Your most 'Wtf?' Parenting moments

[herewegoagain20]

I've just found myself pondering wtf has happened to my life as I stand here washing a sausage for my 3 yo.

No, that's not a euphemism- I'm literally washing a cooked sausage under the tap. I used all the sausages in a lentil casserole, forgetting my picky eater won't eat it, so I've plucked one out and am hoping he won't notice the difference (unlikely).

I could do with a laugh today so let's hear those funny stories when you can't help but think 'wtf am I doing'?!

When ds1 wasn’t feeling to well he asked if he could sleep in bed with ds2. Two hours later I wake to him being sick, yep you guessed it all over ds2 who in turn woke up and got sick all over their new rug, then ferry them to the bathroom for ds2 to get sick in the hall and ds1 in the bathroom. I remember standing there looking at all this puke thinking how the hell am I ever going to sort this out and what has happened to my life lol

Having to comfort our very upset 4yo DD when her imaginary friend didn't turn up for a playdate!

Catching a poo in a nappy bag whilst looking at wallpaper in B&Q with my DD aged 3, nonchalantly putting the bag in my pocket when we couldn’t make the sprint to the toilet. Now affectionately calling it B&Poo whenever we go.

As well as peeling batter off chicken nuggets I've also removed all the sesame seeds off a burger bun, and then he still didn't eat it because it tasted 'fishy'

When my son was just over a year old he was sitting on my lap. I was drinking water (cold thankfully) from a mug. He suddenly flapped his arm, knocking my mug which slammed into my mouth chipping a tooth in half. He's now a teenager and I've had to have the tooth repaired three times!

DD has toilet trained recently and shouts ‘Mummy! Mummyyyy!’ So loud when she’s ready for a bum wipe. Haven’t got used to that yet. I was also sat holding her hand today giving moral support while she had a difficult poo.

Also, discreetly throwing wee out of the portable potty in public...

@lovelemoncurd

Sitting rearranging the my daughters socks on her feet when she would shout 'the line'. The line was that seam in the toe of the sock which had to be positioned in a particular way to avoid her screaming 'the line' then refusing to move as I'm trying to get me ready for an early shift and her to nursery! Why?

This is my three year old currently! It actually really helps to know it's happened to someone else before...... do they make seamless socks in an infant size 7?!

When I just about caught my 4 year old Boy twins in time over the toilet- one was holding his willy about to pee, the other was bent underneath with his mouth open 😬 I kid you not. Never thought I’d utter the words- why were you about to catch his wee in your mouth!!!?

Oh yes. Fishing poo out of the bath water. Clearing another from the floor (different time, different child) as I made the mistake of letting LO 2 minutes without a nappy on... Joys.

@fee1234 Have you considered giving your LO ryvita crackers? They have much in common with cardboard books.

Vomit neatly expressed in the car door pocket/storage bit. Where the wet wipes and tissues were. Impeccable aim, and quite rightly he was proud of it too. Didn't have anything to get rid of it, faced a decision between driving home as delicately as possible or scooping it out by hand in public. Couldn't stop laughing.

My oldest was one of those shit spreading kids who would poo in a nappy after going to bed, fish it out and paint with it. I used to lie in wait to try to catch him post poo but pre paint. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes I'd have to scrub dry shit off the spindles on his headboard in the morning.

My dd ate grass once. When she went for a poo she complained that it wouldn't all come out. Yup, she had grass sticking out of her arse and I had to pull it out.

Then you have all the times I've had an itchy bum shoved in my face to check for worms.

@twinmum2017
I asked my dad where I would find seamless socks for children. That genius of a man said "turn them inside out". Life changing!

Mine was bringing PFB home and springing out the bed 17,395 times every night to check the gro egg and be incredibly stressed when it wasn’t exactly 18 degrees

“OVERHEATING IS A SIDS RISK” I’d hiss to my husband when it hit 18.2 degrees

When weaning picking all the breadcrumbs off fish fingers so they just had cod!

Carrying my tantruming three year old out of Boots like a rugby ball because I wouldn't buy him JLS sweets........they were condoms

Today I had to prise a metal teaspoon from between my 2year old dd teeth (as in she had it stuck between her two front top teeth). She has gappy teeth, this isn't the first time...and it's definitely not something I thought was even possible before kids!

Downing my coffee then holding DS2's willy over the empty paper cup so he could have a pee on Santa's special train. When the carols stopped and Santa was distracted, I threw the contents out of the window and secreted the pissy pot in my handbag.

Who gives a kids' train ride with drinks and no toilet??!

I thought it would be a good idea for ds (age10) dd(8)to watch little ds (2) have his bloods taken as he had to have them taken frequently. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The nurse had trouble so ds3 screamed & screamed, dd came over to me & promptly tripped over my foot & fainted flat onto the floor & ds1 went completely green so I got him to put his head between his knees. By this point bloods were finished & he was the only one ok, crawling around the floor playing with a car, whilst the other 2 were looked after by 2 nurses. Never again!

My DD once threw up and I caught it in a plastic burger box. That was a horrible moment. Then another when I had to hold my baby's bum cheeks whilst she tried to get her constipation moving. One of mine didn't like meat so everything was chicken, 'oh this is lovely chicken ham' 'this is chicken sausage' etc

Technically not a parent moment but certainly a wtf one
Just off the phone to my sister, she had me on loud speaker. She was telling me the dog was covered in mud from running like a loon in the rain this evening.
I jokingly called the dog a manky bitch.
I didn't know my 8 year old niece had came close
She shouted Eee aunty fuckity no she's not a bitch
(Oh shit, think fast)
No love she's not, that's what girl dogs are called (phew)
Really are they she asked....
So Aunty fuckity are boy dogs called arseholes
Jesus christ man why,
I had to cover the speaker while I pissed myself.

I love the creative food names.

We had sea chicken (tuna) quite a lot. Which led to occasional other varities such as flying chicken (some sort of game bird, probably duck) and big chicken (beef). DD fell for sea chicken for the first time at the age of around 9, when quite frankly I'd have expected a bit more of a clue. 3 years old: fine; 9 years old: cop on, girl!

DS went through a stage of only eating sausage so any meat in our house (chicken, pork etc) was referred to as sausage. Then one day he announced that Granny's sausage was the best sausage and he only wanted to eat that. Granny's sausage was actually sirloin steak.

My friends daughter was one who liked to get her poo out of her nappy. She went in one night and smelt it but couldn't find it. She had put it in all the pockets of her bed tidy, about 5 or 6 little poo presents

Catch his sick in my hands to save a friends carpet.

When he projectiled in the car, we had actual windscreen splatter. This was in late January, my car at this point was two weeks old.

Lego up the nose (three times so far).

Having an absolute meltdown when someone has eaten the last oreo. They’re his oreos, he has eaten the last one.

When DD (3 or 4) said she needed the loo while we were in the park and it turned out the park toilets were locked. She couldn't wait. There was nowhere else nearby except houses, miles away from ours. So I let her go in the bush, only to be horrified by her having a shit. An actual turd in the park like a bloody dog, except of course with a dog you have bags to put it in. Might have been a bad decision but I just dug a hole with my shoe and buried it. Now that was a moment which had me questioning my life choices.

Oh and another one that shocks and horrifies my friends who don't have children...

The snot sucker device. The one where your mouth provides the suction.