Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

Dont resign. What help is your dh getting to deal with his issues ?

Could you afford to send two dc to a childminder and have one stay home with your husband during the times they’re not at school? That would reduce the cost and the need for your Dh to manage fighting. Could you try to get a pay rise to afford care for your dc when they can’t go to care. Could you share a babysitter with another family on some occasions to reduce the cost? think it would be very unwise to quit your job. I think it would be very unwise to quit your job given you are really the sole provider for a family of 5.

To all the people saying no-one will take 3, they don't need to.

I have 3 of similar ages, and remove any one from the equation and life gets a lot simpler. If someone could take, say, the 5 year old for a few days, then the father could more easily manage, or at least have one with a screen while he does something with the other.

Even without close friends, there are virtually guaranteed to be mums at school who would take one child over an unusual holiday without a holiday club, knowing of this predicament. I would.

Well you have the problem of the DP who may well be very ill but does not seem to be trying to pull as a team or offer other solutions. My friend has debilitating MS and still manages to WFH and supervise her young children so it is possible to do this even with serious health and mental health pressures.
If you are not willing to see how his illness will affect your lives and this is this thing that needs attention then yes I would resign.
You will end up bring his carer as well as your children and I’m not saying that you should not support him it all depends on how you see this long term and what he intends to do to improve his health and well-being to support the family too.

OP this sounds so similar to the house I grew up in.

My DM bounced between shitty PT jobs for our entire childhood lasting just long enough to stop us losing the house/starving before my DF totally imploded and she had to quit for a while. It was an awful life for her, full of stress and financial pressure until we weren’t kids anymore.

DF was both physically and mentally unwell. He couldn’t deal with noise/stress/us arguing or fighting...etc. What it boiled down to was he was a shit parent. Everything that comes with small children ‘triggered’ him and being left with him (although the only option at the time) was both miserable and dangerous.

I don’t know what to suggest in your situation OP other than I would not leave your children with an incapable care giver whilst you work. I’m unsure of the financial implications but I know I ALWAYS wished my DM would have divorced my DF as he was nothing but a total deadweight on our lives and DM got a lot less financial help and social support because he was ‘there’, despite being totally useless.

He was surprisingly capable of doing the things he really enjoyed/wanted to and would manage several hours of those things claiming it was a ‘good day’, surprisingly the moment DM asked him to do something he didn’t want to he took a turn for the worse and had to retire to bed!

I still don’t like him. I’m in my late twenties with kids of my own and hardly see him despite seeing DM daily. They’re still married

Everything is so vague it’s hard to work out if your
Dh is being unreasonable or not but certainly it does sound like he needs to cope better with the children as a whole. I have severe disabilities- lupus, sjorgens, addisons, asthma, anaemia, kidney issues etc, I’m on the highest levels of PIP indefinitely and I still manage to care for ds aged 8 - and have done since he was a baby obviously and wasn’t at school...! And ds has complex needs and attends complex needs school. Dh works full time. We just have to manage. We need the money. I have good days and bad days and yes holidays etc are really difficult. We have a lot of iPad time! But we just muddle through. If your Dh wants things to work he’s going to have to. Giving up your job is ridiculously extreme.

Please do not resign. I know its hard but when you get older you will need the pension and now you need some money coming in. If your DP can work this job then he can care for the children. I know looking after children is hard work but we've all done it or are doing it when we are unwell including those of us with lifelong illnesses. If he refuses to do so I would be considering going it alone

DF was both physically and mentally unwell. He couldn’t deal with noise/stress/us arguing or fighting...etc. What it boiled down to was he was a shit parent. Everything that comes with small children ‘triggered’ him and being left with him (although the only option at the time) was both miserable and dangerous.

@Pumpertrumper

Your post has made me cry as it's exactly how things feel at the moment.

I would be tempted to do some research into what kind of extra help/benefits etc. I could be entitled to as a single parent, and making preparations towards leaving him, if it turned out that going it alone would be a better deal for the children.

I feel sorry for the OP's husband but he sounds like a drag on the family and I would put my kids first.

