Your most 'Wtf?' Parenting moments

[herewegoagain20]

I've just found myself pondering wtf has happened to my life as I stand here washing a sausage for my 3 yo.

No, that's not a euphemism- I'm literally washing a cooked sausage under the tap. I used all the sausages in a lentil casserole, forgetting my picky eater won't eat it, so I've plucked one out and am hoping he won't notice the difference (unlikely).

I could do with a laugh today so let's hear those funny stories when you can't help but think 'wtf am I doing'?!

@ShirleyPhallus I wouldn't have called him spirited more a bloody nightmare tbh. He was though incredibly well behaved at home he saved it all for school. I sat in one meeting where they asked him why he behaved at home and he said "I'm not bored at home, I respect my mother, she's not stupid and I wouldn't get away with it" because in all honesty he got away with an awful lot that they didn't find out about and a lot of the time he owned up when he thought somebody else might get the blame. So what they actually punished him for (and I supported them in that at home) made it worth his while to push his luck further and further.

@hiredandsqueak i used to say he'd either end up behind bars or be a millionaire.

We used to say this about our youngest... 'she'll either end up running the country, or running H block

@LilyLongJohn oh you've got one of those as well Life is never boring is it?
Ds worked for Local Government in school support for a while and when he used to phone his old school they would say "It's not the hired's son is it?" So he was long remembered.

the time I was walking through my living room (unfortunately bare footed) and stood on a fully formed firm baby turd dispite having a fully dressed and nappy wearing toddler (we had no pets and where in a locked house)

to this day Im still baffled by the mystery dimention jumping shit that managed to pass through a nappy and clothes without a mark... this somehow happened THREE seperate times though

It’s the poo troll

@GADDay

Three poo related WTFs

DS1 - left for literally a few minutes without a nappy on. Somebody came to the door - by the time I got rid of them DS was covered head to toe in shit. It was even in his ears.

DS2 in hospital with a bad rotavirus. About 2am he sits up in his cot, quite happy. A weird gurgling can be heard followed by an almighty explosion of rancid yellow diarrhoea out of the neck of his baby grow it literally rained down on him.

DD in a Macdonalds playground with her brothers. She climbed up to the top and, yes, you guessed it, had a poo. DS1 came down the slide screaming that sis has pooed up top. I had to crawl through the kid size tunnels to clean the playground and the child up. Excruciating. The other parents in the playground were horrified.

we had the 2nd one two... he couldnt shift the damn virus and it went on for months, who would have thought something so small could be so full of gross liquids (which contiually erupted out of both ends simulatniously)

and its liquidy form even harder to get out of carpet than the squished turd... that carpet really just needed burning by the time we moved and we had only bought it the year before

This thread is excellent

Just thought of another. DS is now 20 months and speech verrrry unclear, hopefully not related to the awful jaw-stuck-in-colander incident. One of his words is 'kiss', which comes out as 'tits', with the 't's bum-clenchingly clear. I only know it means kiss because he then puckers up.

He likes ladies, and would very much like to kiss them all. Whenever he meets a female waitress, or checkout person, or random person in the street, he gets the glint in his eye, looks up at them with his eager little face and shouts 'TITS!' as I scramble to explain what he means.

He also tried to feed a deer poop to my friend's 12 month old recently. Mortified

[quote hiredandsqueak]@SeasonallySnowyPeasant Tbh I was called to meetings almost every week ds was in school so I didn't know exactly what I was walking into. I had asked ds that morning what he had done and he'd declared he didn't think he'd been found out on anything recently because he'd not had a rollicking in the last couple of days so I went in blind.
I was incredulous tbh as I was with many of his stunts. I felt a bit sorry for the teacher because he obviously felt stupid when I pointed out that I'd have been pretty neglectful not to have told the school of such a serious operation. I advised teacher that he should do as I did and assume that if his lips were moving he was probably lying and contact me to double check anything he wasn't sure was true. It quickly moved onto a general discussion about his behaviour etc.
Ds already had detentions booked for weeks in advance so I think they added more onto those but tbh I don't actually remember there were so many meetings and so many phone calls their number was always top of my friends and family list.
As we left ds decided to come clean and said "Sir when I told you my mate was the first test tube baby in the County........"[/quote]
Sorry to laugh but this has made me roar 😂

@Graphista - Yumbles are doing an iced gingerbread biscuit Advent calendar this year.

Yesterday we went to the park with DD (22 months) in her stroller with a huge doorstop on her lap. We then went on the swings, DD on one and the world's heaviest doorstop on the one next to her. Doorstop swing had to be pushed just as much as DD's.

Worryingly it seemed quite normal to me!

@Soubriquet

For me it was more amusing that wtf

Bathing dd when she was a baby was a lovely experience for me. Not so much for dh

Everytime dh bathed her, she would poo!

He made me do it one night after she had a poo every night for several days, and he sat there with a massive grin anticipating it. Did she do it? No.

He tried again the next night and there were go another poo

That girl is a legend, @Soubriquet - she will go far!

@hiredandsqueak - your son sounds wonderful - as long as one didn’t have to be his teacher, I guess!

As a family we tend to the dry sense of humour with lashings of sarcasm as needed.

DS1 went into the VIth form and had a teacher new to the school. We met him on parents' night. DS1 wandered off to chat to some mates while we queued.

