although completely and utterly wrong, it was a minor incident (pushing, shoving) and I felt compelled to report it because I was so shaken up.

I had a call from SS, which naively, I didn't expect and it completely terrified me - they advised me in no uncertain terms that my baby could be taken if I resumed the relationship.

At the time I had absolutely no intention to, however, I do trust that it won't happen again. My husband is devastated and is seeking help for his actions. I'm missing him dreadfully and so is my DD. I want to keep my family together but I'm so terrified that if I do, my DD could be taken away from me. She's breastfed and has never, ever been away from me before. She's an awful sleeper and has co-slept, practically in my arms, since she was 3 days old. I'm so devastated. I don't know what to do for the best.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare - however, I want my family. It was a horrid row that went awfully wrong. He's a fantastic father and generally a fantastic husband. I feel I acted rash in going to the Police and I feel like I've failed DD by separating her from her father.

If I was to go back, could SS take her? Surely they'd want to keep families together and work with them? I'm terrified.

Just to add - my husband is in no way controlling or coercive. I do not feel pressured to go back and this is 100% my independent thought.

@user1325352314 I've just screenshotted your post to read through when I'm feeling wobbly. You have offered a lot of clarity, understanding, compassion and empathy.

Genuinely, I feel I would be much happier in my own home rather than feeling like a guest at my parents (stepdad and mums, just to clarify!!). I totally appreciate your viewpoint though and it's not something I have considered.

The thought of hurting my baby, the idea that she may have been scared has broken me.

Thank you so much and again I'm so sorry you have experienced this too

Cross post @MyGazeboisLeaking - I reference my parents as my stepdad and my mum. As far as I'm concerned, my stepdad is as much a parent as my mum is. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding. He's a wonderful human and I'm so grateful to have him in my life.

I was NC with my biological dad for years before he passed away.

One thing I'm getting from the op here is that you think the onus is all on you to sort this out and it's 'your fault' family life has been disrupted because you reported the incident.

He was violent and you acted responsibly immediately - you made calls to protect you and your child. You are not at fault.

It's his responsibility to now to get help and take steps to enable the family to reunite. He needs to locate a perpetrator programme for domestic abusers locally as a priority.

It's a shame ss didn't just come and do the assessment anyway as you would know what's going on by now. I'm assuming you're not expecting a visit?

@nevernotstruggling you're right. SS told me they have no need for any involvement currently as I'm away from my husband (by 2 counties). They mentioned an assessment if I was to resume the relationship. I wasn't made aware that they'd visit - will they?

@allshakenup1 they would have told you if they planned to visit sorry if I have panicked you. Police reports involving a child are sent to ss and they check them out. The ly calked you - you said yes x happened and I'm living at y now. Hence no role for ss currently.

@nevernotstruggling that's exactly what happened. They asked me to get in touch if I needed support or wished to resume the relationship.
No worries, thank you for your help

@allshakenup1 you're more than welcome. I think you should call your local children's centre. They do outreach work including healthy relationship programmes.

The abuse you witnessed a a child... was it your parents?
I'm just thinking that that could be clouding your views on this, especially as you talk about your parents being very supportive and that you're staying with them atm.

SS are a great support service and are there primarily to keep your child safe and support parents/keep family units together. SS gain nothing from removing a safe/loved child from their home, particularly when resources are stretched in terms of foster services/child placements. When a domestic incident is reported to police this automatically triggers social work intervention. Social work complete a report that is sent to the children’s reporter and have access to medical info/ nursery info and your families criminal history/ prior social work involvement.
You absolutely done the right thing by reporting your partner as it shows that even in such a difficult and traumatic time, you put her safety first. It is normal to crave the lose of what once was a happy life and want that back. Have SS stopped contact between your husband and daughter?

Forget the home and the lifestyle, focus on your child. This is not a good husband and father, this is someone who has shown they will abuse you to control you. What does the fact you want to go back say about how important your child is compared to you nice house and lifestyle?

@Hoppinggreen

So he assaulted you but you now feel you have destroyed your family? I’m very surprised SS would have been that involved for one “shove” as well.

Well clearly you don't know very much then do you?

OP consider if he is violent towards you again. I feel once they start it opens a door for more abuse. You won’t be able to report it for fear of your DD being taken. Please think carefully and be honest with yourself about your DH and if he is capable of doing this again

Yes I have and what stood out for me is that you we’re trying to shoulder the blame for the outcome of your husband assaulting you.
It also seems like you are minimising what happened but whatever he did to you please remember that SS saw something that worried them enough to give you that warning.
Move home if you haven’t already and ask him to leave

ah, that makes perfect sense, OP.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

I have experience of DV and abuse, but not from someone I had children with. Also he showed his true colours pretty quickly into our relationship - I stayed for years at the beginning because I thought I could help him / he needed me, then after that, I lost perspective and stayed because I was afraid to be on my own.

That is 25+ years ago now and old history.

There are lots of knowledgeable posters on here who have far more relevant / recent experience and advice. I just wonder - and it's a question - if your DH genuinely was 100% loving, stable, supportive for a long time / your entire relationship before this incident, is it ever worth exploring options for reconciliation?

I don't know the answer. I think if my (now DH) who I've been with for 20 years, and is genuinely the best, kindest man I've ever known, did this to me 'out of the blue', I would not be quick to shut down everything we had without seeing if we could be helped first.

