Your most 'Wtf?' Parenting moments

[herewegoagain20]

I've just found myself pondering wtf has happened to my life as I stand here washing a sausage for my 3 yo.

No, that's not a euphemism- I'm literally washing a cooked sausage under the tap. I used all the sausages in a lentil casserole, forgetting my picky eater won't eat it, so I've plucked one out and am hoping he won't notice the difference (unlikely).

I could do with a laugh today so let's hear those funny stories when you can't help but think 'wtf am I doing'?!

Blowing on baby wipes to try and heat them up as my grandson always moaned they were too cold 😂 Sure there are many many more 🤣

@Time2change2

When I just about caught my 4 year old Boy twins in time over the toilet- one was holding his willy about to pee, the other was bent underneath with his mouth open 😬 I kid you not. Never thought I’d utter the words- why were you about to catch his wee in your mouth!!!?

Love this (sorry)

Oh and being on a walk with my youngest daughter and on a busy street standing there coaxing her imaginary friend called Stella from down a tree. Now with my grandson its talking to our imaginary dinosaurs in public. I do secretly love it though 🥰

Putting hands out to catch my child's sudden vomit, so that it doesn't go on the cream carpet.

*chuckling, not chucking although in the context of a story about vomit, chucking is quite an apt predictive text error.

**said poo found in the washing machine has been through a 3 hour wash cycle. I opened the door and there it was on the door seal.

DD 2 (age 3) running into my bedroom when I was naked and bending down to dry my feet after taking a shower and yanking out my tampon because she panicked and thought it was a mouse.

Dying here 😂😂

Think DH's moment was when baby DS poo'd over his hand and then wee'd up his nose during the same nappy change. DH was thoroughly disgusted.

I've instinctively caught vomit numerous times. Always seem to be me. Even if DH is closer.

I've got a few more. When DS was a baby sat on my lap, and not realising he'd poo'd and it was all down my leg. Having to fish poo out of the bath whilst DS was screaming that it was going to attack him.

And lately as we are in the throes of potty training, sitting on the bathroom floor singing the same nursery rhyme on repeat whilst DS was sat on the toilet; having to repeatedly tell DS to touch his toes so I could clean his bum - he kept standing back up mid wipe and making it worse; telling DS not to touch his willy whilst weeing and then rubbing his hands across my face whilst I pulled his pants up.

Oh, and any type sandwich meat is ham. Always ham.

Went over to my mum's for an afternoon in the garden when DS was about 15 months or so. She had bought a little paddling pool and dug out all sorts of things that would be fun to play with in water- plant pots, watering cans...and a colander.

DS somehow managed to get his lower jaw wedged tightly in the colander handle. It was fucking awful. I was freaking out and so was DS, lurching around with this massive colander attached to his head. My mum had to prise it off and luckily his teeth were ok 😬

They've had to contend with a lot as it is, he also ate a large chunk out of his cot one night like a little beaver.

These are hilarious 😂

To change the rules of games and make new ones up - to make it that Dc2 wins- because I can’t be arsed with the tantrums of Dc2 if he thinks DC1 won!!

My 3 are really organised with their vomiting. They allow enough time to get up and come and find me. They announce the impending vomit and vomit all over me. I don’t understand why they can’t make it to a toilet bowl. It usually closer than me.

Several, but the grossest was bunk bed vomiting.
DD1 on top vommed all over her bed at 2am, so I cleaned her up and stripped her bed down, remade the top bunk - which is a pain. I then crouch to check on DD2, and yes, her bunk had been on the receiving end of a steady drip, drip, drip of vomit. So repeat.
Next night DD2 came down with it...

Actually hopefully Covid will mean we all escape the worst of the sick bugs.

Not so much with my first, he was pretty normal, but the second is a crack pot. He goes through phases where he gets obsessed by characters in films, singers, wrestles and he has to have a costume/face paints/hair paint to look like them and basically lives as them outside of school hours, until he moves on to the next obsession. His latest is some rapper with face tattoos and all different colours of hair. Every weekend he's at me to paint his face and hair to.look like this guy. The other night he was convinced I could put dreadlocks in his hair just by twisting it and putting a bobble at the end. Wouldn't believe that it wouldn't work kept trying it himself 🙄

Ahh cheese and ham sandwich day. Would you like a cheese and ham sandwich for lunch darling 2.5 yr old daughter? NO. Then what would you like? Suggestions pouring out of me of possible sandwiches to increasing hysterics that I wasn't getting it right. Finally I asked what she actually wanted.
Reader she did not want a cheese and ham sandwich, she wanted a ham and cheese sandwich

When my toddler swallowed a whole plastic lollipop stick and then pooed it out 2 months later!

When my middle child pushed a chair to the table and used it to climb up onto the table at 8 months old, just caught her in time before she plunged off head first.

When I hadn't toasted pancakes for a while, 4 year old ds forgot he liked them and refused to even try one. But as soon as I explained these weren't toasted pancakes they were they were a very expensive type of fancy foreign bread, whose name I couldn't pronounce, he ate them no problem.

I also had to buy (bloody expensive) cheese slices from the polish deli, as close thickness wise and colour wise as possible to the ones in lunchables (which he did like), then explain it was the same cheese used in those, only not cut up into smaller bits yet. All so I could give him grated cheese from the sort of bargain block I normally buy, which was "just the same as that other cheese you liked, only it hasn't been sliced yet, which changes the colour". Grating it was "usually only for adults, who don't often like to share the cheese cut the much nicer way as they want to keep it all for themselves". It also changed the colour... He agreed it was much nicer and only wanted it that way from now on .

