Dp cannot watch the dc whilst I work.

[cottonTailTrail]

I am in a really tough situation.

Dp works from home but earns very little profit. I currently work 4 days a week. We basically live off my earnings.

Recently dp has become unwell and he cannot look after our dc by himself.

There are no holiday clubs for the Xmas holidays and no family or friends that can help with childcare. Even when holiday clubs resume I will still have inset days and illnesses which mean days off.

Basically I need to be home with my dc whenever they're off school. Understandably my employer is not ok with this.

I have my resignation letter in front of me now and I just don't know how we will survive financially once I leave this job.

Does anyone have any advice or are in a similar situation?

I feel like I will never be able to work again unless I can set up something from home. Or the dc are old enough to look after themselves.

[NettleTea]

Problem is that without your husband receiving any disability allowances, and you being deemed as a carer for him, it wont be as simple as leaving your job and relying on benefits.

You will both be expected to be looking for / earning at least minimum wage and to be looking full time for this work because you have no evidence that they will take notice of that you cant work, and it doesnt sound as if his business is pulling in a full time wage.

You best bet would be looking at ESA for him, if he has earned enough. And if he needs stuff doing for him you MAY be able to apply for PIP. If he is able to get ESA then he would still be able to work a little each week, which may help him, but it might also shift you into the Universal credit scenario where you qualify for help with childcare, and possibly help with rent if you rent

But you simply leaving work will financially mess you right up.

[UnbeatenMum]

This sounds like a very hard situation OP. As a PP mentioned you have the right to apply for unpaid parental leave, it would be worth exploring this before resigning. Alternatively could you take one or two children to work with you with a laptop/tablet, some activity books and a packed lunch? Holiday clubs should open again next year so your employer should understand that it's just a short term issue. You can use your annual leave for inset days. Unless it's vomiting it sounds like DP could cope with one sick child at a time who just needs a duvet day?

I'm not sure what you do but longer term you could look at jobs in colleges or schools (i.e. term time) or something you could do from home if DP is unlikely to get better.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

I agree with the later posters that of course nobody wants anyone who has a disability to do more than they can comfortably, and nobody wants to leave their children in the care of someone who is not able to do a great job.

However that is simply not helpful for the OP because there is no perfect answer for her, and her situation is incredibly precarious. She could end up with no income, unable to access benefits and with the council considering them voluntarily homeless. It is a situation where she absolutely needs to be ruthlessly pragmatic for all their sakes.

OP I am so sorry about your situation, and I wish it wasn’t what it is—this is largely the result of a lack of government support for families, and the stripping back of any support to local government. However please think things through long term, and think of the potential implications.

[Hardbackwriter]

And to be honest I wouldn't want my children in the care of someone who was struggling so badly. The atmosphere would be very difficult for them to deal with.

I wouldn't either, but I'd accept it if the other option was for the family to have no employment and little recourse to benefits. It's also occasional (holidays and illness) care, not how they're cared for the majority of the time.

[SuperbGorgonzola]

The atmosphere in a house where a family of five has barely any income isn't good either.

As others have said, it would have to be a last resort, having exhausted all other options, including the children making an effort with their behaviour and speaking to the employer about a greater degree of flexibility on compassionate grounds. There is nothing to say that OPs workplace has refused this.

[minipie]

The age of the DC is very relevant here.

If they are all 5 and over, then hopefully at least two of them should be able to a) understand that Dad is sick so that means Absolutely No Fighting and b) help a little bit with the practical stuff. Also they will be old enough to be parked in front of screens when they can’t manage to get on.

If they are 5 and under it is going to be much more difficult, although reference to inset days and holiday clubs suggests they are school age.

An au pair is a sensible suggestion although god knows if that would work post Brexit 🙄

In reality this has to be about figuring out ways that your DP can cope with the DC. It’s shit and not going to be ideal for his health, but it’s less shit than having no income. Holiday clubs will come back, so we’re not really talking about that many days.

[BestZebbie]

I agree that you do not quit your job, your DH reduces his to school hours until childcare is available again or quits altogether if he feels he can't physically do both.

