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Original poster

Overbearing Mil

191 replies

Sweets1991 · 23/10/2020 07:38

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

OP posts:
Englishgirl9 · 23/10/2020 12:51

I've just had a baby during lockdown (5 months old now) & I'd have loved visitors to come see him.

I understand not feeling up to hosting every family member and friend who wants to meet the baby during those first few weeks. But to stop the grandparents from even an hour visit is just a bit mean and seems unnecessarily controlling. What difference would one short visit make to your day vs the huge amount of joy it would bring to your MIL?

It seems like some vindictive power play from you tbh.

Rightthen24 · 23/10/2020 12:54

YABU. Your being completely in my opinion abit of a cow! I was in hospital with my newborn for 2 weeks because he was poorly, I managed to bond with my baby in NICU juat fine and I couldn't wait to see my close friends and family. I was happy for family to visit us in hospital once baby was no longer in NICU.
Yes, it's your child but that child is also you MIL grandchild. You might juat need her at some point so I wouldn't push her away completely. You can set boundaries in a polite way but personally you just sound like a brat!

Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 12:55

@Sweets1991

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

If she capable calling her son names, she is capable calling your child names too. Protect your child.

Let your husband know there is no way you will let both of your child be treated that way.

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GeorgiaGirl52 · 23/10/2020 12:57

@iloverock

I think it's really cruel actually. She just wants to meet her grandchild and have a cuddle. Is it really going to effect your bond with the baby. No. Of course it's not. Your his mother therm first thing he looks at. The first thing he smiles at and speaks to.

I can't imagine not being able to meet my grandchild straight away.
Yabu

I totally agree with the above^. What do you think will happen? The baby will see Grandmother and instantly love her and hate you?
I hope your DIL does not treat you this way when your grandchild is born. When you are a grandmother yourself you will understand.
ReggaetonLente · 23/10/2020 13:02

I do get it OP, i do often look back and think how much easier and more comfortable it would have been recovering and establishing bf without the world and his wife sat on my sofa. But my mum and brother in particular would have been gutted, i couldn't have done that to them.

I'm pregnant again now and - covid allowing - I'm going to say one set of visitors a day, and for an hour max. Obviously i won't communicate this to them but DH is going to take charge!

Can you not let her round for 30 mins while you have a shower? You might find it does you good!

dreamingofsun · 23/10/2020 13:13

saying 'your baby your rules' is a stupid thing to say. it doesnt excuse you from maintaining decent behaviour and consideration for others.....or it shouldnt.

MegaClutterSlut · 23/10/2020 13:16

I agree with others in that it sounds like a control thing. You were quite happy to live with her and use her to save for a deposit though of course. Again it really does sound like all these issues created stem from you so yes she should be blaming you. I feel sorry for your dh tbh

MinnieMountain · 23/10/2020 13:19

You’re being mean.

You don’t say how your MIL was before you had a baby, but it sounds likes she’s upset.

My MIL was a bit overwhelming when DS was born as she was so excited at being a DGM at last. She met him in the hospital and visited every few days. Entirely normal I think.

Are you planning on staying in for 2 weeks or will you be glaring at strangers who even dare to glance in your baby’s direction? Because otherwise you’re saying that the general public can meet her grandchild before she can. Which is downright horrible.

Alexandernevermind · 23/10/2020 13:21

What did she so wrong to deserve this? However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries
Yes she is being overbearing perhaps, but her behaviour is probably a result of your own cold, withdrawn attitude. Of course she is going to be excited and keen to see her first grandchild, and like others said, imagine yourself in her position in 20/30 years time. Would a quick 15 minute visit really hurt?

EL8888 · 23/10/2020 13:22

@dreamingofsun why is it stupid? They can make their own choices about their child. You can’t do everything by committee. What happens if MIL doesn’t like the name, SIL thinks the baby should be toilet trained by a year old, great auntie thinks baby should be vegan etc

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 13:25

Mumsnet makes me so sad that maybe one day I'll have a DIL who just wants to shut me out.

My own mil used to do my head in, but I really started to examine why, and it was largely a territorial thing. Which is utterly ridiculous and I've managed to let 99% of it go.

As my son gets older I realise the love she has for my husband is the same as the love I have for my son and I would hate to be pushed out just because a wife appears on the scene!

Worldwide2 · 23/10/2020 13:26

I think you have every right to want 2 weeks to yourself with YOUR baby. They have all that babies life to get to know/hold/bond.
It's drives me nuts when ppl expect you to accommodate everyone else's feelings but yours get completely ignored.
Your not saying forever just to get used to being a parent to your baby I totally get it.
Other ppl who gave their baby for 'cuddles' while they sat blissfully drinking tea, great but thats not for everyone. You need to do what ever makes you comfortable and happy.
I think her disregard for both your wishes needs to be addressed. Especially calling your husband names ect she needs to calm down and just wait.
Overbearing indeed.

