Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

[mooncakes]

Could you send one child to a childcare? Often with three children some combinations are more troublesome than others!

Are you getting all you’re entitled to for childcare? Tax free childcare will cover 20%, Universal Credit up to 70%.

[SuperbGorgonzola]

I would hope that handing your notice in would be the last possible resort.

Are your workplace aware of the situation and have to asked them for a bit more flexibility?

How old are your children? Are your children able to understand the effect that their behaviour has on your DH's health and have they thought about what they could do to get along better and be more mature about the situation?

At a basic level is your DH able to keep them safe while you're not there, even if he's not able to be as hands on as he would like?

[UsedUpUsername]

He still does his low pay job as it's all he's able to manage and stops him feeling completely useless

He’d be more useful quitting his job and looking after the kids while you work. Doesn’t sound like his job is of any benefit to the family

[katmarie]

I get it to an extent op. The options available to you depend a lot on what your husbands illness is, and how old your kids are. He might be able to claim pip, which still allows him and you to work, depending on the rate awarded. He may be able to claim universal credit, but may not get a great deal depending on how much you earn. You might be able to claim carers allowance for him, again depending on how much you earn, how many hours you work etc.


What therapy and care is he accessing? There are no quick fixes with mental illness, and access to services is very limited I know, but I hope he is at least under the care of a doctor?


In terms of what you can do, could you put in a flexible working request for term time only work? Or look hard for a job which gives you greater flexibility. Its a crappy time to job hunt I know but there are still some companies out there recruiting. Try not to quit without something to go to if you possibly can.


Consider talking to your kids friends parents about childcare swaps, or check the local college/uni for students on childcare courses who might be suitable to do some babysitting. If your dh is at home too, then it shouldn't be too onerous a job for a babysitter. And as pp have mentioned, you need to get a handle on the kids behaviour. Are they old enough to understand your dh's health issues and have an agenda appropriate conversation about their behaviour around him?

[SuperbGorgonzola]

@UsedUpUsername

He still does his low pay job as it's all he's able to manage and stops him feeling completely useless

He’d be more useful quitting his job and looking after the kids while you work. Doesn’t sound like his job is of any benefit to the family

I agree with this as well.

He needs to understand that being a SAHP is incredibly useful and far more advantageous to your family than you giving up your job. I understand that he wants to keep his mind active; presumably he enjoys his job, but as a husband and father he still has responsibilities.

[SoupDragon]

He needs to understand that being a SAHP is incredibly useful and far more advantageous to your family than you giving up your job. I understand that he wants to keep his mind active; presumably he enjoys his job, but as a husband and father he still has responsibilities.

Apart from the small fact that his illness means he can't look after the children by himself.

[unicornparty]

Why are your dc fighting to the extent that they need to be physically separated? Are you able to work on that?

[SavoyCabbage]

I just watched a documentary on the 'Real Stories' app last night about a family who were homeless because the dad quit his job because the mother had anxiety and couldn't look after the dc on her own.

The council wouldn't help them because he had resigned. They were evicted and the locks were changed and men came and took their possessions away because they had nowhere to take them and were sitting in a bus stop in the dark hoping a charity was going to be able to get them into a B&B for the night.

It was terrible and the dad was such a lovely man.

[HollowTalk]

Do not resign!

I'm struggling to see how your husband can work for himself but can't work for the family by making sure your children are safe and fed. If you are off three days a week then presumably he could spend that time recuperating.

[Grobagsforever]

I agree with PP, a female partner would still be expected to watch DC.

[MrsWhites]

It really would help if you could give an idea of your children’s ages.

To be honest I’m another one struggling to understand fully, surely school aged children could be trusted to sit nicely watching a movie etc with your DP so he doesn’t have to make much effort. You could make packed lunches before you go to school so he literally just has to sit in the room with them. Obviously it’s not ideal but needs must and it’s definitely better than giving up your job.

[anon444877]

Have you tried asking charities that support families with caring responsibilities in whatever conditions your dh has?

You need to call in sick for a few days and try what you can in terms of charities, social work etc to access support and making sure your dh is getting all benefits he's entitled to.

Never resign until you've exhausted every possibility.

[thisisnotus]

So the physical aspects stop him from breaking up fights? You've already been given advice on how to deal with that.

And he finds parenting mentally exhausting - this does not incapacitate him from being able to parent though.

