SS's stance on reconciling after DV *trigger warning*

[allshakenup1]

Obviously name changed for this. Apologies if this is the wrong location - please let me know if there is a better place.

I fled with my baby (10.5 months) after a DV incident a month or so ago. Although completely and utterly wrong, it was a minor incident (pushing, shoving) and I felt compelled to report it because I was so shaken up.

I had a call from SS, which naively, I didn't expect and it completely terrified me - they advised me in no uncertain terms that my baby could be taken if I resumed the relationship.

At the time I had absolutely no intention to, however, I do trust that it won't happen again. My husband is devastated and is seeking help for his actions. I'm missing him dreadfully and so is my DD. I want to keep my family together but I'm so terrified that if I do, my DD could be taken away from me. She's breastfed and has never, ever been away from me before. She's an awful sleeper and has co-slept, practically in my arms, since she was 3 days old. I'm so devastated. I don't know what to do for the best.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare - however, I want my family. It was a horrid row that went awfully wrong. He's a fantastic father and generally a fantastic husband. I feel I acted rash in going to the Police and I feel like I've failed DD by separating her from her father.

If I was to go back, could SS take her? Surely they'd want to keep families together and work with them? I'm terrified.

Just to add - my husband is in no way controlling or coercive. I do not feel pressured to go back and this is 100% my independent thought.

There were many times I was on the verge of leaving but he had 'panic attacks/asthma attacks, depression' and threatened suicide. There were many empty promises of change and altered behaviour for a few weeks. It never lasted. I needed space. I needed to be apart from him and stay apart from him whilst he sorted himself out. He insisted he needed me there with him to support him. He never sorted out any help out for himself.

This is my experience. I grew up in a volatile, abusive home and have degrees, worked in academia. I wasn't punched, slapped or kicked but I didn't feel safe.

I don't know your circumstances, maybe it is a one off with your partner, maybe he will sort himself out and you can eventually get back together. I would recommend that you spend time apart and don't rush into getting back together too soon. You need to be sure he really has changed and that it won't ever happen again.

The current world circumstances make things a lot worse than normal. People are struggling but I still wouldn't let that be an excuse.

I feel rotten for being harsh. I hate a "theyre all the same"mindset. ...
Not as much as i hate myself for what rapidly turned into 3 years of brutality and torment-cos of my "wanting it like before". Itd be ridiculous to expect anyone else to learn from my(non stop,continuous,ridiculous backcatalog)mistakes.

i dont want to ruin anyones day. Perhaps developing support network and a bit independence would benefit you-whether go back orr not?x

Perhaps it would be useful if you moved back into the family home and your husband moved out?

I think it's great you've started this thread and are working through all the thoughts in your head. You've had a horrendous shock, on top of a crap year with lockdowns and the sheer hard slog of being a new mum. Be kind to yourself - this isn't something you're going to work out in 30 minutes and your head must be absolutely scrambled.

And sometimes, as parents we have to make decisions that we're not always sure are right for us or what our heart wants to do, but they're the right one for your children. Trust your gut instinct.

OP

I need to tell you that I truly believe what I'm about to say:

Men who are not violent will not lay hands on you in an argument. Ever.

My dp had a very traumatic and abusive childhood, all perpetrared by his adoptive mother. He then had an abusive and controlling first long term relationship. He has had issues in the past with self medication and outbursts of anger or emotion.

He has STILL never laid hands on me. No pushing, shoving, intimidation, making me feel scared, anything. 8 years, 3 dc and a few serious arguments over the course of our relationship, and he has still never come close to making me feel like he would ever hurt me or even make me feel like he might.

Because he is a decent man. I honestly don't believe men who can be violent toward women in any way can truly change without serious intervention and even then I honestly don't know.

The point is though, objectively your dh is following a sadly very typical pattern. Beginning violence once you are "trapped" by the fact you have a baby with him. To the point where you felt the need to report it. It's not normal, it's not reconcilable and the liklihood that it will never happen again is very slim.

Many women believe that their dp is different or that their circumstances are not the same as these other women. I really think you need to try and view this from an outsider's perspective. Violence towards a partner is never ever acceptable. You can find someone not like this. Your DD will not benefit from you being with him.

