Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

[gradetoolisted]

Hi OP- in our area holiday clubs are still running this year and local groups have done a collection to fund places for kids and families that might need support over the holidays whether for work reasons or due to food poverty. Those ‘free’ places have been advised to the council so definitely worth checking to see if your local authority knows of anything similar.

[RUOKHon]

“It's funny how as women we are never allowed or expected to just kinda "opt-out" of parenting when we're struggling. I know several mums who have mental and physical issues--they talk to friends and work out strategies, build a support network to help them get through. They don't say to their husbands "Oh sorry. I 'can't watch' the kids, love. It triggers me. You'll have to quit your job."

I know! I’ve been reading this thread thinking that if the roles were switched it would just seem ludicrous. OP do not quit your job. I would quit the husband before quitting your job. He’s a part of the family, he’s supposed to be on your team, you’re in this together they are his children too. He can’t just throw his hands up and say ‘it’s all too hard, you deal with it’. If he won’t get help to address his illnesses so that he can parent his children to the bare minimum standard, then as far as I can see, you might as well be on your own. At least then you won’t have to waste emotional energy you can ill afford stroking his ego and making him feel ‘useful’ by enabling him to tit about with a hobby job at the expense of your labour.

[Pumpertrumper]

@OverTheRubicon

I’m glad my post helped you. I honestly wish my mum had left him so good on you.
My DF ‘loves’ us I know that. He’s always said he would die for us and do jail time for us...etc and you know what, he probably would but neither of those things matter. Neither of those situations are a reality. You’re still a shit parent (and partner) if you’re incapable of picking your child up from school and feeding them dinner without completely losing your shit or one of them getting hurt.

@cottonTailTrail

I’m sorry OP but I had a feeling it would resonate with you as so much of your OP resonated with me.

My DF was selfish, incapable and useless simple as. Yes he was ‘unwell’ but so were several of the other mums at my school, physical disabilities, chronic illnesses...etc and they still did their best. I always remember my mum screaming at my dad one night after she’d had to leave a retail shift early. My 5 year old sibling had pulled the fish bowl over on himself (DF had been asleep on the sofa) and cracked his head. DF rang DM furiously at work basically to get her to tell my terrified and hurt sibling off!

He kept repeating how UNWELL he was and how he shouldn’t have had to pick us up in the first place as he ‘couldn’t cope’.

My mum just yelled ‘MANDY (not her actual name) IS HAVING CHEMO AND STILL PICKS HER KIDS UP!!

He should have been ashamed. Only DF was never ashamed, nor did he ever think he was wrong. He then blamed my sibling for having caused all the problems (yes the 5 year old).

When my mum was ill (rare because she was a total warrior) she still got up and got on most of the time. I’m afraid that good parents do their best regardless of their illness or ailments and yes maybe that’s a day in front of the TV or a lunch of cold sandwiches and crisps...but that’s fine.

What you’re talking about OP, is a parent who because of illness (physical and/or mental) has opted out of the practical hands on aspects of parenting and gifted themselves the entitlement to do so under the guise of ‘I’m unwell’.

They will never acknowledge the pressure that puts you under or really give you a break because it’s all about them, their illness, their MH, what they can/can’t ‘cope with’, what ‘triggers’ them!
My DM was an idiot to stay with him and I’ll always think that. Over the years he also blamed her a lot for things like ‘spending all the money’ ...(spoiler alert we never had any to start with). But this was because he preferred that version of reality to accepting that he was a useless provider and an even worse father.

My DF’s health (mental and physical) seemed to improve dramatically once my sibling and I were no longer annoying needy small children. In fact I’d go as far as to say 80% of his mental health issues were actually him not liking looking after or being around annoying small children.

[Pumpertrumper]

It’s also awkward now as DF is much more mellow (retired with nothing and no one needing anything from him) and likes to pretend that non of this ever happened. But I’ve refused instead it’s become sort of an accepted family understanding. Dad was awful.

So on the occasions we do meet (Christmas, mums birthday...etc) it often ends up in my sibling and I recounting different fond stories of how awful dad was and us all kinda laughing about it together whilst our partners look on horrified!

I didn’t really feel like he deserved to ruin our childhoods, cause us both long term anxiety issues and then just slip off that image and become ‘jolly old dad’.

He takes it in good humour now and accepts it but sibling and I make pretty blunt comments, for example ‘You’ll be going in the crappiest government care home we can find ’ and he knows we’re not joking x

[Pumpertrumper]

Sorry OP went off on a tangent there.

Please consider leaving this guy. We spent our entire childhoods walking on egg shells, having everything taken over by him and living in fear of his match stick temper and completely disproportionate responses.

