Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

Do they fight less if there are only 2 of them at home OP? If you could find childcare for just one of them, would that make a difference?

And again, a few days of fatigue are better than everyone suffering relentless grind of real poverty.

But surely of your examples it's likely to be only inset days and holidays - which you may be able to cover with a combination of annual leave and unpaid parental leave - when he'd have more than one? If a child was ill the odds are it's just one of them home, and if they're unwell enough to be off school you'd hope they'd not be well enough to be wrestling in the front room! Currently there's obviously the risk of longer periods with them home and maybe more than one due to bubbles bursting, but that's not forever so, again, you might be able to get through with leave (unpaid if necessary).

Was he regularly watching all three of the children before he became ill? I ask because a lot of it might be about developing strategies and workarounds - as someone said, having them in front of a screen (in separate rooms to avoid fighting if necessary) isn't a brilliant thing but it's a lot better than the family having no one in work at all.

How old are your DC? Are there any local charities or community groups that might be able to help look after the DC or who normally run after school clubs? We have a local group that I belong to And the people running it put shout outs out for things people need help with, it could be anything from school uniform, fridges, help decorating etc and it’s amazing what the local community can help with

If he is ill enough that he can't look after his own children, he should be claiming whatever disability or illness benefits are available in your country.

Why wasn't your boyfriend earning much before his mental health deterioration? You say it is recent. Can he do another job with more money if he isn't taking any part in the children's care?

wy are they fighting all the time can you not give them stufff to do seprately

how does he work if he cant do anything else

The cost of holiday clubs for 3 DC would surely be about the same price (or more) than having a nanny/babysitter, even if only for a few hours rather than all day?

Hard to say with so little info. I agree with PP that I can't imagine a man handing in his notice if his female partner was long term sick and couldn't look after the kids.

You've not given much detail OP on his conditions, but it did make me think if Parsons Sick Role theory- the basis being that being defined as sick can bring some privileges with it, such as not looking after the kids.

Have a read of this www.thoughtco.com/sick-role-definition-3976325

Does it ring any bells? Is he doing absolutely everything he can to get better? Or if not better, then to a point where he can function more?

If not, why not?

I advise on benefits and other things.

I strongly advise you NOT to resign and instead find a childminder or other childcare. You would surely be much worse off if you stopped working.
Make sure you're claiming all the benefits you're entitled to:

• Depending on your partner's National Insurance record (sufficient NI contributions or credits in the tax years 2017-2019) he might be entitled to new-style ESA.
• Depending on how your partner's health conditions affect him, he might be entitled to PIP (this is regardless of his work status)
• As a family you might be entitled to Universal Credit which includes help with childcare costs; the childcare element covers up to 85%.

If you resign voluntarily you may be sanctioned when trying to claim UC. It is designed to ensure that people are better off working than not.

Do you rent or have a mortgage?

OP if he can work to some capacity he needs to deal with the kids. If he can't then together you need to sort their behaviour out.

I'm assuming he has no employment benefits re illness or inability to work?

Can he quit work and claim whatever he is entitled to so you can stay in your role? Resigning seems utterly fat to me.

daft not fat.

How old are the children.

You seem reluctant to say what DP's 'conditions' are?
He may well be exhausted after looking after the children but it doesn't look like you have any other choice? He'll just need to do his best until other options are available to you.
I'm sure having financial troubles won't help the situation.
If he really won't do it then you'll have to claim benefits and have him properly assessed to see if he is entitled to any support if he's able to work then I doubt you'll get anything.

You seem reluctant to say what DP's 'conditions' are?

And how old the children are.

If he is ill enough that he can't look after his own children, he should be claiming whatever disability or illness benefits are available in your country.

they have made sure their Dc behave well enough so they don’t have to. Your Dp needs to learn to parent in a way that means he can be with his children alone

I agree with both of these. Not to be mean, but you have problems aside from your work and health situation if your DCs' behaviour is really that bad. It clearly needs addressing.

