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Original poster

Overbearing Mil

191 replies

Sweets1991 · 23/10/2020 07:38

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

OP posts:
Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 14:55

I am sure two week wait apply to all family members, not just her MIL now if she invited other family members , then I can see she doesn’t like her MIL.

Beside, she never wrote her stay with PIL was pleasant. My grandma let all sort of family members live with her but she goes around criticizing them all the time too

VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 14:59

Beside, she never wrote her stay with PIL was pleasant

I’m pretty sure she’d have told us if it wasn’t!

Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 15:03

This is all she wrote about her stay “this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries “

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
ThousandsAreSailing · 23/10/2020 15:08

YABU
Happy to use them when you need accommodation but not happy to let them see their new grandchild

blueangel19 · 23/10/2020 15:09

Do as you feel better. Do not let a MIL still the joy of being a mother. If she is a know it all narcissist gives her little space in your family life.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 15:10

@Blueberries0112

This is all she wrote about her stay “this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries “
What part of that makes you think it was unpleasant? Genuinely curious?
Babdoc · 23/10/2020 15:17

My MIL was on the train as soon as we told her DD1 had arrived. I got a 6 hour discharge from hospital and MIL stayed with us for two weeks.
She was invaluable- she did all the shopping, cooking and chores, demonstrated disposable nappies, helped with DD’s first bath, etc.
DH slipped on a plastic bag on the supermarket floor on the second day, and ended up with his arm in a sling, unable to drive, so it was a godsend that we had MIL!
Mind you, she was a lovely lady, not at all overbearing, and as she had 5 kids herself (and eventually 10 grandkids), she was v experienced at baby care.

It’s of course up to you, OP, but you are denying yourself all the help that a MIL can offer.

AlwaysCheddar · 23/10/2020 15:24

Yabu. 2 weeks of no visitors is stupid.

DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2020 15:30

I genuinely don't understand this concept (that I only here on MN btw) that new parents "need" 2 weeks segregation to bond with their baby.

It seems very cruel to me to stop immediate family (unless you're responding to Covid regulations) from the joy of meeting a newborn.

Even in 2 weeks they change a lot.

My DP's/PIL's would have been heartbroken if DH and I had done this.

It sounds to me like your PIL have helped you massively and yet your determined to keep them at arms length - the relationship still only being "polite" even though you lived with them and then refusing to let them see a much wanted grandchild.

Your MIL doesn't sound overbearing to me - she sounds upset (and in my view understandably so).

It was a real joy to introduce my newborn DS to his grandparents and they've gone on to have a loving and wonderful relationship with him which DH and I are really pleased about.

If I'm honest you come across as quite cold and unfeeling.

Muddybuddy · 23/10/2020 15:35

@blueangel19

Do as you feel better. Do not let a MIL still the joy of being a mother. If she is a know it all narcissist gives her little space in your family life.
How on earth is letting family see the baby “stealing the joy of being a mother”? I’ve heard it all now
Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 15:36

Actually I do, I had super leaky breast milk and poor bladder control after birth , I feel too embarrassed to be around visitors, I actually begged my mom if she would go home because I needed constantly changing and clean laundry . My second birth was even messier. I feel like a bloody murder scene

SBTLove · 23/10/2020 15:37

That two weeks crap will be out the window by a second baby 🤣
My DD has already informed me how much I’ll be needed when the time comes, I shall obey 🤣
The experience of your Mil/Dm and the ability to have a break and support is invaluable and when you do decide she’s required don’t be surprised if no babysitting is available!

Flyingf1edgelings · 23/10/2020 15:43

So she was good enough to live with when it suited you? But now you have a house a baby she can’t see her grand child?
This would break any grand mother’s heart I think you are quite selfish 😟 you got what you wanted from her now she is the rotten narcissist mil. Everything has to be by your narrative.

Littlepaws18 · 23/10/2020 15:45

You have all the time in the world to bond with your child! I don't understand at all mothers who feel that they need this time for themselves only. This is not just his mother, it's your family and you are shutting them out, when they should be welcoming and enjoying the new member of the family. Also why withhold information about what happened too!!! It's so cold and cruel. Also to your son who these are his grandparents it's not fair you are already making creating barriers with this relationship. The unnecessary pressure this is placing on your husband isn't right either.

