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Original poster

Overbearing Mil

191 replies

Sweets1991 · 23/10/2020 07:38

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

OP posts:
Runmybathforme · 23/10/2020 11:02

@gretagreengrapes

I dont think you're being unreasonable, your birth and baby, your rules! And I'm considering doing a similar thing myself.

It's not like you've said she can never come round, its just 2 weeks!

Of course it’s their baby and their rules, but, it’s the woman’s Grandchild for goodness sake ! She wants to welcome her Grandchild into the world, it’s such a precious time. I realise this may be an unpopular opinion on MN, but I think, given there’s no health issues, that the Grandmother is entitled to cuddle the new baby. This new idea of completely isolating yourselves for two weeks is cruel and selfish.
EL8888 · 23/10/2020 11:05

Your baby = your rules, it’s something you and your partner have agreed. Her behaviour sounds dreadful! It sounds like she is escalating until she gets what she wants. I would not feed into it or enter into a debate

Poulter · 23/10/2020 11:06

This doesn't sound like setting reasonable boundaries but actually being quite dismissive and unkind. I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if your DiL did the same to you.

Setting boundaries would be limiting the time she comes round for and saying how often, not banning the poor woman altogether. You sound high handed and precious yourself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
SoloMummy · 23/10/2020 11:06

@Sweets1991

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

She doesn't sound overbearing. But you sound incredibly unreasonable in your attitude and not permitting family to visit! What's suddenly going tit happen at 14 days in? You've all magically "bonded". How rude, arrogant and downright rude, especially as she opened her home for you. Grow up. Be respectful. And yes your behaviour is not normal.
EL8888 · 23/10/2020 11:06

@Runmybathforme nah she not entitled to it but she thinks she is

timeforawine · 23/10/2020 11:15

OP you are NOT being cruel at all, i totally get why you want some down time, i had a week and thankfully my parents and my in laws were fine and would have been fine allowing me longer, they accepted we wanted to settle into the new life etc.
He is YOUR baby, she had her time, he won't change that much in 2 weeks, she's not missing out.
It is very normal these days for new parents to want some time alone with their new baby.
Don't let anyone on here or in real life bring you down, your baby, you decide.
Congratulations and enjoy all these newbown snuggles

timeforawine · 23/10/2020 11:15

Newborn!

SBTLove · 23/10/2020 11:17

Good enough to use her to save for your house deposit but not good enough to meet her grandchild, aren’t you a charmer.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 23/10/2020 11:18

I've actually got a story from another point of view. My friend was telling me about her dad and how unreasonable he was and how he had acted over the years. One of the things was "do you know he didn't let any of my grandparents see me until I was two weeks old and they were so upset" They had obviously all told her over the years how they had felt !

jackfruitz · 23/10/2020 11:25

I think you have every right to ask for two weeks to bond with your new baby. This is your time and baby’s time to recover and relax. Anyone that wants to see a baby so soon is thinking of themselves rather than the baby and mum. You’re not saying she can’t come and visit, you just want her to give you some breathing space first. My MIL is similar to yours and all I can say is once the novelty of a baby goes and the baby gets older they will lose interest.

Tatum1234 · 23/10/2020 11:39

She just wants to meet her grandchild, you’d be more upset if she wasn’t interested.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 11:46

The thing is it’s fine to say your baby you decide, but the relationship damage being done now is quite big and the whole thing is being damaged by this fight.,,ultimately this is the child’s grand mother,

Yes she’s behaving terribly but it feels spiteful that the op and her husband couldn’t have just let her meet the child for an house, especially when they were so quick to use this woman when it suited them,

thetoughhaveleft · 23/10/2020 11:52

I don't get it, honestly I don't. When my girls were born I was so excited to show the people I love, who I knew would love them, my beautiful babies. My parents met my first daughter while I was still in the delivery room. They then were the ones who brought her to meet her baby sister while I was in the recovery area after a general anaesthetic following a very traumatic c section delivery. These are people who love your child and who want to meet and get to know them! There's nothing strange about that!

