Would this be really selfish of me and unfair on DS?

[JoanneCofton]

I am a single mum (I do have a boyfriend who ive been with for 3 years but he isn’t ds’s dad and lives in his own house). DS sees his DF at the weekend. I am really unfit and have put on SO much weight since I’ve been with my DP just through eating out more/cost nights infront of the telly. I’m really unfit and struggle to fit excercise in.

I work and I’m a student so that plus looking after primary school ds takes up most of my time. When DS is with his dad I’m either at work/on placement/doing uni work/busy.

I need to do something about my weight though, I am so unfit and creeping towards the morbidly obese category. I have seen an advert for a bootcamp ran by a PT in the next village to me. Her class begins at 6am and is ran 3 times a week. Would I be totally and utterly selfish to get ds up (he is 9) and out the house for 5.30 twice a week? One night a week I stay my DP’s so ds is at my parents then anyway, so it would be 2 days. My mum is willing to have him dropped off to hers at 5.45 and he can snooze, have breakfast etc and I would fetch him and take him school once the class is over. I feel like I’m being really selfish to even suggest this but I can’t do evenings (except the one evening mid week i see DP) as my parents work late shifts so no one to have DS. I’ve looked at a couple of exercise things at the weekend but swimming is fully booked till the end of November and I feel with a boot camp there is more accountability as I pay upfront for a block. It’s only for 6 weeks

Hi Op I’m in your situation. I think this is a great thing to do. Your DS will benefit in the long term, less risks of health problems for you, seeing you more confident in yourself etc. I think you should go for it. X

I’m not a morning person and this would have killed me off as a child. I think he would be too tired to learn at school unless he’s already a morning person. Could you not just do online classes at home? So he can stay in bed?

Yes it's unfair and no you shouldn't be doing this. There are other ways to lose weight that don't involve dropping your 9 year old off at your mums for 5.30am

You're setting him up for a really long day and it's rather selfish

And I will add that to lose weight you need to look at your diet more than the exercise. Exercise is important but you’ll see results with your diet mainly.

Yes that's true. Weight loss is about your diet. Ot course exercise has so many benefits but waking your child this early probably isn't one of them

Sorry I think that is a bit selfish. Your ds shouldn't need to have his sleep cut short for you to go to a boot camp. You could get up early and exercise in the house, or exercise in the house at night, you don't need to go to a class.

I think disrupting a 9 year olds sleep like this is a very poor decision. The truth is it's your diet you need to get control over. Exercise is good, but is not going to shift your weight without a major overhaul to your eating habits. Sort out your diet and exercise at home.

Your DS will benefit in the long term,

I don't think a sleep deprived 9 year old will benefit in the long term.

I admire the sentiment but think it's selfish. Why don't you try weight watchers, slimming world or the Jane plan or similar and simultaneously subscribe to Les Mills on Demand instead?

How does your DS feel about getting up so early? I’m asking because my DD is (and always was) later riser, she struggles physically with getting up before 7am, especially in the autumn so such plan would be absolutely impossible with her.

Also would you be able to move his bedtime early? Maybe for the whole week rather than for 2 days?

No you're not being selfish! As a mum of adult children who put their every need before my own, you don't get any thanks for it! I love the bones of my children btw! Just giving the experience of hindsight. It's good for them to see you as an individual person rather than just mum. He can go to sleep an hour earlier the following night. Go for it!

From someone who has also been trying to lose weight and had a personal trainer, it won't help if you don't tackle your diet. If you cut back on calorie intake you won't need boot camp. If you don't cut back on the calories boot camp won't help. Might be fitter, won't be much slimmer.

I'll be honest and say that I applaud you wanting to join the classes, but the reality of getting your son up at 5am (or earlier) is going to be difficult.

I couldn't do it to mine - he'd be missing out on another two hours of sleep, and after a week or two it would really start to effect him at school.

How much is the PT charging for 6 weeks? Would you consider joining an online class instead? I joined Own Your Goals website By Davina McCall during lockdown in April. I paid £60 for a years membership and I am SO glad I did. I exercise at home when I can fit it in, there are hundreds of classes and loads of different trainers. I've cancelled my PureGym membership now because I don't see myself ever going back to it. Also, 6 weeks is a short amount of time if you are really looking to change. If you were to sign up to something for a year (a gym, local council health centre, online platform like OYG) then you are much more likely to benefit without the pressure of "performing" for a short time like 6 weeks. You can start at the beginning, and build up, rather than throwing yourself into a 6 week challenge.

I do applaud you OP, but I don't think I'd like to be waking my child up before 5am when it's pitch dark outside and he still has 4 hours to go before even beginning his day at school. Sorry.

Yes it would be massively unfair , look at your diet and fit some exercise into your day some other way .

He is an early riser anyway so some days he will be up at 5, but then again others 7. He’s goes to sleep at 7pm on the dot. I wasn’t sure if I was being selfish or not which is why I was asking for advice, it’s hard just really hard juggling everything. In my old job he used to be dropped off at the Childminder’s at 6am and she would take him school but that was just temporary after I split with his dad and had to find work as I was a SAHM. I’ll look at doing online classes or booking things in ad hoc. And I know it’s mostly diet, but I just wanted to get my fitness up more than anything. Thanks for the advice though, back to the drawing board!

Oh and it is £135 for 3 sessions a week for 6 weeks so I’ll look at booking some online classes instead

I think it is unreasonable. It would have a big impact to loose that amount of sleep and there are other ways of improving health.

In theory I think it’s perfectly fine - it won’t kill him to get up a bit earlier twice a week, and being a parent doesn’t mean you have to be a self-sacrificing martyr. It will be good for him to see you working on your fitness. All those things.

BUT if it were me the reality of getting a reluctant child up to do something I knew was only for my benefit would make me more inclined to just let him sleep and skip the class. Even if I’d paid. But that’s me - maybe you’re more disciplined.

So I’m firmly on the fence then.

@Ginandplatonic yeah that’s something I never considered, not wanting to disturb DS would be an absolute perfect excuse for me not to go 😂

I would do home exercise instead. Why not commit to doing an exercise class during the times you would’ve been going to the gym? Your little boy can sleep and you won’t have to go out in the cold and dark that’s on its way soon.

If you really want to do it, would your parents let him sleep over at their house more often just for those 6 weeks to enable you to get started on your new regime and give your fitness and confidence a boost..?

It's completely unfair. Wake up at 5am and do home workouts. Count your calories. This is ridiculous.

I think it is in your son's interests that you look after your health.

I agree with doing home workouts in the living room. There are loads available. The course is a short-term solution. You need something long-term.

Your life sounds very frenetic anyway, regardless of the effect on your DS, I'd question if the best solution to your gradual weight gain is adding yet another commitment. You've said you know why you've put on weight - eating out plus snacks in front of the TV - why don't you try cutting down on those and see where it gets you?

I'd hesitate to call you 'selfish', but it does sound a bit inconsiderate making your son get up and leave home so early on 3 days out of 5. How will this affect his school day, do you think?

Being a parent doesn't mean you have to be a martyr. In theory I think it's fine, but in practice I think it would be difficult for you to get him up and ready in that time, so it might be easier on both of you to do something at a different time or from home. If you really want to do It though I would just go for it. No harm in trying.