You are being selfish. Don't burn bridges, don't break bonds this is time for celebration for the whole family nit just you.

Frequentcarpetflyer · 23/10/2020 15:57

Well, letting her come to see the baby would not have stopped you being able to bond with him.

cameocat · 23/10/2020 16:00

When your precious son has a child and you are a grandparent I expect you will feel hurt if you are banned. It sounds to me like she's sad and lashing out. I think saying you don't want her to hold your son (even after the two weeks is up) is incredibly unkind.

DeRigueurMortis · 23/10/2020 16:15

The other thing to consider OP is that if Covid regulations change in your location and you are put into Tier 2/3 then it could be a long time before she's able to see her grandchild.

You might very well be depriving her not just of 2 weeks but month and months.

I doubt very much you care about that however.

Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 16:21

“What part of that makes you think it was unpleasant? Genuinely curious?”

I was just saying Just because someone let someone stay with you doesn’t always mean they are not abusive and overbearing. It’s the only thing she did say about her stay. And that’s all I know

The OP must have brought it up for a reason because it is unnecessary to share it if their stay with her didn’t have any affect in their relationship. I will need more details.

And who knows, if she is like me she probably was scared someone will overstay their welcome. Like I wrote, I was bleeding heavily, had poor bladder control, and my breast leak like crazy like I just jumped in a pool. I was getting thrush so I had to keep my shirt off. And I need to keep the laundry going or I will run out of clothes to wear. I couldn’t have guest stay too long especially if they have traveled far and I feel bad that they can’t stay long. I certainly hope MIL will be more understanding as not all our bodies are made the same. I didn’t even ask for help at all even with my second child (same thing)

DownThePlath · 23/10/2020 16:29

@Blueberries0112

“What part of that makes you think it was unpleasant? Genuinely curious?”

I was just saying Just because someone let someone stay with you doesn’t always mean they are not abusive and overbearing. It’s the only thing she did say about her stay. And that’s all I know

The OP must have brought it up for a reason because it is unnecessary to share it if their stay with her didn’t have any affect in their relationship. I will need more details.

And who knows, if she is like me she probably was scared someone will overstay their welcome. Like I wrote, I was bleeding heavily, had poor bladder control, and my breast leak like crazy like I just jumped in a pool. I was getting thrush so I had to keep my shirt off. And I need to keep the laundry going or I will run out of clothes to wear. I couldn’t have guest stay too long especially if they have traveled far and I feel bad that they can’t stay long. I certainly hope MIL will be more understanding as not all our bodies are made the same. I didn’t even ask for help at all even with my second child (same thing)

I mean, OP also mentioned that she is a very private person with no social media, which was also a totally unnecessary detail, so I don't think her mentioning staying with MIL means anything. I'm sure if anything was amiss whilst staying there, OP would have wrote it, considering how she much she seems to like to bash her MIL.
Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 16:31

Other than the fact that her MIL doesn’t respect that’s who she is.... a private person

DownThePlath · 23/10/2020 16:38

Ah okay, so asking to see your grandchild is a gross invasion of privacy. Who knew ....

namechangefail2020 · 23/10/2020 16:42

We had two weeks alone too. We wanted to make sure we hadn't picked up anything in hospital that we could pass on and also wanted them to limit their contacts before they met the baby. No one caused an issue, I think everyone was just happy to meet the baby as during these times some people are not getting to meet grandkids at all!

VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 17:46

@Blueberries0112

Other than the fact that her MIL doesn’t respect that’s who she is.... a private person
So she’s going to take her baby into purdah until he starts school? There’s being a private person and there’s being a dick.
Blueberries0112 · 23/10/2020 17:50

Is everything black and white over a two weeks? How about waiting how it goes after two weeks?

Puffalicious · 23/10/2020 17:56

I think this is utterly cruel and ridiculously selfish. This is your husband's mother- the woman who raised him, who held him.as a precious newborn. Unless there's a huge backstory that she's been neglectful YABVU.

There's a huge difference between having some time to yourself with your new, little person and excluding everyone. You'll live to regret this as it will sour your relationship with your husband's parents.

To mirror PP, I have 3 sons, if any of them do this in the future too right I'll be telling them they're being selfish. I'll also know it's the mother as they've been raised to appreciate love and family. You sound cold.

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