It's funny how as women we are never allowed or expected to just kinda "opt-out" of parenting when we're struggling. I know several mums who have mental and physical issues--they talk to friends and work out strategies, build a support network to help them get through. They don't say to their husbands "Oh sorry. I 'can't watch' the kids, love. It triggers me. You'll have to quit your job."

Do you think your problem will be resolved if your husband was not in your life? I feel that you should not give up your job because you’re jeopardising your future. At some stage your kids will be much older and not need childcare and if you’ve been out of the job market for a long time what will you do then. You will have no security. Your husband needs to grow up I think.

How flexible is your employer?

I wasn't in a similar position financially, because my husband worked full time, but I was in a similar position in the sense that I was always the one expected to take time off during school holidays or if the children were ill. That wasn't uncommon then and there were no holiday clubs in those days. I had a childminder for before and after school, but I knew that she didn't want to have my children during the day during the holidays.

I negotiated a term-time only contract with my employer: increasing my weekly hours so that my pay stayed the same. Obviously it will depend on the type of work you do, but as you work 4 days a week I wonder if there is scope for you to work a 5th, in return for more holiday? If not, would working a 5th day increase your income so that you could pay for childcare when necessary?

If your employer won't be prepared to allow this, it might be worth looking round for another job where flexible working would be more possible. Often the public sector is more flexible. I appreciate of course that this isn't the ideal time to be looking for a new job, but I'd start looking around for something which allows more flexibility.

Until then, don't hand in your notice! Good luck.

Please don't quit your job, that's going to make it worse not better. Get him to investigate PIP, Universal credit, consult CAB etc. Sorry OP, he sounds like he's actually making things worse by being there but dependent. He and you might be better off living apart.

Op what exactly do you get out of being with him?

I don't wish to be cruel and I don't expect you to divulge any more than your comfortable with but are you sure these 'illnesses' are genuine?

It's just that he sound unwilling rather than incapable to me.

I have mental health issues and working is far far easier than looking after my three children alone. Is your dh receiving treatment for his mental health? cbt and medication together can help his anxious thought and reactions to your childrens normal behaviour.

In the meantime OP talk to your boss, ask for some short term flexibility even if you have to use unpaid leave or steal some from next year. It would be short sighted to quit if you are the breadwinner.

I wondered whether your DP has seen the GP. Is there any other help they can give him to reduce the anxiety?

In terms of this: When my dc play fight I often leave them to it and it's just a bit of fun. Dp however panics and convinces himself they will become seriously hurt . if they so much as push each other dp feels the need to intervene and this will cause more problems. Something that needs addressing.
He also cannot bear screaming and high pitched noise. I have told the dc this but they sometimes forget.

I actually feel the same as your DP. Play fighting is not something we allowed (nerd guns yes, hitting each other or pretending to - no) as people CAN get hurt. If you had a consistent family rule of 'no play fighting' that would help. It may be that your kids are getting mixed message. Same with screaming. I have sensory sensitivities and can't bear children screaming, singing when I'm doing things or making repetitive noises. And mine don't as it was a consistent message at all times (they can sing in their bedroom with the door shut, just not in the kitchen when I'm cooking). I wonder if there are some changes you can make which will make it easier for your DP to manage the children? Perhaps he could also take the kids on the 20 min walks with him. Would be good for their wellbeing too?

@Pumpertrumper

OP this sounds so similar to the house I grew up in.

My DM bounced between shitty PT jobs for our entire childhood lasting just long enough to stop us losing the house/starving before my DF totally imploded and she had to quit for a while. It was an awful life for her, full of stress and financial pressure until we weren’t kids anymore.

DF was both physically and mentally unwell. He couldn’t deal with noise/stress/us arguing or fighting...etc. What it boiled down to was he was a shit parent. Everything that comes with small children ‘triggered’ him and being left with him (although the only option at the time) was both miserable and dangerous.

I don’t know what to suggest in your situation OP other than I would not leave your children with an incapable care giver whilst you work. I’m unsure of the financial implications but I know I ALWAYS wished my DM would have divorced my DF as he was nothing but a total deadweight on our lives and DM got a lot less financial help and social support because he was ‘there’, despite being totally useless.