Slap your sibling - fine
Steal biscuits- who cares
Accidentally spill a small beaker of water on the carpet - HUGE SHOUTING BOLLOCKING

[foodtoorder]

Do you love this man OP?
He doesn't seem to be adding any value to the children or your life as a family let alone you as a partner/wife.

I would honestly split and leave. You sound resilient and could flourish if our of the situation.

Sorry.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

I do think social services could help if he’s very bad - they can arrange physical therapy if that would help, and they can advise on benefits, and they can assess the family unit to see whether he qualifies for any extra help, which might be a payment for childcare. Ask to be considered for a direct payment under Self-Directed Support, which is cash to be spent alleviating his identified needs (in this case, that his health doesn’t allow him to care for his kids). However, the fact that it’s only for holidays might not help - but it’s worth a try!

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

Also, in Scotland at least the local authority has a poverty responsibility - ie, if they can help you to avoid falling into poverty then they are supposed to do what they can. I don’t know if that applies in England!

[Notcoolmum]

What does your DH think is the solution?

[hobbyiscodefordogging]

That's a great question notcool

[Flutter12]

The trouble is from reading what PPs have said about their experiences it sounds like even if OP didn’t want to be with him anymore she doesn’t have a choice as he would probably make her feel guilty as he ‘can’t help it’ because he is ill.

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

OP this sounds hideous. Please don't quit your job.

[Flutter12]

Is there any updates OP?

[Smallsteps88]

@Flutter12

Is there any updates OP?

It’s not made in Chelsea! If there were updates OP wanted you to know she would tell you.

[Flutter12]

@Smallsteps88

WTAF!
Every thread I’ve read people ask for updates!

I have been worrying about the OP and her mental health and since she has gone quiet I’m even more worried!

Have a heart and realise that for most of us this isn’t something to just pass the time away because we have nothing better to do but that we actually care about someone who is struggling!

[saraclara]

Every thread I’ve read people ask for updates!

That's because they're overly nosy @Smallsteps88.

If the OP wanted to update, she would.

You say caring, I call it pestering.
I get just as invested and concerned about posters' situations as the next poster. But posting just to say 'any updates?' always seems incredibly intrusive to me. I always hope they'll come back, but it's not about me.

[Smallsteps88]

[quote Flutter12]**@Smallsteps88

WTAF!
Every thread I’ve read people ask for updates!

I have been worrying about the OP and her mental health and since she has gone quiet I’m even more worried!

Have a heart and realise that for most of us this isn’t something to just pass the time away because we have nothing better to do but that we actually care about someone who is struggling![/quote]
Yes your “is there any updates” came across as very caring and not at all nosey if you care about OP send her a supportive PM. She’ll have gone quiet because she’s digesting the information she has been bombarded with on this thread and facing the reality that she’s in a very difficult situation. Updating MN, whether people care about her or not, should be the last thing on her list of priorities.

That's because they're overly nosy @Smallsteps88.

@saraclara I’m sure you meant to tag flutter12 instead of me.

[Fortheloveoficecream]

This sounds really difficult op.

With a mixture of annual leave and parental leave and holiday clubs in the summer hopefully you should have enough to cover the school holidays.

I notice you said that you work 4 days normally? Would you employer allow you to work on your day off occasionally so you could have the day off to cover an inset day?

[Flutter12]

@Smallsteps88
@saraclara

I started a thread under a different name and I was grateful for posters checking up on me especially as I was having doubts about the decision I was going to make. Their support had a massive impact on my life and it was more the ones who kept checking back in rather than posting and moving on to the next thread that made such a big difference.

Of course OP may not need the support I did but she doesn’t have to reply back on this thread I am not forcing her or constantly posting for updates.

I also made the decision to post on the thread rather than private message as that’s what other posters seem to do and I felt it was less intrusive as she could simply ignore it easier.

[cottonTailTrail]

Hi everyone. I haven't handed in my notice as of yet. I don't really have much of an update, but will be having a meeting with my boss on Wednesday. I will talk to them honestly about my situation and see what we can work out.

Thank you for all the advice given.

[PullTheBricksDown]

Have you asked your DP what he thinks the answer is? I thought that was a very interesting idea.

I would also say, don't decide anything or agree to anything in the Wednesday meeting. Say you'll go away and think about whatever options they offer.

[hobbyiscodefordogging]

I agree with everything pullthebricks has just said. Good luck with the meeting, I hope you can have a positive discussion.

[Smallsteps88]

That great that you’re going to speak to your employer on Wednesday. Agree with telling them you will go away and think things through before deciding.

What is your DP doing on his part?

[saraclara]

@Smallsteps88, I did indeed tag the wrong person. Apologies.

[Smallsteps88]

No problem at all. I guessed that’s what had happened.