Your most 'Wtf?' Parenting moments

[herewegoagain20]

I've just found myself pondering wtf has happened to my life as I stand here washing a sausage for my 3 yo.

No, that's not a euphemism- I'm literally washing a cooked sausage under the tap. I used all the sausages in a lentil casserole, forgetting my picky eater won't eat it, so I've plucked one out and am hoping he won't notice the difference (unlikely).

I could do with a laugh today so let's hear those funny stories when you can't help but think 'wtf am I doing'?!

Oh god Tulips. Huge sympathy.

It’s all WTF to me, up to age 7-ish.

There’s no rhyme nor reason to about 90% of human infanthood.

The time I had to say to my 2 1/2 year old 'take your foot out of the toilet' and it wasn't even a surprise that he had done it lol.....he had a fascination for putting things in the toilet at one stage.

Catching my (at the time) newborn's poop with my bare hands. Not a clue why. I was really proud of myself at the time which makes it that much weirder.

And then a year or so later fishing poop out of the bath with an actual sodding sieve, hissing at DH that we were never going to speak of this again.

Also I spend far too much time lying to the kids about things being closed. Oh, that hideously long lovely footpath? That's closed, the deer are using it today. Oh the café? It's sleeping (it's always sleeping).

I'm currently having cereal for lunch because I'm too scared to make noise in the kitchen and wake up the baby. Would have loved a hot lunch. I had to crawl out of his room so I dare not wake him now!

When my ds1 was little he had a quilt that had big dinosaurs on one side and small ones on the other. We had to ask him every night which side he wanted 'up' - big dinosaurs or little ones?

Three poo related WTFs

DS1 - left for literally a few minutes without a nappy on. Somebody came to the door - by the time I got rid of them DS was covered head to toe in shit. It was even in his ears.

DS2 in hospital with a bad rotavirus. About 2am he sits up in his cot, quite happy. A weird gurgling can be heard followed by an almighty explosion of rancid yellow diarrhoea out of the neck of his baby grow it literally rained down on him.

DD in a Macdonalds playground with her brothers. She climbed up to the top and, yes, you guessed it, had a poo. DS1 came down the slide screaming that sis has pooed up top. I had to crawl through the kid size tunnels to clean the playground and the child up. Excruciating. The other parents in the playground were horrified.

@twinmum2017 I've been known to put socks on inside out so the child with sensory overload can't feel the seam and will leave the house

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

"Repairing" a sausage I had sliced in error with a stick of spaghetti because my little darling wanted to slice her sausage herself.

Hearing hysterical laughter from my three year old who came to find me to tell me had had pee'd in dh's work boot.

Fucking ingenious 🏆

Breastfeeding Shawn the sheep, a plush toy, but still... My DD was about two (I breastfed her until nearly three) and she liked sharing.
At least I can say that she's generous, I guess.

Have you ever had to remove chopped tomatoes from Spaghetti Bolognese? - I have. 😳

Omelettes here had to be ‘egg pancakes’ - DS adored them but wouldn’t accept them as an omelette.

My kids favourite lockdown game was to have a competition to see who could put all their pants on first

It was a regular game. I'm so glad that they are back at school

Loving reading these. I have another one, I’m just sat here watching my two year old play with her grapes. She has been balancing them on her knees, in between her toes. They are in a line now and she is saying hello to them and waving goodbye. I love toddlers.

Sitting on the sofa with a poorly 2 yr old cuddles on me, 2 days of no sleep on the phone to 111 trying to figure out if we needed the doctors.

Has she been sick days the 111 operator, no I said just the temperature, rash and upset.

At that very second DD threw up all over me.

That was a new low, sat covered in toddler vomit, sleep deprived and sweaty from having a small living hot water bottle curled around me for hours.

These are making me howl.

