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Original poster

Overbearing Mil

191 replies

Sweets1991 · 23/10/2020 07:38

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2020 18:04

@Blueberries0112

Other than the fact that her MIL doesn’t respect that’s who she is.... a private person

Funny how she and her DH didn't mind invading MIL's privacy for 3 months when she offered to house them?

Nor did their privacy seem to be an issue when it was financially beneficial to move in with her.

The OP seems to be very selective about what's important when it comes to what suits/benefits her.

The upshot is she knows her MIL is upset but is not only determined not to alleviate the this with something as simple as an hour long visit and the opportunity to take a few pictures but is further threading not to allow her child's GM to hold her ever....

In other words cause great upset and even a family rift that might have long term repercussions so she can bond with her newborn (which is a ridiculous reason in the sense that they baby will bond with its parents regardless of numerous family visits/cuddles).

It's cruel and controlling behaviour and privacy has nothing to do with it.

PanamaPattie · 23/10/2020 18:13

I didn't see my first GC for over two weeks because my DIL wanted some time to recover. I respected her decision. I didn't miss much. He was still gorgeous when I met him.

Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 18:17

Just let it go. Two weeks isn’t going to hurt you. Worry about it after two weeks is up. Doctors recommended babies should not be out and about because they don’t have all their vaccines anyway, and babies can get sick or die even over a cold sore. It’s a lot of things going on in her mind. Not about how she is being controlling.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2020 18:28

@Blueberries0112

Just let it go. Two weeks isn’t going to hurt you. Worry about it after two weeks is up. Doctors recommended babies should not be out and about because they don’t have all their vaccines anyway, and babies can get sick or die even over a cold sore. It’s a lot of things going on in her mind. Not about how she is being controlling.

You're talking like the OP is the injured party here.

Her MIL is upset as a direct result of her choices - she's instigated this situation and worse still seems happy to escalate it further.

I'm honestly baffled why all this distress is worth it when as pp's have suggested there's a perfectly reasonable happy medium of a short visit then a 5 day "alone" time - rinse and repeat.

As stands the MIL is upset. Her DH is upset dealing with his upset mother and the OP is upset because of how MIL is processing her upset.

It's a vicious circle that benefits nobody.

Muddybuddy · 23/10/2020 18:35

My parents in law came to visit while I was still in the hospital having had their first grandchild. I really didn’t want them there at the time, I was exhausted, had no clue what I was doing etc etc but in the grand scheme of things, it did not matter. They were so excited and happy and they love that child so much. I’m glad I didn’t stop them coming even though I didn’t want them to. I remember being just like them when I visited my nephew when my sister was still in hospital having had him. I was sooo excited. And she was glad to see that excitement and love. hospital visit isn’t for everyone of course, some people would say it’s way too early, but the point is valid. A new baby is joyous, preventing close family from seeing them for 2 weeks, ignoring text messages and threatening to never let them hold your precious baby is cruel and controlling. How are you going to move past it op? Damage is done

Nsky · 23/10/2020 18:36

Two weeks is too long if near, I mean why?
She just wants to see her grandson and hold, very natural.
Surely you understand.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/10/2020 18:44

I wonder if she's speculating on your 'traumatic' birth because she suspects your two week rule to be a result of the onset of PND.

MinnieMountain · 23/10/2020 19:04

And it’s not “showing off the baby”. OP isn’t talking about taking it into work.

Sara2000 · 23/10/2020 19:12

She should have respected your wishes. But I think she has a right to feel put out and I suspect you've done it deliberately in some sort of power play. I think you and DH are being needlessly dickish.

Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 20:40

The way I look at it, if both parents agreed to have two weeks of privacy (she did say her husband is a private person too), and serious about it too, you have two choices, you can stay angry and continue to give them a hard time Or leave them alone and wait. Yes, I know it seems cruel but and I myself don’t understand why even a fifteen minute visitation can hurt unless they are afraid of coronavirus or flu with them being so little. I didn’t let anyone come unless they have whooping vaccines. You can’t control what they do, just only what you do. And who knows, they may change their mind.