@VHB88 that's interesting to know and really helpful, thank you.
DD is due to start nursery in a few weeks time. Will they know about this? No SS haven't stopped anything. I can't remember them asking about that but I do remember making it clear that he gave me no cause for concern as a father and that I want to do everything to ensure DD has a healthy relationship with him. He has come to my parents twice to see her and my stepdad and I met him halfway at a services for him. I last spoke to the Police yesterday - they are aware that I've seen him and am communicating with him re DD. They mentioned no cause for concern.
Would this be a red flag to them?
Again, I thought I was doing the right thing here.

@Hurtandupset2 the abuse was between my biological dad and mum. I refer to my stepdad and mum as my parents - sorry for any confusion!

@Disfordarkchocolate that's really unhelpful. Please don't be goady and please read the whole thread. Have a little empathy.

@MyGazeboisLeaking we've been together for 7 years, married for 3. I've known him for 10. I've known of him (through his brother) for longer. Genuinely, this has shocked me. It's so unlike him. But I appreciate no one has a sign around their neck pointing things like this out.
A fraction of me, the grieving part which appears when I'm wobbling, the part which prompted me to start this thread, would want to perhaps explore this possibility.
The other part, the rational part, terrified of the "what if he does it again" and that he's showed his true colours and that DD could be emotionally damaged at best, physically at worst, is louder and is saying "absolutely no fucking way!!!"

I'm sorry if you think it's goady but I have been where you are @allshakenup1 and I know what follows.

@Disfordarkchocolate

I'm sorry if you think it's goady but I have been where you are *@allshakenup1* and I know what follows.

Well, no, you don't. You're projecting.

Listen op, you need to think back to that time and how you felt. You were shaken up enough to call the police. People don't do that for nothing. My ex was aggressive, I'd always go back to as I'd feel it was a mistake, he'd made a mistake and so on. Now I'm in a new relationship I can look back and see how wrong that was. I'd never felt I needed to call the police on my new dp, because it's a respectful relationship where I wouldn't ever feel afraid. What I'm trying to say is that it's easy to get caught up in this stuff minimise it, normalise it. But having to call the police, even once, on your partner, is not a normal loving relationship, and not one a child should have to be in either.

I feel desperately sorry for you and I totally understand your desire to get your family back together, you still love him after all
The problem is he crossed that line, the one that there is no coming back from. Certain things cannot be undone or unsaid and this is one of them
I am so glad you are not going back, he may never do it again but I don't think you would ever truly feel safe and every action would be coloured - the innate fear that he may get physical would change the dynamic of your relationship
I have no doubt he regrets it .. but he is not the person you thought he was. I have gone out with many a not so great man but none have ever come anywhere close to laying a hand on me, despite many a screaming fight. It takes a certain type of person to do what he did.

I’m very shocked by the amount of people minimising a shove saying there must be more to it, or ss wouldn’t take your child away just because of a shove. If my partner shoved or pushed me he would be gone.

You have to think of the purpose of a push or shove. Why did he do it? Yes he was angry but what was he trying to get out of it when he was angry. It was either a warning - threat, or he wanted to control you in that spilt second, or he was frustrated and wanted to hurt you a small bit. A normal person who loved you who’s not dangerous would not push you.

I know you’ve had happy times but all dv relationships I’m sure had happy times too. I know it’s hard but you will find someone else who will make you equally happy but without the threat of danger.

You need to reflect back to how you felt when your DH attacked you, that night when you lay awake, and the next day when you felt it necessary to flee to your parents house and contact the police. Those feelings were real, and your DH incited those feelings in you when he attacked you. You must have been terrified to have felt the need to flee to another house, and to have needed to contact the police. You wouldn't have taken these courses of action disproportionately.

The feelings that you are experiencing now, the questioning of yourself and your actions, these feelings are not so real. They are borne of missing the relationship that you had before the incident, the worry that you have about the disruption that you know that you are facing and will continue to face, and quite simply that it probably feels so much easier to just forgive and resume your relationship. You are sort of gas lighting yourself into believing that it wasn't that bad, your actions were over the top, he was stressed etc. All of these feelings that you are having are normal. But you need to draw upon your last reserves of strength and resolve because going back to him would be the wrong decision for you and your child.

Have you experienced DV in your family of origin?

If you can’t prioritise that child they’ll have to.

I’ve had some proper arguments with dh over the last 15 years but we don’t get physical.

@Kaliorphic I totally agree with what you've said. I'm glad you're safe and happy now. Again, I'm so sorry you've experienced this too.

@workshy44 thank you for your post. You're right - our relationship would be tainted and things would be different. It still doesn't help me feeling sad.

@Hariboqueen1 I am also shocked at those minimising it. In honesty, I think it was weeks and weeks of tension and bickering building up and just an uncontrolled release. Which doesn't make it right.

@hadesinahalfahell thank you for your lovely post. A lot of that resonates with me however as I explained upthread, I think my "fight or flight" trigger was activated x 100 due to ptsd flashbacks of abuse in my childhood. I think, had that not happened, I would have still left, for breathing space but I certainly wouldn't have contacted the authorities. So far, I haven't felt supported by them. I would like information on how to co parent safely, for example.

The DA in my relationship started a few months after I had our daughter although there were a few iffy moments whilst I was pregnant. He seemed to resent the attention I was getting when pregnant and my promotion at work. He made critical remarks and started damaging my self-confidence.

The first time he smashed up anything it was my daughter's high chair. It was in the way and he kicked at it, knocked it over then when it caught him as it fell he slammed it into the wall. It was new, I'd paid for it and I'd only just started using it.

Things escalated. Lots of other stuff happened.

I left my home. I had a legal right to stay there but I was getting flashbacks all the time at first and I just wanted to avoid any further abuse. He lost the house less than a year later. I'm in rented accommodation now.