SS's stance on reconciling after DV *trigger warning*

[allshakenup1]

Obviously name changed for this. Apologies if this is the wrong location - please let me know if there is a better place.

I fled with my baby (10.5 months) after a DV incident a month or so ago. Although completely and utterly wrong, it was a minor incident (pushing, shoving) and I felt compelled to report it because I was so shaken up.

I had a call from SS, which naively, I didn't expect and it completely terrified me - they advised me in no uncertain terms that my baby could be taken if I resumed the relationship.

At the time I had absolutely no intention to, however, I do trust that it won't happen again. My husband is devastated and is seeking help for his actions. I'm missing him dreadfully and so is my DD. I want to keep my family together but I'm so terrified that if I do, my DD could be taken away from me. She's breastfed and has never, ever been away from me before. She's an awful sleeper and has co-slept, practically in my arms, since she was 3 days old. I'm so devastated. I don't know what to do for the best.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare - however, I want my family. It was a horrid row that went awfully wrong. He's a fantastic father and generally a fantastic husband. I feel I acted rash in going to the Police and I feel like I've failed DD by separating her from her father.

If I was to go back, could SS take her? Surely they'd want to keep families together and work with them? I'm terrified.

Just to add - my husband is in no way controlling or coercive. I do not feel pressured to go back and this is 100% my independent thought.

Hey@allshakenup1 if it wasn't that bad, why did you phone the police?

You say it's minor retrospectively, but it wasn't minor at the time or you wouldn't have called for help.

And that's the way SS will see it, as they should.

A woman calls for help. She needs help.

It's well known that a retrospective rescinding is just that.

You needed help because the man you are with behaved in such a way that made you call for help.

It might seem difficult now that things have calmed down to follow through. But you have to remember why you called for that help.

My original question remains - would SS put plans in place to support us asa family, or would they just step in and take her?

I am absolutely not saying I'm going to go back. I haven't said that to him, to my family, to anyone. It's the middle of the night, my lovely dd is laid in my arms and my mind is racing.

what do your family think? they're your support network, are you staying with them now?
I wouldn't go back, you and your DD deserve a man who doesn't push you around or scare you enough to call the police, not someone who has a nice house.

@ShrikeAttack that's helpful, thank you. I totally agree a cry for help should result in help. By reporting it, I naively didn't think that SS would be involved. I just wondered if there was any support for families in this situation or whether they'd just swoop in and take her.

I was so angry at the time. So angry. And now I'm just beyond heartbroken.

@heuchterteuchter my family were totally shocked and appalled. They really thought he was the last person responsible for anything like that - he's usually so kind and gentle. They are supportive of me going back, in theory, but it's not something I've actively discussed with them or planned to do.

has he been charged or cautuioned or anything

they automatically contact ss when there are dc involved

@GabsAlot no. I made it clear I didn't want to press charges.

I understand that now.

I'm very surprised that SS told you they would remove your child if you went back. That's a huge leap and not something they can just say off the bat. Procedure etc must be initiated first.
I do think it's good it's got you thinking though.
Violence he already occurred so why risk it happening again?
Would you be scared to call the police if he was violent again?
I can completely understand how tough this is for you and once the dust has settled it is easy to downplay.
Everyone has different boundaries and levels they will tolerate but with a child here now you have to be so careful.
Next time might never happen or it could be worse

OP I know you’re in a difficult place but this is what you said- maybe you don’t realise how telling it is:

“ I feel like it was a terrible mistake reporting something so minor and my dd is missing out on a wonderful home we worked so hard to buy, a lovely lifestyle, two adoring parents“.

Why did the house and lifestyle even come to mind in this situation?

As a child who grew up in a very violent household, and as a woman who is herself now a single parent because of one minor incident not dissimilar to the one you describe- the house and lifestyle never crossed my mind WRT what my son might be missing when we left his dad.

I think that the fact the house and lifestyle is even coming to mind, poss says quite a lot about your relationship - you’re factoring these in as pros - why? Are there not enough good things to talk about solely focusing on your husband? Is he not enough by himself? (If he’s been violent I would say absolutely not- maybe that’s where you’re going and just don’t realise yet?)

IME if you go back now then what you are saying is that what happened was acceptable. Either he's abusive and it will escalate, or he never does it again but you and SS always wonder if it might happen. They can take a child for risk of future harm. He has already been violent, they don't have to agree with you.

I went back and it escalated. SS were already putting things in place to remove my children. That was regarding two incidents of domestic violence, of the pushing/shoving variety but their reason was risk of future harm. When I left him they quickly faded into the background again.

Does he shout at you, lose his temper with you? Has he ever damaged anything in the house in anger? Have you ever changed your own behaviour to make sure he's not upset by you? Walked on eggshells?

My guess is that if you're honest with yourself, the answer to some of the above is yes. If you were so shaken up that you made that call, bearing in mind the number of times women are abused before they seek help, then you were very scared by his actions. Your really do need to reflect on this for your and your daughter's sake.

When you say SS are involved. Did they just give you a brief call or are they doing an assessment?

[quote allshakenup1]@ShrikeAttack that's helpful, thank you. I totally agree a cry for help should result in help. By reporting it, I naively didn't think that SS would be involved. I just wondered if there was any support for families in this situation or whether they'd just swoop in and take her.

