Your most 'Wtf?' Parenting moments

[herewegoagain20]

I've just found myself pondering wtf has happened to my life as I stand here washing a sausage for my 3 yo.

No, that's not a euphemism- I'm literally washing a cooked sausage under the tap. I used all the sausages in a lentil casserole, forgetting my picky eater won't eat it, so I've plucked one out and am hoping he won't notice the difference (unlikely).

I could do with a laugh today so let's hear those funny stories when you can't help but think 'wtf am I doing'?!

@MeOldBamboo

Catching a poo in a nappy bag whilst looking at wallpaper in B&Q with my DD aged 3, nonchalantly putting the bag in my pocket when we couldn’t make the sprint to the toilet. Now affectionately calling it B&Poo whenever we go.

B&poo really got me giggling! Genius!

The time she vomited over three changes of bedding in my parents' house, in the space of half an hour, at 3am, and I had to sit up with her all night feeding her sips of formula while she cried, and then I had to lecture for four hours straight on an empty stomach because I'd caught what she had and was vomiting up plain water ... that was fun.

Also sitting in the bath with her propped up on my feet and my laptop balanced on a chair beside it so I could get some work done, because it was only place where she'd stop screaming, when she was six months old and I had a deadline.

I thoroughly relate to the poo hand-holding ritual. OMG yes. Also having to assume an expression of delight every time she announces I DID BIG POO SAY GOODBYE TO BIG POO MUMMY!

I manually evacuated a very difficult poo from my hysterical 5 year old last week. It was traumatic for us all (apart from my husband who found it hilarious.....)

I used to peel fish fingers. Now I've learnt to make him peel his own damn fish fingers!

Catching vomit in the hand, pooping in the park, I actually don't think is that bad🤭 definitely been there before.

Tonight I sucked all the taco sauce off the chicken so she would eat it, when she had been happily dipping her fecking taco boat into the damn sauce up until it was time to eat the chicken. She did eat it though so in my eyes it was worth it.

Definitely kneel on the floor in front of her as she poops, staring me dead in the eye with a wild smile on her face.

Have also tucked a family of plastic cows into the dolls cot and sung them a lullaby so she would go to bed...

My toddler had bright pink pee one morning we were like wtf, called drs as was obviously concerned. Handed urine sample in. Later in day she done a huge poo with crayon bits in it... checked her crayon and right enough one was missing. Clearly crayola use beetroot in their colouring lol.

Pulling a poo out of ds bum as he was in pain straining

@TheOrchidKiller

Waving a cheery goodbye to each one of DS's headlice ("They were only on holiday in your hair!")

Ah don't you just love when you start a whole new parenting ritual by mistake

Ha ha. We made the mistake of cutting the toast into triangles instead of squares. Then made the bigger mistake of bigging up how great triangle toast was, to get her to eat it. Then we forgot & did squares when she wanted triangles. Cue her screaming, "NO DARES, TRI-ANGULZ!" Or " ME NO HAVE TRI-ANGULZ! DARE TOAST!"

After several months of asking the little princess, "Square or triangle toast?" and double-checking before cutting it, which was too much stress every morning, DH said we needed to get a grip on ourselves.

We had similar, I was constantly asking, 'do you want square or triangle toast?' DS replied 'circles'

He got squares.

Also any food I don't want to share is "spicy"

Pissing myself at the circle toast request. That is just so very, very, very Toddler.

My wtf moment in the last few years was when I used to go hunting pokemon on my lunch break for my ds. I am in my 40s and personally have no interest in pokemon.

Oh.. So many where to start but having to wash out the tumble drier in the middle of the night after DS1 weed in whilst sleepwalking, washing DD 1 tongue after she licked a lampost mid covid (she is SEN but good god) pretending daily to be a hairdresser to get DD's hair done (have to ask where she's going on holiday etc etc) pretending to be various teddies on the phone to DD1 to do most things..

Downing my coffee then holding DS2's willy over the empty paper cup so he could have a pee on Santa's special train.

Oh yes, the number of times we glugged down a drink so that a dc could piddle! And then one of us would make a nonchalant screen, nothing to see here, while the other directed the ds's willy. (It was always a ds.) Most memorably, cringeworthily, WTF am I doing-ly - on the London Eye, when we shielded ds from view inwards, but completely forgot that we were in a transparent bubble, displaying everything to a curious audience in the next capsule.