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 13:29

Babies aren't owned by anyone so all this 'your baby your rules' stuff isn't nuanced enough to deal with the intricate way we interact as humans and as family members.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 23/10/2020 13:34

What bizarre behaviour....i couldn't wait for family and friends to meet my new babies...i loved showing them off...i also have 2 sons and hope they dont marry women like the Op.

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 13:38

@myusernamewastakenbyme

What bizarre behaviour....i couldn't wait for family and friends to meet my new babies...i loved showing them off...i also have 2 sons and hope they dont marry women like the Op.
It's worst nightmare territory! I would be gutted
4amWitchingHour · 23/10/2020 13:46

Whilst a lot of PPs don't understand this and wanted to "show off their baby" I was grateful for semi-lockdown and not having visitors for 3 weeks.

We wanted to give it 2 clear weeks out of hospital so we knew we were Covid-free before our parents came round. Best decision we ever made, I couldn't have handled visitors before that point anyway.

I find the whole concept of showing off a baby utterly bizarre anyway. I just wanted to hunker down and hibernate with my newborn. Any visitor would have been an unwelcome intrusion (yes, including my mum).

Lozza70 · 23/10/2020 13:46

Echo what others have said. Imagine in future if your DIL acts like you have. Would it have killed you to let her see the baby briefly in the first week home and get your DH to manage expectations on frequency or calling time on a visit if getting to much for you?

VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 13:50

[quote EL8888]@dreamingofsun why is it stupid? They can make their own choices about their child. You can’t do everything by committee. What happens if MIL doesn’t like the name, SIL thinks the baby should be toilet trained by a year old, great auntie thinks baby should be vegan etc[/quote]
This epitomes what makes MN such a fucking bonkers place sometimes. Granny wants to see and hold her new grandson, not take over his entire childhood.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 14:00

You can’t do everything by committee. What happens if MIL doesn’t like the name, SIL thinks the baby should be toilet trained by a year old, great auntie thinks baby should be vegan etc

Yes, because these things are equatable to wanting to meet your grandkid. 😂

Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 14:17

Even if you think two week wait is unreasonable, is it reasonable for a MIL to call her son and call him names? Does he really needed to put up with that because what his wife want to do is best for the baby? If my kids requested this, I would gladly wait for their sake’s. Because I want them to be a happy parents.

MumChats · 23/10/2020 14:23

Agree with PPs who have said she just sounds hurt and sad. Unless there's some kind of backstory (there doesn't seem to be) it's a shame to keep her away. I've also never heard of bonding being affected by seeing other people.

On MN there seems to be a culture of "it's your baby etc" - i totally disagree - it's only your son or daughter but the baby will be family to loads of other people too: a grandchild, a nephew, niece, cousin. A baby is a person not a possession, i don't see why there's this limit on sharing and one of the joys of a new baby is watching it bring families together and spread happiness.

dreamingofsun · 23/10/2020 14:36

Poster describes MIL as 'overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist'.

I looked up the definition of a narcissist and it says 'self-centred, arrogant thinking and behaviour, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people'.

To be honest you both sound quite similar. Guess your husband has chosen you based on his mother.....lets hope for your sake your son doesnt do the same when he grows up

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 14:36

@Blueberries0112

Even if you think two week wait is unreasonable, is it reasonable for a MIL to call her son and call him names? Does he really needed to put up with that because what his wife want to do is best for the baby? If my kids requested this, I would gladly wait for their sake’s. Because I want them to be a happy parents.
That’s great, and your medal is in the post. However not one person has said it’s ok to call her son names etc. So I’m not sure what you’re on about?

Although it has been questioned how accurate the ops description is of what’s occurring, because let’s face it, folks do like to exaggerate on here to make sure responses are on their side. So many people like to engage in critical thinking and look at the core issue at hand.

The op clearly hates her mother in laws guts, and this is a prime opportunity to stick it to her, and the mother in law is behaving terribly if indeed she is abusing her son. However taking into account this is a woman who let them move in, who was pleasant throughout in the ops own words, who thought their relationship was stronger. And who the op and her husband happily bit their hand off to move in, and for what seems some considerable time, it would appear unusual that she’s suddenly turned into an abuser.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 23/10/2020 14:45

Jeez a new baby is supposed to be a happy event...a time to celebrate etc....all this nonsense about needing to bond and be alone for a certain time is very controlling.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 23/10/2020 14:48

When I had my youngest (DC4 and not my first rodeo) I was practically begging my in laws to come over for an hour so I could have a bath Grin. And my in laws are a little overbearing if truth be told.
I still bonded with said DC...in fact at 8 years old people would say a little too bonded...he’s a proper mommy’s boy 😂.

When baby gets older or you have more children you are going to look back at yourself and be somewhat embarrassed by your actions.

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