Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

Taking them for a walk sounds perfect. The rest of the time he can just supervise them. You sound like you are making excuses for them. If you died he'd do it. Just tell him he's got to!

Are they not at school for most of the day? Is he struggling with pickups?

You have said “he’s convinced himself he can’t do it”

He probably could he’s just decided he can’t so he won’t.

A walk would be fine.
The kids can watch tv at other times.

Dp cannot just sit in with them all day and watch tv.

He needs to be mobile every few hours so will do a 20 minute walk a few times a day.

Without wishing to be harsh, I'm struggling to see how this does not fit in with having children. Small children needs exercise and fresh air.

Read up on 'secondary gain' and see if you feel any of it fits.

I find taking small children out stressful, 4 and 5 are still ages at which they sometimes run etc - i make sure I've always got hold of the youngest one's hands if she's in a mood where she might do something and we are on a road not in the park.

Does sound like he needs some strategies to cope like that. Surely the 7 year old can walk reliably?

No wonder you're exhausted, you really need to take some sick days and look into any support you can - is the 4 yo still under HV?

@cottonTailTrail

OP, we are in exactly the same boat however it's the other way around. I suspect your DP has disc/back issues if he is having to get up every 20 mins. DP employer has allowed him to WFH permanently as to support me and the small DC. You have my sympathy as it's a fucking nightmare. I'm in the same boat that I can't just react to an emergency or jump up if they are squabbling.

I receive full PIP and I would suggest looking at universal credit to see if you can bump your income up. You can use the online calculator to look at how much you would receive at different income levels. I wish you the best of luck.

@cottonTailTrail

Thank you to all the supportive comments.

Dc are 4,5&7

Dp cannot just sit in with them all day and watch tv.

He needs to be mobile every few hours so will do a 20 minute walk a few times a day.

He is very anxious and convinces himself the dc will come to harm by falling or similar.

They do not have behavioral problems and are very well behaved but they do fight and dp cannot handle it.

I'm sorry your DP is ill. The children wouldn't just be sitting in watching TV every day though, it would just be when they are ill (so hopefully off school individually) or on Inset Days - I wonder if your DC's friends could help out then? I would be more than happy to have a friend of my childs round on an Inset Day to help someone out and I'm sure plenty of people would. Or if not, then use your annual leave for then. You mention holiday clubs aren't running at Christmas so is it just those days you need to cover? Perhaps speak to local childminders who may have room? I think keeping hold of your job will be best for your family and your sanity!

I understand it must be so difficult but you are really thinking very short term here OP. Like PP have said, it would be madness to hand in your resignation during a pandemic. It might be very difficult for you to get another job in future, particularly if you are only looking in certain areas or hours etc to enable you to do school run etc.

I would say you need to find a childminder during the holidays at the moment for the 4 and 5 year old who are probably the hardest work .The 8 year old will be fine with less supervision, is probably quite happy to watch movies etc if needed, and will have noone there to fight with. Probably also fairly happy to join your DP on short walks too (if your DP feels he can't take one 8 year old on a short walk due to worrying about them coming to harm then he needs more help for his MH problems as one child of this age should not present any problems). Once the pandemic is over, holiday clubs will start up again and all 3 DC can go to clubs if needs be, in between you using annual leave.

On days when they're ill, he can manage for one day, especially as there will probably only be one of them off sick and they can just watch screens. If it means he is tired for a few days after then so be it. That's better than the alternative of you having no job.

I take them to school and pick them up .

It's just childcare for some school holidays, inset days and sick days that I am struggling with

I have no friends who can help.

Dp cannot take them all for a walk with him. I will not go into detail but he just can't.

Can you afford to pay for some childcare? Could you advertise for some ad hoc help? Plenty of retired people may be willing to be paid to help out as and when you need help. I know I would like a job like this.

OP you have annual leave and parental leave. Speak to your employer and explain the situation. Work out what support you would like from them and ask if they can offer it. Flexible working, WFH etc. Ask.

It's very difficult for most of us to comprehend how an adult can keep a hobby-job (or hobby business?) going, and go for several 20 minute walks per day, but not be able to watch his children and not be able to take all 3 children for a walk at the same time.

