SS's stance on reconciling after DV *trigger warning*

[allshakenup1]

Obviously name changed for this. Apologies if this is the wrong location - please let me know if there is a better place.

I fled with my baby (10.5 months) after a DV incident a month or so ago. Although completely and utterly wrong, it was a minor incident (pushing, shoving) and I felt compelled to report it because I was so shaken up.

I had a call from SS, which naively, I didn't expect and it completely terrified me - they advised me in no uncertain terms that my baby could be taken if I resumed the relationship.

At the time I had absolutely no intention to, however, I do trust that it won't happen again. My husband is devastated and is seeking help for his actions. I'm missing him dreadfully and so is my DD. I want to keep my family together but I'm so terrified that if I do, my DD could be taken away from me. She's breastfed and has never, ever been away from me before. She's an awful sleeper and has co-slept, practically in my arms, since she was 3 days old. I'm so devastated. I don't know what to do for the best.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare - however, I want my family. It was a horrid row that went awfully wrong. He's a fantastic father and generally a fantastic husband. I feel I acted rash in going to the Police and I feel like I've failed DD by separating her from her father.

If I was to go back, could SS take her? Surely they'd want to keep families together and work with them? I'm terrified.

Just to add - my husband is in no way controlling or coercive. I do not feel pressured to go back and this is 100% my independent thought.

The fact that DH realises he placed everything his life revolves around in jeopardy- he will lose me, he will lose dd, our house, our business, everything

Yes but he hasn’t put that at jeopardy has he? Because if you go back he will learn that it’s OK to push you. It’s not a sackable offence.

Are you getting support from domestic violence services? There should be information on your councils website for local services, women's aid can also advise more generally and signpost/refer to local services.

@AurorasLighthouse how awful for you. I hope you are in a better place now and I'm pleased you are safe
Can I ask what the procedures were that they'd put in place? This is all so very new to me.

Ex has started counselling and has been to his GP about anger, depression and anxiety. He has been prescribed an anti-d (can't remember which one).

@HerFlowersToLove you are right - in the leading months he was snappy, short. I did feel on eggshells although violence was the last thing I suspected.

I went to the Police because I genuinely thought that it was the right thing to do.

allshakenup1,
I’m sorry that this happened to you but let me assure you that Social Services cannot remove your child without a Court Order .

@trunumber that's helpful too. Thank you. I just really wanted to know whether they'll support us or whether it's non negotiable. As I said, I have no idea what an assessment entails.

I have no fear about carving out a life, just DD and me. My only fear is looking back in years time and regretting not going back.

I will contact Women's Aid in the morning. I will also call SS and say that it was all a bit of a blur when I had the initial conversation with the SW, and perhaps they can explain things to me a little better.

They did an initial assessment which took ages, but from when I went back things escalated incredibly quickly. It felt like they were working alongside, no intention of kids going anywhere, to pre court proceedings. That was in a matter of weeks.

"If there was even a hint of violence, I would absolutely not hesitate in leaving for good"

There's already been a 'hint' though hasn't there.

Please, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your baby. Do not return.

Yes all good now!

[quote allshakenup1]@scotsllb they didn't say they would, they said they could. I honestly can't remember the exact wording, I felt like I was being punished for his crime by receiving the phone call from them, not realising it was a process. I do remember them saying they'd do an assessment if I did go back. In hindsight I should've asked what that entails but I didn't.
I absolutely would not be scared to call the police if it happened again. The Police have advised me that they've put a flag on our home address, should anything happen.

@AnaisNun I completely appreciate why you'd pick up on that. My point was that I've worked so bloody hard to provide a beautiful home and be in a place financially where I could afford to give DC a wonderful lifestyle. My home is my home and it's DDs home. I'm sad that I'm not there. My point is that, as a single mum, I would not be able to afford the home and the lifestyle that H and I would be able to provide together. It goes without saying that it would be better for me and DD to live safely away from a violent person.[/quote]
I think it's terrible that they make you feel like you are being punished for the abusers actions.
I know the system works that was but it seems so back to front putting the onus on a vulnerable abused woman to lose her kids instead coming down hard on the perpetrator and keeping them away instead.
Seems to make it's harder for women who feel they have to go back and end up hiding things.
Why does system not "punish" the perpetrator and SS visit them instead of piling all the responsibility on the woman

How long have you known him? What was the argument about? Did you argue a lot before he was violent? What do his friends think? And why hasn’t he moved out of your lovely house?

Op the assessment would involve things like them visiting you and the child, contacting relevant agencies for information (such as police for any history, health visitor etc). Then they would do an analysis of the risk. From that there would be an outcome depending on if/what they judge the risk to the child’s safety and well-being to be.

