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Original poster

Overbearing Mil

191 replies

Sweets1991 · 23/10/2020 07:38

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

OP posts:
MoreCookiesPlease · 23/10/2020 08:46

I really don't get the concept of not allowing anyone to visit for the first two weeks. So it was ok for MIL to house you temporarily but now you want to stop her from visiting her new grandchild?

IMO you're being precious and a bit of a drama queen. Had you had her visiting on day two or three for example she could have come for a quick visit and cuddle and then left - and everyone would be ok with that. You really don't need two weeks of exclusive you time with baby uninterrupted by visitors to form a bond.

Maybe she thinks you had a bad birth experience and are traumatised and that's why you're not having any visitors? I know my friend spiralled into deep PND after her first and also didn't allow any visitors as it was too overwhelming for her and she only wanted her DW.

HollowTalk · 23/10/2020 08:54

I'm so glad my DIL isn't like you. I've welcomed her into my home, too, and the thought that she'd be as nasty as this is horrifying.

I think the only reason she can think you might be like this is PND - she's giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Think how much you love your baby - well, that's how much she loves her son. Think how you'd love to hold your child's new baby in your arms one day - that's exactly how she feels.

JimandPam · 23/10/2020 08:56

What is the reason that you never got beyond politeness and pleasantries when you lived with them? Surely they are family unless there is a terrible back story?

Whilst I know MN is very much 'your baby, your rules' I don't know anyone in real life who imposes such a ban.

You seem to really hate her but I can't see anything in your post to explain why? Have your parents and family not seen your DS too and how have they reacted?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
razey · 23/10/2020 08:56

So they are okay to let you stay with them but can't see your child

You seem pleasant

Aprild25 · 23/10/2020 08:58

I find it really strange that people are saying it isn't normal to not let visitors see baby for two weeks. It is completely normal and it is entirely up to you whenever you feel ready. Grandparents do not have any rights to your child at all and you should not be made to feel guilty for wanting time to bond with your baby and recover. I am absolutely the same and would ask for at least two weeks before visitors.

Your MIL is behaving like a petulant child and I would be telling her that she needs to leave you alone or she won't be visiting at all.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby and don't let her ruin this time Flowers

Jollypostman1991 · 23/10/2020 09:00

I think it depends where she lives. If they’re far away and would have to stay for a whole day because of the journey time then I think it’s reasonable to ask for two weeks to just be in a baby bubble (if that’s what you want). If she lives within a half hour radius then I think it’s mean not to let her pop in for an hour.

I have a terrible relationship with my MIL and find her very overbearing. I completely understand that the more she pushes the more you’ll dig your heels in and feel disrespected. You kind of set her up to fail by asking for this two week period of no visiting though.

LiveFatsDieYoGnu · 23/10/2020 09:01

I can't imagine keeping grandparents away from their new grandchild for two weeks, except in extreme cases of e.g. abuse - and if you were prepared to live with her for your own convenience it doesn't seem likely that this is such an extreme case. And yes, I am speaking as someone who had a baby at the beginning of this pandemic, so I do know what it is like. Frankly it just seems cruel to keep them from meeting the baby for such a long time.

Magnoliasstreet · 23/10/2020 09:02

@Chloemol

Ignore those saying it’s not normal etc. Your baby, your rules, you know how you feel and what you want to do

Your dh is taking the brunt of it because it’s him she is phoning. Give in now and you set the scene for the future

Why not set a date now and let her know, she then has some idea of when

But also set rules, come at xx and you will need to leave by yyy. Please call before you decide to visit in the future etc etc

I agree with all of this!

I had a week with no visitors which I absolutely loved. Ignore anyone who says you are being unreasonable. I am having two weeks with no visitors for the next baby. I want time to just bond, heal get to grips with breastfeeding without having to hide upstairs.

Just do what you want. You won’t get this time again. MIL has had her babies. You do what you want with yours!

VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 09:02

I find it really strange that people are saying it isn't normal to not let visitors see baby for two weeks. It is completely normal

Clearly it isn’t normal. It might be in your world but it certainly isn’t in on the planet most people inhabit.

Mintjulia · 23/10/2020 09:05

To all the people saying wanting to be alone with the baby for two weeks is weird, no it isn't.

Basic maternal instinct can cause a new mother to want to protect her newborn. It's completely natural especially if that mother doesn't feel completely comfortable with the visitor, which OP might not.

It might not suit everyone but two weeks is nothing in the long run. Stick to your guns OP if that is what makes you secure. Don't feel forced to conform. And congratulations.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 23/10/2020 09:05

YANBU ...... I’d want to keep her as far away from me and my child as possible.