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 11:56

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

YABU to not let grandparents visit IMO.

I would have had a day or two of visits for various people and then asked for a break for a few days (day, 5) and then had them visit again. Then a break... and repeat.

You’re creating unnecessary barriers. Newborns are usually visited and appear to bond with their parents.

This is very sensible.

Op, you can bond with your baby while allowing other people to bond too.

You've got a son, imagine when he has a child and you're shut out. It's not very nice.

When my son was born we had loads and loads of visitors which was so hard at the time especially as I had a c section, but I don't regret it and we didn't harm any family relationships.

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 11:57

@thetoughhaveleft

I don't get it, honestly I don't. When my girls were born I was so excited to show the people I love, who I knew would love them, my beautiful babies. My parents met my first daughter while I was still in the delivery room. They then were the ones who brought her to meet her baby sister while I was in the recovery area after a general anaesthetic following a very traumatic c section delivery. These are people who love your child and who want to meet and get to know them! There's nothing strange about that!
Exactly. It's so nice to have people that care!
VinylDetective · 23/10/2020 12:13

It’s interesting that everyone is taking OP’s word about her mil’s “dreadful” behaviour. I’m taking that with a pinch of salt personally. There are no complaints about her behaviour when she was putting a roof over her head, which would surely be the case if she was an overbearing narcissist. I wonder exactly who DH is angry with.

Serena1977 · 23/10/2020 12:20

Her baby has become a father, she is a grandmother for the first time, she is excited and happy for herself and for her son and dil. She wants to have a relationship with this baby as he should have the opportunity to have relationships with all his extended family.

He isn't your possession to use as a threat or bargaining chip.

She was ok enough for you to use though to save money. You're been spiteful to your mil and in the long run this attitude will affect how your son develops and eventually how he functions as an adult.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2020 12:21

Yes. I was pleased when close family and friends made the effort to see us when my daughter was born, babies sleep a lot and don’t really do much in the early days, but everyone is different. What’s hard to tell if the op is doing this because she dislikes her mil so much or if she really can’t cope with visitors even for an hour right now.

As said, there is no doubt the mil is behaving badly, and the husband is right to take his wife’s side here, even if deep down he didn’t think she was right, he could not articulate it.

I think it would have been more understandable if the op and her husband weren’t so quick to put their hands out previously ans accept the mils help when it benefitted them. But slammed the door in her face when it didn’t.

If they had been no contact or the woman historically difficult it would be different, but this smacks of thanks mate now fuck off.

esmethurst · 23/10/2020 12:25

YA both BU

Muddybuddy · 23/10/2020 12:26

Agree with other posters who say you’re being unreasonable. I don’t actually see anything that she has done wrong to be honest. 2 weeks would be difficult for any grandparent and you’re not even answering her messages etc. She was good enough when you needed somewhere to live though

Cactuslockdown · 23/10/2020 12:30

Sorry OP, I’m another who thinks YABU. I understand not wanting a constant stream of visitors, but this is his Grandmother.... there aren’t many people in this world who will love your son like she will.

ivftake1 · 23/10/2020 12:30

I honestly think OP will regret this in a few months time when she realises how embarrassing her behaviour is.

Also when she and her husband need a babysitter etc!

SendHelp30 · 23/10/2020 12:32

Jesus Christ op, 2 weeks no visitors in order to order?? Poor grandparents!

MrsCat1 · 23/10/2020 12:35

I think you are being very unkind. Why can't she see her own grandchild? Why was it fine for you to live with them when it was convenient for you, but now she can't even see the new baby? Take a long hard look in the mirror. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

OverTheRainbow88 · 23/10/2020 12:40

I wasn’t too keen on having loads of visitors as my nipples were so sore I liked to go bra less and air them for the first month! But, I would see mil, my parents, siblings and close friends; and after a few hours would say I want to have a nap now and they would leave!

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