Overbearing Mil

[Sweets1991]

Hello,

I need to get this off my chest somehow otherwise I think I might implode!

I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, we recently welcomed our DS into our lives and are so in love!

We are very low key and private people, we keep mostly to ourselves ( we also have no social media presence). Whilst saving for our first home deposit we moved in with my PIL’s. This was extremely generous for them to accommodate us, and we appreciate it immensely. It should be noted that whilst we lived there we paid rent, catered for ourselves and contributed to utilities. However this period has given my MIL an unrealistic expectation of our relationship - it never moved beyond polite pleasantries

We have recently moved into our new home and welcomed our son. Upon his arrival we asked for a period of two weeks with no visitors to allow us to bond with him. Needless to say my MIL was NOT happy about this. We initially appeased her with lots of photos however this was not enough. She would call daily and send multiple texts, becoming more passive aggressive each time we didn’t answer. We explained several times we didn’t need the distraction and would contact them at a better time, but we’re told we are not normal For not wanting family around. Her questions became more intrusive, demanding to know details about the birth and my recovery. Giving that I don’t have a fantastic relationship with this woman and being so private I don’t wish to tell her anything. She then came to the conclusion that I had an extremely traumatic experience and am embarrassed to talk about it. She has insinuated that we are not coping as new parents and that old gem “it takes a village” and that we “won’t receive a trophy” for doing it alone. I’m so infuriated, we asked for two weeks. That’s all.

She has been ringing my husband, abusing him and calling him names, manipulating and guilting him, blaming me for everything. He is so angry he is threatening to not let her visit at all.

She is overbearing, a know it all and a narcissist. And I am done. Do I really have to let this woman hold my precious son?! Or AIBU? Give it to me 🙃

How very sad. Remember this when you are a grandmother yourself and being kept away. I should imagine you may well feel upset.

I have three sons and i really hope my daughters in law are more welcoming than you.

While you should have every right to expect visitors at your convenience you are unbelievably selfish and self centered to think this new baby isn't to be welcomed by its grandparents.

Visit on your terms I absolutely agree with. The rest is just awful. Will you want your extended family to know and love your child when it's convenient to you? Offer their support? Get over yourself.

YABHorrible. No wonder she's wondering what happened around or after the birth because she is racking her brain to see how you could possibly be justified in barring her from a quick look at the new baby.

@Serena1977

Her baby has become a father, she is a grandmother for the first time, she is excited and happy for herself and for her son and dil. She wants to have a relationship with this baby as he should have the opportunity to have relationships with all his extended family.

He isn't your possession to use as a threat or bargaining chip.

She was ok enough for you to use though to save money. You're been spiteful to your mil and in the long run this attitude will affect how your son develops and eventually how he functions as an adult.

So well put. 👏🏻

@BoomyBooms

I have no idea how so many grandparents are so entitled! Grandparents have absolutely zero right of access to a child, absolutely unreasonable to demand it. Shes had her children. You are having yours now, if you want time to enjoy being three of you then you can have it. You might hurt her feelings but she needs to get over it. It's not her baby it's yours.

Funny how so many people who feel this way also feel entitled to free childcare/baby sitting etc

I'm not a GP btw.

I'm a mother who has benefited enormously through the support from both my DP's and PIL.

You reap what you sow seems apt here...

YANBU.

We also said no visitors for two weeks for our second baby, to give us some time to relax into being a family of four.

We had people over earlier with our first child and I think it was one of the reasons that I failed at breastfeeding. I’m also a very private person and wouldn’t want to breastfeed in front of PIL. With our first they forced themselves on us too early. I was day 3, was in the middle of my hormones going crazy, was crying, recovering from a c section, hadn’t slept for days, was struggling with feeding. I didn’t want them there. But they thought their need to see the baby was more important. I’ve not forgiven them.

This ten fold

When your trying to establish breastfeeding, bleeding, recovering and your hormones are all over the place. The last thing you need is anyone imposing themselves on you.
The mother is the one who's feelings need to be put first. Everyone can wait. I don't see how ppl are outraged about this.

This is bizarre to me. My PILs came to visit new baby about 4 hours after we got gone. Quick cuddle and cuppa and they left us be again. They were just bursting to meet him! And I was just dying to show him off. I've only heard of people hiding baby away for two weeks on Mumsnet. If someone I know did it I would assume something terrible had happened it was wrong

@DeRigueurMortis I have an excellent relationship with my mother in law, she's a wonderful woman and absolutely a substitute mother figure to me. She kindly gives us three hours free childcare per week and I am extremely grateful and really try hard to make sure she knows she can choose to stop or have a break any time she wants. This is because I don't want my child to be a burden to her, I want them to have a close relationship that they both enjoy, and they do.

However if I was recovering from pregnancy and birth and had requested in advance time alone with my family, and she continually pressured me to change my mind and demanded access to my baby, I would be very upset too.

If one day I am a mother in law and in the same boat I am sure that I would rather not wait two weeks to see my grandchild and I might be a bit upset about it BUT I would have to respect the wishes of the parents!

Wow you wouldn't let your MIL see her grandchild ......it's definitely you with the issue.

What’s the deal with your own parents? What have they said about this 2 week thing?

I call bollocks on this though, considering op seems to have vanished.

@Worldwide2

This ten fold

When your trying to establish breastfeeding, bleeding, recovering and your hormones are all over the place. The last thing you need is anyone imposing themselves on you.
The mother is the one who's feelings need to be put first. Everyone can wait. I don't see how ppl are outraged about this.

Because grandma just wants to meet the baby. She’s not proposing that she moves in - like they did with her. They weren’t concerned about her privacy when it suited them.

And they aren't proposing it's forever. It's 2weeks for them to get to their feet with being new parents.
Yes she let them stay but does that come with conditions? Well it shouldn't plus 2 totally different situations. If she can't respect their need for privacy for just 2 weeks she's not going to respect much else.

2 weeks so the baby can bond? I’m not sure that’s necessary. The baby will bond regardless. However, mil’s reaction sounds utterly bonkers. The more she demands, the more OP is going to dig in her heels. Her DH appears to think his mother’s reaction is also OTT.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, I hope you are all doing well

I echo a PP in saying I don't understand why so many people think it odd to want to two weeks before allowing visitors.

It's not only about establishing a bond with your baby, it's about recovering from what can in some cases be a very traumatic and overwhelming experience. You've just become a mother for the first time, your body is in pain and your world has been turned upside down. You want nothing more than to spend time with your little nuclear family and find your new normal. What is so wrong with asking extended family members for a little patience and understanding? Every person deals with things differently - some people might think it odd not to want visitors but others might find it essential for their mental health.

A PP is quite right, grandparents do not have rights to your baby and I think it's awful that you are being pressured rather than being allowed to find your feet and feel comfortable in your own time.

After all, the first visit will be so much more enjoyable once the mother is feeling more like herself, she is the most important person in this. Take care