Could you find another parent who lives near you who would walk your children to and from school alongside their own as they pass the door anyway, for a small regular payment/you doing some childcare days in the school holidays?
Otherwise if it is a physical disability your DH may be able to drive/use a mobility scooter to cover the distance?

Once the children are home I agree that they need a pre-prepared snack (made by you the night before if DH can't) and a choice of eg: TV/Minecraft/Read a book/Jigsaw/Play with other quiet toys and they get sent to different rooms without these things immediately if they fight, while your DH lies on the sofa and supervises in the most limited "would evacuate them if there was a fire or call 999 if there was an accident" type sense. In the first fortnight he will actively need to split them up a few times (possibly you could still be around but shut away unless needed to split them up for the first week?), after that and a stiff talk about the new normal and consequences of you not being able to work hopefully they might get the message.

[Changechangychange]

I know a person who suffered life-changing injuries after being run over by an HGV. He is confined to bed, but is able to paint. If he sold his paintings I expect he would get pocket money for them (on an hourly basis, assuming they take a while and he doesn’t sell everything he paints). That guy can’t easily take care of young children. But he is entitled to quite a few benefits, and if OP’s DH is at that end of the spectrum, she should not quit but should look into claiming what she is entitled to, downsize the house etc, so she can buy in more care.

I know another person who has diabetes, with a few diabetic complications causing tiredness, and who has a lot of MH issues surrounding that. He doesn’t work due to stress, but he could absolutely look after children, though I’m sure he’d find it tiring. If OP’s DH is closer to that, he IBU not stepping up.

It does also depend on how old the children are. They are school-age, but if they are 4, 5 and 7, they need much more direct oversight than 8, 12 and 15.

[Smallsteps88]

It would be absolute madness to give up a job just to do holiday and illness childcare. Think that through OP. These aren’t pre schoolers that need year round day care. Use a combination of annual leave and parental leave and start prepping the DC and your DP to do the childcare on the days when you can’t get leave. You could perhaps arrange with your employer to take your annual leave as half days so your DP is only doing mornings with the DC which might make things more manageable for him.

[Nousernameforme]

If the children can't behave together then they should stay in their rooms and play until you get home.
Is it the school runs he struggles with? If so speak to school see if there is something they can do to help or a local childminder who can do a pickup/drop off.
Regarding holidays you are going to have to be mega strict with the children and set up a timetable for them on those 4 days each week. Can DP manage cereal for them? You can do up packups the night before for lunch and then separate snacks for midafternoon. Then they have a list of activities to do homework etc that they can manage and a rota for the t.v/video games. Enough to keep them busy for an hour longer then you expect to be needed.

To put it plainly do whatever you can to avoid giving up your job. You would be without money for at least 5 weeks in the run up to Christmas and that's without the rigmarole of sanctions. They would also get onto DP to improve his earning capacity

[PurpleDandelions]

I have been very unwell recently. Pretty much stuck in bed for over a month. And sleeping long hours for many months before this.
The kids had to adapt and deal with it. Taking on more jobs around the house and avoiding creating situations that I couldn't deal with. It was made clear to them that this was just the way it had to be for now.

DH leaving his job was never ever considered.

[OverTheRubicon]

Sounds a lot like my stbxh. Whether or not this is intended, it sounds like he's a fourth child and a very demanding one. If his health is so bad then like others say, you need to look into PIP. I strongly suspect that part of the reason he can be the way he is because you are there to catch him, as well as doing everything else. No wonder you're at the end of your rope.

With my ex, not all been easy since we separated, but honestly it was like a weight lifting off my shoulders. Now I do spend a lot on childcare but actually my ex is able to work and earn properly, when he is with the kids he has some more energy and patience, and I only have to be responsible for myself and my children.

I sympathise with the desire to chuck it all in. But honestly, even if your salary doesn't even cover holiday club or other childcare costs over Christmas, it will still be a lot better in the long run than having no income at all, or running through savings then scraping by on benefits.