Think about it. He is devastated because you have reported it and left him. Would he have been truly remorseful if you had kept quiet? And then what, you alter your behaviour to try and avoid angering him because you know violence is a potential reaction from him?

I truly hope you continue to see the situation for what it is and separate your life from this man. Good luck

And OP sorry I just read one of your updates where you said you witnessed abuse as a child.

Unfortunately this again is following a patter seen in victims of abuse. I really really understand that you miss him, but it's just not worth it for your DD. It's all avoidable and I know it's hard but it is honestly such a red flad that he would do this at all. Please, please do not go back. You will get over him but your DD would not get over growing up in an abusive home. It's not worth the risk

I worked for 4 years in social cares legal department and to be honest while they might put plans in place from my experience there is an equal chance they will just look to go to court for removal. The evidence around DV being dangerous for children is pretty concrete and it doesn't really ever just happen once. Sorry I know it's not what you wan to hear, I saw so many women in your position who lost their babies because they didn't think it would happen and believed "he's changed"

I'm so devastated. I don't know what to do for the best.

You don't go back to him obviously.

If I was to go back, could SS take her? Surely they'd want to keep families together and work with them? I'm terrified.

They have already told you that they could.

@allshakenup1

My original question remains - would SS put plans in place to support us asa family, or would they just step in and take her?

I am absolutely not saying I'm going to go back. I haven't said that to him, to my family, to anyone. It's the middle of the night, my lovely dd is laid in my arms and my mind is racing.

Yes. Social services can make an emergency ex parte application to court for custody of the child. They don't tell you they are doing so in case you flee.

You will lose your daughter if you return to this man. Ss do not tell you this unless there is real concern for your child's safety.

You do not matter as you can make your own decision, your daughter cannot protect herself so she does matter.

don't know whether there is support or not.

Its very frustrating reading all your posts OP. Social services are not magicians. They can't watch famies 24/7 to make sure the children are safe, that is your job as her parent. If you insist on returning to a situation that could put your child at risk, then yes, they could remove her because they can't be in your home to protect her.
What kind of support are you expecting?

And just to add a couple of points:

With respect, you cannot guarantee that he will not do this. Regardless of what you say and what he says, it is not possible (or even rational at this point) to conclude that this will not happen again.

Secondly, my understanding is that SS rarely remove children, but one of the few circumstances that they will do this in is if their mother refuses to protect them from abusive homes.

What @Iminaglasscasefullofemotion said.
The more you say the more concerned I feel that you don't see this as others are seeing it op. I think you need to recognise that your own childhood experiences of dv and trauma have really damaged your abilty to assess risk - for yourself and your baby.

It's really interesting that you are blaming your 'fight or flight triggers caused by previous experiences' for having contacted the police, without recognising that actually calling the police is what any reasonable person would do after having been assaulted by their partner.

You are scrabbling around for external factors to attribute and aportion blame and responsibility to, rather than your DH. Your comment about not feeling supported by the authorities...what support do you hope that social services or the police would provide? It's a genuine question as I can't think of anything that they could be expected to do. You did not want to progress your complaint about your DH with the police, this would have been a way in which you could have been supported by the police. SS aren't going to support you resuming your relationship with DH, is this really what you hope them to do, deep down?

Has DH supported his family by enrolling on a DV perpetrator programme? An anger management course?

So he was a "fantastic father and fantastic husband" whilst also being so abusive that you left and reported him to the police & SS. SS are so concerned that they will consider taking your child into care if you go back to him.

Obviously not all of this can be true.
Where is your child safest?
With one or both parents?

One strike & you're out with violence I'm afraid. These type of abusers often show their true colours when their DP is pregnant or has a baby for some reason. Mine did. I stupidly stayed far too long. You've done the right thing in getting out, but now he needs to get out & show if he really means what he says.

In most cases, this is where they again show their true colours & turn really nasty. Mine refused to leave the house & I had nowhere to go so was stuck there not knowing if he'd be back from one day to the next. I hope it doesn't happen to you, but be prepared for the nastiness to begin. The reluctance to pay a fair divorce settlement. The sudden desire to have 50/50 care to avoid paying maintenance while barely shelling out a penny on anything but basic cheap food for DC while mum covers everything else. Are you friendly with anyone in his family? Mum, Sister etc? You could do with an ally on your side there. You can do this!