I must admit, your reluctance to say what the "condition" is and how old the children are, implies that you know that it's a bit of a cop-out on his part - it feels like you're trying to deflect any potential criticism by being sparing with the details. I'm not sure how anyone can help you in those circumstances.

Absolutely do not quit your job. I can't believe you'd plunge your children into a life of poverty just so that your husband can feel useful doing a hobby job.

[FabbyChix]

How hard is it to lay on a sofa and watch kids watching tv? Or give them a packed lunch you have made. Sorry sounds like bollocks

[Plussizejumpsuit]

A few suggestions :

Work on the kids behaviour so they don't fight. It's not a given that siblings fight.

He sounds very ill. Could he apply for pip or DLA? Or another benefit.

If he earns is little is there any point in him working? Could he either find a job where he Wfh but actually earns then you could work less. Or he could stop working and would have more energy for the kids?

Do you own or rent? Could you downsize or move to a cheaper area?

Could you get a wfh flexible job?

[Stompythedinosaur]

I have a do with a chronic health condition which has made it tricky for him to care for the dc. I honestly think you might need to think again about whether it is impossible or just very hard.

For starters, don't resign if you can't afford to. Keep going, even if your employer is fed up. They might eventually end your contract but resigning will affect your benefits.

You need to address the dc's behaviour if that is the problem. Siblings don't have to fight. How old are the older ones? Can they do some tasks that will make it possible for your dp to cope? Bribery is a wonderful thing. Will the older one occupy the youngest for a period of time in exchange for pocket money?

While far from ideal, my eldest has known how to get help if her dad becomes unwell or is unconscious when looking after her from around age 8. This year during lockdown my 9 and 7 year old have been able to keep themselves out of trouble and make their own drinks and lunch when needed.

Are there ways your dp can build up his ability to cope?

[Oblomov20]

Don't quit! everyone who has a job right now needs to cling onto it for dear life! don't hand in your resignation.

I don't know what is wrong with Dp but he needs to ring GP.

how old are your children?
are they been given work to do by the school?

most of MN is completely child focussed/ child centric but in actual fact children need very little love and care and attention. they could probably just snuggle up on the settee and watch a bit of TV with DP. if they did this for a week no harm would come to them! the whole of mumsnet seems To spend the whole time making cakes; making dens; making Playdoh, making this making that. All unnecessary, bollocks to that! if he isn't very well all he needs to do is show love and care to the children : they can play, watch TV. no harm will come to them.

[Gazelda]

Do you have any leave you can use to cover the Christmas hols, and meantime explore all your options?
Don't resign. It won't make life easier, only harder.

[Delatron]

We really need to know the ages of the children?

If you have 3 school age children then there must be older ones amongst that?

How much supervision to do they need? You sit down and have a chat with them. Dad can’t look after you. They make a sandwich when home, watch some tv, separate screens? It’s just for a few hours? Rewards for good behaviour. Strict consequences for bad. You may need to implement this yourself later if DP can’t cope.

Do not resign. He needs to work out how to support you. If he’s ill then ok but he must see that giving up your job is the worst thing that could happen.

My Nana was a single mother with 3 kids. From the age of 6 mum Mum (plus siblings of 7 and 8) would all home from school alone, make their own tea (probably cereal!) and we’re unsupervised until she came home. It’s a bit different these days but couldn’t the older kids have some responsibility?

Otherwise childminder.

[Oblomov20]

"siblings will fight and argue a lot."
You tell them to behave!!

No. I totally disagree. Dh sat ds's down and told them that I was very unwell diabetically and he expected them to be Uber-super-well-behaved.

And they were!

[saraclara]

OP is probably trying to be vague to avoid being outed. Nobody has a right to demand what her DP's medical conditions are. She's looking for advice and support on here, not for posters to question whether her DP is genuinely ill. Give her a break please!

That. Some of the reponses on here are very weird and show how little understanding people have of mental illness or some medical conditions. And to be honest I wouldn't want my children in the care of someone who was struggling so badly. The atmosphere would be very difficult for them to deal with.

And the homelessness example that a PP posted about was about a man in the OP's position who had to give up his job because the wife's condition made it impossible for her to look after the kids alone. It's not just one way.

OP, I hope that some of the helpful posts have given you some route out of this, through benefits or organisations that do understand the nature of your DH's condition. Good luck.

[KrisKringlesLeftNostril]

Can he claim PIP and you carers allowance?

[pumpkinpie01]

I think quitting your job should be a last resort. How old are the dc ?