Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

[Notcoolmum]

You are effectively a single parent when it comes to childcare at least. I am a lone parent and leaving my job was never a consideration for me. I found a childminder through school and arranged to wfh one day a week. My children were 5 and 2.

As a teenager I worked as a 'teatime girl' meaning I watched a couple of kids from finishing school to bath time whilst the mum was in the house. Could you advertise for something similar?

Local Facebook pages are often useful. Other mums at school.

Post Covid after school and holiday clubs will be back on. Giving up work seems an extreme reaction as the sole breadwinner.

[DianaT1969]

I normally wouldn't ever suggest going into debt, but in your case I would work out how much you need to pay to get through the next 3 months with minimal childcare on those days (for the younger 2 perhaps). I imagine with Covid and bubbles at school bursting it must be especially stressful to know you may have them home for 14 days at any time. I would put household shopping on a 0% credit card in order to pay childcare in order to get through this with a job.

[MrsAmaretto]

Don't give up work, that's crazy! How often do you expect them to be sick? You have paid annual leave and 12 weeks unpaid leave you are legally entitled to take.

The way Christmas falls this year you'll only have to take a few days off to cover the holidays?

Do you have family who can help for some of the holidays? E.g. a grandparent who can have them for a week or stay in a premier inn @ £30 a night and do childcare for you?

Contact a support charity for your husband's condition and Citizens Advice Bureau and see what else you can help with.

I don't mean to sound nasty but your husband might be best to look at some online parenting classes if he doesn't feel able to stop a 4,5 and 7 year old doing normal fighting. I don't get why he's just checking out of the family and leaving you to handle all this??

As a woman you'd be daft to quit your job now during a recession? If you don't work how will you stop your family from living in poverty?

[Wolfiefan]

He needs to tackle his issues. What treatment is he having for them?
And aren’t two of them at school?
If they are fighting and he can’t stop them then they do have issues.
You can’t resign if that’s what you live on. He needs to look at what he can do differently. Can he do different work part time to take the pressure off you earning?

[Flutter12]

This might not suit you but have you thought about becoming a childminder or something? Then you’ll be making money and being there to look after your DCs.

My childminder became one so she could be at home with her children and be there to take them to school etc and it worked really well for her.

[saraclara]

@thisisnotus

It's very difficult for most of us to comprehend how an adult can keep a hobby-job (or hobby business?) going, and go for several 20 minute walks per day, but not be able to watch his children and not be able to take all 3 children for a walk at the same time.

The incomplete information will obviously constrain the usefulness of any advice you can get, because nobody can reasonably piece this together and work out why he can't look after the kids when he can manage other things that he chooses.

Secondary gain sounds about right.

OP is respecting his privacy which she is absolutely entitled to do, and which is absolutely right of her, in my opinion.

I hate the way that so many people are casting doubt on her situation and his condition/motives. I am SO glad I wasn't on Mumsnet when my husband had health issues that included some mental health effects. Apparently only mothers can genuinely have such conditions. A man is obviously trying to get out of his parenting responsibilities.

[saraclara]

@Flutter12

This might not suit you but have you thought about becoming a childminder or something? Then you’ll be making money and being there to look after your DCs.

My childminder became one so she could be at home with her children and be there to take them to school etc and it worked really well for her.

I'm sure that what her ill husband DOESN'T need is more children in his house all day every weekday.

[DianaT1969]

@Saraclara, I thought the childminder suggestion was good, particularly if the OP is already in education.
I can't imagine her relief if she could earn the same income at home.
Frankly, if her husband can go out walking 3 times a day, he can probably sit in a library and coffee shop too.
Unfortunately it takes time to become a registered childminder and find clients anyway, and the OP sounds desperate now.

[Doyoumind]

It would be madness to resign for the sake of school holidays when you are entitled to parental leave. When the DC are older you would be free to work again but unlikely to find work and be stuck in poverty.

[Smallsteps88]

Where I am registering as a Childminder involves social services interviewing your partner and children about how they feel about their home being full of other children every day. They would also look into and ask questions about the OPs partners health and whether CMing was appropriate in that context.

Suggesting an ill man go and sit in a library all day just because he can walk for 20 minutes is quite something I must say. I don’t think you even gave that a seconds thought.

[DianaT1969]

Off topic from this thread, but I often see people on MN say that they have no friends or family who can do them a favour for an afternoon. Sometimes it is two parents who don't have a single local friend. As a society we really need to stop being so insular. I grew up on an estate, and on any given day my mum would have the choice of 3-4 neighbours and friends who would do her a favour and vice-versa. She swept the entrances of our retired neighbours' homes while she was doing her own and would send me round with a card and chocolates at Christmas.
She worked as a catering manager in a school, and I remember being made very welcome by her friend when I had measels. Spoilt with comics and sweets.
Most of the women in our estate worked part-time and they all relied on each other.
I understand if someone has just moved company, but we need to make local friend and offer help to others so that they can reciprocate in an emergency.

[DianaT1969]

*moved country not company

[Kitfish]

Hi OP. Don't forget you are entitled to (I think) 28 weeks (unpaid) parental leave before your children reach 18 if you need it. Your employer can't really refuse it if you ask. Why don't you ask for a few weeks (or months) of parental leave to enable you to undertake the childcare while your DP gets back on his feet. It will buy you time and is less drastic than handing in your notice.

