Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

@hatgirl, you've saved me from hitting my head against the screen from frustration. So many people here offering suggestions that are just ludicrous.

I should try to understand that if you have no experience of such mental health and physical conditions, you won't understand. Someone's lived experience is something that I shouldn't expect people to 'get' if they've not been there. But it really bothers me that people are being so suspicious and wanting to think the worst of him. That a huge problem can be solved with 'well he can put headphones in' etc.

Ugh.

But yes, OP, listen to hatgirl. Contact some agencies to see how they can help you both.
I don't know what your sick pay is like, but could your GP sign you off with stress for a week or so, so you can explore all possibilities?

I will look into parental leave before quitting.

Well it sounds like you’ve made your mind up to quit anyway but please do look into it, and not only that, but ask for a meeting with your manager and explain the situation, explain what support would help and ask what they can do. And look into pips for your DP, and parenting classes or support via social services. Honestly OP, throw everything you have at this problem before even considering giving up your source of income just to cover some school holidays and sick days!

Thank you @hatgirl I didn't even consider contacting social services. It is true dp can cope with some things but not others. It frustrates him just as much as it does me.

Universal credit will pay towards childcare- if your DP is too unwell to hold down a job or look after his kids then he should be on PIP too.

I really wouldn’t quit your job. The issue is your DP’s health- but the fact that he can do some work suggests this is something that could improve. And this is what I would be focusing on- him getting himself well enough to contribute to the family.

What about your health? With everything falling to you- work and home- how long before your health suffers?

OP also if his illness is so bad would he not need a carer?

I know a couple whose husband can’t work and his wife is his carer - he is able to have hobbies and go to the gym/days out etc but cannot stand for really long periods of time so he’s not really bad but still gets disability payments and his wife gets money for being a carer.

He also has been recently diagnosed with early age dementia so cannot be left alone with his children either - I’m not sure how this affects their payments or SS involvement though.

I'm sure that what her ill husband DOESN'T need is more children in his house all day every weekday.

This is why my childminder chose to do it as she had to both work and look after the children as her husband couldn’t due to his illness but I appreciate everyone’s illnesses are different so it was just a suggestion.

What about your health? With everything falling to you- work and home- how long before your health suffers?

I agree with this too OP

@cottonTailTrail I haven't read everyone's replies but I have read yours so forgive me if I repeat.

Firstly it is really hard to give proper advice without us understanding why it is that is wrong with your dp. I understand that you don't want to discuss that on a forum but it does mean that it limits the advice

1. if you are home you are able to support dp with him looking after the kids.
2. who looks after them if you are bed ridden? I'm sorry but being ill is not an excuse to abdicate his parenting responsibilities. He needs to step up poorly or not. He may struggle and fail but we all struggle and fail at it and kids survive.
3. talk to the school or social services as there may be help out there. If you are low income then apply for UC and see what help with childcare costs you would get, find a childminder at least for the youngest if needs be.
4. don't quit your job. If you are surviving on your wage you will be financially buggered. Ask about flexible working, reduced hours, condensed hours etc and see whatbhelp and or support they can offer

Op just to add, if you were my neighbour, or a parent at my kids school, and I heard about your predicament, I would offer to help like a shot. People will want to help, I'm certain of it, please consider talking to the school at least.

I hope you find a solution. You have far more patience than me as I would be trying to get him to look after them more. Even for short bursts at weekend to get used to them playing without intervening.

@notalwaysalondoner

I wanted to add - people often are ashamed of being honest and just asking for help. I'd find it hard to believe if you asked your DC's teacher for the parents' details and said "Hi parents, my DH has recently developed a debilitating illness, due to school holiday childcare issues I am now looking at quitting my job, would you be able to offer one day over the break to look after my child?" that they wouldn't rally around. Good luck!

It’s not one child though is it? It’s three and very lively ones at that. I can’t imagine anyone would offer twice based on the OP’s own admission of her kids fighting and screaming.

what will you do if you do quit though OP, because as a fit and healthy person, (and unless your DH has been assessed as unfit, in which case he should be getting some support) you will both be pushed to work by jobcentre, and you will be seen as making yourself deliberately unemployed.
And they will not deem your partners job as sufficient - so his self employement for pin money will not exclude him from jumping through the DWPs hoops - he will need, at a minimum, to be earning minimum wage for 24 hrs (if you are working full time)

My DH has mental health issues that can be crippling and all consuming to him. Mental health conditions can be contagious.

Its really important to establish your own self protection so that you can be strong for yourself, your DC and to support your DH. In that order.

Your job is part of that self preservation - something that gives independance and brings financial possibilities to the family.

If this is a relatively new situation don't try to plan too far ahead. Christmas is a pending problem but its only 2 weeks and some of that time is bank holidays. Over time you can establish how long term this situation is and start to look for longer term solutions.

At times I've found DH's mental health and trying to meet his needs wrongly superseeds all the family needs and I have needed to push back. DH, when he's bad, gets quite agitated about this but he's not in a position to assess what we need. It can be very lonely making all the family decissions.

