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Overbearing Mil

191 replies

Sweets1991 · 23/10/2020 07:38

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

OP posts:
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Hippywannabe · 23/10/2020 07:41

Has she really not seen the baby at all?

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CoronaIsWatching · 23/10/2020 07:45

You don't have a MIL problem you have a DH problem

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Makegoodchoices · 23/10/2020 07:48

Two weeks with no visitors is not a normal thing.

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Ad3laid3 · 23/10/2020 07:53

So she hasn’t seen the baby at all? My mum and MIL would have been upset too..

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YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 23/10/2020 07:53

YABU to not let grandparents visit IMO.

I would have had a day or two of visits for various people and then asked for a break for a few days (day, 5) and then had them visit again. Then a break... and repeat.

You’re creating unnecessary barriers. Newborns are usually visited and appear to bond with their parents.

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iloverock · 23/10/2020 07:53

I think it's really cruel actually. She just wants to meet her grandchild and have a cuddle.
Is it really going to effect your bond with the baby. No. Of course it's not.
Your his mother therm first thing he looks at. The first thing he smiles at and speaks to.

I can't imagine not being able to meet my grandchild straight away.
Yabu

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ShirleyPhallus · 23/10/2020 07:55

Only on MN do people want to keep their baby hidden away from grandparents for the first 2 weeks

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gretagreengrapes · 23/10/2020 07:58

I dont think you're being unreasonable, your birth and baby, your rules! And I'm considering doing a similar thing myself.

It's not like you've said she can never come round, its just 2 weeks!

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ShinyGreenElephant · 23/10/2020 07:59

She sounds dreadful. If you want 2 weeks thats your choice. Newborns don't need anyone but their mums. My mum and MIL wouldn't have been happy either but they would have put up with it. This is such a crap time for new mums you need support not people moaning at you because they're not getting their own way

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frazzledasarock · 23/10/2020 08:00

I really don’t get the desperation to see babies.

The MIL sounds crazy, & OP & DH appear to be kicking back in response.

Is she even allowed to come in to your house during current Covid rules?

I really don’t think the birth is any of her business however, your medical information is nothing to do with her. She sounds utterly demented on that score.

Your DH needs to decide how he wants to handle his mother and do it. We live in an area where currently visitors can only meet socially distanced outside due to Covid rules. Neighbours around us are calling the police as well.

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Iloveacurry · 23/10/2020 08:00

She doesn’t sound very nice. But really, what’s this 2 weeks to bond and no visitors? Is this some new thing since the 12 years when I had my first, along with baby showers?!

Honestly it wouldn’t kill you to let her pop over to meet the baby would it? I just wonder how you would feel if in 30 years time your son and DIL did the same to you.

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Disfordarkchocolate · 23/10/2020 08:01

She may be over the top but it's odd not to let people, especially the grandparents, see a new baby for the first two weeks.

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rorosemary · 23/10/2020 08:01

Let your DH handle it. Don't pick up your phone. His mother, his problem.

She'd love me, I'm pregnant and very vulnerable so nobody will be visiting till there is a vaccine. Not what I wanted but it's necessary.

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Sleepforever · 23/10/2020 08:12

Absolutely nothing you have described is narcissistic. Do you actually understand what a narcissist is?

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Jayaywhynot · 23/10/2020 08:13

I'm all for allowing new parents to set their own ground rules but I really don't understand the 2 week rule, it must be a new thing.
When a baby is born the family are excited to meet them, I agree with the pp who said couldn't you allow visits then say no more visitors for 5 days then repeat?
It does seem cruel to not allow the grandparents to meet the new baby.
Your MIL isn't a narcissistic she's a hurt lady who's not allowed to meet her grandchild

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Chloemol · 23/10/2020 08:16

Ignore those saying it’s not normal etc. Your baby, your rules, you know how you feel and what you want to do

Your dh is taking the brunt of it because it’s him she is phoning. Give in now and you set the scene for the future

Why not set a date now and let her know, she then has some idea of when

But also set rules, come at xx and you will need to leave by yyy. Please call before you decide to visit in the future etc etc

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mamaof2girls · 23/10/2020 08:18

I don't think your being unrealistic considering there is a pandemic going on I get depends where you are depends on the rule. But no one seen my daughter for 2/3 weeks and even then it was distanced then my in laws didn't see her till around week5/6 due to distance and the rules. And no one held her for any little cuddles till she was around 9/10 weeks. I know people say kids don't get affected my corona but am sorry I wasn't taking that risk with a newborn. I wouldn't forgive my self just for someone to get a cuddle off her as a new born!

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VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 08:24

Most new grandparents would be heartbroken in this situation. As a pp said, what would it cost you to let her see your baby for an hour or so? You know that massive rush of love you got when you saw your baby’s face for the first time? Grandmas get that too.

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LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 23/10/2020 08:25

I don't know anyone in real life who would impose a ban like this. No wonder MiL is upset.

You do realise it isn't normal, don't you?

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FlatandFabulous · 23/10/2020 08:25

Every time I come on MN and read posts like this I am so grateful for my gorgeous DIL. She texted me earlier to suggest I come for cuddles with her 2 month old because I haven't seen her since Tuesday. She sends me photos and videos when the baby does something cute, I love her!

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FedUpAtHomeTroels · 23/10/2020 08:26

@iloverock

I think it's really cruel actually. She just wants to meet her grandchild and have a cuddle.
Is it really going to effect your bond with the baby. No. Of course it's not.
Your his mother therm first thing he looks at. The first thing he smiles at and speaks to.

I can't imagine not being able to meet my grandchild straight away.
Yabu

Same for me. I have sons I hope teir partners don't want this.
My MIL came by daily and cuddled while I had a long relaxing hot shower. Bliss. She would also get him dressed for me and make me cups of tea. My own Mum lived 5000 miles away so didn't see him till 3 months.
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foreverandalways · 23/10/2020 08:30

Wow...she is the grandmother and simply wishes to help and support you.....take all the help offered...trust me you will need the rest...she is just excited and happy...I unfortunately am not allowed to see my grandson due to my daughters behaviour and miss him terribly...call her and invite her to your home to spend time with you all as a family and explain to her how you feel

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Whatelsecouldibecalled · 23/10/2020 08:32

Whilst it’s your choice I do think it’s unusual.

My first baby was born in the middle of lockdown and I was desperate for my parents to meet him and hold him after fighting for four years to have him. But I wasn’t allowed.

I personally think you’re being unreasonable with grandparents but if you really don’t want it your DH has to intervene.

Hope you’re not expecting MIL to provide childcare further down the line...

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Gin4thewin · 23/10/2020 08:36

I mean i get the wanting to decompress when you get home. When DD was born, she was prem and i was meant to be stuck on the ward for 5 days so i allowed and appreciated the visitors. When she did come home 2 weeks later though, i did ask for no visitors for a couple of days. I do think 2 weeks is a bit much imo, an hour or 2 isnt going to demolish your bond or cause any long lasting damage. My mum can be very..erm...forceful and difficult and she pulled faces when i told her a wanted a couple of days, i just told her id lock the door if she was going to ignore me.

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Mo81 · 23/10/2020 08:40

I think your being a bit precious op my mil would be heart broken if i did this to her.

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