Two weeks can seem like a long time for family to wait to meet a newborn BUT as the parents of the baby these are your wishes and people should respect them.

You don’t need this behaviour from her when you’ve just had a baby. Your DH needs to be quite firm with her and manage her.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 23/10/2020 09:14

YANBU to want two weeks with your baby to yourselves... you can share them for the rest of their life.

She might not like it, and that’s fine... but the reactions you describe from her are not in the normal range.

Completely understand that you don’t want to share intimate details of your birth and recovery with someone you don’t feel emotionally close to.

Her pushing is just driving you further away. You will have to see her at some point... but leave it to your DH to do all the communication.

Pamelaaaaa · 23/10/2020 09:23

Poor lady. Probably incredibly excited by the birth of her grandchild and not allowed an hour to actually see it!

I'd be devastated if I was her. While it might be yours baby, your rules, it isn't normal, is very controlling and seems like you are taking advantage of your 'power' to be cruel. Maybe when your child grows up and has their own children you'll feel rather embarrassed by your actions.

When I had dd my mum (and my own grandparents and sibling and friends) all came round over the following days for a visit. Still had me plenty of hours with dd alone and we've bonded perfectly well 🙄

OhioOhioOhio · 23/10/2020 09:47

She's not a narc. She's pissed off. I despised my now xmil but I never dreamt of doing that 2 week thing.

London91 · 23/10/2020 09:56

I understand the need for some privacy with a newborn, but I don't think short visits will hurt. My DD was born during lock down, I was in hospital for 4 nights due to complications, so my in-laws did not meet her until she was 5 days old. They came and had a quick visit the evening I got home. I was in agony and could have done without it, but I do understand they just wanted to meet baby and have a cuddle. Then I had a few days without seeing them.

Your baby, your rules but I see no problem if you set some boundaries if you do decide to allow them to see baby.

MamaMoonbeam · 23/10/2020 09:57

YANBU - it's your life. My DS chose to do the same. My mum moaned about it to us but didn't pester my sister!
Don't give in just because she's being a pest, you'll regret it! xx

Zipitydoodah · 23/10/2020 10:02

I would be so sad if I was your mother in law. Family is so important and a grandchild is something so special.
She shared her home with you to help you out; that's what loving families do. You won't let her see her new grandchild!
Makes me sad, at a time when kindness and appreciating the love of family is so important and how things can change in a moment, you are being cruel. You are also making things so much harder for yourselves in the long run.

LilaButterfly · 23/10/2020 10:04

I feel sorry for your MIL.

MegaClutterSlut · 23/10/2020 10:04

Tbh i find the 2 week thing weird and I wouldn't dream of doing that to my in laws, they were just excited as us! A quick visit wouldn't hurt, and tbh I do think its you keeping her away. I hope I don't have any dils like that.....its really shitty

Enko · 23/10/2020 10:05

I am another who doesn't get the need for 2 weeks to bond. One of the ways I grew close to my lovely in laws was watching them fall in love with and love on my children.

Having said that your mil does sound like she is reacting strongly but to me it sounds like your dh is dealing with it?

Redcups64 · 23/10/2020 10:06

A brand new grandchild and not allowed to see them for two weeks- your using your child as a weapon and this is not normal.

3 days, fine- 2 weeks, that’s just nasty really.

I’d be heartbroken if I wasn’t allowed to meet my new grandchild for 2 weeks

LeaveMyDamnJam · 23/10/2020 10:07

One day you might well be the grandmother and your son is saying stay away.

Whilst her behaviour sounds extreme, allowing a 30 minute visit really wouldn’t have been a big deal.

FelicityPike · 23/10/2020 10:09

That’s really sad.
I hope your future DIL doesn’t treat you with such horrific disdain.
Cruel.

Sakesman · 23/10/2020 10:12

She may be overbearing and a pain, but the two week thing will generally be perceived as mad. I can understand why you want it, but culturally it’s a weird ask. I think it’s natural for extended family to be excited to visit.

thebabessavedme · 23/10/2020 10:15

well, its a funny old world, we have endless threads about 'uncaring grandparents' who are not involved enough, then we have a poor woman who has looked forward to being a grandmother called loony because she is upset at what she must feel as total rejection.

she was good enough to use while you saved your money, and yeah, you may have contributed to the household bills but clearly it wasnt so much that you were not able to save, you appear to not want any meaningful relationship with the mother of your husband and now you are using your 'power' to keep her in check, you better hope you never need to ask for her help in future! I know what my answer would be!

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