Getting medical support, taking his medication, getting councilling support, taking exercise, going to bed at a sensible time so he is in part present during waking hours with the children are all necessary if he wants to be part of our family. I have on a couple of ocassions spelt that out. As a family we shouldn't be better off with me as a single parent - he needs to be at least a neutral contribution to the household by taking basic steps to look after himself and interact with the DC. Opting out isn't an option.

If your DH is in crisis is he prepared to make moves towards support? Will he acknowledge its disabling him?
If so, it would be worth investigating disability and other benefits. You could try your local council. Ours have family support workers who can help you find your feet when you have a disabilty in the household.

Do you have a garden? If so, can your DP do his walk around the garden while the kids play?

Can you split your leave over different weeks so that your DP is only looking after them for one or two days at a time?

Do you have a family member who would come and stay for a week in the summer to help look after the kids, or could you send your kids to relatives for a week?

As others have said, you are entitled to parental leave.

Could you work from home in order to help your DP with whatever tasks he finds most difficult?

And finally could you create a timetable for the DC so for example they each have an hour on the computer, an hour watching TV, so that they aren't together all the time.

It’s not one child though is it? It’s three and very lively ones at that. I can’t imagine anyone would offer twice based on the OP’s own admission of her kids fighting and screaming.

Agree. It’s a nice idea but quite naive to suggest this. MN threads will show you that people will say no because some people are pisstakers and they know if they say yes to one day of childcare, realistically you will ask them for help again and it will get harder to say no each time. And they will talk to other mums who will say “yeah, she asked me to- she’s a chancer looking for free childcare from all of us” not that that’s what you’ll be doing, but it’s what they’ll say.

Realistically, if the kids were 8, 9 and 11 or older you might get a few offers but 4, 5 and 7 is certainly easier than 1, 2 and 4 but not many people are going to jump at looking after 3 smallish kids on a regular basis.

I definitely think you need help from govt agencies such as social services or charities, you must be exhausted with all the work and care.

Talk seriously to your line manager about your options. A good employer will help. I've had similar conversations with people who think quitting is the only option. Depending on the situation parental leave or reducing hours for a few months have helped. Don't stop working for afew days a year.

A few reminders on parental leave, your are entitled to 1 week per year per child until they are 18. These weeks have to be taken as whole weeks, what we do is have the unpaid parental leave either in the summer or at Christmas when we'd be on holiday anyway then keep annual leave back for the emergency days.

Omg don’t quit your job just so you are free for school holidays and inset days ? How would being unemployed and no money at all coming in be better

Is he getting treatment for his mental health issues - medication and/or CBT? I hope so. Because mental health issues are treatable and with the right support he should be able to improve and cope with doing a bit of childcare.

Meanwhile how about looking into local babysitting or nanny agencies to line up some help for the times you need it.

Don't quit without considering what you would then be living off.

Universal Credit would be the benefit you would need to claim. But you could be sanctioned for leaving your job voluntarily.

You don't mention if you are currently getting UC (or tax credits) but if you arent you need to apply as you may be entitled as you have 3 children. You can then claim back your child care costs even if you just use a child minder over Xmas or other holidays.

I work in a car hire contact centre from home, they do days evenings and night shifts, there are jobs out there that can fit around children. The company I work for are a really good employer, I only do 25 hrs a week around my child’s school hours. I get 6 weeks holiday a year which I take in half terms xmas etc and use summer clubs. Hope things work out for you.

When my dc play fight I often leave them to it and it's just a bit of fun. Dp however panics and convinces himself they will become seriously hurt . if they so much as push each other dp feels the need to intervene and this will cause more problems.

To be fair, he's not wrong [eyes DD's broken leg....]

If him telling them to cut it out will cause more problems then you need to start to deal with their behaviour before they get bigger and do each other real damage.

You are in a very tough situation OP. As others have already said if you quit work and claim UC you are likely to be sanctioned and not receive anything for quite a few weeks. Unless you have savings to live on and can get the ball rolling to claim PIP and then you can claim carers allowance. But getting PIP is not always straightforward, your DH has to meet the descriptors to gain enough points for an award, but it's not impossible of course.

I am in this situation, my DH gets PIP and I'm his carer. We have a lively 5 year old. I do all the care for both of them, all the housework, shopping etc, so I don't work. But there are times when DH has to look after DD, I had to have 4 weeks of radiotherapy so he had to take care of her while I was at the hospital. It was very hard for him but he had to do it ( though there was one occasion I came home and the whole house was covered in Lego, I was not impressed!) and we got through it. He finds ways to play with her, computer games or watching TV. She helps him if he drops anything or needs help getting things. There are ways around things, and you will have access to childcare again once all this is over, but I agree it is tough.

Don't resign, try and think of more options. Could you not ask you employer could you work from home in the holidays.
Could you not get a nanny or childminders for school holidays only, you maybe get some tax credits for childcare depending on your earnings.
Don't make any rash decisions, would be in lockdown forever and childcare provider can still work anyway. X

You may get pip for your husband if he is really ill, that will help with extra costs. X