The incomplete information will obviously constrain the usefulness of any advice you can get, because nobody can reasonably piece this together and work out why he can't look after the kids when he can manage other things that he chooses.

Secondary gain sounds about right.

It seems you only have a few choices. You stay in your job but make drastic changes to your outgoings so that you can afford childcare. Cut the budget for everything, downsize, live somewhere cheaper. Release equity if you have it. Take a mortgage break to pay for childcare.
You work more hours or work a 2nd job to pay for au pair type help. It seems counter intuitive, but it would keep the bills paid.
Everything relies on your DH becoming well enough to the point where he can look after his DC. Is that possible? Can it be accelerated with a medical review/intervention etc.
If he isn't ever going to get to that point, I don't know what you can do. You are effectively a single working parent with no friends or family for support, on a stretched income with young DC.

Would you be better off if you separated from your DH, he moved out, and you apply for UC? I think you might be if you're renting. I guess it depends on your income level.

Have we found out why they can’t do a childminder/after school club? I know at the moment this is tricky but long term?

There are holiday clubs. I accept what you say about your DH. So we have to take him completely out of the equation and look at what a single parent would do in this situation.

If it’s just childcare for sick days/holidays and inset days then that’s not too £ at all.

When they are sick, parental leave? They can’t be sick that often? How many Inset days per year? 6? Then holidays cover partly with your own holiday the rest holiday clubs.

This sounds horribly hard for you, OP. You are effectively the primary wage earner and primary carer for your whole family, and you are carrying the full mental load without support. I assume you’re also doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry.... As well as looking after your children, you are running yourself ragged trying to support your DP and stop him having to take any practical or emotional responsibility for the life and wellbeing of your family.

I’ll take your word for it that it simply isn’t possible for your DP to play any more of a role. So if he can’t support you, you need to find help from somewhere else. Giving up your job would surely only make things worse.

Talk to your employer. Can you work from home, temporarily, for at least part of the time? If not, would it be possible to move into a different role, one that would give you more flexibility? Can you juggle your household finances to pay for childcare until the world gets a bit more back to normal?

Don’t quit your job

A friend of mine was in a similar situation when her H had a stroke, he can barely speak and can’t drive and struggled with depression

She kept her job. And he looks after the kids as best he can. They sometimes scream and fight... you know what? The world does not end. Yes an adult intervening properly is better

But it’s her job that keeps a roof over her head as well as her sanity

Your DP may just have to do it

He will be more mentally exhausted if you’re made homeless because you cannot pay the bills.

If he cannot have all 3 at once and you cannot afford wrap around for all 3, can you divide and conquer so you put one at a time in wrap around and your DH has the other 2?

I was going to suggest childminder for the 4 and 5 year olds. The 7 year old can go out for a walk with dad and not be fighting/causing problems.

Many childminders do discounts for siblings and as so many people are working from home and not using childminders now, they are more likely to have spaces free. Definitely call round a few before quitting.

OP, if he can walk for 20mins several times a day, it sounds like the problem is either psychiatric, in which case he needs to prioritise getting help for his mental health urgently - this degree of impairment is not “just” anxiety, or whatever excuse he uses for not addressing it.

Or it’s laziness/unwillingness to look after his own children, in which case I would be leaving the relationship.

And yes, I would look up “secondary gain” and “taking the sick role” - if he has told you that this is the status quo now and is never going to improve, he is getting something out of not addressing his mental health. It would be different if he was engaged with his MH team and hoped he would be up to doing childcare again soon.

It's just childcare for some school holidays, inset days and sick days that I am struggling with

Can you use annual leave, parental leave and emergency dependents’ leave for these? The latter two are unpaid but better than quitting? Parental leave is in week blocks and needs notice so best for holidays. Annual leave or emergency leave for sick days. You may only need to use half days (if your employer allows this) if DP can cope with the DC for half a day at a time.

Apart from the Christmas holidays, I presume there are usually holiday clubs you can use?
Inset days usually tag onto school hols, which might make things easier.
Use parental leave.

Is there any family they could go to stay with for the odd 2-3 days during the hols?

What is your job OP? Could you ask for temporary reduction of hours? Can you use A/ L over the Christmas holidays? Could you work half days to make your annual leave go further? I would suggest a Frank conversation with your manager to see if you can work out a plan less drastic than resignation.