I'm sorry to all of you who have personal experiences to say

I promise I'm not minimising this behaviour- I'm trying to make sense of it in my head. I'm on the second chapter of the Freedom Programme and I do not recognise his personality or day to day behaviour in the character types. I appreciate that DA is all about power and control however until this happened, I do not believe it was an abusive marriage.

However, he was violent. It scared me. However out of character it was, it still happened and it was his choice. I did what I believed to be the right thing by calling the police. I acted on the best interests of DD and I.

As much as I despise him for what he's done and for breaking up our family, part of me still loves him and I'm aching and breaking. Surely that's normal? Again I'm not saying I want to reconcile, as I don't.

If I was to move back, I'd know that I'd have the full support of "his" family. I'm really lucky to have kind, lovely ILs who are supportive of DD and I. They're appalled by what's happened, disgusted with their son and brother.

I would advise you to seek support from your local domestic abuse service, they will be able to talk all of this through with you. The freedom programme is avaliable online if they do not offer it, and there is also a version perpetrators can do. I would complete that before you make your decision.

Bit OP, again, what ‘support’ do you think ‘his’ family can provide?

They won’t be there 24/7. They can’t protect your daughter. That’s YOUR job. What has tour DH done to strip this happening in the future? Has he had counselling? Anger management classes? No. NOTHING. All he’s done is give you pretty words.

The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is NONE. You are looking for ways to go back to this man.

Crazy.

Thank you Holland. I have the online version and I am currently working my way through it.

@CatsGoPurrrr I am absolutely not wanting to go back to him. I have made that crystal clear!

I want my home. My DDs home. I feel I'm living in limbo, in an area where I don't have my friends, my job. I want to move back, with him out, to take back ownership of my life and move on. @FuckYouCorona mentioned his family, I was replying to her post. It would be unwise to move back to an area where I do not have a support network, would it not?

Besides the point but he is having counselling. I have already mentioned this once or twice.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare - however, I want my family.

These two aren't compatible OP. SS clearly do not feel it was an event that can be minimised or would have worked with you on how to stay safe in the marriage.

I think you're missing the idea of the life you had and grieving for the family life you wanted. The reality is that your life just hasn't worked out that way. This time. It is painful and you might benefit from therapy to help process all of this.

I agree with you @Jobsharenightmare however if you'd have read through the thread you'd understand that my OP was the result of a truly wobbly moment in the middle of the night, after nights of no sleep (baby and anxiety related).

I am very much grieving and I'm still in shock of what's happened. I do have an IDVA but I think counselling for myself might be a good idea - predominantly for this and because triggers from my childhood have been set off.

I've re-read the correspondence from SS - the wording is "we intend no further action. If you return to X area to resume your relationship please call us on 1234567." To me, this indicates support is there should I want it (which is not needed, because I absolutely won't be resuming a relationship).

I really appreciate the replies of the wonderful women on this thread and I'm glad I started it but I am perhaps thinking of closing this and starting a different one as I don't want replies to be on the basis of a wobbly moment. I'm sure it's normal to wobble? It's not a sign of weakness or not putting DD first but just that I'm human and I'm having a shit time.

It might be obvious, it might not, but DD only had one wake up last night which is unheard of and I actually managed to get a few hours sleep too so today I'm feeling the best I've felt in a long time

He's a fantastic father and generally a fantastic husband

With violent tendencies if crossed. Yep. Ticks all the boxes for fantastic father and husband.

Your boundaries are set so low they're practically subterranean. Be a good example to your daughter so that she doesn't grow up believing this to be normal behaviour like you obviously do.

You said you'd leave at the hint of violence. OP there wasnt a hint, he WAS violent, and you're thinking of going back. Do you not see how nuts that is.

If you are insisting on going back, talk to ss about what you need to do. They will advise you on safeguarding you and your dc, what steps you need to take and what your DH needs to do to satisfy them. But it will likely be a while before they stop being involved, expect weekly and monthly visits from them. Your child will likely be out on the 'at risk register' due to previous DV.