[RedskyAtnight]

@Kitfish

Hi OP. Don't forget you are entitled to (I think) 28 weeks (unpaid) parental leave before your children reach 18 if you need it. Your employer can't really refuse it if you ask. Why don't you ask for a few weeks (or months) of parental leave to enable you to undertake the childcare while your DP gets back on his feet. It will buy you time and is less drastic than handing in your notice.

They live off OP's salary. I doubt very much she will be able to afford unpaid leave.

[notalwaysalondoner]

Respectfully, OP, do you think with some behavioural training of your children and lots of encouragement for your DH, he actually could manage it? You sound like you are just writing it off as impossible, and that is why so many posters are struggling to understand. If your DH can work 5 days a week (even if not really full time and in a hobby business), go for 20 minute walks, but not watch your children, that is hard to understand.

Could you try exploring how it could work if it had to? For example, if you literally couldn't give up your job if you lived in a country without benefits? Or if you died, what would your DH do (sorry to be morbid)?Why does your DH have to go out for walks - instead, could he move around the house for 20 minutes? If your DC fight, you can work on that (age appropriately) explaining that Daddy is sick and they can't do that around him. If it tires him out, can you afford a babysitter/local teenager to take over for a few of hours a week so he gets a break? This is only really an issue during the holidays, right, plus the odd sickness day (OK, covid makes this much more unpredictable) so you only have to find solutions for maximum 10 days at a time.

I remember being so amazed at Alison Lapper's way of interacting with her son, who a lot of people said she couldn't raise independently. But he just understood the boundaries and that she couldn't physically help or stop him with many things, so behaved differently around her compared to other adults.

I'd also massively encourage you to follow up on other's suggestions e.g. asking all your children's classmates' parents if they would be interested in swapping childcare support; looking at parental/emergency leave etc. and building more of a local network long term.

[Itstheprinciple]

Inset days are 5 per year which you know about in advance and usually come at the end of a school holiday so you book your AL to fit. Or use half a day and DH can cope for the other half. How often are you anticipating them being sick? I understand the little ones might still be at the 'picking up every passing bug' phase but it's still only a few days a year - you phone into work and ask for emergency leave. It might be unpaid, but better losing the odd days pay than having no income at all!
School holidays - holiday clubs will be back on eventually.
I really hope your DH is getting every possible treatment for both his physical and mental illnesses before you even contemplate resigning. If he can go for a 20 mins walk several times a day, he can be around to supervise children. Quite often children rise to the challenge if they are told daddy needs extra help, and no fighting, they will do it and take pride in doing it. Children should not be regularly physically fighting to the point where an adult has to separate them!

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Sick days you need to put out of your mind - a sick child doesn't need more than a sofa and a screen and DH can take a walk before you leave/when you come back/and walk around the house for the rest of the time. So its just holidays.

You'll have some statutory days over Christmas surely? Do you have any annual leave left at all? Could you work half days: DH gets up and walks early doors, you leave, he's then got the DCs for 4 hours or so, he goes for his second walk the minute you get in?

[Itstheprinciple]

Also, if you're doing drop off and pick up each day for 3 kids, how can you not have got friendly with another parent? Our head teacher always tells new parents to make friends with each other so you always have someone to help you out, and you them. You don't have to be best mates but surely you talk to people on the playground?

[movingonup20]

If he is so incapacitated he cannot watch school aged kids surely he qualifies for pip, I can give some advice on applying if you pm as I've done it a few times (unfortunately). £300 should help towards that childcare

[notalwaysalondoner]

I wanted to add - people often are ashamed of being honest and just asking for help. I'd find it hard to believe if you asked your DC's teacher for the parents' details and said "Hi parents, my DH has recently developed a debilitating illness, due to school holiday childcare issues I am now looking at quitting my job, would you be able to offer one day over the break to look after my child?" that they wouldn't rally around. Good luck!

[vanillandhoney]

I think without you going into more detail, nobody is going to be able help you.

[cottonTailTrail]

When my dc play fight I often leave them to it and it's just a bit of fun. Dp however panics and convinces himself they will become seriously hurt . if they so much as push each other dp feels the need to intervene and this will cause more problems. Something that needs addressing.
He also cannot bear screaming and high pitched noise. I have told the dc this but they sometimes forget.

I will look into parental leave before quitting.

[Delatron]

Could he put headphones on and plug himself in to an iPad?

I hope you can manage to get some parental leave. Have you much holiday left?

[hatgirl]

He may have eligible needs under the Care Act. He needs an assessment if his disabilities are having an impact on his life and his wellbeing. Contact social services for a referral and they may be able to offer some practical or financial support towards childcare.

Lots of people have disabilities that allow them to do some work but nit other tasks for whatever reason. I have people on my caseload who can drive and hold down jobs but aren't able to brush their teeth or understand how to keep themselves safe from harm.

The very last thing you should do OP though is give up your job. There are so many options to look at before you get to that point.

[Wolfiefan]

At those ages they are old enough not to fight and push each other and scream.
He needs to seek treatment that could help.
Could also look at before school and after school clubs and holiday clubs. But he needs to do what he can.