All the times dd was sick and instead of running in opposite direction I caught the vomit - and was chuffed if I managed it one handed

Dd still maintains (she's 20 in a few months!) that she doesn't like:

Spinach
Cabbage
Spring onions
Peas

All of which I have snuck into various soups and casseroles which she not only loved but has recently asked for the recipes...

She's going to be posting on here in her 30's "my mum made the most amazing x and I've tried making it for my Dc but despite following her recipe to the letter it doesn't taste the same" isn't she?

Foods she really doesn't like and can't eat include chocolate and chips (potato in general though) - try finding kids portions in cheap cafes/restaurants that don't contain chips! Or non chocolate advent calendars!

Ooh that reminds me, one year couldn't get a non chocolate advent calendar so got a choc one, emptied it and yes wipes out the pockets and refilled with skittles!

Realising that both my babies had grown taller than me

Dd has towered over me for years now, we look like bloody little n large!

A friend of mine is regularly posting such anecdotes, she's a writer so they're very entertainingly written, about her baby's quirks, most recent was baby is going through a phase of only wanting to wear one sock, friend is classing this a win as it means each pair of socks is lasting twice as long

@lovelemoncurd my dd hates feeling the seam of socks too, just put them on inside out? That worked for me

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I love your Dorito bin story despite my ocd as it perfectly encapsulates that "fuck it it won't kill em" attitude we sometimes need to take as parents.

I was more anxious than other parents when Dd was little cos of the ocd, but when I once found dd eating a spider even I was like "well it's done now" removed rest of poor spider, pondered how the little bugger managed to catch it briefly and wiped her hands and mouth and tried not to think about it - again she suffered zero ill effects yet she can't eat chocolate??

where one boy wanted a baked potato and the other wanted a jacket potato

classic

Have you considered giving your LO ryvita crackers? They have much in common with cardboard books.

So true!

And I love that mners try and problem solve this shit rather than going "why are you letting him eat books?!"

Plain rice cakes might work?

I learned fairly early on that it's much easier when they're suffering a stomach upset to use pampers night time sheets on top of bedding (both under the child and on top of the duvet and over the pillow) rather than faffing having to change loads of bedding in the middle of the night, possibly while also fighting the same bug yourself, I also recommend lining a bucket/waste paper basket with a plastic bag or liner and one of these sheets or some kitchen roll to save whoever is sick from trying to make it to the bathroom before vomiting. Much easier to get rid of too.

One of ex's would be when after sharing a bath with dd during which she played quite happily and showed no indication of needing to, just as he was lifting her out to hand to me with outstretched warm towel she let go a stream of poo right down his face and chest, but his face when he realised it was headed for his willy was a picture!

Cue one VERY long shower after he'd emptied and cleaned the bath

To change the rules of games and make new ones up - to make it that Dc2 wins- because I can’t be arsed with the tantrums of Dc2 if he thinks DC1 won!!

I strongly recommend you watch parenthood episode "sore loser" but I get the temptation

When DS1 ate sudocrem (and declared it to be delicious ice cream).
When I had to take DS1 to A&E after he got a toy stuck up his bum.
When I had to take DS1 to the emergency dentist after he decided to plug the fresh, bloody gap where his tooth had just fallen out with his zip.
When DS1 sucked up a worn spaghetti style and ate it.
DS3 hated ham, but he loved pink cheese.
Spending an hour trying to explain to 3 year old DS3 that he wasn't pregnant, his tummy was just a bit bloated because he needed a poo.

I forgot to add he used to eat cheese/cheddar all the time as a baby/toddler, then went off it (except the lunchables sort), because his dad didn't like it. I'm still tricking him into eating food he likes, but won't because he wants to be just like his dad. It does my head in.

My son only ate chicken, so we told him beef was a brown chicken, he ate it.

He was also into the turtles, so I used to put vegetables on top of pizza because the turtles had theirs like that!

My toddler pooping on a potty and screaming to breastfeed her while yelling “titties”...I had to oblige...
I used to travel internationally for work now I am on my all fours...just dear God

We had Swimming Chicken..... fish

Also many poo escapades

And hours sat on the cold floor outside their bedrooms when they realised they could climb out of their beds (after we switched from cots) just to tell them to go back to bed.... sigh..... I swear some nights I fell asleep on the floor before they fell asleep in their beds

Explaining to the doctor that the reason I had rip roaring conjunctivitis and tonsillitis was because my unwell (tonsillitis of course) child had projectile vomited in my face. The sympathy on her face as she faced this croaking, hot, eye streaming miserable woman was unmistakable

"Repairing" a sausage I had sliced in error with a stick of spaghetti because my little darling wanted to slice her sausage herself.

Hearing hysterical laughter from my three year old who came to find me to tell me had had pee'd in dh's work boot.

the day after my dad died, feeling numb and just about holding it together. told DD, then age 4. Spent 3 hours laying in her bed with her, holding an imaginary hamster as "it made her feel better". Every now and then I had to stroke the hamster. I thought she was finally asleep, got up to leave and she opened her eyes and screamed bloody murder because she realized I had dropped her hamster. then spent 30 minutes on my hands and knees looking under her bed for the (still imaginary) hamster while she held a torch. Everytime i "caught him" she would say it wasn't him. that was a long night.