@OverTheRubicon
I’m glad my post helped you. I honestly wish my mum had left him so good on you.
My DF ‘loves’ us I know that. He’s always said he would die for us and do jail time for us...etc and you know what, he probably would but neither of those things matter. Neither of those situations are a reality. You’re still a shit parent (and partner) if you’re incapable of picking your child up from school and feeding them dinner without completely losing your shit or one of them getting hurt.
@cottonTailTrail
I’m sorry OP but I had a feeling it would resonate with you as so much of your OP resonated with me.
My DF was selfish, incapable and useless simple as. Yes he was ‘unwell’ but so were several of the other mums at my school, physical disabilities, chronic illnesses...etc and they still did their best. I always remember my mum screaming at my dad one night after she’d had to leave a retail shift early. My 5 year old sibling had pulled the fish bowl over on himself (DF had been asleep on the sofa) and cracked his head. DF rang DM furiously at work basically to get her to tell my terrified and hurt sibling off!
He kept repeating how UNWELL he was and how he shouldn’t have had to pick us up in the first place as he ‘couldn’t cope’.
My mum just yelled ‘MANDY (not her actual name) IS HAVING CHEMO AND STILL PICKS HER KIDS UP!!
He should have been ashamed. Only DF was never ashamed, nor did he ever think he was wrong. He then blamed my sibling for having caused all the problems (yes the 5 year old).
When my mum was ill (rare because she was a total warrior) she still got up and got on most of the time. I’m afraid that good parents do their best regardless of their illness or ailments and yes maybe that’s a day in front of the TV or a lunch of cold sandwiches and crisps...but that’s fine.
What you’re talking about OP, is a parent who because of illness (physical and/or mental) has opted out of the practical hands on aspects of parenting and gifted themselves the entitlement to do so under the guise of ‘I’m unwell’.
They will never acknowledge the pressure that puts you under or really give you a break because it’s all about them, their illness, their MH, what they can/can’t ‘cope with’, what ‘triggers’ them!
My DM was an idiot to stay with him and I’ll always think that. Over the years he also blamed her a lot for things like ‘spending all the money’ ...(spoiler alert we never had any to start with). But this was because he preferred that version of reality to accepting that he was a useless provider and an even worse father.
My DF’s health (mental and physical) seemed to improve dramatically once my sibling and I were no longer annoying needy small children. In fact I’d go as far as to say 80% of his mental health issues were actually him not liking looking after or being around annoying small children.