Every now and then I hear myself or DH say something and just think, how did we get to here?!

'You don't have to drink your milk but don't pour it out the letterbox'
'No, the cat doesn't want to be a witch'
'It's bed time, not apple time. There's no such thing as apple time'
'If you go upstairs, I will be a T rex for FIVE MINUTES'
'Yes, that is a baby poo (in reference to a very small poo). No, I don't know where mummy poo is.'

Cutting sandwiches for packed lunches with biscuit cutters into safari animals. Realised after 2 to 3 days that the equivalent of 2 slices of bread and filling are wasted each time and no one wanted them fresh the night before (when next day's lunch was being made). Trying to put a stop to the expectation of prettily shaped sandwiches and go back to standard squares/triangles ... you can imagine the reaction.

Oh and I don’t know if this counts as a parenting moment, but I’ll never forget the time I discovered my lack of pelvic floor.. on a trampoline on holiday in Portugal. Thought I’d got through childbirth unscathed until then.. Definitely a wtf has happened to me moment.

After patiently shooshing and patting my 6mth DS back to sleep in his cot at night I would remove one finger at a time, count to 60, gingerly lift another, and do the same again hoping he wouldn't stir and wake up before I was completely hands free one finger at a time. His nursery also had really creaky floorboards so I'd commando roll out of his room so as not to make a sound and have to start all over. Also me global role for a large company (pre-Covid) international travel several times a month....

Potty training DS2. Caught him crouching in the corner of the kitchen so picked him up and ran him to the downstairs loo, where he pooped. Felt very pleased with oneself especially as ran with child with no shoes or socks on. Got back into kitchen to continue with what I was doing and there on the floor was the biggest poo I'd ever seen. How the hell i avoided squelching through onto the hall carpet still makes me think to this day.
And that was 22 years ago 😃

Catching DS vomit in the car. I managed to twist myself 180 degrees as he was sitting directly behind me and catch most of it in my jacke( it was the only thing available) some went somehow in my hair and on my hands of course too. We then stopped the car and i cleaned DS up and then realised i was standing in an ants nest with ants running up my legs and some in the car too... we then had another hour to drive in the with the vomit smell and itchy legs. But DS felt much better and had a nice nap👍

@DaisyandRibbons Exactly the same happened to me on a trampoline in east London. I was mortified. It was years after giving birth too, I guess I'd just never really tested it until then.

To this day I don't know how she did it but I once had to take DD to a and e because she'd shoved a sizeable chunk of chicken nugget up her nose and it was stuck.

The doctor had to use this tiny little hook thing to get it out.

I don't think he'll ever look at chicken in quite the same way again.

DD 1 (age 2) eating a tub of sudocrem that I foolishly left on the changing unit near her cot.

DD 1 in the bath with me when she was 3 asking why my boobs looked like willies (long and saggy i presumed)

DD 2 (age 3) running into my bedroom when I was naked and bending down to dry my feet after taking a shower and yanking out my tampon because she panicked and thought it was a mouse.

DD2 (age 3) barging in on my during a bath and exclaiming that my 'tuppence beard' freaks her out. Pubes...she meant my pubes.

Both have provided enough wtf moments to completely frazzle my brain. I simply can't remember not being a mum.

Loving these - i feel so much better!

Mine is quickly emptying my whole cup of freshly bought much needed coffee into a bush so ds would have somewhere to vomit that wasn’t over himself.
I’m sure you can imagine my despair staring into that cup of vomit ....

When I was called to a meeting at ds's secondary school to discuss ds's supposed kidney transplant. It transpired that he had coloured in a scar from an operation on his bowel as a baby to make it appear a fresh wound. Told the science teacher he'd had a kidney transplant in half term and had had said teacher fetching and carrying for him for weeks as he was recovering and couldn't bend down or fetch and carry his own equipment. Meeting was to discuss what other assistance the school could offer

Christ, mine has just happened. I was happily reading through this thread, chucking to myself and wondering whether I had anything to contribute. I wasn’t sure whether to tell you about the wonderful mother’s day where we were away for the weekend, I developed gastroenteritis and clearly so did our child. This became apparent when he suddenly puked and my husband caught it in his hands and I found myself hissing at him “don’t get it on the carpet... or on the bed”.

However, I think I’ve just topped that by finding a poo in the washing machine.