But my mother and my in-laws got to see my daughter at the hospital on the day she was born, after that, I was left alone because that was my wishes due to demand feeding (kids were low weight- one was 5 lbs 3oz) and all

Bellevu · 23/10/2020 21:15

Cousin had a baby during deepest lockdown and very vulnerable in-laws couldn't meet the baby. Daughter in law came up with a plan where they visited the in-laws so they could see the baby through the bay window of the front garden and cooed over the phone.

The pictures of that moment are absolutely beautiful, especially granny watching her son hold his daughter 💙 ❤ .

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 21:15

I kind of feel bad that op has left, probably quite upset...

Feel bad because she's a very very new mother etc... still think she's unreasonable though

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 21:17

@Bellevu

Cousin had a baby during deepest lockdown and very vulnerable in-laws couldn't meet the baby. Daughter in law came up with a plan where they visited the in-laws so they could see the baby through the bay window of the front garden and cooed over the phone.

The pictures of that moment are absolutely beautiful, especially granny watching her son hold his daughter 💙 ❤ .

Awww beautiful!
DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2020 21:34

@Bellevu

Cousin had a baby during deepest lockdown and very vulnerable in-laws couldn't meet the baby. Daughter in law came up with a plan where they visited the in-laws so they could see the baby through the bay window of the front garden and cooed over the phone.

The pictures of that moment are absolutely beautiful, especially granny watching her son hold his daughter 💙 ❤ .

How lovely Thanks

MinnieMountain · 23/10/2020 21:36

She shouldn’t have posted on AIBU then @ivftake1. It’s not know for being sensitive.

DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2020 21:39

@ivftake1

I kind of feel bad that op has left, probably quite upset...

Feel bad because she's a very very new mother etc... still think she's unreasonable though

Doubt she's as upset as her MIL.

Struggling for any sympathy if I'm honest on this one.

Feels like in 30 years with a DIL like herself would would be karma..

But yes she's gone as most people haven't agreed with her...and to fair it's hard to hear you're behaving like a controlling nasty twit.

jblue2018 · 23/10/2020 21:55

I understand where you are coming from. After I had DD (emergency c section) my PIL rocked up at the hospital without asking while I still had the effing catheter in !! I was furious as I’m a really private person too.

But now - over a year later - I get it. They were so excited to meet their grand daughter and they love her to bits. Next time I’d just tell DH to lay off phoning them for a few hours after the birth 😂

I would let them visit but say you are only up to an hour or two and can they bring a home cooked meal !!

BoomyBooms · 23/10/2020 22:08

I have no idea how so many grandparents are so entitled! Grandparents have absolutely zero right of access to a child, absolutely unreasonable to demand it. Shes had her children. You are having yours now, if you want time to enjoy being three of you then you can have it. You might hurt her feelings but she needs to get over it. It's not her baby it's yours.

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 22:11

@MinnieMountain

She shouldn’t have posted on AIBU then *@ivftake1*. It’s not know for being sensitive.
Maybe she's new here
Hellothere19999 · 23/10/2020 22:15

Hmmmm I get that it’s your choice and all that but I believe it’s fair enough for family to want to meet the baby.... it goes so quickly and that time of them pleasantly being held doesn’t last long, especially for other family members... also like sometimes a mum or MIL is handy to watch the baby or make you a brew or even wash up 🤷🏻‍♀️

user1471562688 · 23/10/2020 22:31

One day you will be "this woman". Imagine when your "precious sons" wife/partner look at you like this. Think about it.

undercoverperfectionista · 23/10/2020 22:44

I think it's sad you've kept her away for bonding, but it's sad she's resorted to insulting her son. I would of probably made up some Covid time thing instead, if you really felt the need.

MoreCookiesPlease · 23/10/2020 22:55

And.... The OP has flounced! Doubt she's coming back!

VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 22:58

@MoreCookiesPlease

And.... The OP has flounced! Doubt she's coming back!
Unsurprisingly. I don’t imagine she thought the thread would go the way it has.
Krampusasbabysitter · 23/10/2020 23:20

OP, you sound a bit controlling. I totally get that you want some time to recover and bond but would agree that it is very cruel to not let grandparents see the baby for two weeks. They were good enough to for you to let you stay. If there is Karma, one day you will be treated the same, and maybe, just maybe understand that you were very unkind.