I was so angry at the time. So angry. And now I'm just beyond heartbroken.[/quote]
My advice as a domestic violence survivor is to stay angry. And use that anger to change your life and remove yourself and your baby from any possibility of growing up in an abusive household.

Oh love, whatever happens YOU have not failed your family. You did nothing wrong.

Truthfully, SS will have concerns. I can't promise the outcome, no one can. But if you can be very explicit about what you would do at the slightest sign of any further violence and why you wouldn't allow your daughter to be exposed to that. If you're open and work with them. If your husband is open, remorseful, has no previous history and engages in all the support offered to him. Then they'll work to support you.

Don't make your decision on the basis of SS. Make it on the whether you would be happy for your daughter to return to same kind of relationship. You can always contact SS and say you're considering going back and how could you do that without them having concerns for your daughter.

Please do have a plan and always have a back up if you do return OP. Sadly DV often escalates. My dad was entirely heartbroken and remorseful the first time he hurt my mum. He sought therapy, swore he would change, said he was devastated. And then he hit her again. And swore he would change again. Just as he did every time. He nearly killed her before she eventually left.

NEVER think you are failing your family by protecting yourself. My mum leaving is the strongest bravest thing she could have ever done, I love her eternally for this. She's my hero and always will be.

Has he looked into anger management courses? Ignoring any SS involvement, what has he actually done to prove to you that he is repentant and dealing with issues? Other than being all sad and saying im sorry?

I dont imagine SS would take her off you on this alone but they would keep a VERY CLOSE eye on you. They would have very valid doubt that you arent prioritising her safety over getting back with your ex so of course they wouldnt just go 'oh well he made a mistake, good luck!' And wave you off smiling...

I’m sorry but I believe no decent man would push or shove their partner. You say everyone makes mistakes I agree but not that... My partner would never push or shove me no matter how bad an argument was. A normal relationship should never go physical. You have minimised it as it’s not as bad as abuse you witnessed when you were a child but it is still not normal. No matter how angry I get with anyone I would never push them in anger- partner, sibling, parent it’s not going to happen no matter how angry they made me. The same should be for your partner, the fact he did shows he doesn’t have constraint. Shoving in a relationship is not normal that’s why social services are involved.

OP: what’s to be gained by going back now? Seriously, if you are a perfect couple and he’s fine to be around, it will still be that way in 2 months, but in that time he can prove that he has done serious work (therapy, anger manegenbr, etc) to show it won’t happen again.

How long ago was this incident?

OP, could you not ask SS directly what they will do if you go back?

My dd was in an abusive relationship with the father of her child. He has anger issues and attacked her when the baby was two months old. If she hadn't separated from him then, I personally would have called SS to have the baby removed from them. Fortunately she did separate from him but gave him quite a few opportunities to spend time with dgd but his lack of control of his anger always got the better of him.

Maybe if your husband got counselling, enrolled in anger management or something like that, SS would have a better opinion of you risking your child to return to him.

Him being very apologetic and upset about what happened is not evidence that it will not happen again, in fact it’s exactly what abusers do too. If you go back now you risk putting him in a position of strength where he knows you will be scared to call again.

You needed at that time to go to the police. That is significant that you felt that scared. You may not be describing here the full description of what he did but that is minimizing what he did which is more than pushing and shoving. I am sure you had to leave the situation before it got worse. You love this man and you are trying to work out the trade-off between what you would be giving up/security and the behaviour's possibility of being repeated. His actions should speak much louder than his words. Would he speak to somebody professional about the problem with his anger or is he ignoring it and not taking responsibilty? Talk is easy but carrying things through on his part is a different situation. you have a child to think about as priority and not his feelings. Once a child comes along their welfare is parmount to the needs of the couple.

it took social services 4 years to get my neighbour into a kids home and that child was being badly abused daily.
go home and have a lovely Christmas. everyone makes mistakes and you're in a better position to judge your partner than SS are.

But also be wary of running to the authorities. In my own experience they tend to make minor matters worse.

Also take this as a very real red flag and don't keep running back.
but don't worry about your baby. I'm sure you know whats best

@scotsllb they didn't say they would, they said they could. I honestly can't remember the exact wording, I felt like I was being punished for his crime by receiving the phone call from them, not realising it was a process. I do remember them saying they'd do an assessment if I did go back. In hindsight I should've asked what that entails but I didn't.
I absolutely would not be scared to call the police if it happened again. The Police have advised me that they've put a flag on our home address, should anything happen.

@AnaisNun I completely appreciate why you'd pick up on that. My point was that I've worked so bloody hard to provide a beautiful home and be in a place financially where I could afford to give DC a wonderful lifestyle. My home is my home and it's DDs home. I'm sad that I'm not there. My point is that, as a single mum, I would not be able to afford the home and the lifestyle that H and I would be able to provide together. It goes without saying that it would be better for me and DD to live safely away from a violent person.

Fantastic husbands and fathers don't assault their partners. A mistake is forgetting to order the grocery delivery or getting the wrong type of cereal by accident, not purposefully and intentionally assaulting your partner.

I get that this is part of the cycle of abuse that you perhaps have lost insight to this. Contact Women's Aid would be my suggestion if you haven't already.

I was a child in a similar situation. OP you need to continue to prioritise your child.

I don't know what SW would do, but their thoughts too will be on prioritising your child.

What steps has your ex taken to address his behaviour?