SS's stance on reconciling after DV *trigger warning*

[allshakenup1]

Obviously name changed for this. Apologies if this is the wrong location - please let me know if there is a better place.

I fled with my baby (10.5 months) after a DV incident a month or so ago. Although completely and utterly wrong, it was a minor incident (pushing, shoving) and I felt compelled to report it because I was so shaken up.

I had a call from SS, which naively, I didn't expect and it completely terrified me - they advised me in no uncertain terms that my baby could be taken if I resumed the relationship.

At the time I had absolutely no intention to, however, I do trust that it won't happen again. My husband is devastated and is seeking help for his actions. I'm missing him dreadfully and so is my DD. I want to keep my family together but I'm so terrified that if I do, my DD could be taken away from me. She's breastfed and has never, ever been away from me before. She's an awful sleeper and has co-slept, practically in my arms, since she was 3 days old. I'm so devastated. I don't know what to do for the best.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance I would do anything at all to jeopardise my DDs welfare - however, I want my family. It was a horrid row that went awfully wrong. He's a fantastic father and generally a fantastic husband. I feel I acted rash in going to the Police and I feel like I've failed DD by separating her from her father.

If I was to go back, could SS take her? Surely they'd want to keep families together and work with them? I'm terrified.

Just to add - my husband is in no way controlling or coercive. I do not feel pressured to go back and this is 100% my independent thought.

I am glad you are not contemplating going back to him. If you do, he will do it again and it will be worse and worse next time, and the next. But the difference will be that you won't report it for fearing of losing DD, and he will know he can get away with anything.

As PP have said, good men do not get violent with women. Ever. And that is the message your DD needs to grow up believing, too.

Also- be very wary of treating SS as a source of "support," OP.

@allshakenup1

I agree with you *@Jobsharenightmare* however if you'd have read through the thread you'd understand that my OP was the result of a truly wobbly moment in the middle of the night, after nights of no sleep (baby and anxiety related).

I am very much grieving and I'm still in shock of what's happened. I do have an IDVA but I think counselling for myself might be a good idea - predominantly for this and because triggers from my childhood have been set off.

I've re-read the correspondence from SS - the wording is "we intend no further action. If you return to X area to resume your relationship please call us on 1234567." To me, this indicates support is there should I want it (which is not needed, because I absolutely won't be resuming a relationship).

I really appreciate the replies of the wonderful women on this thread and I'm glad I started it but I am perhaps thinking of closing this and starting a different one as I don't want replies to be on the basis of a wobbly moment. I'm sure it's normal to wobble? It's not a sign of weakness or not putting DD first but just that I'm human and I'm having a shit time.

You're right, it is perfectly normal to have moments where you wobble. Well done for reflecting on your situation so well and hearing what others have said on this thread. It's a horrendous situation to be in and you are doing really well. And I promise that things will get better.

@PoppyOppy have you read the thread? That's really unkind and quite unfair.

@BurtsBeesKnees that's useful to know, thank you. It's nuts to consider going back to him - and in the broad light of day, on more than an hours' worth of sleep, absolutely the last thing on my mind, as I've reiterated throughout the thread.

@hadesinahalfahell thank you so much. That's exactly what I needed to hear it's really, really tough and I can't guarantee that I'm not going to wobble every now and then. It's the run up to Christmas and I know things will be different this year anyway, but we always had such fun and we were so looking forward to having a wonderful time with DD. I hate him so much for ruining this (amongst everything else of course, before someone jumps on and snipes at me).

It's a shame that you think people are sniping at you op. I think people are concerned for you and your baby.

I wasn't judging you at all. I was saying you are in pain and suggesting you get support to help you.

Of course it's normal to have a wobble. It's also normal for people to re-enact patterns from early childhood and fall into similar relationships again and again. That's why the Freedom Programme you're doing is such a good place to start.

OP, I am so sorry he did that to you.

A work colleague of mine was in a very similar situation. She didn't go back to him.

Same thing - he stayed in the home and she went to live with parents.

In the end she and her children moved back into the home and he moved out to a friends house. Somehow SS became aware that they had moved back to the area (eldest nursery I think) and for a while we're like a dog with a bone assuming that she had resumed the relationship. Unfortunately he was just starting with friends while he looked for a rental so no paper trail with contract.

She had to jump through a lot of hoops to pro eve that the relationship was over and he wasn't living there.

If I were you, I would start divorce proceedings ASAP and before you arrange to move back into you home. Make sure he has a rental contract/new council tax in place so you can prove that he's moved out. Then I would probably inform them that you have moved back into your home, and send them documents to prove he's moved out and that you have started divorce. Then there can be no ambiguity.

If you return to X area to resume your relationship please call us on 1234567." To me, this indicates support is there should I want it (which is not needed, because I absolutely won't be resuming a relationship)

I would read that as they want to know if you resume relationship so they can monitor your DD.