He was fulsome in his praise for DS1 but was a bit concerned because he didn't seem to have much of a sense of humour. We expressed some surprise at this. DS1 reappeared and his dad said Mr Thing thought he was somewhat lacking in the humour stakes.

He went full Basil Fawlty. School is nothing to be laughed at, a serious business etc. The rant lasted some time during which we saw his teacher reliving conversations with DS1 and realising he'd been had.

He forgave him, fortunately.

Euro Disney trip with DH and DS5, fast rides and crap food. Lying in bed with DH, DS is above us in the fold out single wall bed - couchette?

DS pops his peely wally wee face over the edge, announces he doesn't feel well and spews the contents of his stomach over both of us.

At kindergarten the children were discussing what their parents did and where etc. DS said that I was in the pub ... again. I didn't drink at all then and I worked 40 hours a week.

Being sick all over me and a taxi.

Swallowing coins so I wouldn't steal them from him.

When I said to a neighbour when he was 6 I sometimes wondered who was the grown up he responded that "one of us has to be".

Watching then ten month old DS go purple with rage and pass out because we wouldn't let him eat the clematis. He has NEVER been allowed to eat the clematis! We are terrible, terrible parents, we were laughing at him quite a lot while he did it.

Explaining to DSD at 3am that her bed was, really and truly, absolutely, definitely not that horrible green jelly from school. Never letting her have sudafed again.

@coulis he is great, still has a wicked sense of humour, he is very good fun to have about. He was bored rigid at school, he was described as very gifted so spent his time on schemes and pranks to deal with the boredom. He passed GCSE's and A levels with a pen in his back pocket (pretty sure he'd have been excluded if he hadn't been so able) and later his degree and Masters (funded by his employer) with next to no effort. He has an eidetic memory so his lecture notes would be three or four words on a sheet of paper whilst he played football manager on his phone but from those words he could remember absolutely everything. He'd also have words with don't remember underlined beneath them so that he could forget anything unnecessary.

DD will eat chicken breast but only if it’s white, no crispy bits (she’s on the little known toddler beige diet). Tonight, having been aware of the diet for some time, I carefully removed the crispy bits and gave her mashed potato and peas (both of which are on the approved list of food). She screamed so much she gave herself a nose bleed, refused to let me wipe it up, threw her dinner on the floor before I could catch it, screamed blue murder when presented with an alternative of toast, and is now munching the toast like nothing ever happened. I actually text dh saying WTAF along with a cute recording of the meltdown so he realises that Being a SAHM to the twins isn’t all sunshine and rainbows!

@Time2change2

When I just about caught my 4 year old Boy twins in time over the toilet- one was holding his willy about to pee, the other was bent underneath with his mouth open 😬 I kid you not. Never thought I’d utter the words- why were you about to catch his wee in your mouth!!!?

Haven’t finished reading the whole thread yet but had to respond to this - as a mother of boy twins my particular event was bathing them together, one bent over the other pouring water into his bum hole . Wtaf is wrong with them?!

Carefully “gluing” milky bars back together, DS wouldn’t eat anything if it was broken. Now I spend a lot of time fixing things he’s broken - rapid growth spurt over the last 12 mnths means he has yet to gain full control of all his limbs. At 6ft 2 he’s a liability. The latest was the bulb socket in the sitting room ceiling light, he broke it while doing weights? I still don’t know how the bulb stayed in tact.

Ohh another one, hearing stop peeing on me, at 2.30 am, got up to see that ds2 had sleep walked into the toilet where ds1 was already having a pee and peed up the back of him, they were 10 and 5

My 7 year old in the drs, read the leaflets in a stand and very loudly asked what Chlamydia was!

Being asked on the bus why the tortoises at the zoo were making funny noises when they were playing piggy backs...same daughter

Peeling the batter off mcds chicken nuggets.

Calling 111 because my youngest daughter put a slug in her mouth whilst I was hanging out the washing.

Using a baby wipe to clean my second daughters mouth out as she ate goose poo. (She dropped a stone she was holding, so I assumed she was picking it up)

@crispcottonsheets

In my house we eat a lot of beef. A LOT

Turkey= white beef
Lamb= special beef
Beef= beefy beef
Pork= piggy beef.

And just to ring the changes from all that beef

Cod= white fish
Haddock= big fish
Smoked haddock= yellow fish
Salmon= pink fish

Ours used to call beef slices "cow ham". DD6 still thinks fish is called chicken, I realised when she declared how delicious her chicken (salmon) was the other day.

Ugh all the poop,and vomit stories here just reinforces my childfree status. I’ve only got to page 3 and checking out. Vile.

Oh it is vile Powerchewings, as nd the worst thing is when you are actually Pleased you catch the wee/poo on yourself, be that your own clothes or in fact your own naked body... because it’s easier to clean up than the carpet/ sofa / bed / wherever else you are.

It’s a turning point.... when you’re glad your child puked down your back (& hair, whimper!), and diarrhea-Ed down the front of you at the same time... But ‘Yay! It’s a win!’ because it all got on you and none on the carpet...

Shudder, shudder, thrice shudder.

He’s not done that for many a year, but loves the story in a horrified kind of way himself now!

@Early90sdecor Omelettes here are egg pizzas