I've learned 2 things:

• Parents will do or say ANYTHING to keep the peace
• Kids have an uncanny ability to get poo in the oddest places

@ShirleyPhallus

Mine was bringing PFB home and springing out the bed 17,395 times every night to check the gro egg and be incredibly stressed when it wasn’t exactly 18 degrees

“OVERHEATING IS A SIDS RISK” I’d hiss to my husband when it hit 18.2 degrees

This has brought back crazy memories - gos I was obsessed with that bloody egg. My mum thought I was certifiable as I sat up one night to watch my PFB sleep as the egg had turned dark orange - horror of horrors it was a whole 20.1 degrees

Haven't even turned it on for DC2

@shreddednips

Went over to my mum's for an afternoon in the garden when DS was about 15 months or so. She had bought a little paddling pool and dug out all sorts of things that would be fun to play with in water- plant pots, watering cans...and a colander.

DS somehow managed to get his lower jaw wedged tightly in the colander handle. It was fucking awful. I was freaking out and so was DS, lurching around with this massive colander attached to his head. My mum had to prise it off and luckily his teeth were ok 😬

They've had to contend with a lot as it is, he also ate a large chunk out of his cot one night like a little beaver.

Oh @shreddednips, this made me properly laugh

@hiredandsqueak

When I was called to a meeting at ds's secondary school to discuss ds's supposed kidney transplant. It transpired that he had coloured in a scar from an operation on his bowel as a baby to make it appear a fresh wound. Told the science teacher he'd had a kidney transplant in half term and had had said teacher fetching and carrying for him for weeks as he was recovering and couldn't bend down or fetch and carry his own equipment. Meeting was to discuss what other assistance the school could offer

This has me cackling. DH has declared that 'top pranking' and says he would have gone along with it What was the outcome @hiredandsqueak?

I remembered another one of mine. I collected recently toilet-trained DD from nursery and went to collect DS from after-school club, where she decided she needed to go to the loo. The staff let her use the loos there while I retrieved DS from the climbing frame. Turned to see a naked, giggling DD sprinting across the playground infront of staring children, staff and parents. I had to catch her and get her clothes while she wriggled and squirmed and carry her to the car to get her dressed at home.

@hiredandsqueak

When I was called to a meeting at ds's secondary school to discuss ds's supposed kidney transplant. It transpired that he had coloured in a scar from an operation on his bowel as a baby to make it appear a fresh wound. Told the science teacher he'd had a kidney transplant in half term and had had said teacher fetching and carrying for him for weeks as he was recovering and couldn't bend down or fetch and carry his own equipment. Meeting was to discuss what other assistance the school could offer

This is also hilarious

This has brought back crazy memories - gos I was obsessed with that bloody egg. My mum thought I was certifiable as I sat up one night to watch my PFB sleep as the egg had turned dark orange - horror of horrors it was a whole 20.1 degrees grin

Oh god, DS was born in the summer 2020 heatwave and I was so terrified because his room thermometer always said it was too hot Quite a few people pointed out to me that babies are born in hot countries and survive, but I was having none of it, I spent from his birth until September convinced he'd perish from the heat at any moment.

Summer 2018, not 2020!

@Sillybillypoopoomummy

Squeezing DD's head (hands over ears and squeezing gently...) because if you squeeze your head it obviously helps you poo! She is now 11 and doesn't request head squeezing any more.

This is factual and absolute in our house

They've had to contend with a lot as it is, he also ate a large chunk out of his cot one night like a little beaver.

His nursery also had really creaky floorboards so I'd commando roll out of his room so as not to make a sound and have to start all over.

^^ These are hilarious! . Great thread.

There was a period of time when eldest DD had an imaginary friend who had managed to become an Olympic sprinter aged seven. Unfortunately, she used to accompany us on the walk to school every morning and would set the pace ... .

The same DD managed to throw up inside dh's underpants one morning, which was puzzling as he was wearing them at the time... .

Being met by compassionate looks from other mothers when I went in to volunteer at dd's primary school one morning. They were very sorry to hear that I had a "skin eating disease and a son I never saw in Spain" ... all of which was news to me!

For me it was more amusing that wtf

Bathing dd when she was a baby was a lovely experience for me. Not so much for dh

Everytime dh bathed her, she would poo!

He made me do it one night after she had a poo every night for several days, and he sat there with a massive grin anticipating it. Did she do it? No.

He tried again the next night and there were go another poo