Tough situation, but if you resign you will need to claim UC to live if he earns so little. They will expect him to earn a mim amount and work set hours on his half of the claim. As a family you can’t live on pocket money that takes days to earn. Purely on that you can’t give up your job or you both will have to give up (him for heath) and then you look for maybe night shift work?

I agree with posters if was a women who’s partner had to give up work because she couldn’t manage kids for few hours she would have to be significantly unwell. Unwell enough to be getting help, meds, support Disability benefits. Can you frame it as when he’s not using mental energy agency work he may feel better prepared to cope kids after? It’s going be hard in benefit system to prove he can work part time but needs you there full time for child care.

I'm another who's a bit cynical about a man whose 'mental exhaustion' prevents him from keeping an eye on his children.
And yet he's well enough to dabble in his hobby-job when he feels like it.

It’s going be hard in benefit system to prove he can work part time but needs you there full time for child care.

It's also going to be hard to prove that OP needs to be there full-time at all for school age children - surely she'll be required to look for alternative work?

It sounds harsh, but you need to think almost as a single parent. Giving up your job in these circumstances will be financial suicide. Equally, I can see why it's unaffordable to put three kids in childcare on a single wage.

Would you be better off if your partner gave up work and claimed PiP/UC? I would explore this, with CABE.

Can you look into school clubs or help for the youngest and use a mix of bribery/scheduling for the older two at home?

It may also be worth finding a university student to help out for the longer holiday periods.

You need your job op. Is dp coming up with solutions? If the DCs are fighting all the time, it sounds like they need more running around, would it work better to spread your hours over 5 day so that you have time every day or a few days to take then out for a run around.

A 2nd TV and tablets solves a lot of fights when school were closed and we were both WFH.

Ask the older DC for their ideas too on how to reduce arguments.

OP is probably trying to be vague to avoid being outed. Nobody has a right to demand what her DP's medical conditions are. She's looking for advice and support on here, not for posters to question whether her DP is genuinely ill. Give her a break please!

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I was looking to resign from my job a couple of months ago, due to mental illness and childcare issues - with me being the main earner and with DH's job looking uncertain. I ended up in floods of tears on the phone to my boss, who turned out to be very sympathetic and put additional support measures in place - allowed me to take time off during the day for childcare and make up my hours at night, etc. Have you spoken to your employer about the reality of the situation you're in OP?

Op seriously do not quit, you may find yourself unable to access state support and essentially having nothing to live off.

What exactly are his conditions? Your descriptions are so vague it is hard to understand. If they are serious then surely he can access state support? If they don’t rise to that level, then unfortunately he needs to either have a job that provides enough with your salary to cover childcare, or else do the childcare, regardless of how tired it makes him feel. There are no other options if you want to keep food on the table.

How old are the children? It sounds like they are school age, but also that they have behavioural issues so bad they can’t be looked after without physically breaking up fights? You both need to deal with this. School age children should be possible to supervise even for someone with quite severe disabilities, if they are well behaved. Of course it will be severely tiring, but it makes zero sense for him to do a hobby instead of look after the children so you can earn an actual income

Sorry you're in this position. Exhaust unpaid parental leave before you quit. You need to buy yourself time to come up with a sustainable solution.

I assume you are a teacher and get sick pay? I would talk to your GP and get signed off with stress. You have too much on your plate and you need some time and space to rest and then get organised with one of the solutions already suggested. Take care of yourself

Don't resign! Your job and income is the only positive thing for your family at the moment.
I don't think you are thinking clearly to even contemplate that.
We're talking about a few days of the year when you can't take annual leave. Ask their friends' parents if they can have one or two of them. Divide and conquer.
If it is mainly fighting, put screens in their rooms with a packed lunch and tell them not to come out except for the toilet. Follow through with consequences of any fighting.
A strict rota of which DC gets to use the lounge/garden in the morning/afternoon. Ask your DP to take them to the park first thing (if he can manage it) to burn off some of their energy.
Don't resign!