[GabsAlot]

you cant quit you wont be eligible for certain benefits

[Longdistance]

I agree with not quitting your job.
Get the kids to behave by separating them ie; one upstairs, two downstairs watching tv, playing games, doing homework.
Also, make sure you are getting all the benefits you’re entitled to. His job isn’t important as it’s not bringing anything in. He needs to get a handle of the dc.

[cheesecake864]

I have school age kids and they are very self sufficient. Youngest is 5 and during Covid first wave when I was working from home they had to adapt.

We would make them a packed lunch and they would be pretty much independent until I finished work at 5.

Yes they snuck into the kitchen and ate too many snacks and spent hours on the Ipad but really we had no choice and they survived.

[OverTheRubicon]

I have three (and am a single mum), you may not be able to pay for childcare for all three but what about for even one? Or you are allowed to bubble with a friend for childcare if perhaps there is a good pairing where an understanding friend could have one child at their place for a few days while you are working, to make it more manageabl As you know, two is very much more manageable, even if it means that he mostly engages one on one while the other is glued to a screen.

You really mustn't quit, right now unless you have a massive trust fund you forgot to mention, you and your family will be massively vulnerable.

[Soubriquet]

How old are the kids?
What is your husband illness?

If they are over 5, he should be able to do minimal care. Let them watch tv whilst he rests on the sofa. Throw snacks at them (or let them get their own snacks).
They will survive until you get home to do a proper dinner

[Hardbackwriter]

Is it the school runs he struggles with? If so speak to school see if there is something they can do to help or a local childminder who can do a pickup/drop off.

From what OP says there's no expectation that he does any childcare on a normal day when they're in school (which I would guess means either that she doesn't work full-time hours on her four days or that they already use wrap-around care) - she says it's holidays and illness that are the problem. Which is why it seems so mad to quit her job entirely - I'd feel a bit differently if she could only work if he was doing extensive childcare every week, but for holidays and emergencies not working at all seems such an extreme solution.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

And to be honest I wouldn't want my children in the care of someone who was struggling so badly. The atmosphere would be very difficult for them to deal with.

While I think this is a fair comment, it's only temporary - holiday clubs etc will start back up again, the holiday year will reset, DP might improve, the children will mature. The status quo isn't permanent, leaving a job is.

[JacobReesMogadishu]

Quitting seems like a knee jerk reaction. If they’re school age and it’s just holidays you buy a Disney subscription and get them watching tv, playing board games with each other, etc. Your dh quits his low paid job so he can watch the kids even if all he can do is sit on the sofa and be in the same room, referee any arguements.

You concentrate on work.

[Ilovechoc12]

Try not to quit - it might be hard to get another job.

Can they all have Amazon fire ? Not ideal but they can spend hrs on them playing games.

I have 4 kids and I put them in their own room - less likely to fight. Once I take away the kindles I need to watch them tightly (5 yrs - 9yrs)

Or set craft ideas , colour pics of girls ?

Lego topics ? Films and write a story?

Au pair ? Spare room and then she could just watch them.

Rewards ! Money or sweets tend to work in our house .

You need to be super organised - meal prep night before makes it easier .

Also, randomly if I add extra children (friends) it mixes everyone up and they all behave so much better !!! Maybe you can get swaps with another mummy .

Surely your partner could help a bit ? As that’s not totally fair on you

[cottonTailTrail]

Thank you to all the supportive comments.

Dc are 4,5&7

Dp cannot just sit in with them all day and watch tv.

He needs to be mobile every few hours so will do a 20 minute walk a few times a day.

He is very anxious and convinces himself the dc will come to harm by falling or similar.

They do not have behavioral problems and are very well behaved but they do fight and dp cannot handle it.

[Smallsteps88]

He can walk with the DC, it will be better for them than staying in all day.

you can contact homestart/sure start/ action for children or even social services to arrange some support for your DC to allay his fears over them hurting themselves in his care. He needs to learn strategies to handle them when they misbehave. That’s just parenting.

[Smallsteps88]

Support for your DP

[Hardbackwriter]

You didn't answer before - did he ever take care of the three of them before he was ill? That might affect considerably how realistic it is for him to find strategies to do it now.