He was surprisingly capable of doing the things he really enjoyed/wanted to and would manage several hours of those things claiming it was a ‘good day’, surprisingly the moment DM asked him to do something he didn’t want to he took a turn for the worse and had to retire to bed!

I still don’t like him. I’m in my late twenties with kids of my own and hardly see him despite seeing DM daily. They’re still married

I am so happy that you shared this. My stbxh have split in extremely similar circumstances and I still have moments of doubt and wobbles because he truly loves our DCs (and me), but for his personal reasons cannot deal with being part of a family day to day, and I and the kids cannot deal with how he therefore behaves. Now we're separated he's a far better parent, but it also means that he keeps thinking we should give it another go, the kids say how much better he is, and it's good to get a reminder of how the long term really would be.

@cottonTailTrail

DF was both physically and mentally unwell. He couldn’t deal with noise/stress/us arguing or fighting...etc. What it boiled down to was he was a shit parent. Everything that comes with small children ‘triggered’ him and being left with him (although the only option at the time) was both miserable and dangerous.

@Pumpertrumper

Your post has made me cry as it's exactly how things feel at the moment.

But this is kind of sounding like your husband. It doesn't feel like his illnesses are very compatible with being a parent. It's not fair for your kids to be tip toeing around him. Was he like this prior to kids?

This sounds really hard but it's very hard to tell how much of your dp's needs around looking after the kids are essential and what are prefrences.

@cottonTailTrail

DF was both physically and mentally unwell. He couldn’t deal with noise/stress/us arguing or fighting...etc. What it boiled down to was he was a shit parent. Everything that comes with small children ‘triggered’ him and being left with him (although the only option at the time) was both miserable and dangerous.

@Pumpertrumper

Your post has made me cry as it's exactly how things feel at the moment.

Im really sorry, but if that is the case then Im afraid that, at the moment, you really would be crazy to give up your independance and job as it doesnt look as if it will make you happier to be at home or in a badly paid PT work just to step up where he cant/wont.

As otyhers say, it may be that, to give him the peace he needs to really address his health while the kids are small, you may be better being in seperate households. It may trigger the help he needs and some support, and you would be entitled to help pay for /work out childcare as would most likely get UC

We cannot afford a babysitter/child minder
If you’re doing inset days I presume you’re a teacher. If so then it’s worth maintaining your career in the long term even if you end up out of pocket in the short term. You may have to get into debt to cover childcare for a while but it’s worth it if that means you keep your job.

Alternatively DP needs to employ coping strategies. Earplugs. Noise cancelling headphones. I don’t think wanting to go out for a walk is a good reason for not looking after his DC. If he needs a walk then he can walk round and round the kitchen or the back garden for 20 minutes.

Another option would be to temporarily separate from DP. Then you’d both get benefits and extra support. You’re already basically a single mother but you’re not getting the government support for being one.

@cottonTailTrail
If Pumpertrumper's story has resonated with you, maybe we're getting to somewhere that some people can help advise you? Do you feel that your DP might be avoiding parenting responsibilities in the same way - whether consciously or subconsciously?
If you do, I would maybe think about heading over to Relationships to get some good advice about your options

You'll be plunging your children into poverty. Don't do it. He'll have to make it work.

Sounds harsh but assuming there's no light at the end of the tunnel and your DP isn't getting better, then is it really a relationship that's worth pursuing? If you're not married, can you cut your losses, ask him to leave and avail yourself of better financial support as a lone parent (assuming this would cover childcare costs more effectively)? You'd also be entitled to child maintenance.

I may be way off the mark and if may be a great relationship, but that's not the impression I'm getting.

You'd also be entitled to child maintenance.

From this guy?? Highly doubt OP would see a penny from him. He earns pocket money as a hobby. Guarantee you if OP left him he’d suddenly be too sick to work and would claim all those benefits he has failed to investigate so far and would be declared not responsible for child support. Guarantee it.

Don't give up your job. It'll set off a run of dominoes falling where things get worse still. Explore every single flexible working / work from home / taking leave option there is.

To people saying it looks like OP is a teacher, I assumed the Inset days referred to are the ones the kids are off school for, not her. So not necessarily.