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Original poster

Overbearing Mil

191 replies

Sweets1991 · 23/10/2020 07:38

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

OP posts:
Redcups64 · 23/10/2020 10:15

I really hope I never have a daughter in law like you, she put you up to help you out and in return a 2 week ban. I really can’t get over that, this world has just turned mad.

Your baby, your rules applies to things, yes, but not things like this-I hope you never need help again in the future, because I think you will be in for a shock.

I would call MIL and tell her you are very emotional and vulnerable and apologise for taking it out on her.

I think I’m years to come when you have been a parent for a good 10-15 years you will look back on this and be embarrassed a little.

Scweltish · 23/10/2020 10:16

This isn’t about you ‘bonding’ with the baby op, this is about control. Would it really have made a difference to let her pop round for even 5-10 minutes to meet her grandchild? I feel sorry for your oh having to stick up for his wife when she’s being nasty to his mother. I pray my future dil’s aren’t as horrible as you.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 23/10/2020 10:18

It doesn't sound like a 'needing to bond' thing, it sounds like a 'you letting her know who's boss' thing.

The problem with you pulling the strings like this is that you're creating a dynamic where she won't bond properly and you'll be on here in 3-5 years complaining that she
doesn't care about your kid.

I totally get needing privacy etc, but would 30 mins every few days kill you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
JellyNo15 · 23/10/2020 10:19

You know the immense amount of love you feel for your baby. Well that is how she feels about her child, your DH. Can you imagine not getting a short visit and cuddle with your baby's baby when newborn. Have a bit of empathy, you expect it from everyone else.

My friend has just become a grandmother and she at least got to see the baby through the window due to covid restrictions.

GammyLeg · 23/10/2020 10:21

Two weeks?! Why can’t she stop by for an hour?

DownThePlath · 23/10/2020 10:25

The word 'narcissist' gets thrown around way too often on here. I know a diagnosed one in real life, and I can you bet you that he is a million times different to the people who love to label their MIL as one Hmm

You sound precious and mean. Good enough to stay with, but not good enough to let her even see her grandchild. Just so weird.

Gilead · 23/10/2020 10:25

Wow! I cannot believe you would be so incredibly cruel. She must be in pieces.

Dillydallyingthrough · 23/10/2020 10:29

OP I didn't do the 2 weeks things that seems to be very popular now BUT I can see the benefits of it and it is completely up to you! Not holding a baby for 2 weeks is not cruel or going to cause any long term relationship issues. My DM didn't hold my DD for a month due to a number of reasons, they are very close now (more than most kids with GPs). The idea on here that if you don't hold a baby for 2 weeks means you cannot bond is ridiculous. Do what you want, it may help if you explain why you are doing it. She has no right to any personal information and your DH should tell her that you don't want to discuss it. Congratulations Flowers

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2020 10:30

" Two weeks and no visitors is not a normal thing " Grin

we are in a pandemic - regardless of MIL!

OP this dreadful and I am thinking of, when I have the time of starting a charity to help women cope with dreadful mils after the birth of their DC because if you have not had this pressure etc when you're so vulnerable then you cant understand it .

My own Mil ruined the birth of my first DD - I have never forgotton it - and I struggle to get over it - I was so vulnerable at the time.

OP - in the mean time - you only invite the abuse in - if you answered the calls and texts. Tell your DH to stop interacting and reading her shite.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2020 10:32

Of course if ops MIL was kind and reasonable = she would understand the two week thing and even if slightly hurt - borne it with good grace and accepted in and be soon to her GC...and op would not have posted on here....

Sally872 · 23/10/2020 10:32

I would never stop a grandparent meeting my baby. I think not allowing her to see baby is hurtful.

She shouldn't be calling names or prying but it is understands she is hurt and upset.

If she was good enough to live with politely a visit should be manageable.

I van understand not wanting many visitors but excluding very close family is unnecessary.

dreamingofsun · 23/10/2020 10:34

another who hopes she doesnt have a DIL like you....or at least that my sons will stand up to them.

So they help you out by putting you up in their house and in return you dont allow them to see their grandchild for even a short time.

And when they phone you say its a 'distraction'. forgive me but you sound like a nut case. remember this if you ever want a favour from them again....

SBTLove · 23/10/2020 10:34

Very petty and nasty towards your Mil, she allowed you to live in her house to benefit you and you won’t allow her a 10 minn visit to her new grandchild.
There will come a time when you will need a babysitter and don’t be surprised when she says no.
Your baby having a hug from granny won’t harm the bond with you, not that long ago when you stayed in hospital there was thing called ‘visiting hour’ you know when you had visitors!

FieldOverFence · 23/10/2020 10:35

@GammyLeg

Two weeks?! Why can’t she stop by for an hour?
This ..... I'm not sure how an hours visit with a grandparent will damage your bonding with the baby

You haven't said if covid restrictions are a factor in your thinking, or any other risk factors, but as a general principle i think waiting 2 weeks to have grandparents visit is mean

SBTLove · 23/10/2020 10:38

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!
So ppl really talk about themselves like
this?
Honestly OP you sound insufferable and a user.

eurochick · 23/10/2020 10:39

I've only ever heard of the two week thing on MN. It seems odd to push close family away for that period and I really don't understand the logic (pandemic aside). She's being difficult now but she must feel hurt.

fabulous40s · 23/10/2020 10:41

You sound pretty weird to be honest.

Mischance · 23/10/2020 10:43

If you want 2 weeks on your own then that is your choice; but I think it is a very weird choice and you are being a bit too precious.

And it will make your MIL all the more pushy.

A new life in the family is a treasure for everyone; the whole family dynamic changes and it is a joy for all.

DownThePlath · 23/10/2020 10:43

However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

Also find this beyond strange. What have you got against this poor woman? You sound so unfriendly, and a bit of a user to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 10:45

She’s behaving badly but she did you a huge favour in letting you live with her and not letting her meet her grandchild for two weeks isn’t very pleasant. This is her grandchild.

For me, neither of you are behaving well.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/10/2020 10:45

What DownThePlath said.

GoingBackTo505 · 23/10/2020 10:46

I'm by no means saying this woman is perfect or even disputing what you say about her. I have my own weird MIL so do understand. But now you have a son, imagine when he one day has his first baby and him and his wife stop you from meeting the baby for two weeks? You'd be hurt wouldn't you? I think this could've been avoided by maybe just letting her pop in for an hour, have cuddles and leave and then have a good few days just you, baby and DH.

MummyofTw0 · 23/10/2020 10:47

Hmmm I think it's odd not to welcome baby to the family. Surely you want to show off baby. I would be hurt too sorry

Schoolchoicesucks · 23/10/2020 10:57

I can understand not wanting to be overrun with visitors, wanting to retreat into the nuclear family and bond. If they are overbearing people who won't accept boundaries and would descend for hours then could understand your hard line .
If you were struggling mentally with the adjustment to motherhood (I did, a lot!) then again can understand not being ready to face people.

Nothing you have said so far implies those things apply.

Will you really not let them pop round for half an hour for a cup of tea to meet the baby and take their own photos?

Of course they shouldn't be calling and verbally abusing your dh. But they are upset and disappointed at being cut out of your lives.

If they are not normally horrible people and you are not struggling then I don't understand why you have imposed these rules OP.

TweeBree · 23/10/2020 11:00

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