@scotsllb I suppose it’s because the child is worth the victim usually and usually they are the safe parent who can protect them.

You’re right though. It’s awful not more emphasis is put on intervention with the abusive person. Perpetrator programme seem to be hit and miss.

They won't take her from you, however they are relying on you to protect her from him. If you don't do that they will remove her from him, which sadly would include you. Basically there is an expectation you will put her first

[quote AIMD]@scotsllb I suppose it’s because the child is worth the victim usually and usually they are the safe parent who can protect them.

You’re right though. It’s awful not more emphasis is put on intervention with the abusive person. Perpetrator programme seem to be hit and miss.[/quote]
Yeah it makes sense but it's not enough. These folk just seem to get away with it and carry on their lives demanding access to their kids and having no authorities breathing down their necks.
Meanwhile the victim has to pay the price feeing punished and being left to pick up the pieces.

allshakenup1,
Try not to worry too much about social services involvement at this stage .
Anytime the police are called out or you report a DV to them and a minor ( child ) is involved they have to by Law send a report to Social Services to investigate .

@scotsllb yes I agree. It’s highly unfair.

I think lots of things feed keeping people trapped too, like difficult to access housing and long wait for benefits etc. They don’t make it easy for people to get away from their abusers either do they!

If you go back he will hit you again. Your daughter will see that abuse is acceptable in a relationship. She will be much more likely to stay in a relationship with an abuser.

@AurorasLighthouse that's terrifying. I'm so glad you're ok now.

@AIMD thank you very much. That's really helpful information.

I'm not sure you're really able to think clearly about this. You seem shocked and a bit put out that reporting dv to the police - something happened that was serious enough for you to do that- meant them passing this on to ss who have then warned you about the need to protect your dd from harm. That means emotional as well as physical harm - and growing up with dv is emotionally harmful.
Your dd is much too young to have any ability to protect herself - she is completely dependent on you to keep her safe. That us why ss are concerned. If yiu take her back into the same situation they will want to assess the risks to her and depending on their assessment may or may not take further action to ensure her wellbeing.
I think you need to take this v seriously - for both yourself and dd.

The threat is there because their priority is to safeguard the child from an abusive parent. If the abused parent wants to go back then the rist is theirs but SS will take on the role of safeguarding the child, as both parents are failing to do so. Not cruel or unfair. Just putting the child first.

@NoCureForLove I just assumed that it would go without saying that I would do anything to keep my DD safe.

I haven't said that I will go back. I haven't even said I want to. I'm just exploring all thoughts right now. I'm desperately sad that the marriage I thought was forever, with a man I thought was kind and generous and loving, has taken this path.

My daughter is my priority. Her happiness and welfare, to me, comes before anything

@ScottishStottie

The threat is there because their priority is to safeguard the child from an abusive parent. If the abused parent wants to go back then the rist is theirs but SS will take on the role of safeguarding the child, as both parents are failing to do so. Not cruel or unfair. Just putting the child first.

I completely appreciate that. As I've mentioned throughout the thread, I didn't know the process. I don't know whether there is support or not.

I don't think it 'goes without saying' at all. I think it needs saying.

I left after the pushing and shoving became more frequent and the verbal abuse became unrelenting screaming at me non-stop - prolonged rants that made no sense from an angry man who was constantly being set off by the slightest of things. He'd started smashing up more and more of the things that I'd bought and paid for.

About a year after I left he was arrested for physically assaulting his female friend/FWB/? once and faced justice for that.

I wish I'd left after the first incident when he lost his temper but couples don't always agree. The first time I was shoved feels minor now but it slowly escalated. I gradually started living with ever increasing amounts of abuse. Because I wasn't being hit I didn't realise it was DA.

I was shoved into furniture and bruised my back, I was shoved into the gate and bruised my stomach. I was shoved over and scraped my leg on the concrete in the back garden.

I couldn't disagree with him and I had to back down or else he'd lose it. He'd stop me leaving rooms so I couldn't escape. He would try to aggressively persuade me into allowing stupid decisions to be made where I was the one taking all the risks.

It's been several years and I still haven't fully recovered. There were other issues as well - cheating, financial abuse, SA and other stuff I don't want to talk about. I had PTSD with flashbacks. I still get them at raised voices sometimes.

I did the freedom programme and met many woman who'd experienced DV. I work with people that have experienced/are experiencing DV. How you respond to the first incidence is critical.

Something happened (that you are keeping very vague about) that warrented you needing to call the police. And was enough that the police took it seriously and reported to SS. You are now 'heartbroken' and regret your actions.

I dont think it goes without saying that you are safeguarding your child at all.